Weepy

I'm not sure if it's being sick, or turning 36, or the end of the semester, or this whole ttc rollercoaster, but I'm weepy today. Like, I almost started crying when the nurse asked me if I wanted to try Clomid again this cycle. This is how I get when I've given up, feeling like this cycle is doomed to fail no matter what I do, which is, ironically, how I felt both times I've conceived. I'm trying to be okay with moving on, with seeing a new doctor in a couple weeks; I'm trying to remind myself that I've *really* only done two cycles, since the cancelling of the last one had nothing to do with my body and everything to do with my RE. And yet, it's been a very long four months (and five cycles) since I sat down with my ob/gyn and decided to pursue having a second child. Reading around in the Infertility Blogosphere isn't helping--it just reminds me of everything that can go wrong and how hard this process can be (and I know I'm not there yet, not really, not this time, anyway).

It's the six-year anniversary of my miscarriage. Yesterday, today, every day from November 19 to December 19, when WFRE finally opened me on the table. I thought about it a lot that first year, when I was pregnant with LG and desperately afraid of that noose around my neck "high risk pregnancy." But not so much since. And now, trying again, I'm back in that place where I see my body as a site of refusal and loss.

Maybe I'll cancel my day, go rent The X-Files: I Want to Believe, and wallow.