Ode to 2008

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? Parented a four-year-old.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't make any resolutions last year, though I called it "The Year of P," in honor of the qualities I tried to achieve (peace, patience, presence, purpose). Despite the way this year has ended, I do have to say that I managed to cultivate peace in my life, more than I have since LG was born. I'll do something similar this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? There have been a number of babies born to people I know in the past year but no one incredibly close, no.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No.

5. What countries did you visit? None.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? A book contract. A baby on the way.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? None, really.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I suppose it would be getting through the third year review.

9. What was your biggest failure? Not getting pregnant, though I realize that's an event that I have very little control over and would rather not think of it as "failure."

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Run-of-the-mill colds and allergies and such. Nothing major.

11. What was the best thing you bought? 6 vials of LG's donor, to try for a sibling.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My mother's, for dealing with all the nonsense with my siblings with grace, patience, and gentleness.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My sister's.

14. Where did most of your money go? Mortgage, daycare, fertility treatment.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Thinking I might be pregnant.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? Hmmm. Well, I suppose it would be LG singing a song that includes the lyrics "the last time I freaked out" by Miley Cirus (courtesy of her preschool). My own song of the year was Sara Bareilles "Love Song."

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer? happier, the same (or slightly thinner), the same (or slightly richer, due to a hefty raise at the end of the year and LG's daycare cost finally going down)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Yoga.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? I think I made pretty good use of my time, actually.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent Christmas on a train and then making phone calls to try to track down my lost laptop.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? Nope.

22. How many one-night stands? None. Though I did have a short-lived flirtation that probably could have ended in a one-night stand had I chosen to pursue it.

23. What was your favorite TV program? Bones.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? My sister's fiance.

25. What was the best book you read? The best poetry: Billy Collins' Selected Poems. The best nonfiction: Michael Pollan's Omnivore's Dilemma. The best novel that I didn't read for class: Jhumpa Lahiri's The Namesake. I think.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Still listening to the same stuff, mostly.

27. What did you want and get? A stellar third year review and raise.

28. What did you want and not get? Pregnant.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? The only films I saw in a theater were Sex and the City and The X-Files: I Want to Believe. I'm sure I saw better films via Netflix, though nothing comes to mind.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 36 Thanksgiving weekend. My mom, my sister, LG and I went out for dinner. LG gave me a brown sweater and chocolate cake. It was nice, I suppose, but after going through a miscarriage on my thirtieth birthday, I have really low expectations.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Getting pregnant. Getting a book contract. (Could I say that again?)

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? College professor meets yuppie Gap mom. (Which is to say, not any different than it has been for the past four years or so. But since I didn't succeed in getting knocked up, I will be purchasing new black pants and/or a black suit, as well as some new black boots. Buying new clothes has been on hold for far too long.)

33. What kept you sane? LG. Yoga. My mom. Chats with Best Professor Friend.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Barack Obama. Duh.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? Umm, the election?

36. Who did you miss? My friends from out of town.

37. Who was the best new person you met? Honestly, some new students.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. Slow down.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. I'll fill this in if I think of one later.

Oh, the drama...

I will probably do the New Year's Meme, as seen at Crazy's and Profgrrrl's, later, as a way of thinking through the year. Right now I'm still trying to process the week, which has involved much phone-calling and visits with family.

The short version:

• I managed to lose my laptop (yes, my laptop!!) somewhere in the process of getting off the train LG and I took to visit my mom. I am not a person who loses things, not gloves, not keys, not scraps of paper with phone numbers. Seriously. If I lose a coffee cup, it means I'm completely stressed out and scattered. All I can figure is (a) I was distracted by the kid (like, 10 years old) who kept trying to take my suitcase from me while I was getting LG off the train and left the laptop at my seat or (b) I left it on the platform after I fell getting off the train. (Seriously, Dear Amtrak workers, instead of telling people "be careful," it might be helpful to, I don't know, take the hand of the four-year-old getting off the train with her mother who is lugging a forty pound suitcase, a backpack, and a carseat.) I was so disoriented from the fall and navigating LG through the station that I didn't realize the computer was missing until we were already in the car on the way home. The silver linings in this event are (1) working over vacation was taken away as an option and (b) the laptop probably should have been replaced shortly anyway (it's already 5 years old), but I wouldn't have done it until the situation became dire. The negative consequences of this loss are too obvious to mention, and I'm in a huge state of denial about work that can never be recovered (all my completed/in the mail manuscripts are in hardcopy, my thumb drive, or email; but messy book chapters, bits of essays, and a novel I started last spring, oh, probably not...)
• My brother is going through a major situation involving the likely hospitalization of his father for mental illness.
• My sister. Oh, my sister. Let's just say that among her many problems she's engaged to a man considerably less charming than Nabokov's Humbert Humbert (but, perhaps that's not a fair comparison, as Lolita is one of my favorite novels).

We're heading home tomorrow afternoon. On Friday, LG will go to school and I will purchase a new computer, next Monday I will go for a consult and sonohystogram at Dr. Gorgeous's office, and then I will need to get ready for spring semester in a serious way.

The Last TTC Post For a While

I took another test this morning. I decided 13dpo is reliable enough to be sure that I won't get a false negative, but if I happened to be pregnant, I wanted to get in a beta today and repeat on Wed, before I leave town. There was a point last week, in that 7-10dpo range, when I truly thought it might be possible. But by now even the most curious symptoms--high temperature [I'm usually lucky if I hit 97!] and breast tenderness [only happens when progesterone hits 40+]--are gone. Not surprisingly, there was a big fat "not pregnant" on the digital readout this morning.

I tried to make peace with this possibility last night, writing a list of all the things I'll do in the next few months if I didn't conceive. Painting around the house, buying some new winter clothes, and, mostly, focusing on work and LG.

Although I won't try again until March* I have various ttc projects to do, courtesy of the new doctor whom my dearest friend L. helped me name Dr. Gorgeous. Beyond being, well, stunning, Dr. Gorgeous fits my gentle and aggressive criteria. She's doing a sonohysterogram. She's retesting me for autoimmune issues and hormonal imbalance. She's taking me off Clomid and putting me on Femara [if anyone has been on both drugs, I'd love to hear your experiences]. I was at her office for a good two hours last week, talking to her, being examined, getting blood drawn [they took so much they needed to use both arms!!]. Most importantly, she listened. I'm looking forward to seeing her again in the New Year, when we go over my test results and establish my protocol.


* Mostly due to scheduling potential maternity leave. I can't quite imagine how my department would handle it if I needed to take parts of two semesters off if I gave birth in Oct/Nov. And I also don't want to be in a position where I get less than 12 weeks off, which would likely happen in that situation. The other issue is the clinic is about 45 minutes away--in perfectly good weather--and scheduling appointments in the morning before classes will get dicey, particularly with the arrival of winter. Perhaps not coincidentally, December, January, and February were the months I skipped following my D&C as well.

snow day

(LG typed the title!)

School's closed. On the agenda: shoveling, making snow angels, hot chocolate. Perhaps another batch of fudge (alas, no eggs for cookies).

*

It's the anniversary of my miscarriage, I've been awake since 3:30, and I got a negative HPT result (it's only 10dpo, but still....) All things considered, I'm doing quite well.

*

Update on the visit to new RE later today. Now, it's time to see if we can open our front door...

The TTC Rollercoaster

I am trying not to read anything into these facts. However:

• My mid-luteal progesterone level came back at a whopping 48, which is significantly higher than it was the last time [that I was on this dose of Prometrium]. That could easily account for my symptoms (headache, overwhelming fatigue, and breast tenderness). I know that progesterone level varies over the course of the day, and I also know that I've had an obscenely high level in the past and and not been pregnant, and, in fact, the cycle I conceived LG my level was the lowest it ever was on supplements. But...but...but...
• Things are starting to taste/smell weird. Like, this morning the green tea smelled just awful next to the cashew nuts and I had to drink something else. And at dinner I had to throw out perfectly respectable leftovers from Chinese takeout because they smelled so awful. In retrospect, this was my first "pregnancy symptom" I had both pregnancies starting at 8-9 dpo.

Tomorrow, I see the new RE. Still haven't decided if I'll test on Friday or wait out the weekend. I'm sort of hoping the doctor will take care of that, as she's bound to do blood work on me anyway...

On the Anniversary of Loss

It's a strange week. On Friday it will be the six-year anniversary of my D&C, which is the date I've chosen to commemorate the loss of my first child. I first learned the pregnancy wasn't viable at 6.5 weeks, when only a gestational sac, not an embryo, was visible on the sonogram. But the body can be cruel, and my beta hcg level continued to rise--regularly, I might add--until I was well into the first trimester. I was pregnant. And I wasn't. And while I lived in that in-between space, I taught my classes, shutting my office door in the afternoons so I could cry. Finally I turned in my grades and had a D&C on December 19, 2002. I was in the last week of my first trimester. I started lactating after the procedure.

It was an awful winter, to put it mildly.

What made it tolerable, beyond the routine of going to class and seeing my friends on occasion, was thinking about trying again, and the support of Wonderful Former RE (WFRE). She called me at home on Christmas Eve to see how I was doing.

We came up with a battle plan for trying again on Valentine's Day, as I sat in her office biting my fingernails into my palms so I didn't cry. The new plan involved shots, lots and lots of shots. Big IM shots of Repronex and little sub-Q shots of heparin. When I told her I was scared she told me that I was bold--choosing to become a single mom in my twenties--and that *this* (the miscarriage, the fertility treatment) was the easy stuff. It certainly didn't feel like it at the time.

She made it possible for me to go beyond what I thought I could handle. And I have an almost-five year old daughter because of her.

I'm writing this now--and not on Friday--because I don't know how I will feel then, if I will be able to put down the words. On both the first anniversary of my due date and the first anniversary of my loss, I was pregnant with LG. I was more scared of losing her than I was of anything else; in many ways I felt more bonded with the child I lost than the one growing in my belly. And in the few years that followed, I didn't think much about the baby I lost, though the dates October 26, December 19, and July 7 are forever seared in my mind.

But now, now, 7 days into my 4th ttc cycle for Baby #2, I think about the baby I lost (my son) a lot. There's a part of me that thinks I'll take an HPT on Friday--10 dpo--so if I am pregnant I will have another association with December 19. And then there's that other part, the one that knows if I'm not pregnant, just how devastating December 19 will be, regardless of the antics LG throws my way.

It's with that year in mind that I'm going to see a new RE on Thursday. Because I can't do this without someone as gentle and aggressive as WFRE at my side. What scares me more than anything is that *this* cycle--my last with Dr. Evil--results in another miscarriage. I can handle being a single mom, but I can't handle another pregnancy loss alone.

All Done!

Well, I managed to pull myself out of my progesterone-induced fog just enough to calculate final grades for my courses and submit them. So Fall 2008 is officially complete!

Of course, that means Spring 2009 awaits my attention. Oh, the photocopies...

I'm too tired to come up with a title. Seriously.

I sat down this morning with the best intentions to write. I promptly churned out a 1-page short story that has actual potential. And now, ugh, I'm zonked. Completely annihilated. Like, I slept a good 9 hours last night and could have easily slept more if LG hadn't climbed into my bed, cheerily announcing, "Mommy, the clock says 7-0-7," and putting her cold feet under my ribcage. Fucking progesterone. I don't remember feeling this tired the last time I was on this (lower) dose.

I have an R&R that needs to be dealt with sometime in the next few weeks. I have final grades that need to be calculated (yes, I still keep a paper grade book). I have a list of dreaded phone calls to make. And, quite possibly, there is a small human-being-in-progress setting up shop in my uterus. Can't I just go back to bed?

Adventures in Gynecology, Part II

My annual exam today (you know, because going to the ob/gyn's office two times in one week isn't enough...gotta get in that third appointment). The physician's assistant, who has done two of my IUIs, did the exam. She's all chatty and we're going over my chart and she says, "so it says here you live with your husband and child." Um, no. I'm not married. I live with my four year old, a cat, and a fish. "Oh, have you ever been married?" Nope. "But you're heterosexual?"

Oy.

Have I mentioned I need a new doctor?

Adventures in Gynecology (or why male doctors creep me out)

On Tuesday, I was inseminated by a doctor in a purple suit coat. He walked into the room, with the nurse behind him, gleefully proclaiming, "Let's make a baby!" (a cheery sing-song voice, not a creepy rapist voice). Needless to say, the mood was all wrong.

It goes without saying that I'm a single mother by CHOICE because I have issues with men (that, I suppose, is another post entirely). My love life aside, I have studiously avoided male doctors. When I was looking for an RE back in 2002, I only considered female doctors; I tried very hard to ignore the fact that male interns did the ultrasounds at WFRE's practice. The ob/gyn who delivered LG was, of course, a woman. I chose her because she came on the recommendation of WFRE. When I moved to New Town, I chose an ob/gyn (female) because she had done her residency at one of the hospitals affiliated with the office of WFRE (how we both ended up in New Town is a marvelous coincidence). When new ob/gyn left (to go back to Former State) the same month I decided I wanted to try for Baby #2, she set up an appointment for me with my current RE, whom I have taken to calling Dr. Evil. And while Dr. Evil's evilness is not because of his gender, I suspect that my distrust of him stems in part from the fact that he's not a woman. He has never been pregnant. He has never had a pelvic exam performed on his body. He has never covered himself in a pink sheet and had someone root around in his body, feeling his uterus, his ovaries, his cervix. But Dr. Evil is not a practicing gynecologist, to the best of my knowledge. He does mostly research and administration, and sees fertility patients like me only a few hours a week. Other than our initial consult, his hands haven't gone anywhere near my body. That's one of his few redeeming qualities.

But IUIs are done here not by nurses (what I'm used to) but by doctors. At Dr. Evil's practice, there is one male ob/gyn, whom I will now refer to as Dr. Purple, and a female physician's assistant (whom I like very much). Dr. Purple was the only one available when I needed my IUI on Tues. Now, while Dr. Purple is very nice and has good "bedside manner"--I like him much better than Dr. Evil, all things considered--I was not prepared for Dr. Purple putting his hands on me, in me, around me, as one must do during an IUI. And I *really* wasn't prepared for how chipper he was, how verbally intimate. I wanted five more of those pink sheets. He did nothing wrong. In fact, it was the smoothest IUI I've ever had (no cramping, no spotting, nada). Still, I felt exposed. Violated.

What scares me more than anything is that I get pregnant and miscarry and need to consider the possibility of Dr. Evil or Dr. Purple performing a D&C. That was awful enough, even with WFRE--whom I trust more than any doctor I've ever seen--doing the procedure. It's good that I'm switching to a new doctor. Gender isn't the major factor going into my decision to leave--I couldn't work with Dr. Evil even if he was a woman--but once again I've only considered female REs as possible candidates for New RE.

I know I'm being sexist here. I teach gender studies! But I really can't get past the gender divide when it comes to my ovaries.

All is Calm

It's so calm in my uterus it's hard to imagine anything remotely interesting is happening in there. I'm now officially 24 hrs post-IUI. Beginning progesterone supplementation tomorrow.

*

I have a post brewing about male obstetricians/REs. More on that later.

Anti-Procrastination Tuesday

It's Anti-Procrastination Tuesday! Hooray!

Anti-Procrastination Tuesday arose as a way for me to deal with To Do lists that have gotten out of control. It involves doing tasks I loathe--like making phone calls--and therefore postpone until it is almost too late. It falls on a Tuesday because, historically, that has been a day free of teaching, meetings, and regularly scheduled events.

Accomplished today:

• Wrote a draft of a short essay for a collection (4 pages) [technically, this is Real Work, but I've been such a slacker about my own writing that I want to put it down here].
• Wrote a letter of rec for a student applying to grad school.
• Called the office of WFRE to figure out how to send medical records from 2002-2003, Apparently this involves fetching them from "long term storage" at a "remote facility." Last time I requested medical records, it took about six weeks. Do you think there's a chance my new RE will get them by next week?
• Called petsitter to arrange for vacation petsitting.
• Wrote way too many emails to students and colleagues about spring semester matters, including conference travel, student organization, honors theses, grad school apps, and more.
• Filled out my flex spending reimbursement form to deal with childcare expenses (you'd think money would motivate me to do this sooner, but I guess I hate bureaucracy more).

What remains on my Still Procrastating About List:

• Calling a plumber to deal with leak under kitchen sink.
• Making hotel reservations for spring conference.

Now I am taking a quick shower and heading out the door for IUI #3 [take 2].

Another Bit of Good News

I found out one of my book manuscripts is a semi-finalist for a national competition. What's great is that usually I only find out such things at the same time I learn that the manuscript didn't *win* the competition. Now, I get to dwell on the possibility of publication, prestige, and money! In a field where it's nearly impossible to get published, I'll take whatever ego strokes I can get...

Pregnancy and/in Academe

I'm 6-hours post-HCG shot and feeling the haze I only associate with early pregnancy. I'm trying to write a letter of recommendation for a student, and I am struggling for the words, like driving down unfamiliar roads in a fog. I'm having a taste of what my life will be like next semester, assuming this cycle works. One can hope.

Timing and TTC

I've been panicked this weekend that I'd surge early (again). I'm feeling all estrogen-y and wound up. When I emailed her, WFRE was surprised and a bit concerned about the early surge (she didn't say this outright, but she seemed to indicate peri-menopause as a possible factor). But it's cd 9--last clomid dose in half an hour--and NO SURGE. I go in for a follicle study at 9:00 and (hopefully) will trigger tonight for Wed. morning IUI. That Ovidrel has been waiting so patiently in my fridge...

Updated to add: Mature follicle at 20 mm [on the right!!!!], lining over 1 cm (is it possible it was actually 1.3?), an almost-surge on the OPK. Just triggered for IUI tomorrow afternoon. Timing couldn't be much better (I'd be scared to wait until Wed am).

What next?

I taught my last class of the semester yesterday. I give both my exams next Wednesday, and plan to be done with grading on Friday. In between now and then, I have a dentist appointment (rescheduled), a chiropractor appointment, two or three trips to the ob/gyn, a lunch date with friends, and various and sundry life stuff not worth mentioning. So the question is: how to spend my other pockets of time? I need to finalize syllabi, write two letters of rec, and--what else? I'm having trouble figuring out the next step, as far as my own writing goes. I don't want to start something big, only to have it interrupted with the grading and nonsense of the end of the semester. But I need to do something more than organize my desk and pay bills and take care of the life stuff. I'm just not sure what that is...

Weepy

I'm not sure if it's being sick, or turning 36, or the end of the semester, or this whole ttc rollercoaster, but I'm weepy today. Like, I almost started crying when the nurse asked me if I wanted to try Clomid again this cycle. This is how I get when I've given up, feeling like this cycle is doomed to fail no matter what I do, which is, ironically, how I felt both times I've conceived. I'm trying to be okay with moving on, with seeing a new doctor in a couple weeks; I'm trying to remind myself that I've *really* only done two cycles, since the cancelling of the last one had nothing to do with my body and everything to do with my RE. And yet, it's been a very long four months (and five cycles) since I sat down with my ob/gyn and decided to pursue having a second child. Reading around in the Infertility Blogosphere isn't helping--it just reminds me of everything that can go wrong and how hard this process can be (and I know I'm not there yet, not really, not this time, anyway).

It's the six-year anniversary of my miscarriage. Yesterday, today, every day from November 19 to December 19, when WFRE finally opened me on the table. I thought about it a lot that first year, when I was pregnant with LG and desperately afraid of that noose around my neck "high risk pregnancy." But not so much since. And now, trying again, I'm back in that place where I see my body as a site of refusal and loss.

Maybe I'll cancel my day, go rent The X-Files: I Want to Believe, and wallow.

What to do after falling asleep at 7:45?

Well, LG finally conked out around 7:20, after I told her I couldn't sit in the rocker in her bedroom anymore. And then the Benadryl got to me and I fell asleep before 8:00, which I have not done since I was pregnant with LG. I just woke up, took some more cold medicine, put a few dishes in the sink, fed the cat, and turned off the lights downstairs (somehow, every single one was still turned on). And now...I guess I'm waiting for the medicine to knock me out again so I can go back to bed.

Tomorrow I have an appointment for a baseline ultrasound, and LG and I are supposed to go to the dentist. I think I'm cancelling my half of that appointment, as I can't breathe well enough to have someone poking around in my mouth for half an hour. And at some point I assume I'll do some actual work, though I'm between projects and not quite sure what that should be.

When Being A Single Mom Sucks

When you're sick and need to pick up the kid from daycare and go home and make dinner, read stories, and put her to bed. Nights like these I'd like to have a live-in nanny. This is my third cold in about four weeks. I'm ready to move on to something else.

Random Bullets of Thanksgiving Weekend

• This is the first Thanksgiving I haven't gone home since I moved out of my house. I usually spend the day after Thanksgiving with my best friend, L. This, in effect, winds up being a birthday celebration. Thank you, L, for the unexpected but much welcome 2-hour chat on Saturday!
• LG "bought" me a chocolate-colored sweater for my birthday. It is the softest thing I have ever owned. And the color is oddly flattering on me. I would consider buying many more in other colors, except I'd rather assume I'll be wearing maternity clothes in a few months.
• For once, my period showed up with perfect timing [after five days of spotting!]. Although I wished to take a pregnancy test today, it feels good to move on to cycle #4.
• Because LG has food allergies, we had to have a "safe" (and therefore tasteless) chocolate cake on my birthday. At least my mother baked it this year, instead of me. My treat to myself will be a piece of fancy cake from a local bakery sometime this week.
• This is the first Thanksgiving dinner I cooked in my own home. It turned out great! (Except I forgot to put out the cranberry sauce that I made *from scratch*! And I neglected to make gravy [which my family never has, so that's not much of an oversight]) The best recipe [as in the best thing I have ever cooked!] was the pear crisp. Yum-O. I will be eating leftovers for breakfast all this week (I mean, it's just really sweet oatmeal with fruit, right?)
• Visit with family was quite enjoyable, despite the fact that we were all sick (colds) and sleep deprived.
• LG and I went sledding today on her new saucer. Then I chased her around the park and we had a snowball fight, at her request.

Now, alas, it's back to the stack of papers and the Sunday ritual of the making of the lunches.

Things I Am Thankful For

1. My daughter.
2. WFRE and her staff, who helped me conceive my daughter.
3. The rest of my family, especially my mom.
4. Blogs and internet support groups.
5. My fabulous friends.
6. A group of stellar students who shall remain nameless and more than make up for their irresponsible, plagiarizing counterparts.
7. The independent video store in town.
8. Having the power to cancel class the day before Thanksgiving.
9. Using the day before Thanksgiving to clean, watch a movie, and putz around the house while LG is at school.
10. Being physically unable to take a HPT on my 36th birthday.
11. The nurse at the fertility clinic for giving me free Ovidrel.
12. Dark chocolate truffles. They will be lucky to survive until Thanksgiving.
13. The locally grown, soy-free turkey that is defrosting in the fridge.
14. The public library for free music, recipes, and much more.
15. The change in administration in my department.
16. The imminent change in administration in this country.
17. Freedom of speech.
18. Decaf chai.
19. Speedy blood test results.
20. Not needing to spend Thanksgiving with my brother's in-laws.
21. Hanna Anderssen pajamas. Seriously.
22. Chlorine-free tampons and sanitary pads.
23. Having a job that more than pays the bills.
24. Having a job that grants substantial discretionary time.
25. TV shows on DVD.
26. The Vagina Monologues.
27. Decent health insurance.
28. A glass of pinot noir (and migraine meds).
29. Egyptian cotton sheets.
30. Lavender bubble bath.
31. Good babysitters.
32. Band-Aids.
33. Chet Baker on CD.
34. Hazelnut coffee (even if I'm largely off the juice right now).
35. My house.
36. My grandparents, whose generosity made many of these good things possible.

In case you were wondering: I turn 36 on Saturday.

And the winning number is...

11.4

Which means I ovulated when I thought I did.

At least I know with absolute certainty that I'm on the downslide to cycle #4. Now I'm hoping for cd 1 on Sat or Sun, so I can get in a baseline sono.

Being Proactive

One of my least attractive qualities (in my estimation) is my tendency to over-think and under-act. When it comes to life altering decisions, I can hem and haw and get stuck in a quagmire of thought (to wit, I spent two years debating the whether-or-not-to-have-another-child question, before finally committing.) On the flipside, one of my more attractive qualities (in my estimation) is my ability to be proactive, once a decision has been reached. I do not sit around waiting for life to happen to me; I make my life happen. (FWIW, this is the exact opposite of how my sister goes about things; her life--from clinical depression to major car accident to dating the asshole of the week--could easily shape the plot of one or several Lifetime movies).

• As an undergraduate, I was "supposed" to get help on a piece of writing. The person I was working with did not have time (soon enough anyway, according to my own predetermined time table). I figured out how to do it on my own. I won an award for doing so. And three years down the road I won the biggest award possible in this particular field.
• During my last year in grad school, I decided I wanted to have a kid. I did not have a partner who was interested in having a kid with me. I considered all the men in my life as "known donors." I researched sperm banks. I called up a respected reproductive endocrinologist. I now have a beautiful, smart, sassy daughter who will turn five in a few months.
• My current RE is, as I've suggested in various posts, incredibly difficult to work with. My current cycle was just cancelled. The nurse had the audacity to suggest my next cycle might also be cancelled due to "starting" over the Thanksgiving holiday, when a baseline ultrasound couldn't be scheduled. I told her what I wanted to do, in no uncertain terms. And then I called a new RE, whom I will be seeing mid-December. And you know what, I feel a lot better.

Now I'm going to knock a few more small annoying things off my To Do list. It's Anti-Procrastination Tuesday!

It's Over

My RE finally decided to cancel my cycle. It's cd 17, and the largest follicle is only 16 mm. I am, however, having my progesterone level tested on Wednesday.

**

I only hope I'm right and my next cycle starts very soon. If not, December will also be a no go.

Things That Make Me Happy (weekend edition)

1. Whole Foods. It is the absolute best place in the whole world, besides, perhaps, my own house.
2. Cherry pie from Whole Foods (so much for not eating wheat).
3. Eating a hot dog with my kid for lunch.
4. Putting on dress up clothes, including a homemade bug hat and red lipstick, and dancing to 80s tunes with my kid.
5. Reading the new Toni Morrison novel when the kid falls asleep by 6:30 on Friday night.
6. (Did we go anywhere on Saturday? Did we stay in our pajamas all morning?)
7. Playing cards and "Chutes and Ladders" with my kid.
8. Talking about the human body with my kid. What's a uterus? she wants to know. That baby looks squished in there! It's all folded up.
9. Not doing anything related to work both Friday and Saturday night.

Now it is time to gear up for the week. Papers to grade. Lunches to make. Get ready for another freaking sonogram at 8:45 am.

Oh, my ovaries

Today, cd 13, a dominant follicle at 10-11 mm, which is at least slightly bigger than it was three days ago, but not the ~6mm bigger that one would expect. My lining is up to 13 mm, which is great, assuming I haven't already ovulated. So, another ultrasound on Monday (cd 17), for what might be the wonkiest cycle ever. And either I will have an IUI on Wed or not. I'm not feeling much of anything about it at this point, just gearing myself up for December.

Is anyone reading this?

Here's a question for the internets: how much time/effort do you put into catching plagiarists?

A Change of Scenery

It's a "heavy" nonteaching day, as far as these things go. I need to finish grading the papers (that whole plan stalled out over the weekend, as I sat obsessing about the goings on in my ovaries). I need to get this article finished (well, I *could* send it off next week, but I'd rather have it off my plate this week, which means today, as I need to write a student letter of rec on Thursday). And I need to finish rereading the memoir I'm teaching (or, at the very least, go through it and jot down passages I want to discuss). And part of my afternoon will be taken up with a trip to my neurologist (yeah, it's one of those weeks when I'm seeing a neurologist, a reproductive endocrinologist [his nurses, at least, times two], and the chiropractor).

But after not sleeping Saturday and Sunday and taking heavy-hitting migraine meds last night, I'm zonked. So I decided to move my home office to Panera, where I might make use of their WiFi (instead of crappy university dial-up, which I have because it is FREE), drink coffee with actual caffeine, and work on this article. It's sunny, despite the snow. There are other people drinking coffee and scratching their heads, looking at books. Sometimes it's nice not to feel so alone.

**

And as for the goings on in my ovaries: my ultrasound yesterday showed *nothing*. Absolutely no change from my baseline sonogram. The doctor is certain I had a false positive on the OPK, bringing me in for monitoring on Thursday. I'm certain he's wrong. All is too quiet on the ovarian front. I guess we'll see who's right in a few days.

**

Update from Panera: The revisions to the body of the essay are completely finished. All parenthetical documentation has been shifted (annoyingly) to endnotes. Works cited has been eliminated and integrated into endnotes. Now I just need to make sure all the end notes are actually in Chicago style, as opposed to some weird MLA-Chicago hybrid.

It's too cold to sit here comfortably any longer. So I'll head home, grade some papers, work on the essay, grade some papers, go to the neurologist, grade some papers, etc.

A Real Post About TTC

(if you're not interested in all things infertility, this would be one to skip:)

Here are the facts: I am cd 8. I took Clomid cd 3-7 (my doctor wanted me on it 5-9, but I've been on it 3-7 before, and that's a much more typical protocol for short-cycled gals like me). Now, back at Wonderful Former Fertility Clinic (WFFC), I would have gone in today for ultrasound monitoring, at which point the med students would have conferred with my doctor and made a decision about (a) when to come in again for additional monitoring or (b) when to do the trigger shot and schedule the IUI. I had many many many Saturday morning ultrasounds and Monday or Tuesday IUIs.

Current Clinic, however, is closed both Saturday and Sunday, which creates numerous logistical difficulties, most notably in the scheduling of IUI. But they also prefer to do only one ultrasound to check for follicular development, the day before or the day of a likely trigger shot. In my case, this has been cd 10, so I am scheduled to go in on Monday. I thought it might be a good idea to ask if I could go in yesterday (cd 7) as well but ultimately decided against it. Turns out, it would have been really useful info.

I surged this morning. Now, I know that clomid can cause a false positive lh surge on an OPK. I also know that I never, ever tested cd 8 for this very reason at WFFC. I never tested until *after* I'd gone in for monitoring and then I tested only to see if I surged prior to trigger shot. I also know that I did indeed surge on two occasions (one of which was the cycle I conceived my kid) more than a day prior to a scheduled trigger shot. So here are my options at this point:

(a) assume it was a real surge, take my trigger shot, and have my IUI when I'm scheduled to go in for monitoring Monday morning

(b) assume that because it's only cd 8 and because there was no monstrously large follicle at my baseline sono on cd 3 that it's a "fake" Clomid surge and wait it out

The first plan risks triggering an underdeveloped follicle, the second plan risks mis-timing the IUI. I suppose (c) would be to go ahead with monitoring on Monday, also request an lh blood test and determine at that point whether to trigger or not and whether to have an IUI Mon, Tues, or even Wed. I wish I knew what things looked like in there. My ovaries feel like they're going to explode.

Needless to say, this is a moment when working with a real fertility clinic would be mighty nice.

Updated to add: Well, yesterday I managed to convince myself that it must be a false positive. Much info on many websites would suggest as much. But I woke up in the middle of the night--and insomnia is a major impending ovulatory sign for me--and started thinking. I used a *trigger shot* as early as cd 8 on Clomid. Now granted, that was coupled with sonographic evidence of a follicle at 19.5 mm, but what it does say is that my body can be ready to ovulate sooner than five days post-Clomid. This morning, a second positive on the OPK (and I'm not talking faint lines here, this is clear as day), and I know for a fact that I have tested (negative) on cd 9, which makes this surge all the more likely to be genuine. I don't want to waste a vial (not to mention the cost of the IUI), but I think I'll be kicking myself if I don't have an IUI tomorrow morning. Then, possible IUI on Tues, after a trigger shot, if the doctor seems to think that's a good idea. Happy birthday to me.

Another update: I tested again, and I'm not surging. Which either means the real deal is over, or I'm gearing up for the real thing. I guess we'll make that call tomorrow at the sono. In other news, I'm having serious abdominal discomfort/swelling, which has me vaguely thinking about Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. No ovulation "ping," yet, just a weird feeling like there's too much in my lower abdomen.

Plagiarism Sucks

Half a page in to a student essay I read one of those phrases that just smacks of Spark Notes. It took about 30 seconds to confirm that the paper is, indeed, lifted from Spark Notes. But in reviewing Spark Notes, I found phrases that I'd read in a different student's paper earlier today. Now I need to decide how much effort I want to put into tracking down plagiarists. I have two more suspected cases (writing on a different text).

Plagiarism just sucks.

The Good and the Bad

• I believe that I have finished making all substantive changes to the essay due next week. Now I just need to convert from MLA to Chicago style, which will be annoying but will not involve much brain power.
• I did not get a grant that I wanted to use to finance maternity leave (coupled with what I have from FMLA). That means after this cycle, ttc efforts will be on hold until at least late March, so I could shoot for taking leave spring 2010.
• I seem to be responding favorably to Clomid. Saying any more than that would be TMI, even for me.
• LG and I have many choices for free weekend activities on campus and in town. That's always fun! We also need to bake cupcakes, since her school stash is out (LG has food allergies and keeps "safe" treats at school, for the annoying occasions when kids bring treats for birthdays unannounced).
• Though I am usually very "colleagial" as these things go, I decided I am not going to a department sponsored event this afternoon. Sending out manuscripts is more of a priority. Sorry.
• I am still waiting for something remarkable to happen. I am not good at waiting.

In the Middle

The middle of the day, the middle of the week. Almost the middle of the month.

~

The middle of the stack of papers. (Well, 1/3 done, 2/3 to go, to be accurate.)

~

The middle of my five days of Clomid.

~

Approaching winter break: the middle of the school year.

~

I want the end of the semester. And the beginning of the first trimester. I can hope, right?

Lack of Focus

I told myself that I'd get a lot done this week, the post-period, pre-progesterone week. I have a deadline to meet by next week (that article revision). I have a stack of papers to grade (if I do 6/day, I can get them back to students in a 2-week window).

But I find myself sitting here, with a stack of books on the desk and open windows on my computer screen, full of stuff to *read* (for the article, but still), and I'm having trouble putting words on paper. Commiting to them.

My ovaries--on Clomid--are all a-tingle.

How do I proceed?

Do I sit here, pecking out some words? Do I go to the library and fetch more books (for the article, but still)? Do I go get a much-needed haircut? Do I rake my yard?

I'm too scattered to sit here. I'll be back later.

Updated to add: Well, I went to the library, only to learn it was closed (Veterans' Day). So I picked up LG's prescription, got my hair cut, raked the yard. Made a phone call related to the Baby Plan. Graded papers at a cafe in the afternoon. LG is now down for the night (7:15 pm); I'll grade some more, watch House, make lunches, return a phone call, take my nightly dose of Clomid, and get to bed. Not the most productive of days, but I am making headway on the paper grading extravaganza.

I'm ready for the semester to be over, aren't you?

It's 7:00 pm on a Saturday night

My kid is asleep. I'm going downstairs to eat leftover chicken tikka masala. Then I will shower, change my sheets, and climb into bed with the laptop and a DVD. I'm sick. I'm mildly crabby. And it would not be doing my students a service to grade their papers in this condition. No, that wouldn't be nice to them at all.

Weekend Miscellany

1. (Where have the bullets gone and how do I get them back?)

2. My allergy attack has morphed into a legitimate cold.

3. My period finally started, which means I can treat the above cold/cough, as well as the migraine that's been coming and going for a few days. I mean, I *was* treating them, but not with adequate resources, since those are known to cause birth defects.

4. The next time I see my neurologist, I will need to ask for heavy-hitting headache meds that are safe during ttc/pregnancy, because Thursday night was radically un-fun.

5. LG and I have a relaxing weekend planned, ostensibly including a trip to the salon for haircuts, Target for miscellaneous drugs and paper products, the library for books and children's DVD, and an afternoon of baking treats to freeze.

6. I have a stack of papers to grade. I have not yet figured out when I am going to grade them.

7. I am showing a film in one of my classes next week, which means there is no need for class prep this weekend!

It's a Good Day

I'm 95% sure that I'm not pregnant, as I had a "negative" beta yesterday at 13dpo. But I feel fabulous. I'm not sure if it's the outcome of the election, or the progesterone still coursing through my body, but I'm happy and hopeful. (Without any cramping, spotting, or other signs of impending PMS.) Almost hopeful enough that I might be one of those handful of women who have betas of <5 at 13, 14, or 15dpo and go on to have successful pregnancies. Isn't anything possible today?

In Lieu of InaDWriMo

I have decided to post here--in general terms--about progress made on my November projects. Before Thanksgiving, I need to do revisions on an essay accepted for publication: these include adding a section of new material, developing an underdeveloped section, and converting notes and bib from MLA to Chicago (which, while not intellectually challenging, will nevertheless prove time consuming). I also expect myself to produce ~4 new poems. Doing any more than that is highly unlikely, given the usual end-of-semester crunch, extra committee nonsense, and mitigating personal factors discussed in the last post. Still, I'd like to hold myself accountable and feel like I'm making quantitative progress.

My other November "project," which I might also report about, is getting back on my diet (wheat/dairy/soy free). Over the past month, under the influence of progesterone, I've found myself craving wheat and dairy (pretzels, milk chocolate, pizza). The result is gaining 3-4 pounds (not a bad thing in itself, as I recently lost weight and am already at the low end of a healthy range), headaches, and abdominal issues of all kinds. That is to say, I feel like crap, which doesn't help deal with The Psychology of November. So, back to the diet.

And now, having rambled [and voted!], I need to get on with the day's work.

**

Updated to add: Two hours later, I have reread the essay, made marginal notes about necessary changes, written roughly a page of new material, ordered books via ILL that I need to consult to make additional revisions, and consulted the website for the author I am writing about (this is functioning for me as a primary text). I also took a stab at writing the introduction for the collection of poems (again, roughly a page of new material) and made notes about several possible new poems. Not bad for a morning's work!

In the meantime, I received a notice from the library that I have overdue books, which I am taking as a cosmic sign that I should go to the library and exchange the overdue books for some shiny new ones that will assist me on the poetry project. And as I need to go to campus to meet with students, a trip to the library is really not a bad idea...

InaDWriMo

I decided to jump on the InaDWriMo bandwagon. I even figured out how to add the meter to the sidebar of the blog (I'm html-challenged). And then I started thinking about my goal and what my November looks like, which is either early pregnancy or the ups and downs of another ttc cycle, which happens to coincide with Thanksgiving, my birthday, and the anniversary of my miscarriage, and I think I've now come to the conclusion that I'm dropping out of InaDWriMo before I even started.

I have a major deadline at the end of the month (revisions to an article), I write as steadily as I currently can anyway, and I know that for me November is the worst month to do a major writing project. I usually knock out a whole bunch of stuff in December and January. But, November? Well, that's historically the month of the breakdowns...

Rejection and the 2ww

I'm in a funk. A the-kid-is-asleep-and-I-need-to-think-about-life funk. I got a rejection letter for the poetry yesterday. And while no single rejection letter ever puts me in a funk, the cumulative effect of a series of rejection letters does. (Haven't gotten an acceptance yet this fall.) Couple the rejection with the end of the 2ww--I was stupid enough to take a HPT today (10dpo)--and I'm feeling like I'm never going to get anything I want.

I know, I know. Boo hoo, baby. I have a great life. I have a tenure track job I've made peace with. I have a great kid, a loving family, supportive friends. I'm healthy. I'm mostly professionally successful. But. But. But.

The things that I most want right now--a book contract, another child--seem far out of reach. And they are both things that are largely out of my control. I've done my part. I've written, revised, and sent out my manuscripts. I've done everything in my power to make getting pregnant work. And now I wait. For the rejection. For the failure. For starting it all over again next month.

So it doesn't matter that I was sent an official note about joining a campus program that I very much want to be allied with. Doesn't matter that my spring course proposal was accepted without request for revision. That my poetry reading went pretty darn well. That I'm *finally* done writing letters of recommendation (at least for students on the market--need to start the ones for those applying to grad programs shortly). That my kid and I had a really great time last night trick-or-treating and today visiting with friends.

Because all I can see is the single line on the pregnancy test, and the "sorry" scrawled on the form letter. I don't know how much stamina I have to keep trying. And failing.

The Seven Year Itch

My mother likes to talk about how we have a new body every seven years (she's mostly referring to weight gain as women age). But it seems like an apt metaphor for my life more generally. I was in grad school for seven years, and by the beginning of that last year I was stir crazy, watching all my friends get jobs and get married and have babies. I felt like I was stuck. I was done with being a grad student, desperately ready to move on to the next phase of my life (for me, that was getting a tenure track job and trying to have a baby).

I've been out of school now for seven years, and if I'd stayed at my job, I'd be tenured. Because I moved and accepted a new position, I have a few years yet before I'll meet that professional milestone. But I feel it in my body, and I see it on my CV. I am done being an assistant professor. I have multiple book manuscripts looking for publishers. I'm actively trying to have another child. My department chair has already spoken to me about an administrative position after I get promoted. I'm ready, oh so ready, for the next phase of my life to start. I feel like I'm in limbo--a 2ww that will go on indefinitely--just waiting for something to happen. I've done all I can. Now I'm just biding my time...

A Day When All The Roles Converge

• I took LG for her flu shot this morning. She did not even wince! (Last time she got a shot, she needed to be restrained, and then got a large welt at the injection site that required days of Benadryl to clear up.)
• I spent the remainder of the morning figuring out which poems to read at my reading tonight. And then reading them aloud to time (which I will not be doing again, as I would rather not lose my voice before the actual reading).
• On the agenda for the afternoon: getting blood drawn, picking up a few groceries, commenting on student poems (I have not yet determined the order for these activities; lunch must come first). All this requires staying awake, which is hard to do under the influence of progesterone, even at half my usual dose.

Leftovers or take-out for lunch?

A Post about Little Gwinne

So I'm trying to get pregnant, so LG can have a little sister or brother. And it occurred to me the other day that I can't really imagine having a kid other than LG. I mean, she has her issues (she still sucks a pacifier at 4.5, and she can meltdown faster than an ice cream cone on a ninety degree day) but all in all, she's a great kid. She's funny. She's freakishly strong. And smart as a whip (she's used words like redundant and nocturnal since she was three). And I have a feeling whatever little brother or sister comes along won't live up to her standard.

Writing Letters of Recommendation

I'm not sure what I want to say here except (a) writing a letter of recommendation for a kick-ass student is a great pleasure and (b) writing a letter of recommendation for a less-than-stellar student is a pain in the ass. I have written both varieties this week (for grad students who are in the process of applying for jobs). But even the kick-ass student isn't truly ready to be on the market (she's drafted less than half her diss and in all likelihood will not be able to defend by spring, which is what she's claiming in her job letter). And the other three letters I'm working on...well, those are students I have colleagues who refuse to write for. And I don't. Because I'm a female academic. Because I'm a softy. Because I'm untenured and don't want to go against their chairs, who are giving them bad advice (or no advice at all?). The whole process has left me largely frustrated and feeling vaguely like these students have wasted my time because of the futility of the exercise. And then I feel like it's not my job to teach them that lesson--after all, I agreed to write the letters, even as I expressed concern about them not being ready. In a few weeks/months, when they don't get any requests for writing samples or MLA interviews, well, maybe they'll see what I meant.

The Day After

Thanks to an hcg-induced bout of insomnia, combined with the hcg-induced bout of sleepiness, means today is going to be a bust, which is unfortunate as I have a self-imposed deadline of Nov 1 to have a book chapter finished, and that is looming on the horizon. On the agenda:

• somehow producing new words for the chapter (I will be pleased if I hit my minimum daily requirement of 500 words)
• calling various pharmacies to find the new drug the RE put me on (which will no doubt also involve calling my insurance company and the nurse)
• commenting on papers and poems (thankfully, for my seminar class)
• baking something as a thank you to the nurses who have really gone to bat for me this cycle, because it's a known fact that giving nurses gifts results in improved pregnancy rate
• NOT looking up research on the use of baby aspirin in women doing fertility treatment, because all the studies cancel each other out, as does my own personal experience
• catching up on a backlog of professional email
• attending a poetry reading, out of sheer professional courtesy

Can't I just go back to bed?

One of Those Days

You know, the kind where you need to get the kid to school early so she can go on her field trip to the pumpkin patch while you go to the RE's office to have your ovaries examined and then rush back to school in time for your first class, which also happens to involve a field trip of sorts, before going back to the office, peeing on a stick, scarfing down lunch, making a couple handouts and going back to the RE's office for an actual consult (that was supposed to happen over the phone last Tuesday), after which you rush back to the office, where you find a student waiting for the office hours you forgot to cancel, so you chat with her briefly, make another handout in about five minutes, fill your water bottle, and bolt across campus for your last class; then you get home, reheat some meatloaf and give yourself a shot in the abdomen while your four-year-old takes a bath. Yeah, one of those days.

But, happily, I believe I did not surge before I gave myself the trigger shot. IUI #2 scheduled for 8:20 am Wednesday morning. Then the fun really begins...

Now, I am going to make a cup of decaffeinated tea and ignore the stack of papers I need to grade.

This Is Not On My To Do List For Today

Dr. Crazy recently posted about her use of to do lists and productivity. I'm also a compulsive list maker. I have a list as a word doc called "The Big List," in which I record everything imaginable that needs to be done (it's a combo of work stuff, life stuff, and home stuff). I have a list of major deadlines on the wall next to my computer (that's exclusively for work, and largely external deadlines [i.e. when an editor would like revisions of an essay]). Then there's my planner, which features both monthly and weekly calendars, wherein I figure out when to actually work on the various projects of my lists. I sketch it in pencil and then later commit to it in pen. The monthly calendar is a crazy mishmash of deadlines, appointments, and (because I'm trying to get pregnant) references to my menstrual cycle; I color code activities. I also keep a large Post It note in my planner to record tasks that need to be done relatively soon but I haven't actually scheduled (calling my kid's doctor to schedule her flu shot, for example).

What I've learned about myself is that I *always* meet external deadlines, I come close to meeting internal deadlines (i.e. getting a draft of an essay done), and I procrastinate terribly about life matters that involve non-urgent phone calls. I've had "call handyman" on my weekly list since the first week of school. It will probably be another few weeks before I actually make the call.

Today, one of my non-teaching days, my to do list is typical (and minimal). This morning I need to write toward a book chapter (my minimum is 500 new words) and draft a poem. This afternoon, I need to read one of my grad student's chapters to begin to work on her letter of rec. I might or might not make various phone calls (that life stuff) or run errands (probably will save that for tomorrow). I need to meet a grad student in the late afternoon. This evening, it's back to campus for an event.

When I keep my Must Do list short and sweet, it gets done. And it gets done with a minimum of stress, which, for me, is vital. If I get stressed and spazzy I don't get anything done at all. And getting unexpected work dumped on me--from a committee, a student, an editor of a journal, etc--throws me into an absolute tizzy. (That, really, is the subject of another post.)

And now I must stop writing about To Do lists and get to the first task on mine. (This was just a warm up for the real writing, right?)

Annoyances

• My fabulous mood--the one I had before I started this whole ttc journey--is quickly dissipating.
• I went for my baseline sonogram this morning. Waited for *40 minutes* for what turned out to be a 5 minute appointment. And I didn't even get to see the pretty follicle-in-training.
• My RE would like to cancel my cycle, not because I have an ovarian cyst that makes medication a bad idea, but because he would like to see me in person about the various questions I had regarding his changes to my protocol, and he can only see me after I would need to start medication. Why am I wondering about the use of Clomid, dear doctor? Well, it's because, *you* told me unmedicated cycles would be a better choice when I saw you a month ago. Is doing another unmedicated cycle simply not possible?
• I was told by an editor of an anthology that I need to discuss a major political figure I have no interest in ever mentioning in life, much less in an academic paper.
• I need to make up book orders for spring courses, which involves the busy-work of checking ISBNs.
• Needing to write multiple letters of rec for students who simply should not be going on the market. Unfortunately, it is not really my place to tell them that. That is the job of their chair.
• Needing to finish grading midterms. I like teaching, I really do, but grading essay questions hastily written in pencil is not my idea of a good time.
• A mild headache, probably from the above.

I think I need some chocolate.

Purely Rhetorical

Why is it that every time I open my email I have a note requesting that I do more work?

Why do editors take nine months to review a manuscript and then request changes within a few weeks?

Similarly, why do students who request letters of recommendation take more than a month to get their materials to you but expect you to produce a letter for them in under two weeks?

When is my period going to start so I can officially get on with cycle #2?

Notes from the 2ww

I have deliberately abstained from posting compulsively about my "symptoms" or my completely neurotic decision to take a pregnancy test as early as one week after my IUI (I was just seeing if the trigger shot was out of my system; at least, that's my cover story). I haven't told you about the sore breasts and the cramping and the headaches and how awful bananas taste.

So, here I am, 12dpo, the day I have tested positive both times I've been pregnant. Negative test this morning. But I'm spotting, which has only ever happened to me on 12dpo when I have indeed been pregnant (or had a wickedly low progesterone level, which should not be the case for a woman on as much supplementary progesterone as I am). So either I'm pregnant, with a very low beta. Or I need to be on a different form of progesterone support (Wonderful Former RE had me on suppositories, as well as Prometrium; maybe I really do need that much). So, to wrap up this boring account of my 2ww, I called the nurse and am going in for a blood test this afternoon, which they will repeat in 48 hours, regardless of the result. Either way, useful information, and I can stop peeing on sticks.

This afternoon, my students take a midterm, and I can read Margaret Atwood. Yeah, it's really good for women undergoing fertility treatment to read The Handmaid's Tale.

Updated to add: bHCG came back negative, progesterone at 15, so it looks like it's on the downward slide and on to cycle #2

Deadlines

Things that absolutely must be done before 3:00 today, or there will be serious consequences. (Naturally this list ignores all that must be done before 3:00 tomorrow--such as reading and preparing for my classes--because that list is too far off to even contemplate right now. Those items will be dealt with tonight--assuming I can keep myself awake--or before class tomorrow. [Thank goodness for teaching texts for which I have course notes!] Also excluded are those necessary life tasks, such as going to the grocery store to pick up Important Item I Forgot on Sunday and breathmints for LG, who says she will trade those for her pacifier.)

1. Finish syllabus for spring course and submit it to program administrator. (Note to self: this is not a time to be a perfectionist; this is the time to submit the document)

2. Write cover letters and put manuscripts in the mail to meet the Sept postmark deadline. [This will be accomplished after a life-needs break, during which I run to the grocery store and take a much-needed shower. As it is only 12:18, I am ahead of schedule.]

3. Write a letter of recommendation for grad student without making it sound like you've only seen one finished chapter of the dissertation. Remember, you are not her chair. Proofread letter and send to dossier service. Remember, you are not her chair. Letters of recommendation may be rhetorical triumphs, but they cannot be fiction.

Updated to add: It is now 1:37 and I have done everything on my NEED TO list, with the exception of actually going to the post office. Now, some cleaning in the kitchen and dinner prep, before leaving for appointment at 2:30. Then, all the other stuff on the list, like remembering I need to teach tomorrow.

Ah, prometrium

I am trying to come up with a list of questions to discuss in my 3:00 class. And look over the drafts of poems turned in this morning. Really.

But all I want to do is crawl under my desk and take a nap. My eyelids feel heavy, like I've been given those sleepy numbing drops that dilate your pupils. I'm trying not to think about the embryo that may or may not be making camp in my uterus.

Still, tomorrow brings with it three major deadlines. Somehow the work will get done. It always does.

Oh, yeah

A couple hours post-trigger shot and all I want to do is nap. Heading to the library to finish a syllabus for spring and read one of my grad student's chapters. Because the bed is beckoning...

*

I have a post brewing about working with--and being friends with--graduate students. Hopefully I'll be out of this fog and back to real work soon. But I'm not holding my breath.

It's a Go!

So I'm leaving for my u/s in a few minutes, to check on follicles and determine when to use a trigger shot. Because the clinic is closed over the weekend, I wanted to make sure I could get in for an IUI on Friday. And I just got a positive on my trusty friend Clear Blue Easy, so I might not need that trigger after all [that nonsense with the pharmacy]. Yahoo!!

Updated to add: One gorgeous follie on the left (18 mm), not much doing on the right (oddly, this is where I'm feeling things happening). Just triggered, per nurse's instructions. IUI #1 tomorrow afternoon!

And a question for anyone who's used Ovidrel: does it function the same way as regular HCG trigger shots in terms of waiting to do pregnancy tests?

Can Clomid Cause Delayed Hot Flashes?

I know Clomid can cause hot flashes. But four days after taking the medication? Really? I mean, I know it's unseasonably warm, but my body is cold while my face is flushed.

*

I am wearing pink. I am thinking fertile thoughts. I am trying to stay calm. Sonogram tomorrow morning, and hopefully IUI on Friday. Then two weeks (or more) of progesterone-induced fog. Bliss.

After That Whole Pharmacy Fiasco

I am oddly calm.

I am not sure if that is good, or if I should be concerned.

Dear Special Order Pharmacy

Dear Special Order Pharmacy Mandated by Insurance:

When a fertility patient tells you that she needs medication soon and you ask if Tuesday is soon enough and she says yes, you send her the medication on Tuesday. You do not tell her on Friday that yes, if you are taking her order that you have received authorization and spoken to the doctor if in fact you have not done so. You certainly do not leave her a message Monday afternoon to tell her you would like to speak with her about her delivery, which turns out to be the vital piece of information that you have not, in fact, ever received her prescription from the doctor because you took down the phone number incorrectly. Nor do you need to keep the patient on hold for ten minutes while you have the doctor's office contact the doctor on call, as it is after hours, and they are closed. And when you say you will call her back to let her know that you have finally received the prescription and will be shipping the medication, you will call her back, instead of making her call on Tuesday morning, only to find out that while she slept the medicine traveled from one state to another and should arrive on her doorstep sometime that day.

sincerely,
Pissed Off Patient

p.s. I'll actually be astonished if I get the right medicine after all this. (FedEx has the package listed as weighing 5 lbs, when we're talking about one pre-filled syringe that should weigh a few ounces at most!!!!)

Updated to add: Apparently one syringe weighs five pounds when it is encased in styrofoam and cold packs.

Two Days of Clomid

...and I feel like my ovaries are about to explode. Will not take it tomorrow.

*

Trigger shot expected to arrive on Tues. I sure hope I surge Wed pm or Thurs am :)

The First Glitch

Apparently, I might not have coverage for my HCG trigger shot because it's considered a "fertility drug." I'm surprised, since Clomid was covered, and that too is a fertility drug (I can't think of any other reason someone would take Clomid?). In the end, I don't really care if I have coverage, as in the whole scheme of how much Baby #2 might cost me, what's $75 bucks? But it does piss me off that I'm only finding this out now, after pharmacy #1 said they couldn't get it for me, and pharmacy #2 referred me to my insurance company's pharmacy because they got an automatic reject when they tried to bill me and then the insurance company said it could take 2-3 days just to figure out whether or not I have coverage. I'm giving them until tomorrow afternoon to straighten this out, and then I'm calling pharmacy #2, which will need to order this drug anyway, so I can have it in my grubby little hands early next week. Because I will need it on Wed or Thurs, people!

I'm already feeling twinges in my right ovary. Good things are happening there. I'll give them some Clomid to help them along :)

A Post About Work

Ok. So the title's pretty vague. What I wanted to comment on was getting work done and having a life during the semester. Yeah, I know it's somewhat ironic, in that I'm using one of my prime writing times to write THIS instead of working on my book manuscript. But things are going well for me right now, and that's what I want to talk about.

My to do list is, admittedly, quite full, though I'm guessing very much in line with the majority of my colleagues. This semester, I have two classes to manage (one small seminar, and one mid-sized [big for me] discussion-based class), an independent study to direct (it's a thesis, so there's much reading involved), five (or six?) graduate student committees to serve on [this semester, that means writing job letters for all but one of them, in addition to the regular reading of their chapters and meeting for coffee/work chats], a student organization to oversee, weekly or bi-weekly commitee meetings to prepare for and attend, and my own research/writing, both to produce and to send out for review (which is split between 3 fields, a frazzling thing in and of itself). This is a pretty typical semester.

On top of this, I have LG to care for, entertain, cherish, and cart around; daily chores and housework; and larger home repair projects; not to mention, I'm trying to get pregnant, which entails 3+ doctor's office visits crammed into a two week period, routine blood work to schedule, and the general stress that infertility treatment creates.

And yet...I'm not frazzled, by and large. I'm steadily checking things off my to do list. I am, knock wood, mostly headache free. I have time to read and watch TV and go to yoga and read blogs and occasionally see a friend for lunch or coffee. I sleep [when I can sleep] 8-8.5 hours per night [and when I can't sleep, I certainly don't do work!]. I feel very far from my first semesters here, when I was overwhelmed and in physical therapy and headaching all the time. And I guess I wonder why. Why I can get all the stuff done I need to get done (I mean really NEED to get done--there's always stuff on the to do list I don't get around to, but mostly that doesn't matter) and have leisure time (which, from the way my colleagues TALK, they don't; though I'm guessing it's sort of like grad school, in that it's a lot of TALK and a lot of drama behind the scenes).

In case you are wondering, here are some of my work habits:

1. I keep a fairly strict/regular schedule. There are some exceptions (I'm cutting into my morning writing time by a few minutes now, for instance, though this writing could always be seen as a warm up to the real work), but for the most part, I do the same things at the same time, week after week. Committee meetings, office hours, writing hours, teaching hours, reading hours, all the same. I write in the mornings when I don't teach. I read or write in the afternoon. I limit all my teaching stuff, other than grading and the reading of novels, to teaching days. I reserve Friday afternoons for manuscript submissions, trips to the library, writing letters of rec, and student meetings.
2. I stay aware of my energy. If I'm not working well, I do something else (take a walk, throw in a load of laundry etc.). I recognize that not all days will be good work days.
3. I try to limit my internet/email time.
4. I've learned that overprepping for class does not help, but it very often hinders the creation of a productive environment for my students.
5. I take advantage of small time opportunities (I carry a book with me to read in waiting rooms, for instance; I clean my kitchen while water is brewing for tea).
6. I try understand my productivity in terms of what is accomplished, rather than what I didn't do or how many hours I spent. Confession: I suspect that I spend far fewer hours than many of my colleagues on work-related activities, even as my annual reviews will indicate that my output is high (particularly when compared to my junior faculty cohort). I have to assume, then, that the hours that I do spend working are more "productive" than that of my colleagues.

And now, on to the real work of the day.

The Plan Is In Motion

Baseline sono today. Two follies of notable size (around 10 and 7, both on the right; nothing doing on the left). Feels a whole lot like the cycle I conceived LG. This is SO day 3. And I will not be dicking around with Clomid. No, Dr. Pretty, I'm not that stupid. Well, maybe just one little pill...

*

I'm calm. I'm on top of things (other than the 5 papers I didn't grade and the fact that I have no babysitter for tomorrow). So why can't I sleep anymore? And what's up with the heart palpitations, huh?

Life Is Good

Really. I mean, I'm calm. No stress in the shoulders. On a teaching day.

*

Of course, there is that THING that kept me up last night, wondering whether I'll be able to ttc this month or the timing will be funky.

But, generally, I'm as blissed out as I was when I was pregnant with LG. Is this the B6, or progesterone, or am I just really happy right now? I don't suppose it matters.

We Have a Plan!

After almost two weeks of back-and-forthing with the nurse at the RE's office, we have a plan! And it's a plan I like:

A natural cycle with u/s monitoring, both baseline and day 11 or 12, HCG trigger shot, 200 mg Prometrium beginning 2 days after IUI. APA testing within normal limits (hmmm?) so no heparin for now.

This will work the first time, right? I mean, cosmically, I'm owed that, right? I could guess IUI #1 will be Sept 24 or 25. I'm *that* freaking predictable.

A Prelude to Fall

The leaves have started to turn and fall. One flames on my desk.

*

I wore a sweater today, and a pair of jeans. It is cool enough to roast a chicken, to bake apple crisp.

*

I am settling into a routine, getting things done, drinking a cup of tea.

*

Life is good.

On Getting Work Done

I have a list of deadlines, both internal and external, on the wall beside my desk. It is not directly in front of me; I have to crane my neck to see it. That strikes me as significant. It is always there, almost within sight, but not what's foremost in my vision, or thoughts. Usually my deadlines--internal ones--are off by a good month, largely because external deadlines (and student papers, oh the student papers!) take precedence. My list of deadlines seems amazingly short right now: external deadlines will be met by the end of September (except the ongoing work of sending out manuscripts), leaving me essentially one internal goal to meet per month for the rest of the semester. Sitting here on one of my "off" days, half an hour before picking up LG from school, it all seems quite manageable, in fact. I have pencilled in projects in my planner. I am not yet behind (of course, the first bunch of papers comes in next week). I am making steady progress.

I am sure there is something I am forgetting.

Back to School Edition (Part III)

I feel like I'm shifting gears every 30 seconds or so, moving from writer to teacher to mother to person-trying-to-get-pregnant.

My first day? Dragged LG out of the house at 7:30 am to buy the freaking parking sticker. Stood in line--it was OUT THE DOOR--behind a bunch of undergrad athletes, only to find out that, sure, I can get a parking sticker but my GATE CARD will not work (which makes the sticker fairly pointless) for the next few days, possibly a week. So I dropped LG off at school--she cried at the window--and managed to find a parking space, within walking distance of my office, in an ungated area. Then proceeded the last minute assembling of handouts (there are always more poems to copy!).

Taught one class.

Came back from class. Finished assembling materials for second class. Ate lunch. Chatted with Best Professor Friend.

Raced to car, with materials for my second class, to the appointment with fertility specialist. Explained--again--to everyone who would listen that I needed to be back on campus so if he could squeeze me in early, that would be great.

The stars aligned. We chatted. Came up with a protocol I'm okay with (and Wonderful Former RE agrees with). He checked out my ovaries, gave me a test requisition and sent me on my way.

Miraculously, I found a parking space within walking distance of class. And I got there EARLY.

Taught. One of my good, energetic first day discussions. A class of all women!!!

Drove across campus, parked illegally in a metered space, and grabbed the rest of the crap from my office. Picked up LG, and home for dinner (pizza for her, leftovers for me).

Today was much the same, minus the teaching. Lots of writing, interspersed with phone calls about the baby plan, blood tests, and purchasing of B6.

But you know? WFRE said "Life must be good!" when I told her about my plans. And you know, I think she's right!

It's just past 7:00. LG is down for the count. I've got prepping to do, and house cleaning, and dealing with the fact that our fish might have expired (he was bleeding?! from his face a while ago). Tomorrow there will be more writing, phone calling, emailing, housecleaning, and probably some crashing in front of the TV.

1 down, 15 to go...

Back to School Edition (Part II)

I just tried on a few outfits to figure out what to wear. I'm even contemplating wearing heels!! I feel like this is Professor Gwinne, The Next Generation.

I'm panicking. Now, there's really no reason to panic. It's the first day of class. Nothing *happens* on the first day of class, other than setting the tone for the days that follow. I have handouts. I have exercises to do.

What I don't have is a parking sticker, which I will need, when I flee the office of the RE to get back to campus within half an hour for my second class. What the fuck was I thinking?! But, given that LG and I need to leave earlier than usual, to deal with the stupidity of the parking sticker, I should get some things done. Laundry. Lunches. Etc.

This is all happening a bit too fast...

Back to School Edition (Part I)

My "quick trip" to the office ended up being a nearly two-hour trip to the office. Chatted amiably with the secretarial staff, battled the copy machine (why does the damn thing turn off every time I use it?), picked up my desk copies, went through old course notes to find material for next week's lectures and discussion questions, sent assorted emails. The new folks are trickling in--new grad students hanging about in the lounge, talking about the work they need to do for next week, fresh(wo)men walking about with their parents, lugging their suitcases and such--and the old folks are sending emails about committee work and upcoming meetings. Already.

And even though I anticipate liking my courses (and my committee assignment, should I choose to keep it), I feel an old resentment emerging, bracing myself up against the institution. Too often I feel what I "need" to do (to get tenure, to earn the respect of those in the institution, to get decent teaching evals) ends in pedagogical bankrupcy. I find myself asking what it is about this profession that I value, and how it is that this institution (this JOB) too often stands in the way of, rather than supports, those values.

More on that later. For now, a trip to the grocery store.

The End Is Near

• This is the penultimate weekend of summer. This morning we had swimming lessons, a quick trip to the farmer's market (peaches, potatoes, cucumber, and a treat to eat there). Now, quiet time. Then a birthday party. Dinner (what will I make?) and bedtime for LG. Our weekends go much better when we have a reason to be out of the house by 9:30.
• I'm working my way through Bleak House (BBC) and trying to finish Moo (which I have been trying to finish for most of the summer!).
• The house is pretty clean, though I should sweep the floors and throw in a load of laundry (or two, or three, as I think we're down to the dregs of our underwear drawers).
• I scheduled an appointment with the RE who will be overseeing my treatment (that is good). The only problem with that is the timing: it's the first day of school, only 1 hour and 15 minutes before my class. That's cutting it too close to comfort. *But* the alternative was skipping a cycle (why, why, why does this doctor only see patients for one afternoon per week? yes, that's a rhetorical question).
• I'm reading Frank Donoghue's The Last Professors. Tres sad. More on that later.
• Sibling finally has a diagnosis, which is good. Well, having a diagnosis is good. The diagnosis may or may not be good. She should be getting out of Psych Jail later this weekend. Oy with the poodles already!

On the Decision to Try for Baby #2

The Baby Project is now a officially in full swing. I have filled out required paperwork, subjected myself to blood tests, bought supplies (both expensive and inexpensive), and stewed. What I haven't done is tell my mother; it is a conversation I am sort of dreading--largely because I think her response will be "are you nuts?! LG already has you at the end of your rope!" but also because she's in the midst of the Nonsense Regarding My Younger Sister's Mental Health (yes, that deserves All Caps). I will do that sometime in the next few weeks, once things settle down.

Yet despite my inability to tell my mom, I'm pretty chill about all of this, which is odd given how ambivalent I had been up until the moment I actually put money toward it. Now it's just another thing to do, like my job. That's not to say I'm not excited about it. Just that this time around it's one component of a life that is, frankly, going pretty darn well. I sat down with my CV and realized, whether my Dept Chair explicitly said it or not, I'm in really good shape for tenure (that essay long in progress was FINALLY slated for publication this spring!). My big list of things to do, well, not so big, particularly if I decide to hire someone to do various house repairs that I will never get around to doing otherwise. And most significantly, I'm feeling calm and in control when it comes to LG. In other words, I'm in a good place to add a little bit of drama. Not a lot of drama, mind you, just a little bit.

I won't know for sure until I'm in the thick of it, but I have a feeling that ttc for #2 will be nothing like ttc for #1: (1) we already know I can get pregnant and carry to term, (2) I know something about how I respond to meds, (3) it won't require driving to Big City and back for procedures that last only a few minutes at most. What all this adds up to is I'm feeling good about all this. I'm taking prenatal vitamins and sleeping through the night. The big test will be how I feel once the semester begins.

Now, if only I could figure out what REAL writing to do this morning...

Rather Unremarkable

LG is downstairs at her kid table coloring. I am upstairs looking things up, typing this.

How wonderful is that?

Well I Did It

I just spent the bulk of my summer salary procuring the missing ingredient for The Baby Project.

This is not crazy. This is not crazy. This is not crazy.

Books and Babies

Too tired to put together complete paragraphs, so here are a few bullets:

• Knocked out a draft of that grant proposal this morning. That's good. Makes me feel like I'm somewhat on top of things now that the countdown to school has really begun. I may or may not get the grant--learned that last year--so I'm approaching this as a draft of the book proposal, which will need to be done soon regardless. I know there will be a lot of uploading nonsense and bureaucracy, but at least the project outline is relatively straightforward.
• I have promised myself that I will not turn myself into a lunatic about/while ttc this time around. If it starts having an effect on my relationship with LG or if I get too stressed, I WILL STOP. That is a promise. Right now, I'm pretty calm about the whole thing, which seems good. Of course, I didn't sleep well last night, which doesn't bode well...
• My plan is to do a trial run of Clomid next month (next week?), to see how it goes, before investing real money in the project. The ob/gyn takes a low monitoring, low meds approach as standard protocol, which has me a little wary. (I'm pretty sure that I need more than Clomid as luteal phase support, but I'm willing to try it once to see how it goes. Vaguely contemplating Vitamin B6, but I'd rather not start messing around on my own.) One thing I am pleased with is that she uses Lovenox instead of heparin, which is only once a day, with pre-filled syringes. Pills and needles and sonograms, oh my!
• As much as I like the no-teaching aspect of summer, the classes I'm slated to teach in the fall should be good. I'm doing mostly books I know inside and out, with a few new things for flavor. There will be grading marathons for my big class, and a constant trickle of things in the small class. I might need to suck it up and get a babysitter for Sunday afternoons again (perhaps daughter of department chair?) to stay on top of grading.
• Trying to remember the three P's [Patience, Purpose, and Peace]. Trying to not lose sight of the big picture, while realizing that life really is in the details and day to day choices (gawd, now I sound like a self-help book).
• Tomorrow: more on agents and journals. Work on revising the encyclopedia entry.

Random Bullets of the End of Summer

• I just emailed Nasty Editor the final version of an essay, which has gone through multiple rounds of revision, per their request. The original version was written the month before LG was born, and she's 4.5 this month! This has been a long, annoying process, leaving me feeling like I never want to submit an essay to an academic journal again. Unfortunately, it is essays in academic journals that leads to respect and raises around here, particularly as I have a much easier time getting "scholarly" work accepted than I do "creative" work, largely due to market forces.
• I have a list of phone calls I'd rather not make.
• LG and I are leaving for Chicago in the morning, to visit my sister in the hospital. No one knows what's wrong with her, but she's literally delusional. Possibilities being discussed: she stopped taking her anti-depressant, she OD'd on something, a weird drug interaction, or a stroke.
• Three weeks left to finish this encyclopedia entry and get a grant proposal together. Syllabi need to be written. Course packets need to be assembled.
• I have a cold that skipped my head and settled in my chest. I'd like to go back to bed. I should go to campus and get copies of syllabi to revise, which can be done from Chicago, so I feel like I'm doing *something*

Timing Is Everything

Is this some kind of cosmic joke? Upon arriving home from a tropical vacation, where I finally decided I would call my ob/gyn to have a real converstion about TTC, my stack of mail contained a letter saying she is RETURNING TO TEXAS and will not be seeing patients after Aug 15. And since my period decided to show up after a mere *16 days* it's too late to do anything about it (as in, take clomid and get in a cycle before she leaves).

Updated to add: Will be seeing the doctor next week. Researching my options. Am I really ready for this?

Annual Reviews

So I read my annual review by my chair and, as with the one he gave last year, the damn thing actually made me cry. I mean, it's so fucking nice. I don't mean that it says I'm the best thing since sliced bread or merely extols my virtues--though it is, objectively, a mostly flattering portrait. It just reads like there's an actual human being behind the letter, unlike the ones given out by Previous Chair. It recognizes the flaws in the major program to which I am a contributing faculty. It recognizes that scholarship can be on fun things (like TV!). It recognizes how difficult it can be to be a junior faculty member in this department. And yet...

it still has me turning around in circles trying to decode the single sentence of bureaucrat-ese. How much do I *really* need to do for tenure? What would happen if I didn't keep going at what is, I think, a break-neck speed? Will he still think I'm in a good place, professionally, if I do decide to have another child? Should I have another child because my chair has mostly indicated that if I keep doing what I'm doing I will, in all likelihood, get tenure? Why is it that my department--even with a kindly human as Current Chair--cultivates anxiety in those who don't need to be anxious and supports those who are generally fuck-ups who don't get their work done? What is that about?

What I Did During Grammy Boot Camp (Day 1)

• Washed the floors (up and down).
• Cleaned the bathroom.
• Scoured the fridge.
• Straightened up Kid Mess.
• Did three loads of laundry.
• Did a little shopping (for dinner).
• Made pad thai (yum!).
• Sat on my porch, drinking wine, reading a book of poems, while water boiled on the stove.
• Took a walk (after dinner!).
• Checked email.
• Checked in with my girl and her gram (twice--well, I only called once, at the prescribed time, but they called back).
• Took a bath, with my overpriced Pangea soap and lavendar bubble bath.
• Watched Persepolis *in bed*.

How am I feeling? Buzzed. Pretty content. Sore from yesterday's yard work. Feeling like this break won't last long enough but still, oddly, missing my girl.

On Watching "One Fine Day" (for the third time)

So I have a thing for sappy movies about single mothers. Always have. And one of my favorite sappy movies about single moms is One Fine Day, featuring Michelle Pfeiffer and George Clooney. It's one of those idyllic, perfectly plotted films where the heroine has an obvious conflict (work vs. kid) and of course the hero comes in to save the day, as they swap childcare so they can both meet important work deadlines. And of course fall in love.

Personally I could do without the falling in love part--though George Clooney isn't half bad--but what I like about the movie is it exemplifies--without sentimentalizing, without trivializing--what I find most challenging about being a single mom: negotiating that whole work vs. kid thing. Pfeiffer's character is a good mom who dotes on her son. She is also a good employee who, faced with a direct conflict between caring for her son and going the extra mile on the job, ultimately chooses her kid. What this movie never says is she can't have both. In the end, she has a job, a kid, and even something she wasn't expecting.

I expect there's a longer essay in this for me, and I've been thinking about how to organize that essay collection, featuring significant moments in my journey to negotiate home and work. Watching that movie last night, after reading a new collection Mama, PhD, while my daughter refused to go to bed, and while ignoring the pile of dishes in the sink and the toys scattered everywhere...well, that's one such moment.

Let Summer Begin!

Having submitted my grades, I can declare summer school officially over, which means my "vacation" can start. What does that mean, exactly?

1. I don't need to go to an unairconditioned office to make handouts and prepare for class.
2. I don't need to walk across campus, lugging anthologies and student portfolios, going completely out of my way because a major bridge is closed, to teach in a building "south of the river," as we say around here.
3. I don't need to put on respectable clothing, or even a bra, if I really don't want to.
4. I can sit in the comfort of my own unairconditioned home, listening to Pandora, and writing.
5. I can sit on my back porch, on white wicker furniture, and read, with a cat curled at my side.
6. I can take a break when I need to, walking around my neighborhood or throwing in a load of laundry or working in the garden.
7. I can pick up LG as early as I really want and take her swimming or to the park or the public library.
8. I can watch as much TV as I want (or at least that's what I'm telling myself).
9. I can hang out with friends, assuming they aren't completely scheduled and overwhelmed with summer goings on.
10. I have exactly eight weeks to write a book manuscript (or most of a book manuscript), an encyclopedia article, and find an agent for another project. And come up with syllabi for the year's classes. And read for a new prep. And put together a grant proposal to finance what might become a maternity leave, assuming I decide to have another baby, assuming I get pregnant, assuming I get the grant.

Can't you tell how relaxed I am?

In Which I Decide to Make This Blog Public

...and muse about the consequences. I've decided to stick with trusty old Gwinne as a pseudonym, a name that has followed me across various internet groups and for which very few people know my "real" identity. This is a space I'd like to use mostly as a place wherein I can reflect--publicly--on the relationship between mothering and academe. The kid shall heretofore be referred to as Little Gwinne (or LG) because now, at age 4, she looks and acts like a Mini Me. I ask that if you do know me in "real life" that you respect the pseudonymous nature of the blog.

For now, I need to get to work--editing an essay to be sent out by the end of the day--though LG is convinced that all I do is go to yoga, watch TV, and talk on the phone at my campus office.