The Sky Is Falling (II)

So...I've had four different opinions on my basement/foundation situation that range--I kid you not--from doing absolutely nothing to yeah, I really should call a structural engineer because the garage is probably sinking.  My gut says that's probably right.

I've had a week (maybe more?  I think there was a slow burn before the flames of last Friday) of high anxiety.  I've reminded myself (1) I tend to get anxious this time of year, (2) there might have been a hormonal component as that was the first time I've had my period since January (hello, menopause!), and (3) I've been pretty emotional since the inauguration.  But even now with the house situation stable-ish, I'm thrumming at a pretty high level.

I've considered calling my old therapist, or scheduling a solo appt with LG's, but really I'm not sure therapy would do me any good.  Working out helps (I've been trying to run a bit between longer stretches of walking--and to be clear, my walking speed is faster than most people's jogging speed) but mostly just temporary.  Wine, too, though I'm really trying not to drink as much.  I've needed to ratchet up my lunesta dose on a few occasions, which I don't want to do, as I'd intended on cutting it (my doctor prescribed 1-3 mg per night, usually I do 2).  I've been reading a lot for 'pleasure' (which I define as not reading with the likely intent of a book ending up on a syllabus...right now that's Here I Am, which has actually inspired me to contemplate teaching a Jewish American lit course, so, yeah, a bit blurry).

But I am seriously overwhelmed in a way that I really shouldn't be in the first chunk of the summer.  I'm making headway on work stuff (I've been reading some things that will make it into my new class in the fall, so vague prep, and I've been writing steadily [minimum 1000/day] on my book project) and I'm spending time with the kids, and I am at least trying to deal with the house.... but it's feeling like a lot.  I've also been thinking about new schedules for next year (Tiny Boy goes to kindergarten!) and I'm sure that's having an effect.

I don't like roller coasters, but I really do like the line from the season two finale of Kimmy Schmidt about finding a safe space to scream your head off.

The Sky Is Falling

On my list of things to do for as long as I can remember....call someone about that crack in the basement wall.  Which of course I didn't do, because it seemed overwhelming, and then it became a source of shame which made me avoid it even more and, well, yeah.  And then last week I looked at it.  Really looked.  It's amazing what you can choose not to see as you're going about doing your laundry on an almost daily basis.  And then I walked around my house (there's a side that's largely not passable due to a retaining wall that's been on my list of things to do also since, like, 2007) and got to the point of IVF level panic LG'S BEDROOM IS GOING TO COLLAPSE, MY HOUSE IS HELD UP BY TWIGS  AND NOTHING ELSE.  I called basement guy #1, #2, #3 and made appointments. Decided the only thing that would make me feel better was not being in the house; checked into a hotel Friday night.  Basement guy #4 called me back personally Saturday morning and pretty much reassured me that no, our house was not going to collapse but he'd be out Monday morning.

In my head--because what do I know about house construction--I worked myself up to a scenario in which the only possible solution was rebuilding my entire garage.  According to basement guy #4 who has been in this business my entire life...it's mostly just cosmetic and will cost $2500 to put in some steel beams (and, he said, don't trust those other guys.  They're salesmen).  Which is so much less than tearing up my garage, or even IVF, that well, okay sign me up.

And where I expected to be chastised for not dealing with this stuff a decade ago, it turns out it can still wait.  And LG can sleep in her room tonight.

We'll see what basement guys #1-3 have to say.

It was so much easier to rent an apartment.

Semi-Obligatory Beginning of Summer Post

• I have been awake since about 2:00 am, when Tiny Boy woke me from a deep sleep.  So I gave my permission to do pretty much nothing today.  I still wrote a chunk on this new version of the new book ms*  Now I am back in bed writing this, having determined that I can't nap.
• LG goes back to the therapist today.  On Monday I think she will have testing for ADHD. Which will either tell us that she needs particular help, or that she's just 13 and needs to stop making excuses and focus.  Either way is good.
• Apparently my children and I are seeking out interesting donut shops.  I'm not sure how this happened.  But there are two within a 5 minute drive from our house.
• I have been googling "things to do with leftover...."  The thing of the week is a bottle of rose that I really don't like.  I'm going to fix it with some vodka, strawberries, and lime, or something.
• LG is growing at an astronomical rate (14 lbs in the past year); I bought her some new jeans what feels like maybe last month (really probably two months?) and she says she can't get them on anymore.  She is now taller than me (by .25 inches, so not much), her shoulders are broader, her arms are longer, etc.
• She almost convinced me to buy a new TV yesterday.  (Our only TV is a 13 inch TV/VCR combo from 1998 that I bought after I took my phD qualifying exams.  It turns out we can have a TV for like twice that size for half of what I paid back then.) We bought my mom a Roku + neflix subscription for her birthday, and that's been great...and tempting to try at home.  I'm a bit reluctant to get ANOTHER SCREEN in our house, but that would solve the Tiny Boy using my iPad problem, as well as the LG holing up watching YouTube in her bedroom problem.  Thoughts?
• I'm thinking of joining our local CSA.
• I should just go outside and do yard work or something brainless, right?
• What really sucks is Tiny Boy was so fucking proud of himself this morning..."I slept ALL NIGHT" because he woke up after his bunny clock was lit up.  Which would be great if he hadn't been awake from 2-4 am!!!!!!  This happens so infrequently now that I shouldn't get upset about it, but somehow it's even more infuriating.  Back to the 'no call mom' chart, I think.

* It occurred to me that just because I wrote a grant proposal for book X with Y approach, there's probably nothing wrong with writing book X.1 with Z approach.  That's just how things go.

So Apparently It's May

This semester went fast, really fast, much faster than I would have liked given that I had a grant to write.  According to my proposal I was going to finish two book manuscripts (ha!).  I did manage to write about 100 additional pages for one of those projects, which should be in a place I can give to writing buddies in the next few weeks, as well as make some headway on the other one, which will be my major focus for the summer.  I also finished some smaller things, submitted stuff (including an NEA proposal [oy]), served on two major committees, directed three independent projects and supervised a student organization, among other things.  Overall, I think I feel reasonably good about what I accomplished.

I spent this afternoon interviewing new 'staff' for the undergrad journal.  It's a project I took on--under a certain amount of duress and a sense that if I didn't do it, it would die--the year I got pregnant with Tiny Boy.  Given that it followed me through infertility treatment, pregnancy, multiple semesters off and a sleepless child, it didn't always get the attention that it perhaps deserved.  I thought I wanted to be done with it...but today experienced all the genuine student excitement around it and wonder if maybe I can find that, too, now that it's disentangled from the drama of program administration.  It's not a huge amount of work, but it peaks at various moments (i.e. I've spent about 6 hrs on it already this week, and more to come). Things to think about.

I also had a conversation with my Crazy Junior Colleague, because we happened to be waiting by the printer at the same time.  It was okay.  I still do not want to be in any meetings with her ever again...but I'm glad I had the chance to be the bigger person, open a dialogue, congratulate her on a major work accomplishment, and engage in a moment of small talk.  I feel really good about that.

More soon...