What Do I Want? (And Sabbatical Thoughts)

I was up last night spinning with existential angst.

Okay, that's a slight exaggeration.  But I did have trouble falling asleep and woke up early as I was turning around the question What Do I Want?

I did make the list of finalists for on campus interviews for that other job.  (Not it seems the other job at my own university, which would up the angst substantially, but not disrupt my children's everyday lives.)  Although I think it's highly unlikely that I'd take the job if offered, I still think it's worth going on the interview; all the preparation has been a useful--if still unresolved--intellectual exercise in exploring what do I really want to do, what do I find meaningful in the job that I have, etc. etc.  And there ARE conditions under which I'd take this job if offered, because it is in an IDEAL location.  (That is, I see no point in applying for a comparable position at a university located in a place I would never ever under any circumstance fathom moving.  Been there. Done that. Now I have kids.) 

I've been reading a book on negotiation because I suspect I will need to negotiate, having NOT done that well the last time around (the salary offered was higher than the salary I was earning, and, well, I was stupid).  I just got a raise here (a substantial raise, but one that still just puts me in line with my colleagues) but if there is space to negotiate I should.  Because that big raise might not ever happen again, and I have years of being underpaid to make up for.  But I'm also exploring things other than salary that would (a)  make me take the new job, because location is not enough and (b) make me stay at my new job.  This will require a lot more thought, so I'd welcome your perspectives.

Money:  to move, I'd need an absolute minimum of $15K over what I'm making now, because cost of living would increase.  That would not be the deciding factor, but a minimum.  I don't know what's reasonable to ask of my current employer, but I think $5K would do it.

Other things I'm mulling:  student worker and/or GA line; additional course release; summer salary; a way to get out of the overload I'm theoretically doing next year; promotion (if offered the other job, I'd want to go in as a full prof, given my publication record and experience).  Especially for you academic/admin types, any advice or ideas?  This book I'm reading suggests imagining an ideal....and I just can't.

*

So sabbatical:  yup, great in theory, very tricky in practice.  I am doing administrative and teaching (honors thesis) work, which means I can never really be OFF.  I'm trying to remember as much as I can that there is a specific outcome tied to sabbatical (a book ms) as well as a state of mind.  Not doing any admin type stuff on Mon/Tues, and limiting to Wed/Fri afternoons is helpful.  Yesterday I was on campus for 5 hours (it could have been more, but a colleague cancelled a meeting).  I was completely drained by the end of it.  BUT I made sure that I had about 2 hours of meaningful deep work before I went in, which helped enormously.  Tomorrow there's a training/workshop I want to attend, but it's 3 hours.  I'll go....and cut out after the first hour if it isn't doing it for me.

Something Resembling Sabbatical (and Other Stuff)

We are currently housebound with a 'wintry mix' and ice covering everything.  Tiny Boy and I made a list of things to do assuming we had power and assuming we didn't.  Fairly ordinary stuff:  playing with trains, baking, reading, puzzles, 'shopping' for a new (old, forgotten) toy in the basement.   But after seven hours of this I'm DONE; Tiny Boy is now watching TV.  We are tentatively going to a friend's house for dinner (they live within walking distance); we'll see.  (The mom is the one human being on the planet who makes me feel completely inept; she is a dean in the law school, always perfectly coiffed, and is generally a delightful human being.  The feeling inept says everything about me and nothing about her.)

This week was theoretically the beginning of my sabbatical.  There were some highlights:  I read some stuff, watched a lot of Good Girls (and gave myself shin splints as I did a good chunk of this on the treadmill), had lunch with a friend, went to the furniture store on a continuing quest to find living room furniture.  But I also spend about *8 hours* on admin/teaching type tasks, which is 8 hours more than I spent on meaningful writing.  Next week I need to write two letters of rec.  There's also that Skype interview (I spent some quality time talking to myself on the track in preparation).  I had the epiphany late in the week that I feel like I'm on sabbatical when I'm exploring and reading and thinking (and, yes, talking to myself), but not when I'm checking off a task.  (And certainly not when I'm checking email.)  On Friday I was actually asked to do a review of a junior faculty person (internal) and though I like her, I really do, I just said no; there are many other people who could do this.  Right now I need to be saying yes only to the things that only I can be doing.  I do think at some point I can get into a groove and become a master at time blocking.  But hard. 

So right now I could be doing some things (like email.  or cleaning my office.  or reading.  or writing) but instead I'm sitting in the comfy chair NOT DOING because if you can't do nothing on a snow day while on sabbatical well, when can you?

Knowing What To Ask For and Other Stuff

• Out of the four jobs I applied for (one internal), so far I have one interview (external).  On the one hand, I'm sort of surprised.  On the other, not really.  It's a 'step down' in terms of type of institution, but a step up in terms of administrative hierarchy.  It's early to call it, but my hunch is I'll end up with a campus visit.  (I tend to interview well.  A lot of years of competitive speech practice.)  I was talking today with a colleague (who wrote me a letter of rec); she said I should take this to my chair NOW and negotiate.  I'm sort of inclined to wait and see how this goes.  (Also, I suspect I'll get an interview for the internal position simply for the reason that it would be politically in their best interest (if I don't get this position, I will be closely collaborating with the individual who does).
• My colleague also suggested negotiating for things it never occurred me to to negotiate for (a semester off!  summer pay! etc!)  Part of me I think is so wonderfully pleased with my raise (which is SWEET but still just brought my salary in line with my peers) that I don't want to ask for more.  But maybe I should?
• I am also really struggling with the letting go that I need to do on sabbatical next semester.  Like if one of my colleagues keeps texting me at all hours I will go insane.  She needs a mentor who is not me.  End stop.
• I haven't yet put this semester to bed, so I haven't been able to do all the mental planning I want to do.  Soon....
• Our cat is really not doing well.  On Tuesday  night she started howling and went into the litter box room and lay down on her side.  I was sure she was dying.  I made LG say goodbye (Tiny Boy was asleep) and we both petted her for about five minutes.  And then she got up and walked downstairs for food and went about her night.  I decided a while ago I was not pursuing heroic measures, and I didn't want her to die in the car on the way to the emergency vet.  I kept asking LG if that was okay.  If LG couldn't handle it, I would have.  I had a teary eyed conversation with the vet today, and she said I'd know when it's time.... but I really don't know.  This cat is hanging on.  

Compartmentalizing

I have a new work strategy that is working moderately well.  Certain activities--writing on different projects, my admin job, grading--are allotted certain time slots.  If that work is not completed during that time, it happens during the next allotted time.  In other words, if I don't finish all the emails I need to send during the 30 minutes earmarked for email, well, it waits until tomorrow.  Like I said, working moderately well.  I'm less good about respecting boundaries for my own writing; that is, while I'm pretty good about preserving my writing time in general, I do not always stick to the plan about what it is that I will work on.  This is fine as long as all projects get some airtime during the week.

As I've said before, Laura Vanderkam makes me a bit nutty.  Thinking about my week in terms of 168 hours has been somewhat helpful.  But what's more realistic is thinking about my week in terms of hours with children and hours without children.  Yes, we all have 168 hours, but it's really not realistic to think that we control what happens in all those hours, particularly when children are involved.  I might decide that 10-6:30 are for SLEEP but Tiny Boy starts crying about his teeth and needs to sleep on my body (the subject of another post), he wins.  I have a certain number of hours with childcare--I've been having about 4-5 weekend hours per month to do work, on top of daycare/school--and realistically that's when I need to plan on working.  NOT after kids go to bed.  Because while that's nice in theory, in practical terms, well, I know it doesn't work, at least not with a toddler.  (I did work at night when I could count on LG going to bed at 7:30 or earlier, which maybe was around 3.5-7.5 [and then her brother showed up]).  Right now I'm not going to give up any of my potential relaxation/sleep time to work.  It just doesn't make any sense.  Yes, nice to be on the other side of tenure.  Yes, nice to be teaching material I could probably do in my sleep (ha!).

I am also trying to be aware of my energy (and anxiety) levels and capitalizing on them.  This morning was stuttery and somewhat depressive so I went to the library and picked up some books.  That needed to happen anyway.  Keeping a mental if not physical list of stuff--little things, that is--that can make me happy in a given day.  Today it was drinking cider while giving feedback to a grad student about his comps proposal (the cider was the treat, of course).

Anyway.  Must do other things now.  And if Tiny Boy would agree to sleeping somewhere other than my body, tonight might be better.*



* the result of the latest illness.  Ear tubes still good, but now he's got a sinus infection and cough.  I almost cancelled class yesterday.  But didn't.  Sometimes just showing up is enough.

I Really Am an Administrator

I woke up to 37 email messages that are just sitting there waiting for me.  Gulp.