Puttering Around the House

Happy Holidays, y'all!  

So far winter break has been pretty much exactly what I needed.  I'm using the break for leisure + hanging out with kids + some minor housework (i.e. cleaning my home office) with no real expectation of getting anything done.  Because. Tiny Boy.  Although Tiny Boy should be at an age that I can do things--and he does play solo pretty well--he is also a master of destruction.  Like, he will take apart the couch and acquire every pillow and blanket in the house for a fort and never clean it up.  So my choices are clean it up myself (which I do sometimes) or be generally annoyed that he doesn't (which I do sometimes) or leave it alone and sit somewhere also (also, sometimes).  

Some highlights so far:

• Cooking All The Things:  a version of this toffee, using a gluten free pie crust because that's what we had in the house, pecan pie brownies, french toast (for Tiny Boy), three kinds of latkes*, whole chicken + broth in the instant pot, and for me, various drinks involving whiskey**
• Reading All the Things:  a book on academic writing, novel length X-files fan fiction circa 2000 (because, why not), and Lucy Ellman's Ducks, Newburyport, which is brilliant and also defies things like, um, sentences, and comes in at just under 1000 pages, so I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who isn't a professor of literature.  But it occurred to me that I might like to (re)read other giant novels by women, such as Miss Macintosh, My Darling, which I read eons ago for my PhD qualifying exams (see, reliving my late 20s).
• Not checking email.  Actually, the impulse to check my email is still pretty strong.  But I haven't actually read anything in my email.  Or responded, so that's progress.
• Playing tennis with Tiny Boy at the gym,which mostly involves running around gathering up tennis balls, but okay.
• A Hanukkah 'concert' during which LG tried out the new shoulder rest for the violin; I had no idea LG was so capable of playing by ear!

* the easiest latkes were those that involved the waffle maker and mashed potatoes, which weren't really latkes proper; also, Tiny Boy rejected them as a result.  He did however eat French toast made using a similar method

** so I've been drinking entirely too much, and also eating too much sugar, so back to the Whole 30 for me.  

Winter Break?!

• I don't know why but I don't seem to learn that the semester never wraps as quickly as I might want, at least at this stage of my career.  When you're a junior person, you turn in your grades and maybe clean your office and call it done.  When you're a senior type with a fair amount of service and admin it just keeps going.  Last week grading was interrupted by meeting after meeting.  I finally finished on Monday, with a sick kid at home*.  Tuesday was administrativia, including an email war with someone I really like, which took an emotional and temporal toll.  (I finally took it off email and texted her, which deescalated the emotional drama, but we still need to talk and finish the WORK part of it, which will happen today.)  Wednesday lingering admin stuff, a trip to the gym, and a long work session at a coffee shop with a friend.  We'd never done that before, and we're good work buddies, it turns out, so that's definitely something to do again.  Today, I will deal with the aforementioned bit of DRAMA, finish up every piece of admin work that doesn't require someone else (there's a lot on hold), clean my office, have a massage (finally), and get to the store to buy some gifts, such as something for Tiny Boy's teachers because TOMORROW.
• Also, WTF is up with students who earn a 3.5 sending emails 30 seconds after grades are posted asking why they didn't earn a 4.0, or in a weirder turn, explaining they are on academic probation because they FAILED some other courses, so could I boost their grade?  Umm, I like you a lot, but no, that's not how the system works?  I'll email that one back because they need to get in to see our academic adviser, but the other ones can wait until they cool down and grow up.
• All this is to say, I appreciate SHU's recent post about winter break planning, and as I commented over at her place, I need to do some of my own so that I come out of break feeling reasonably rested.  Tiny Boy and I will make a PLAN so there's some amount of structure in place.  (At this point--almost 16--LG is pretty much a solo agent.)
• My own plan is to bake stuff, clean stuff, do the house and personal stuff that gets put off (i.e. new eye glasses, car in for routine maintenance), read stuff, watch stuff.  Maybe make some art or explore things that resemble hobbies; in 2020, I'm going to make a concerted effort to figure out what that should be.  Reading is largely not pleasure, as it's so much of my job; I like art making but want something that can be done in small bits of time and without a lot of clean up.  I'd like to learn an instrument but also don't want to do anything that will create shoulder strain....thinking about buying a digital piano/keyboard, as LG, who has major musical talent (violin, electric guitar, vocal) keeps begging me to buy a piano and a real one is not in our future.

* So Tiny Boy seems to be re-experiencing some version of random belly aches/vomiting (see March 2016? for Random Vomit Tuesday) and I'm wondering what's going on.  At this point, it largely takes the form of constant burping in the morning followed by vomiting and then he's fine, although he does complain about belly aches at different points.  Reflux issues?  I'll call his ped, but I know there are doctor types who read here, so let me know if you have an idea!

Knowing What To Ask For and Other Stuff

• Out of the four jobs I applied for (one internal), so far I have one interview (external).  On the one hand, I'm sort of surprised.  On the other, not really.  It's a 'step down' in terms of type of institution, but a step up in terms of administrative hierarchy.  It's early to call it, but my hunch is I'll end up with a campus visit.  (I tend to interview well.  A lot of years of competitive speech practice.)  I was talking today with a colleague (who wrote me a letter of rec); she said I should take this to my chair NOW and negotiate.  I'm sort of inclined to wait and see how this goes.  (Also, I suspect I'll get an interview for the internal position simply for the reason that it would be politically in their best interest (if I don't get this position, I will be closely collaborating with the individual who does).
• My colleague also suggested negotiating for things it never occurred me to to negotiate for (a semester off!  summer pay! etc!)  Part of me I think is so wonderfully pleased with my raise (which is SWEET but still just brought my salary in line with my peers) that I don't want to ask for more.  But maybe I should?
• I am also really struggling with the letting go that I need to do on sabbatical next semester.  Like if one of my colleagues keeps texting me at all hours I will go insane.  She needs a mentor who is not me.  End stop.
• I haven't yet put this semester to bed, so I haven't been able to do all the mental planning I want to do.  Soon....
• Our cat is really not doing well.  On Tuesday  night she started howling and went into the litter box room and lay down on her side.  I was sure she was dying.  I made LG say goodbye (Tiny Boy was asleep) and we both petted her for about five minutes.  And then she got up and walked downstairs for food and went about her night.  I decided a while ago I was not pursuing heroic measures, and I didn't want her to die in the car on the way to the emergency vet.  I kept asking LG if that was okay.  If LG couldn't handle it, I would have.  I had a teary eyed conversation with the vet today, and she said I'd know when it's time.... but I really don't know.  This cat is hanging on.  

RBOC: Self-Sabotage and Other Pre-Sabbatical Musings

• Of all the self-helpy books for academic types, I really like Joli Jensen's book on writing; she's published related work at the Chronicle.  This morning I was reviewing her section on sabbaticals and breaks because I have one upcoming.  I fall into the trap she describes as "clearing the deck" (like, if I just do x, y, z and have nothing on my schedule then I can finally get started...).  Although I think of myself as a regular writer, my recent weeks would suggest otherwise.  But I do want to make a concerted effort to put away my JOB so I can focus on my WRITING next semester.
• This is complicated because I am in a large-ish program with only 2-3 faculty (I'm not exactly sure how to count our FTE), and two of us--the two who do all the work--are both on leave.  I negotiated a course release (additional) next year to attempt to compensate for the fact that I am not really able to check out next semester.  But it's really not the same thing.  Really really not the same thing.  (I know, I speak also from a place of privilege.  But sabbatical means OFF from teaching and administration/service, it does not mean keeping the program afloat.)  As a result, I am also directing 3 senior thesis projects; thankfully the three of them get along great and I have turned them into a small working group.  I am going to suggest in the spring that they meet bi-weekly without me (!!!!!) and with me monthly.  I might also lift the veil a bit and let them see what I'm working on.
• The self-sabotage thing comes in because I have already agreed, somehow, to write an encyclopedia entry on a little-known writer on whom I happen to be something of an 'expert' because I thought it was just a matter of slightly expanding an earlier similar entry when in actuality it needs to be 3000 words, which is about triple my previous.  Oops.  I mean, I have written HUNDREDS of pages on this individual but am not currently.  Then I was asked by the editor of a journal in a happenstance way if I had anything to send on this same writer.  And said yes (which is not a guarantee of publication, but it's a nice thing).  So that is TWO things on the same marginal figure I am not actively writing on right now.  But--and this is where Jensen comes in--perhaps I will return to this project again as a result.
• Long story short:  I need to sit down with a calendar and do some serious planning, including at least one Day of Sloth, which will likely involve binge-watching something delicious.  I'm in need of something delicious.  (That is, something light, preferably 30 min max, that will not leave me with nightmares or meditating on the state of the world. Like, Marvelous Mrs.Maisel, which happily comes out with a new season end of the week) .Let me know what to watch.

RBOC: End of Semester Edition

• Our cat is hanging on.  Doing better, actually.  The emergency vet recommended a course of azythromicin to see if she had mycoplasm (sp?); given that there was some improvement, we're keeping her on it for an additional 2 weeks.  Her breathing is definitely better, and she's eating.  I imagine this will be her last winter, given chronic health issues and weight loss, but for now, this is good.  I'm taking a lot of pictures of her snuggled with Tiny Boy.
• I bought a black light to find where the cat has been peeing on the carpet (which was new in APRIL).  Ewww.  Much more of it than I thought.  Let's just say that when she dies I will be replacing the carpet.  
• We are not going to my mother's for Thanksgiving (I've had various iterations of the No Trump Thanksgiving as way to control or avoid my now brother-in-law); I decided to invite a newly single friend.   We will cook and drink wine and it will be lovely.
• I invited my ex-something-or-other up to do a talk.  (Like, with an honorarium and a flyer and all that.)  I will likely regret this decision come Saturday morning but for now, vague flirtation by text is highly enjoyable.  
• We have reached the part of the semester when I want to read ALL THE NOVELS (because I don't teach novels and don't read many of them, which is something else that happened when Trump took office).  So if you have recommendations for literary novels written in third person point-of-view I'm all ears.  I am currently reading 1984 which I haven't done since high school.  Whoa.
• Two and a half more weeks of class, plus finals and administrativia and then I'm on sabbatical.  Amen.

Notes from the Emergency Vet

If I were at home, I'd be in Tiny Boy's room, reading on my iPad, until 9, at which point he's either asleep and I sneak out, or he's still awake and I remind him I need to leave.  Right now I'm at the emergency vet with our old kitty, who has been steadily declining.  I didn't think it was quite an EMERGENCY but also I didn't want that to happen in the middle of the night or tomorrow during my teaching day.

She's had weird open mouth/panting episodes for eight years.  She's had chronic heart issues (valve problem) since around then.  More recently she's developed worsening kidney function.  And chronic congestion, also for no clear reason.  And she's down to about 6.5 pounds (at one point when she was younger and healthy she was about 9.5-10).  She's likely not going to make it much longer.  We're at the point, or will be soon, that we need to think about euthenasia.  But how soon is soon?  I'm not sure.  They're sending her home tonight with antibiotics....but I'm not sure it makes sense to give them to her.  Will they improve her quality of life right now?  I'm not convinced.

Tiny Boy, much as he loves her, is sold on the idea of the new kittens I've promised we can get.  Two kittens.  So they can each name one, and they have each other as company.  He wants a white one to call Snowball.  And I'm sort of smitten with that idea myself.  But I've had our old cat for 13+ years (we got her when she was around 2).  And she's been one of the good ones.

The Meta Meetings

I'm doing a 'leadership' program offered by my college this semester, mostly because it's something I would have REALLY benefited from about five years ago, but it wasn't a thing then.  I'm not getting a ton out of it so far, but I'm also not regretting it.  The assoc dean who leads it keeps meetings to an hour a month, plus the occasional optional workshop.

Yesterday, ironically enough, was a meeting about meeting culture.  I also received results of one of those personality assessment (the StrengthsFinder one).  What floated to my top 5 (the ones they ranked for us) clarified much for me.

My strengths are:  Intellection, Input, Discipline, Strategic, Relator [yes, it bugs the shit out of me that these are different parts of speech]

Here's a description of my first:  "People exceptionally talented in the intellection theme are characterized by their intellectual activity. They are introspective and appreciate intellectual discussions."  More words about roles:  thinker, philosopher, muser, longer, writer, blogger.  You think?

Perhaps not surprising for a group of academics, of the 26 of us who were tested, this one came up in the top 5 for 12 of us.  It was FIRST only for me and a dept chair in a closely related dept.  Interesting, huh? 

What occurred to me, as I was sitting in the meta meeting thinking about meetings and what pisses me off and also what feels so good about the occasional thing that goes right is that while I have spent much time thinking about my lack of knowledge in my DISCIPLINE, I haven't spent much time thinking about these 'soft skills.'  And I really should.  On sabbatical.

More later.

All the Email

I am on work email these days in the hour of 7:30-8:30 while I am also getting Tiny Boy ready for school.  He does math. I do email. He watches TV.  I do email.  Etc.  Several days this week I woke to a series of emails from my chair that he sent around 10 pm.  And then we began trading replies back and forth in these early morning hours.  He also has school-aged children.  I will say I was quite grateful that last night, as he sent the 5 pm Friday email, he also said he'd refrain from sending us email over the weekend, though we were free to reach out to him anytime (old colleague! new chair!).

I am not saying anything earth shattering. I am struck more and more by how much email=work. Organizing a visit for a guest writer? Email.  Reminding my students what they need to read for next week? Email. Revising the program website? Email. I could go on.  If email is not always itself the method of doing work, it is the method of communicating and disseminating the work. I can't think of an aspect of my job that does not entail some email.

So much of this email work is delegation or trading work back and forth.  I need a conference room reserved so I can check that off my list?  I ask our assistant (over email).  My chair needs us to read documents to contribute to our fall planning letter?  Yup, that's an email (with attachment!).

I'm even asked to do things over email that are not rightly mine to do.  (i.e. random high school kids emailing me for help with their book report)

I feel like for the most part I have reasonably good email habits.  (They could probably be better.  And I need to think seriously about how.)  But as I've been paying more attention to how I spend my time I am quite struck by how much of it is spent emailing.  Because most of my admin work involves email.  And this right here is why I absolutely refuse to accept student work over email (I've started using our course management system for some things but mostly still prefer paper)

How did faculty do work prior to 1994? (For  me, that was the beginning of email.  And graduate school.  For others it might have been slightly earlier or later.)

Anyway, if you have ANSWERS about how to deal with all the email, let's talk!

All the Meetings

In my brief foray into Twitter recently I found this piece on writing letters of recommendation in The Chronicle.  Suffice it to say:  yes.

But frankly most of the work that faculty do is unseen and/or undervalued at least in an immediate way (like, I answer a TON of email and no one gets promoted by doing email, but email translates, at least some of the time, into teaching and furthering research, which ARE valued). 

I want to whine for a moment about meetings.  (Apologies for the non-sequitur; I had my weekly night-of-bad-sleep last night, which I attribute to watching Madam Secretary immediately before bed and then spinning on all the meetings.)  Note:  it turns out I actually had a pre-existing label "all the meetings" which is suggestive of my thoughts about all the meetings.

Let's talk about the architecture of my week, shall we?  Monday and Wednesday are my 'teaching days.'  While theoretically I can work on my writing (briefly) those mornings, in practical terms, I am prepping, teaching, or meeting with students from 9:30-5.  This Tuesday, as many Tuesdays, should be devoted to writing (morning) and course prep and admin (afternoon) but in practice is ALL THE MEETINGS.  To wit:  I have  student appointment at 11:45, for a student whose schedule was tricky; followed by a conversation with a colleague whose class I observed yesterday in lieu of my own office hours/course prep time; followed by a program chair's meeting which I can't complain about really because it's the first of the year, but still; followed by a meeting with my three thesis advisees about their thesis work, including the student who has changed her topic--I kid you not--three times since September; followed by another (albeit short) midterm conference with a student who didn't schedule hers despite my passing around a physical sign up sheet in class multiple times.  So, that's 11:45 am-5:00 pm of meetings.  And when exactly am I supposed to get my WORK done?!

None of these meetings is alone a problem.  And I don't think I've scheduled any meeting that could be handled differently (email, say).  But man does it add up.  And so when a colleague asks me to observe her class a second time even though I'd like to, that's two hours I will never ever get back.  And when am I supposed to write that conference paper?

I am quite looking forward to Thurs  and Fri, which are NO CAMPUS DAYS, and the only two in a row I will have for the foreseeable future.  What I have realized is it is worth stacking my Tuesday in a horrific way in order to avoid campus entirely on Friday, because (a) travel time does add up and (b) my energy level is better.

The Evening Update (Redux)

So it turns out that I don't really have an hour in the evening, most evenings, of non-kid discretionary time. 

This week, on Monday I hung out with Tiny Boy between driving LG to and fro.  Last night I was back on campus for a talk with a legit celebrity.  It was super fun.  But also, that was 7-9 pm.  Tonight is the mirror of Monday, as Tiny Boy and I will shortly work on his homework, he'll shower, and we'll pick up LG.  There will be some time in there in which to read or something but not much.  Tomorrow I have parent-teacher conferences at the high school.  Friday is usually family night, including LG and I watching The Good Place on the computer.

*

I've also been thinking about all the things that I do that are just an hour here and hour there that add up over the course of a semester, say.  Like, I'm observing my non-tenured colleagues for review.  That's four observations, two hours each, plus doing the post-class conversation and write up.  That's more than an entire work day's worth of work.  There are a finite number of weekdays during the semester (a in a fifteen week semester).  I wonder how many other things I do somewhat infrequently but when taken together they add up (i.e. writing letters of rec, supervising a student group, attending talks/readings, each committee meeting, etc etc etc)  It's no wonder, really, that I'm feeling like my job is preventing me from getting work done.

So I'm in a Good Mood

I've been in an unusually good mood lately.  I'm not sure why.  Likely there's not a single cause but multiple causes.  To wit:

1. Hormones; I had a period last week, which I hadn't in roughly 10-11 months.  My body feels somehow more familiar.
2. The return of the regular Sunday childcare; I am feeling more on top of things at work.  Not TOTALLY on top of things, but close enough.
3. The raise at work.  It's not the money per se (I don't think) but what it signals, which is someone (my dept chair) advocated for me and that multiple someones (the dean, the provost) agreed that I merited a raise.
4. Also, this applying for jobs thing.  It's been a pain writing those documents (I realized I hadn't updated my teaching philosophy statement since I went up for tenure).  But it's also made it really clear to me what I do and why I do it.  And I've done A LOT both in terms of publication and also administration since the last time I was on the market (as a junior person).  I don't imagine I will actually get a job offer out of this, but also I do have a good track record on the market.  Hmmm...
5. I'm sleeping pretty well and mostly not taking prescription meds.  (Instead, I'm taking 1 mg melatonin + a GABA/magnesium supplement)  This mostly works.  Occasionally--and I'm not sure why--it fails  miserably and I don't fall asleep until like 3.  If I have two such nights in a row, I do switch to Lunesta (1/2 mg) just to have a better night.  (I do wonder if regular Lunesta made me cranky in a way I didn't really notice because it was just status quo. But also. Sleep is good.)
6. I'm getting back to yoga class.  Not as frequently as I'd like (that Friday 9:30 class I'd like to take just isn't practical) but enough.  I really do need to remember I can do that at home, with a video, or just make up my own stuff.
7. Compartmentalizing.  Like, I really do not need to be on work email Friday night/all day Saturday.  

And with that, I'm going to get Tiny Boy and go to yoga....

The Evening Hours

So I've stopped my time tracking exercise.  I am going to continue to pay attention to what happens in between 5:30/5:45 (whenever we get home) and 8.  There was an hour last night, roughly 7-8, in which I wasn't doing anything of any real import.  Tiny Boy was occupied with screen, having already done his homework.  He wanted me to sit next to him, which is fine....but also pretty much a waste of my time.  If I'm going to be with him, I'd rather actually engage him.  Anyway, during this particular hour, I was tired because not a great sleep night and a long teaching day.  The dishes were done.  I could have done a lot of different things, one of which is work.  Mostly I flitted between things (email, reading the NYT, laundry); none of those tasks was the 'wrong' task, but it was an hour that could have been spent more meaningfully.  My guess (I could track, yes!) is that I have about 5 such hours over the course of the week, and I could easily create a list of things I could do, depending on my energy level (that's really the critical piece).  I could hang out with my kid in a meaningful way; I could do a household chore that I want to be doing; I could read (always), do a puzzle, work on an art project.  Or what might be the best use if I'm not working:  YOGA.  I never think to do yoga.

I also realized that are some things I don't do on a regular basis (i.e. make pancakes in the morning) that really don't require any real time.  So Tiny Boy had pancakes (from a mix) this morning while I drank coffee and did the first email check of the day.  Now it's time for dinner.  And during that 6:30-8 window we'll be at a park with one of his classmates, whose mother I really like.  So win win.

Another Post Brought to You by the Sunday Afternoon Kid-Sitter

Well, I will say that this is the longest I've ever 'tracked' my time in any systematic way.  I'd say I didn't really learn anything--I really didn't learn anything--but I'm going to give it another week in which I look more carefully (that is, 10-15 minute increments, if I can) at the 'mishmash' times with kids.  The one thing I did notice (okay, okay) is that when I'm really in a work groove I don't take breaks. At all. Like, I sat down on Friday to work on a piece of writing and didn't surface for air for another three hours.  

I also think I'm at a stage in my life that although I'd like to say I don't work at all on Saturdays....I need to work a bit on Saturdays.  I did an hour yesterday, of the commenting-on-student-work variety, while we were at the vet (and Tiny Boy was occupied with a tablet) and when I had Tiny Boy and a friend at the park.  The rest of the day I was very much present on my life and didn't really think about work (even though we met a friend-work colleague for an apple picking excursion).  

Right now he's at the park with his kid-sitter.  I've been reading (this is the break) and will shortly turn to the commenting on student writing.  And then get a chicken in the oven.  And an apple crisp.  And vanilla ice cream in the ice cream maker because really it's that good.

RBOC: The Week in Review

• Thanks for your suggestions about the time tracking.  I'm still going with the general this week.  I think the next I'll look more closely (like 10-15 min segments) to see (a) what I'm actually doing when I say I'm working (computer work, not class work) and (b) what happens in those amorphous blocks when Tiny Boy is home.  I also need to rethink some times that I might be able to 'multi-task' in a different way (i.e. when I'm sitting on the floor in Tiny Boy's room while he goes to sleep; mostly I play on the iPad and stretch.  The stretching is good, at least).
• What I've learned so far:  I can account for 1.5 hours of LOST time and several of distractable work.  The distraction happened because (a) I had a major insomniac night (I didn't fall asleep until 3:30 am on Tues pm/Wed am) and (b) I had a handyman over which disrupted my mojo.  As for the purely lost hour, if I'd had my bag with me, including something to GRADE that would have been a great use of that time.  (File under: note to self. Always leave the house with work.  Even when LG says 'this will only take 5 minutes')
• For the first time this semester I have two consecutive weekdays (yesterday and today) that don't require me going to campus.  I got so much done yesterday (of the DEEP WORK sort) I am so pleased with myself.  Today should be good, too.
• I might be having my very last period.  I say this because it had been 10 (?) months since my last one.  I know I've had a period ONCE since I turned 46 last November.  I don't remember when that was (December, January?).  I really thought I was done.  I was mostly glad about that.  But now I might need to go buy tampons because LG mostly uses pads so that's what we have in the house.
• I got a RAISE, people.  Like, I was actually shocked by my new salary.  It's not high by college standards (I think it's on the high side of average for my rank in my dept) but I was significantly underpaid before.  Now I don't know if it's worth my time to do the market (there are at the moment exactly two jobs that are even remotely appealing, and really would I move with a high school junior?  Not likely.  And just using it for the chance of getting an offer and then negotiating for $$ seems gross at this point.)  This just happened last night.  I'll sit on it a bit.
• And with that.  It's Friday!  to the work!

Another Failed Attempt at Time Tracking?

I decided I need to figure out where to find those extra eight hours (if it's possible to find those hours during a time that I have enough energy to do meaningful things).  I'm using a dated diary to do so.  I started this project on Sunday, and it's already gone off the rails.

See, I have a really good sense of where my time goes on the level of the hour.  But there are large blocks (those when kids are home, say) in which I switch tasks quite frequently.  (i.e. I'm cooking, and I'm also answering email.  I'm reading for class while Tiny Boy does his math)  I don't have enough TIME to track my time every 10 minutes or so, which is really the increment at which I might actually learn something about my habits.  So maybe what I really need to do is not track ALL my time but really focus my energy on those unwieldy moments of time?  (Yesterday, I know I used an hour, which was supposed to be half an hour, for an on-the-floor [literally] coffee talk with some colleagues.  It was one of the weirdest moments of life in my department.  Ever. I'm glad I did it.  But it can't be repeated again this semester.  Or maybe ever.)

Now it's time for walk to school in the rain [Tiny Boy is watching TV right  now, having done his math without a fit.  Go Tiny Boy!]

Where to find the time?

I am really feeling pressure on my available time.  I am a single, working parent of two kids with very different temporal needs.  End stop.  This general situation is not going to change for the next three years with LG in the house.  I am interested to see what happens when it's just me and Tiny Boy.  But that's still far off.

When I remember having 'more time' in a general sense was before Tiny Boy's birth, when LG was in lower elementary school and had an early bedtime (6:30/7 in kindergarten, as I recall!).  She also took the bus to school, which meant my work day started as early as 8:15.  So even though I was doing fertility treatment for some of that...my time was more my own (this through the rosy lens of a decade.  I know it didn't feel like it at the time).

I just commented on a post of SHU's that I need about eight more hours per week.  I do think that's about right.  That comes out to about an hour a day...so in theory I should be able to make that time (I mean, I do manage to watch TV!).  In practical terms, I'm not sure when unless it means (a) giving up sleep, (b) giving up time with kids, (c) giving up working out (which is not happening A LOT) anyway, or (d) working literally up until my own bedtime, which doesn't seem good from a sleep hygiene lens.  The other possibility (e) is more childcare on weekends.  I hadn't really considered this until right now.  It's interesting to contemplate, either by adding another hour to my Sunday sitter (right now she does 3) or possibly Saturday.  The hard thing is that to do the kind of work that requires those additional 6-8 hours means I need to have energy and focus, so deciding to carve it out at 9:30 pm doesn't make a lot of sense.

And now that I've used 15 minutes of my kid-in-school time, I'm going to get to WORK.

Observations welcome.  I'm planning to track my time for October.

Brought to You by the Sunday Afternoon Kid-Sitter

Right now Tiny Boy is with his 'kid-sitter' (his term, really: he's not a BABY, and 'childcare provider' is not a word a seven-year-old is going to use) at the school park.

I have taken the past two hours to read for one of my classes (yay), respond to some email, pay my bills.  I will momentarily turn to the reading for the other class, and toward the end of her shift (5:30) will throw something in the oven for dinner.  Probably just roasted veggies to go along with a rotisserie chicken (though it's hot for roasted veg.  hmmm.)

My ability to go into the week feeling okay very much hinges on these 2.5-3 hours on Sunday.  It also means that on Saturday, I do not need to think about work at all.  

*

Some other things going on in my world:  I am reading the sequel to The Handmaid's Tale on kindle app, which is working out okay.  Although I much prefer actual books in my hands, the time that I have to read for fun is really the time I sit on the floor in Tiny Boy's room in the dark, which means reading on a device.  I am not sure how I feel about this much-hyped book.  Let me finish and get back to you.

I am looking forward to the return of regularly-scheduled-network TV.  The shows I am looking forward to are The Good Place, which I watch with LG, also Will & Grace, which I watch with LG, and Madam Secretary, which I do not watch with LG.

I am, as the say, on the market .  I doubt anything will come of it, as assoc prof jobs in my field are quite unlikely, and also I don't actually want to move.  But I would like a raise.  And this is mostly how one goes about it.  Of course, my outgoing chair knows this and also advocated for me for a raise to the dean because salary compression and all that.  So we'll see...

*

And now back to the class prep!

When an Introvert Hosts a Party (And Other Stuff)

Occasionally I host a gathering.  Yesterday I had such a gathering, in honor of some new colleagues.  That meant I gave up the afternoon to procure wine and things to eat and clean up (I now know that hosting an event right after kids are in school works out very well in this regard; Tiny Boy cleaned up all Lego on Thursday night and then I did the meaningful stuff in the absence of people inclined toward mess and therefore I was not grumpy!)  Then there was the awkward moment of being with just a couple people who, like me, are inclined to show up on time.  Most people showed up toward the end of the window, and then things were lively and frankly TOO MUCH.  This is also the point at which I was a bit tipsy.  Then was the part when there were only six of us, sitting out on the patio in the dark, while Tiny Boy stayed up too late, and the extroverts were talking and the introverts were listening intently and everyone was laughing.  I think it was a good gathering.  It would be nice if people could actually RSVP.

*

So, I have a new colleague on a one-year appointment that could possibly turn into a longer appointment, as we have the needs.  And....I am regretting in some ways that we hired her, and this makes me uncomfortable.  See, she's perfectly qualified.  Stellar.  This is why she got the job.  But she's needy in a way I don't have time for.  Like, texting me (!!!) on the weekends about various things that are not really urgent.  I couldn't escape her last night at the party, because there is no break in her conversational style.  (I should have seen this coming when a 20 minute interview turned into about 35.  That seemed like a good thing at the time, but really it was symptomatic.)

*

I have a new Sunday babysitter starting tomorrow.  I'm not sure she will be a babysitter long term (there's another one Tiny Boy seems to like better, and all qualifications being equal, I'll go with the one he LIKES) but I am so super happy to have something resembling my routine back.  Because I need to get stuff done!!!!  I am so desperately behind in the commenting on student work and on various admin tasks.  And if for even part of today Tiny Boy has a low-key friend over or even better go elsewhere, well, AMEN.

*

And a question for you readers, especially academic types:  what is your email strategy?  I am generally good about limiting time I'm on email, but when I'm doing things that need doing on email, and things come in, I'm not good at waiting on the newest sparkly thing in my inbox. 

*

Happy Saturday!

RBOC: I am having an existential crisis

• Apparently buying a new house does not actually change everything about your life.  I mean I know this, but, still, magical thinking.  There was this moment of absolute quiet this morning when I was reading and drinking coffee and not checking email that was pure bliss.  And then I remembered that in order for me to be ready to go on Monday I need to GRADE THINGS AND PREP FOR CLASS and my whole tomorrow is meetings and I don't have weekend childcare.  
• Tiny Boy HATES homework.  Now I am not a fan of homework for early elementary school, but I prefer doing the homework to the histrionics about the homework.  And it's not like there's a lot of homework.  Generally I'm the sort to set a timer for 15-20 minutes and then call it done, regardless of how much is done. (Last year he finished before the timer went off almost every time.)  But right now I have a kid who would spend all that time wiggling/playing/talking/singing/banging/doing anything BUT homework while also holding a pencil.  So he spent about 40 minutes doing maybe 10 math problems the other night, and they were not complicated (even for him) problems.  The result is he is now a day behind on homework....and we didn't even look at spelling words.  ARGH.
• LG is doing well in terms of school.  But man:  on Mon/Wed, LG leaves the house around 7 am and doesn't get home until 8:30 at night.  (That's 5 periods of high school + college lit class + theater rehearsal)  So  LG legitimately isn't in a place to do chores (like empty the dishwasher) so I need to rethink strategy there.  And last night I had to haul Tiny Boy out of the bathtub to fetch LG, whose ride fell through, which meant bedtime was protracted all around.
• I am theoretically on sabbatical this spring, which is belated, and mentally I'm am just not there.  I also don't love either one of my classes; one is full of eager first year honors students who are pursuing elective credit [it's really a major only class, but honors kids can take what they want without prereqs] and the other is full of majors who don't seem to want to talk.  And while I can listen to myself talk for a long time, I'd rather not.  New plans are needed.  But mostly I want to read and write and not do my job.
• So in short, parenting isn't super fun right now.  And work isn't super fun right now.  And my house requires a lot of maintenance. And I need to figure out a way to meet some emotional needs, clearly...

RBOC: Back to School Edition

• This has been a hard week.  In addition to the back to school stuff, I have a major collaborative project going on that has involved a fair amount of my time (good chunks of four days), and it's emotionally intense (infertility related).  And because it's back to school I have less childcare than I need, and while I am screening childcare providers to get more childcare.....that takes time.  Chicken-egg.
• I give the kids chores for two reasons:  to actually help and to teach them life skills.  But then there are moments like last night when LG was cleaning the fridge and cleaning (to LG) meant OCD organizing cheese sticks and yogurts instead of, you know, wiping down grungy parts of the fridge.  I did point this out and redirect (I was pretty clear in my initial directions) and then still needed to do some of it myself because.  EWWWW.
• Tiny Boy has a flair for the dramatic.  Like, he just insisted I rush him to the doctor because he has a cut (that I can't really see) on his lower gums.  After seeing NicoleAndMaggie's recent post on their 7-y-o, I do wonder if some of that is going on here.  Because OMG.  He has an attitude.  And that I'm-a-big-kid attitude very much runs counter to the I'm-a-baby-and-need-to-snuggle thing that happens at bedtime.  I do not remember LG behaving like this at this age, but that's also when Tiny Boy was a newborn, so I might have missed some stuff.  I might need to check the archives.
• Has anyone here used GABA or CBD oil to help with sleep?  I'm a long-term Lunesta user, and I've successfully weaned myself down to 1/2 of a 1 mg pill + 1 mg melatonin.  I'd like to sub in GABA or something else for the Lunesta and see what happens.  I tried some holistic cocktail that has 3 mg melatonin + valerian and a whole bunch of other stuff and it made me super groggy.  And it tasted disgusting.  Point of this story is that while my minimal combo worked GREAT over the summer, now that my job is back to high stress, my sleep sucks.  I really might do well on an anti-anxiety drug....but I don't want to go down that road yet.

Back to School Clean Up

I have been in an organizing frenzy of late.  I mean, it's a means of procrastinating and also leads to feeling more in control of my outer environment and a cleaner house, so all good, right?  

First I spent (probably too much) money at the container store buying containers for my linen closet which is so beautifully organized and labeled I am besides myself (this house, if I haven't mentioned it, has a TON of built-in storage but it is all designed for tall people, making roughly 50% of the shelving useless for my household, given that the tallest member is LG, at just under 5'4"

Then today I cleaned my office.

And went through the pantry with the label maker.

And I have enlisted LG to do the fridge/freezer (out of a choice of bigger chores, this was the choice).

And then I ditched my 2019 planner (yes, I know it's August), because I have never liked it, and I bought a version of the Moleskine professional that I used to use at something like 70%  I love it.  The only problem is I didn't read and it's giant (like legal pad sized, with a hard cover) so I don't know that I will schlep it to campus every day.  But at least it's a place to put all my lists.  And it's even big enough to have what I plan to do on one side and what I actually did on the other.  (I am going to track my time again, but I'm not sold on it as telling me anything that I didn't already know.  I need a clone.)

How are y'all with the back-to-school frenzy?

The Last Day(s) of Summer

We head out of town on Sunday for our one brief summer trip as a family, to see cousins and play in the water.  We are all very excited about this (well, Tiny Boy and I are excited about this; teenagers are sullen and prone to eye-rolling).

Today is in many ways the LAST day of summer insofar as it is the last day in which I can putter around and work on my own stuff before my job hits when we're back on August 15.  As a way of feeling like I actually accomplished something--I did!--I just drafted a cover letter for my book manuscript and sent it off to publisher #1.  (I fully expect a rejection, but I'm glad to have taken that step.) I expect to come back to a ton of email.  I've also been putting off a lot of things because, you know, NOT PAID OVER THE SUMMER, so that will all be there waiting for me.

The things awaiting me include:  a lot of admin, programming, course prep, getting student independent studies/theses off the ground, and curating an exhibit at our local art gallery.  Ready set go!

The Summer Without a Summer Fun List

For the past many summers, I have constructed--with the kids--some version of a summer fun list.  They have been virtually identical from year to year, featuring such activities as making ice cream, trying out a new ice cream parlor, listening to music outside, swimming, beach days, baseball, picking berries, etc.  This year we didn't make a list.  We've still done the things we likely would have put on it.

The difference, for me, is that this summer seemed to create more space to do nothing.  Weekends included plenty of time for being home.  For yard work.  For Tiny Boy to go out and play in an unstructured way.  For me to sit around and read.

And, you know?  I think I liked this better.

Update at the End of July

Thanks to everyone who came out to say hello on my last post.  If there's anything you'd like me to talk about, drop me a line in comments.  Or, my email's gwinne (at) yahoo (dot) com.

• Thanks to a ~44 hour retreat (and my mother for childcare!) I seem to have finished a book manuscript.  All my other summer writing projects are also coming along.  It seems to be a productive summer, after all.
• Except in the Home Maintenance department, as I have not accomplished either the smaller things I can do (like organize the unorganized) or the big things I can't (screens on windows).  I have many appointments this week to talk to all the people who can fix things, or refer me to others.
• I decided (see above) to hire an interior designer for a consult ($100) to help me figure out the layout for my living room before I spend money on furniture.  All I know is I want a thing with a chaise.  I have no idea how to make it work.
• Tiny Boy has been pitching a fit about his bedtime, which it seems to me is exactly the right time (we go upstairs around 8, read and get ready for bed; he's tucked in by 8:30 and usually asleep 8:45-9:00.  If he's not asleep by 9:00 I leave his room anyway).  So I told him sure he can go to bed later but I still will not be in his room after 9:00, so if he wants me to snuggle that's my end point.  We'll see what happens.  I suspect we'll just tighten the front end so less reading, etc.  I do know it's hard to be a kid who goes to bed earlier than other kids....but that's not really early!  He needs 10 hours of sleep.  He almost always sleeps 10-10.5 hours.  And the latest he can comfortably wake up on a camp day is around 7:30.
• I have been watching TV while getting in an extra treadmill workout before camp pickup, which is great.  I've tried reading but can't make my eyes work that way.  I could do an audio book....but haven't decided to do that.
• Things I have made this summer:  pesto, cold brew coffee, vanilla ice cream, more vanilla ice cream.
• I am back on the Whole 30ish (minus the vanilla ice cream!), as my weight has gone up up up, despite cutting sugar from my coffee and not drinking alcohol.  I'm not really sure why.  I'm trying not to let the number bug me, but it really does.  Mostly I want my clothes to fit a bit more comfortably, and I am NOT going up a size.
• I think that's all I have for the moment.

Motherhood, Memory Loss--A Mishmash

I am trying to finish a book manuscript (general subjects are--perhaps I've mentioned this?--motherhood and temporality).  Like, super close to the end.  I will, I think, finish it this week ("finish" here means having a version that I'd be willing to send out for review).  It needs a few more details.  In the process of unearthing such details, I've been reading around in my blog archives.  And, wow, there's so much I don't remember.

Like, I found myself wondering how exactly I put Tiny Boy to bed when he was like 18 months, even though our sleep habits were, at the time, all consuming.  I found some gems, though, like the fact that LG apparently used the word "stummy" for a while when she was 9.

I've been thinking about the purpose of this blog (at this point in time).  On my end, it's certainly a record of about a decade of my life.  I'm not sure about the reading end, or who is really reading this anymore.  Might be time to take attendance.

When You Finally Get Enough Sleep

As part of this book project I'm working on which will feature, I think, exactly 168 footnotes (I have a PLAN) I have been reading a lot of things.  To wit:  I've been spending too much time in PubMed exploring the ins and outs of maternal mental health and sleep.  You know, the stuff that I was too exhausted to actually make sense of when I needed to, circa 2011-2014.  I feel quite validated in reading research that suggests that SINGLE MOTHERS ARE THE MOST SLEEP DEPRIVED GROUP OF AMERICAN ADULTS.  I also feel like maybe Tiny Boy's doctor should have maybe let us see a sleep specialist like two years before she made the referral.  And eternally grateful to the specialists we did see.

And you know, I now have a seven year old who mostly sleeps.  And I mostly do, too.

In Lieu of Twitter

Y'all.  I logged on to Twitter for the first time in AGES in order to send a linky thing about my new pubs.  And no more.  Twitter is dangerous.  But I sort of like tweets.  So, in lieu of Twitter:

1. Camp forms are the WORST.  There needs to be an easier way.
2. Tiny Boy ate popcorn and swedish fish for dinner last night.
3. Tiny Boy is learning the art of the knock knock joke.
4. I need a drink. #summerbreak

A Five Minute Post for June

• This hays been in some ways a good week for work.  I had a small weird thing picked up by an online journal I admire with a very quick turnaround; a chapbook I thought was being published very late 2019/early 2020 is being printed (!) and I just love the cover design.  I'm making headway on projects.
• It's also feeling like the summer is over, which is ridiculous, but I go back to work in less than two months, and I wanted to accomplish ALL THE THINGS.  Instead I will have to settle for some of the things done moderately well.
• I reread 123 Magic, which I hadn't looked at since LG was a kid, and I tried it on Tiny Boy, and holy shit, I need to remember that!!!!!  I just ordered the teen version because OMG parenting a teen is going to kill me, and that's only slightly hyperbolic.
• I started taking magnesium supplements because I have many of the symptoms of low magnesium and I thought it can't hurt.  And there's either a huge placebo effect or it actually works.  I'll give it a bit longer to conduct a real study.
• I seriously need to purchase blackout shades.  Lately the cat has taken to standing right next to me at 6 am to get me to feed her, which doesn't happen until closer to 7 when it's winter.

I have more to say but the five minute timer went off.  Back to real work, y'all.

Plan B

My calendar is quite empty for the week, as I am on call for jury duty.  I wasn't called to report on Monday, which was good, because I had two children home sick.  LG had a cold and sounded truly awful in the morning; Tiny Boy went to school fine and then I got a call at 9:45 that he'd vomited.  So much for yesterday.

Given the vomit and the fever and the 24 hour rule, Tiny Boy is home today, too.  Today we are going to play school (he is doing an art project at the moment) so I can get a bit done.  I think we'll also head to the gym in the afternoon, because he is FINE.

In other miscellany:

• My old cat has taken to using the new carpet as her litter box.  I put a new litter box on the first floor of the house so she doesn't need to climb the stairs but she has no interest in it (it's not actually NEW; it's the old one and the new one is in the old location, which she is still using).
• I am taking advantage of a huge sale for old planners on the Moleskine website to get a daily planner as well as my old weekly Pro calendar, because 5+ months in, I haven't made the Commit30 work.  It's OKAY, but it's missing a couple fundamental features for me, and I have a whole bunch of other systems going, which is to say, no system at all.
• In books and popular culture:  I finished Woltizer's The Wife  and have now started working my way through her oeuvre; I reread Helen Sword's Air & Light & Time & Space on academic writing; I'm also rereading Overwhelmed for a book project, which I liked the first time around and still do.  Having finished our rewatch of both The Good Place and Kimmy Schmidt LG and I watched Interstellar, which I must have initially watched under the influence of sleep medication because I remembered nothing other than the dust and the book ghost; we are now (re)watching Gravity, because, obviously.
• Next week Tiny Boy is going to grandma's solo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It would be even better if LG were out of the house, but our new house is big enough that we don't get in each other's way.  So some will be LG time and some will be work time.

Summer--finally! (and miscellany)

• For the past couple weeks I've been living in a weird limbo between spring semester and summer, with teaching done and grades submitted, but lingering administrative nonsense and professional development type things that meant my days were so full of human contact and appointments that I couldn't even make it to the gym.  That's not to say there weren't pleasurable moments (I got my hair cut on Weds, which involved a scalp massage, and I've been reading fiction) but I felt like I couldn't quite relax and definitely couldn't start All the Summer Writing and Reading Plans.  I mean, I haven't even articulated All the Summer Writing and Reading Plans.
• Thursday, which was the first day I didn't actually need to be on campus in I can't tell you how long, I had what I think of as A Day of Sloth.  I watched a good chunk of the current season of Killing Eve.  I read some stuff.  I cleaned some stuff and generally puttered around and fed my children and took Tiny Boy to baseball, where I read some more and looked up to watch him bat.  Friday more of the same, including watching Killing Eve while walking inclined on the treadmill, which left my glutes so sore that I can still barely walk (oops), and a massage that had been rescheduled because I actually forgot to show up to an appointment the week before, because All the Work.  Then this weekend I actually did not need to think about work or even check email, so although I had a colleague from work over for a glass of wine, that's because we are friends and mostly talked about non-work things.  I took Tiny Boy swimming with a friend from his class, whose mother I am starting to like, which is nice, because she might be the kind of friend who could just come over and drink a glass of wine while kids run around in the back yard, and it is nice to have those, as I didn't mostly when LG was young.  All that is to say, good weekend.
• I have been reading all the things I want to read, including Claudia Rankine's play The White Card (brilliant!), Tracy K. Smith's poetry anthology American Journal that I ordered for class, Ross Gay's delightful Book of Delights that I will also end up using for class, Meg Wolitzer's The Wife (I have not yet seen the movie with Glenn Close but want to).  I also started Maria Kuznetsova's Oksana, Behave! which wouldn't have come across my desk but for a work thing, and I'm enjoying it mostly, though it's not really my kind of fiction.  Oh, and Daisy Johnson's book Everything Under which also mostly wouldn't have made it on my radar but I got it from a friend and was immediately drawn to it.  Books.  Good.
• Today I am still going back to campus, but I think this is THE LAST MEETING for a very long time.  And I am making a mental note to make actual physical notes of all the job-related things I do over the summer when I am not actually paid to do them.  Including this meeting.

In Which My Job Prevents Me from Doing My Work

This is the semester that will not end.  My last day teaching was 4/25; my students submitted work by 5/2.  I just turned in grades.  But mostly it is ALL MEETINGS ALL THE TIME.  None of these meetings are particularly onerous; I actually like getting together with people to talk about collaborations or to work on something that would otherwise involve a lot of back and forth over email.

But last week I spent approximately 10 hours in meetings.  And this week I will be in about 15 hours of meetings (a chunk of this includes interviewing folks for a one year position).  And there will be another day's worth of meetings next week.

I remember back in those lovely days when I was an assistant professor and could basically turn in grades and BE DONE for the semester, and have a full month before LG started summer vacation.  Hahahaha.

Dear Readers: Please Solve All the Problems

To be clear, in the whole scheme of life, I have zero complaints.  I mean, I have many complaints about the State of the Things in the US and on the Planet, and those big issues trump [ahem] all my small issues by far.  So here are some small things of the day-to-day sort:

Dear readers:  what should I make for dinner?  I am in something of a food rut.  Here are the issues:  (1) I don't really have the time to be in the kitchen cooking all the things (I do have a crock pot/instant pot, and I do some meal prep on weekends, when I remember). (2) My household consists of one mostly paleo-ish individual, one mostly vegetarian individual, and one picky seven-year-old who will not eat mixed food (stews, soups, and the kind of things I generally like).  I can often figure out a meal that any two of us will eat, but it would be nice if I could find the magic combo that all of us would eat (the closest I can come is roast chicken or salmon + roast veggies, which is a once-or-twice a week thing).

Dear readers:  if you had extra space in your basement, what would you do with it?  Our basement could stay partly finished until the end of time.  We don't really need the space.  But I suspect if I made it appealing (minimally by changing the ceiling tiles, putting down real flooring, and painting) it would get used.  It's probably about 700 square feet down there, in two rooms (one already has paneling, the other is the laundry/mechanical area with a lot of unused space and a funky unusable shower in the corner) plus an area under the stairs that LG says could become a dark room.  Kid play room?  Craft area?  Spare bedroom?

Dear readers:  how much money do you pay teenagers for allowance and what do you expect them to buy with it?  I've been giving LG minimal allowance but I also pay for virtually everything (including spotify subscription).  I'd like to start shifting the balance so LG can learn to budget small scale; LG does have a debit card, which has been a very good move.

Dear readers:  I'm looking for a hobby.  I like artsy things but also don't want to do something that involves a ton of supplies, unless I end up making a craft room.  I've been doing some decoupage with mosaics out of cut paper (old magazines) on plastic containers; LG uses them for jazzed up storage.  Other ideas?

Tell me how to live my life, would you, please?

Another End of Semester Post

So it's spring, and all the usual spring body things are happening.  Hives from sun exposure.  Itchy eyes.  Yesterday we got new furniture in the office, and I'm not sure if it's the offgassing from the furniture or the dust or some combination but after being there all day my eyes were so puffy and red and itchy and watery I had to take my contacts out even though I had taken Benadryl (on top of the zyrtec I already take daily).  I'm wearing glasses today just as a precaution.

We've reached the end of the semester.  I'm done reading for class (yay!).  I'm mostly done with grading (other than final projects, which haven't come in yet).  I'm trying to close all the admin loops.  But this will drag on for a while (I'm chairing a search that won't be done probably through the third week of May, maybe the fourth if HR is slow).

I'm looking forward to the first summer in this house:  actually getting furniture and finding out how we use the spaces.  And using them for books and projects and all those sorts of good things.

The Usual Spring Anxiety Attacks

I know this happens in the spring.  There are reasons, partly because March is crazy on campus.  And THINGS have happened to me in March/April.  (Seasonal PTSD triggers?)  And someone who is a medical doctor might have actual research, but I do think there's something about allergy/histamine spikes in my body manifesting in ways that feel like anxiety.

All this is to say my body is seized up.  And I wish I had access to valium (slight hyperbole).  I need to be doing yoga, but who has time for yoga when it's March?

I know this isn't a real post.  It's me talking to springs past.  That one eight years ago:  holy shit.  I see it sometimes in the face of a first grade boy.

When the Work Never Ends

So, the fabulous SHU had a post up last week about time blocking and admin work, to which I want to reply, mostly to say YES that's a good system, and it's one that I try to use.  Emphasis on try.  In practical terms lately, it's one urgent task after another.  It all needs to be done last week.  (When will I read that dissertation chapter?  Well, during Tiny Boy's hockey practice, of course.)

Today I found myself without my usual Sunday afternoon childcare, so we went to McDonalds (good for kids and grown ups!) for a Happy Meal and playland while I used free wifi to deal with all the email.  That was after we had a friend over and they ran amok while I (you guessed it) dealt with email.  Now he's on his screen and I'm doing this, while dinner cooks and other appliances hum with washing dishes and drying laundry.

This is busy season.  Like, crazy busy season.  And it occurred to me sometime this week that I don't actually know how much work to do in a day.  On the one hand, I am perpetually "behind" so I need to grab every spare minute in order to catch up; on the other, well, I am perpetually "behind" so it also doesn't really matter if I stay up to grade those papers or answer those other emails or whatever.  When work has the capacity to expand to all waking hours--as academic jobs always do--how to know when to call it a day?  I'm not an insane workaholic at this point in my life.  (Like, I'm writing this.  I also read an entire novel--a really short novel--between Friday night, at the event at which I purchased said novel, and this morning.)  But still I find it hard to know when it's time to shut down and too frequently tempt fate by checking email one more time before bed....

The Week of All the Books

It's "spring break," which I put here in quotes as it is neither spring (the wind chill is well below zero) nor a real break (I made the unfortunate mistake of checking email and the administrative nonsense is piling up).  But it is break-like, insofar as I do not need to go to the office or prep for class.  I'm in my pajamas.  I've had time to spend with each of my children.  I've worked on book projects.  I've done some household projects.  I've read.  A lot.  Some things I've read this week, and something resembling reviews:

Becoming by Michelle Obama:  I finished this, finally, after moving back and forth between the print version and the audio.  It was "well-written," and there were some moments I adored (i.e. Michelle Obama sitting in her car eating Chipotle on lunch break) but not a page-turner for me, which is why it took me weeks to get through it.  Perhaps because it's not really a memoir so much as an autobiography in its wide lens...

Caroline: Little House Revisited by Sarah Miller:  I don't really remember how I stumbled across this (maybe one of my kindle suggestions?)  In any case, the title gives it away.  I struggled to get into the first fifty pages and then I finished quickly.  However controversial Little House on the Prairie might be these days, it was my childhood favorite, and the first TV show I really loved.  While not the sort of thing I usually read, I very much appreciated the depth of this book and its point of view.

Outer Order, Inner Calm by Gretchen Rubin:  Yeah, I pre-ordered this one because generally I love Rubin's work.  This was a waste of money, in truth.  For anyone who has read anything on "decluttering" there's absolutely nothing here that's new.  Like, nothing.  Highly disappointing.

*

Those are the books I've finished.  I'm also working my way through three others that I'm really enjoying.

Generous Thinking by Kathleen Fitzpatrick (I doubt this will inspire actual change, but it should be required reading for all academics, and I'll be giving a chunk of it to my honors seminar as a way to get them to talk to each other differently)

A Body, Undone: Living on After Great Pain by Christina Crosby (I'm fascinated by Maggie Nelson writing about Crosby and Crosby writing about Nelson and need to do something about this.  This book also has solidified my desire to teach a class on literature of/and the body)

Atomic Habits by James Clear (this is probably the best self-helpy type thing I've read in a while)

I hope my planner is in my office.

I can't find my planner.  I'm 90% sure it's in my office, as the last time I remember writing in it was Tuesday afternoon, when I scheduled out meetings with my thesis advisees.  I'll know shortly.

That meant all day yesterday I was without planner and to do list.  I have a reasonable enough architecture to my days that I knew in general terms what I was supposed to do.  But it was also a weird day because my cell phone didn't work (apparently there was some issue with a cell tower?) which meant it took me a while even to log into our course management system (which uses 2-factor identification for faculty).  We had a guy over regrouting the bathroom and the kitchen tile which stunk to high heaven, and not surprisingly whether it was due to that fact, a bad sleep week, a barbecue potato chip binge, or a combo, I ended up with a migraine that barely responded to imitrex, and only after a long while of sitting with a heating pad.  All this is to say, yesterday was weird.

We're on the cusp of spring break, and I am deliberately extending mine by one day (tomorrow) by avoiding campus at all costs.  I could go to a junior colleague's talk.  I could go to a meeting about potentially going up for promotion.  Or I could actually take a day to get my house in order, go to a new coffee shop, and WRITE.  So, yeah, that. 

What turned out to be lovely about the planner-less day is I didn't feel beholden to the minutia.  I'm prepped for class. I showed up on time to do what needed doing (I think!).  I read.  And now I'll head to the office to see what small things I was supposed to do that I can knock out before class...

RBOC: President's Day

• I explained to Tiny Boy why he's off from school today.  He now thinks we're celebrating dead presidents--the good ones-- but NOT Trump who will also not have his head carved into Mount Rushmore.  When I dropped Tiny Boy off at camp (thank you!!!!), the lead caregiver was launching into a similar speech, and a kid (not mine!) there proclaimed "NOT PRESIDENT TRUMP" and while the children were warned to keep their parents politics out of it, I was very happy to know the sort of children mine would be hanging out with today.
• I am completely overwhelmed with work.  I know there's no point in writing this.  It is what it is.  It would be overwhelming without all the days off.  Luckily, spring break, a catch up point, only two weeks out.  Mostly I'm going to do things resembling "self-care" (though I really do hate that term and need to come up with a better one).
• It is 2:55.  Today I have dropped off Tiny Boy and done my workout (camp is at the gym); I have graded 2/3 of the stack of papers, finished a conference abstract and begun another one; dealt with miscellaneous email; worked on some revisions; finished the book I'm teaching this week.  It's a lot, and not nearly enough.  I'm taking a break (I'm noticing I don't take actual breaks anymore) to do this and then make dinner and then go back to the administrative STUFF that was my backlog from last week.  And then I'll pick up Tiny Boy and around and around it goes.

RBOC: I Can't Even

• Yesterday was snow day #9.  Really.  I like snow.  This winter needs to stop NOW.  
• I realized picking up Tiny Boy today at 5:30 that the light is turning.  Spring seems possible.
• I'm having the sort of week when 50% of my job is literally sending email.  The dean emails my chair who emails me and then I email faculty in my program.  Or something like that.  (Yesterday we were talking about a new evaluation procedure for admin folks and my chair recommended keeping a list of all this stuff.  Both the big picture and the minutiae.  It feels stupid, but also, yeah.)
• My fingers/toes are mostly healed and blood work did not reveal any huge problems of the autoimmune sort, so yay.  
• I bought insanely overpriced boots, though, that should keep feet warm and dry in the way below zeros, and that has been really good.  Really really good.
• My diet sort of went to hell after the month of the Whole 30ish and all the days home with my children that required alcohol and carbs.  But, you know, damn if I don't get a migraine every single time I eat like crap.  Still, there are packzi in my kitchen, and I'm going to eat one.
• On Monday I spent 4 hours doing my annual review, which was about 3 more hours than I'd planned on....and my document vanished.  I'd saved it multiple times.  I looked for it everywhere.  Finally I emailed our IT guy who remotely controlled my computer and found a weirdly named file in a back door of 'unsaved' stuff that he said it looked like I kept saving it in word and it didn't go anywhere????? but in any case, that was about 80% of the work, so amen for small miracles and IT guys.
• I have caught up on all the TV shows I'm interested in, and I'm not really interested in picking up a new one.  I am thinking I might re-watch all of The X-Files, most of which I haven't seen in 20 years.
• LG is 15.  LG has had a crappy couple years for reasons I'd rather not blog about but amount to TEEN ANGST.  But LG has been on an antidepressant, and is now more pleasant to be around and seems to be in a better mood.  And grades are exceptional.   And volunteer work is happening.  And massive violin practice and art making.  So all the months of holy-shit-my-kid-is-going-to-be-a-burnout have come to a good end.  Amen.

The Right Book

My day job involves teaching reading.  A lot of my energy lately has gone into pushing students to explore why they feel about books.  They know what they think.  They have a critical vocabulary for that.

I've been reading Michelle Obama's memoir, slowly; I'm only about 70 pages in.  I know I will like it, as a portrait of a woman I like.  It's "well written."  Eventually, I'll finish it.  But I've put it down to plow through two other books--Layli Long Soldier's poetry collection Whereas and Dani Shapiro's memoir Inheritance, which I read in about 24 hours.  What is it about Shapiro that holds me captive in a way that Obama does not?

I'm not entirely sure I have an answer.

There are books I have tried--and failed--to read multiple times.  I'm at the point in my life and my career that I don't need to--and won't--finish them.  If I were a student and they were assigned, I would.

There is something magical about reading the right book at the right time, and in this era of the algorithm I wish there were some kind of formula to determine what that is.  I suspect I'll be reading a few other things before I get back to Obama in a serious way.  

In Which I Submit to January

OMG this week.

My kids finally went back to school today, in -2 degree weather, which meant I had to scrape off the car (I didn't shovel after the snow on Wednesday) and thankfully it started and everyone is where they need to be.

I was off Wed and Thurs.  So while that meant I still had to do some phone calls/skype mtgs, I was otherwise in complete triage mode.  My dept chair, who is single and has an insane work ethic, kept sending emails giving me more stuff to add to the list. 

Tiny Boy watched a shit ton of TV this week, just so I could do the bare minimum. 

I also made it through 4 episodes of Killing Eve, which I'd checked out from the library, and read a novel for class.  I cooked a lot of stuff.  I also spent a lot of time in bed with a heating pad, because the gas company asked all customers to turn down heat to 65.  Now it's back up to 68.  Still, I'm not sure I'm ever going to warm up.

Today I need to take a shower and actually go to campus.  But I'm also going to go to my ill-timed dance class because I could really use some exercise and my toes no longer have sores that prevent barefoot dancing.  (Yay!)  In all of this, I never made it to the lab to have my blood drawn.  Maybe next Monday?

Winter Wonderland

Welcome to Snow Day #5!

To recap:  my kids were off last week for MLK (Mon), snow day (Wed).  My big kid had an all-day orchestra event on Friday.  School has been cancelled Monday, Tuesday, and today, and likely tomorrow.  At least--the point at which the governor has declared a state of emergency--the university closed today... but it's not like the work itself goes away.

All this is to say I'm going a bit stir crazy, and Tiny Boy has watched entirely too much TV (Pokemon, on netflix).

Today I will likely cook a lot of stuff (already hash browns and pancakes, maybe some chicken soup), try to organize some things in my study, and read for class, operating under the assumption that we'll have class tomorrow.... but maybe not.

At least Tiny Boy slept until 7:30 this morning.   Which means I did, too.

All the Plans

I am never at a loss for plans.  I have a list of Ideas! to write about.  The beginning of my planner (Commit 30) is full of things I'd like to accomplish.  My problem of course is with follow through, not on any particular plan but because I have Too Much Going All the Time.

My "challenge" for the month was a Whole 30/Paleo-ish thing.  As of Monday it will be four weeks, so I thought it would be a good time to report.  I have definitely lost 3 pounds.  I definitely feel better, both in the headache department and the GI department.  I have NOT done a strict Whole 30 but pretty darn close (and I wasn't aiming to do a strict Whole 30).  My version:

• no legumes at all
• no grains (I made an exception with popcorn, and I think there was a lesson learned.  Corn intake might be a legit problem for me.  Need to experiment a bit.)
• no dairy (other than lactose-free half&half in morning coffee)
• no alcohol (I'm probably caving tonight, when I have a friend over for dinner)
• highly restricted sugar (just a piece of chocolate/day, and not every day); the biggest success here was cutting sugar from coffee

There was one day I 'cheated' both with respect to chocolate and a major snacking fix (I ate most of a bag of root vegetable chips, so definitely could have been worse) but otherwise I've held it up.  I can definitely keep going.  I'd also like to NOT cut whole food groups that might be okay (rice and beans anyone?) so I plan to introduce slowly.  My hunch is that this is pretty much the diet I should be on, with some wiggle room.  Really, the simple fact of writing down 90% of what I ate in my planner was enough to keep me honest.

What went to hell was my vague plan to exercise more, between the cold-induced hand-and-foot problem, and all the days home with kids, I just never got into a good groove.  Literally every time I planned to go to yoga there was a REASON I couldn't go (like a child home).  That's going to be next month's challenge.

I've also spent a shit ton of money in the past six weeks or so (on the house, mostly, but there was also a massive book binge in there) and I don't budget, which is not something I actually want to do, but I do want to cut unnecessary spending in Feb.  Before then, I need to buy a pair of winter boots (and considering I've had the same ones for 5+ years this would not seem to be a luxury) and perhaps a better coat, because COLD.  So, yeah.  Frugal February, because I like the way it sounds.

Cold Cold Cold Cold

I'm cold.

Our driveway is a sheet of ice with a layer of snow on top.

I'm cold.

Like, when I went to the doctor for the Nineteenth Century Hand Affliction, the baby-man doctor* commented on how cold my hands and feet are.  Yup.  He also said it looked like I have frost bite.  Nope.  It's really hard to get frost bite inside a house set at 72 degrees.  So there's that.

In any case, my own internist confirmed I diagnosed myself correctly and ordered a bunch of blood work that I haven't had done because I haven't had time, and it's also a bit triggery to have all those autoimmune** tests run again.  Monday.  In the meantime, she told me to kick up the heat and make sure I stay warm.....the high this week was one blip of 28 but mostly hovering around 15 degrees.  If it gets worse I can try a blood pressure medication, but since I don't have high blood pressure...not the best plan.

So I'm cold.  I am currently wearing a long-sleeved shirt and two sweaters, two pairs of socks, and sitting under a blanket.  And I'm freezing.  And my fingers hurt.





* he was a mansplaining doctor-in-training (a resident?) who looked to be about 22

** chilblains would appear to be connected to lupus and also antiphospholipid antibodies, which it seemed I had circa 2003.  But my visit summary said something about chronic fatigue syndrome, which is totally not my thing, so I need to ask about that...

From the Land of Snow Days

I could check my archives, but I'm 90% sure this is not the first MLK week that has also had a snow day and/or child illness.  And because I've promised LG to do a field trip thing (a major orchestra concert....the reason we have been driving to high school at 6:40 am) I will also lose the bulk of Friday (it's about 1.5 hrs from here).  That means my work week is two days plus the bits of time I've cobbled together while Tiny Boy has too much screen time.

So I'd better get off the internet and get back to it.  ARGH.

Pits and Cherries

A friend of mine used to have her kid describe the 'pit' and 'cherry' from her day, which my family has taken up from time to time.  Here are yesterday's:

Pits
--I seem to have chilblains (which makes me feel like something from a Victorian novel).  The same thing happened last year but not quite this bad.  I'm okay in the morning but by the end of the day my fingers and toes are incredibly swollen and sore.  Today I've taken ibuprofen already; I'm hoping that helps.  I have an appointment with my internist on Tues because she didn't want to give me advice through the" patient portal."  I am vaguely worried there is a bigger issue here, because I tend toward autoimmune problems, but mostly it's just annoying.
--I am still sorting out paint color and have taken too many drips to Sherwin Williams at 7 am, and now I need to go back because I forgot my wallet during the last trip and therefore couldn't buy the last sample I need.

Cherries
--Buying furniture (in this case a kitchen island) online.  There are three 70+ pound boxes on my living room floor waiting to be assembled.  LG says she can handle it.  (She's on set crew for theater, so this might be legit.  I might also need to hire someone.)
--An elderly couple came over last night to take ALL THE BOXES that I'd tried to Freecycle eons ago.  Every last one of them.  I am so happy that (a) I might be able to put the car in the garage and (b) I do not need to take them to the recycling center.
--LG studied for tests (I know, right?) and actually seems to have all As with the exception of a B+ in science.  The problem has never been aptitude but actual willingness to work.   LG has an interview for a volunteer position, and we've sorted out an after school plan that I am comfortable with.  It's been a rough month in teen world.
--I love my senior seminar.  Love love love.
--Tiny Boy's room is crazy blue.  He loves it.

All the Things

• The diet is going pretty well.  I have not had any alcohol since NYE.  The only sweet I've had is in the form of chocolate, like one square per night (and not every night).  That is, I've followed my own rules 100%.  Mostly it's fine, and I'm not hungry, but there have been some challenging moments, like last night, coming home after back-to-back-to-back meetings and really just wanting take out.  I pan fried some potatoes (in ghee).  That solved that problem.  My weight is down 3 pounds (I'm going for about 5-8 total).
• I have started a grand experiment in my senior seminar which is going insanely well, at least after the first week; it's a discussion thread in lieu of reading responses that only I see.  I suspect they're going to get tired--and perhaps I will, too-- but for now, yay!
• I can't pick colors for my living room and dining room.  I'm going for shades of blue-gray, a bit darker than Sherwin Williams "Fleur de Sel" which is in the bulk of the house.  At least the painter can do the family room first, so I don't need to pick.
• I'm dealing with a planner fail.  I got the Commit 30, which I really do like from a goal setting standpoint.  But I'm used to having a whole page (or even two) per week for notes and I really need that.  Right now I'm supplementing with a sheet of paper inserted with a longer list of tasks (like, I keep a running 'admin' list so whenever I have time I just go down it).  Not sure whether I need to actually suck it up and buy my trusty Moleskine, or do something else.  (SHU, I've you're reading, help!)
• Right now, I really want ALL THE CARBS.  

No No No

An opportunity came into my email this week, to serve as a reviewer for an article for one of the biggest (THE biggest?) journal in my field.  I was flattered and intrigued.  I read a couple pages of the article.  I got pissy that the writer hadn't cited me (I checked the notes) as I've written like THE ONLY existing scholarship on this particular text.  I thought, I have the power to make sure this piece isn't published.  I thought, this is feeling icky; I don't actually like this power (this particular piece was one up, one down, and I was supposed to be the third).

Then I thought, more objectively:  I could spend about 90-120 minutes of my life reading this thoroughly, writing it up, and "helping" someone else's career.*  For nothing.  I mean, it's not even enough work that it warrants putting on my annual review, which has enough random editing/reviewing on it.  Or I could spend those minutes actually writing about the text in question again (which is part of my book project).  In that light, seems pretty obvious.

I said NO.

Not my problem.

* There are things I would happily do in this capacity, like serve on someone's external review committee.  Cuz women writers need to help other women writers.  But double blind peer review?  Not so much.  At least not this week.

Things I Like About Our New House

So far I am still very much in love with our new house, despite the work it needs.  Some of what I like I knew going into it (obviously), like what having an extra toilet would do.  Some unexpected pleasures:

• It is quiet.  It is big enough, that the three of us can be in completely different areas (right now, I'm in the study, which is up front, and Tiny Boy is in the family room, which is completely diagonal from me, and LG is all the way upstairs).  I lived very happily solo, and even as a mother to an infant, in a 700 sq. foot apartment; I suspect that about 600-700 sq. feet per person is what feels comfortable, at least to me, and this house is exactly that.  
• I sleep better, not sharing a wall with Tiny Boy.  There are occasional cries from across the house, but they are real cries, not the whimpery turning over noises when I could hear everything.
• Less visual clutter.  Too much stuff really does have an effect on my mood.  Right now, there are enough spaces for me to escape to that don't have stuff (my room, my office, the living room [which also doesn't really have much yet in the way of furniture]) and I'm less apt to be bugged by Tiny Boy's toy mess.  Also, most of the mess is in his room, or shoved into a closet which I rarely open.

There's also a lot more in the way of upkeep (I mean, I wasn't great about cleaning one bathroom and now there are two) but so far that hasn't become a problem.  I do need to get the kids into a clear clean up routine....

The Whole Whole 30 Thing

So...as I mentioned in the last post, I'm doing something resembling the Whole 30.  Like, about 90%.  I am allowing myself to have dairy in coffee (once, in the morning), 1 square of dark chocolate, and, theoretically 2 glasses wine/week (I have not yet indulged).  I'm also not obsessing about ingredient checking in things like salad dressing, which I already buy organic and only use in teeny quantities.  I'm doing this because I feel bleh after eating way too much in the way of carbs this past month, and also because of the gradual weight creep.  My metabolism is just not what it used to be.  End stop.

It's going quite well so far, which I attribute to two simple tricks:  (1) I'm writing down what I'm eating in my planner.  The fact that I don't want to write down "and a lot of potato chips while watching TV with LG" is enough.  (2) I'm brushing my teeth shortly after dinner, which is a signal to stop eating (I am drinking herbal tea, though).  I have been about 90% gluten free and 100% soy-free for a long time; the major changes to my diet are cutting sugar in the morning coffee (it's palatable if I use good quality coffee beans!), cutting grains and legumes, which I suspect are not great for me anyway (I love you chickpeas, but you're hurting my gut!), and cutting most dairy.  The only times that have been really hard were when LG cracked into a stash of truffles (which were a gift to ME from a friend, that I was trying to save), and also I desperately wanted to snack yesterday when I had a headache.  I ate a 1/2 apple with almond butter and was back to human again.

According to my scale, I'm down 2.5 pounds.  I think it's probably more like 1-1.5, but I'll take it.
More thoughts on this soon.

RBOC: Winter Break Edition

• I have really taken a break this break, as the whole moving in September thing really messed me up.  Rather than do work (of the writing sort), which is challenging without regular childcare, I just gave in to the puttering with children.
• Among other things, this means that yesterday I spent probably three hours sitting on Tiny Boy's bedroom floor, assisting in various Lego projects.  His attention span for such activity is astonishing....but he largely needs me in the same room for conversation.  See also:  why it is that I don't try to do real work without real childcare.
• There has been a lot of screen time for all.  We saw Mary Poppins Returns on Christmas day, and we have watched over the past three days the original film for comparison.  LG and I have been watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, which I am thoroughly enjoying.
• There has been reading of the non-academic sort.  After Station Eleven, I read Mandel's The Singer's Gun, which is not nearly as good, but it's possible to see some of her narrative architecture at work.  And some lovely sentences.  It checks all my boxes (literary fiction, third person narrative, meaty but not insanely long).  I am now rereading, for probably the seventh time, The Secret History, which contradicts almost everything in the previous sentence.  It's been a few years, which is long enough to have discoveries.  It is also a book that I have in both digital and hard copy editions, which is my preferred reading strategy at the moment.
• It is amazing how much psychic difference the painting and small details makes in the house.  Yesterday I put out the photos I used to have in my bedroom, and added a potted plant to the top of my dresser.  I love it.  Painting will be finished in the next couple weeks, and my handyman should come over to do things like install new faucet.  I have an estimate scheduled with a tile guy to see what can be done on the cheap for fixing cracked tiles in the bathroom, and some re-grouting.  I'm also going to pick up some carpet swatches because the GREEN has to go.  The two other big things I need to make decisions about are kitchen island and living room furniture.
• In terms of 'resolutions' and such, I purchased the Commit 30 planner and while I'm not sold on its aesthetics compared to the Moleskine of yore, I do appreciate the overt space for monthly 'challenges' and such.  I suspect that accountability will be enough for me.  My first challenge is a slightly modified Whole 30/Paleo (I'm allowing myself half and half in morning coffee and a square of chocolate at night, and will probably also add back in potatoes).  My weight is high enough that it's making me cranky, but mostly I don't like how my clothes fit.
• I have been experimenting with not taking Lunesta by alternating nights with 1 mg melatonin.  It worked okay at my mom's house.  Last night I just didn't sleep.  Like, I fell asleep at about 3:00 am and then Tiny Boy was screaming about something so the rest of the night was fitful, and I woke up for good by 7:30.  Fortunately I don't really need to do anything today, and I'm also more alert when I sleep the second half of the night rather than the first.  But ugghhhhh.
• Now I leave you to the doing of Lego.