So, weird day

Yesterday when we got home, we sat down to eat dinner pretty much immediately.  And Tiny Boy ATE.  And didn't ask to nurse until bedtime.  Huh.

And then today, contrary to his usual weekend nurse-a-thon, absolutely nothing from 6:30 am until 7:30 pm.  He actually requested "mo baba" instead of "mama mil."  Oh-kay.

Now let's be clear.  He still woke five million times last night and needed the boob.  But apparently during the day, not so interested.

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Right now, LG is at a sleepover birthday party.  Tiny Boy is asleep.  I've cleaned and made some kale muffins (he'll eat them probably, she won't) and now I'm watching Girls and drinking some wine.

Really I should go to sleep because he'll probably be awake in like an hour.

Operation Wean and Sleep

I finish summer school tomorrow.  And although I had delusions that grading would take like 10 minutes total and I'd be really done tomorrow, I have accepted that I'll need to wrap things up Friday.  I'd like things really finished, like desk cleaned (I never filed after spring term), fall syllabus ready to go, email sent to get the ball rolling for my administrative duties (which don't begin until fall).

I have two main projects for the next weeks:  (1) get Tiny Boy to sleep (or at least not wake ME) and (2) write in a sustained way.  The second, of course, is largely dependent upon the success of the first.

I am working on a plan.  Feel free to advise (though I will also feel free to ignore--too often sleep advice is dependent upon TWO FUNCTIONING ADULTS in the house).

1. I have purchased a toddler clock.  I'm hoping he likes it enough to OBEY.  We've been talking for a while about how the milk sleeps at night and will come back in the morning.  I also make a big show of pulling up his shades when I get him (even though it's been light for a while) and talking about waking with the sunshine.
2. Also, a toddler pillow.  He likes pillows.  He doesn't really have any sort of 'lovey' so I'm hoping maybe this will help.
3. I'm using some sort of "no cry" (or, really, "less cry") option, as he has STAMINA and I will not survive three days of no sleep, much less a month.  Right now we're only nursing in the rocking chair, and he's going back to bed pretty easily.  He seems to need to nurse for about 10 minutes; 5 minutes generally he says "NO" or doesn't go back to sleep willingly.  So I'm hoping the combo of the clock and cutting nursing times can get him to eventually not nursing.  I think I am willing to do it ONCE but that sort of depends on when his first waking actually is; this past week it's varied from 10:30-12:30, for no apparent reason.
4. Also, going to my mom's next week and maybe she'll be able to sleep in the same room with him and get him to NOT NURSE.  She's helpful for many things but so far not sleep issues, so we'll see...

 Anyhoo, wish us luck!

Happy Sunday

Today was good.  Really truly good.  And it was one of those proverbial "light bulb" epiphanies that what made all the difference was SLEEP.  And I'm not even talking good sleep by pre-Tiny Boy standards when, insomniac nights aside, I could rely on 8-9 hrs.  Last night I fell asleep a bit before 10:00, woke with him around 11:30 [and stayed awake for close to an hour] and then around 3:30 and that was all.  He was up for the day at 6:30, which is so much better than 5:00.  I felt rested.  I can't even imagine what I'd feel like if I got more than 3 hrs of uninterrupted sleep.

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We had a big breakfast.  Toast, hash browns, eggs, juice, berries.  LG and I ate a ton and Tiny Boy ate potatoes mostly. 

Out the door to the neighborhood park by 9:00, home by 10:30.  I made an early lunch, put Tiny Boy down for a nap just before noon. 

I putzed around the kitchen, swept the floor, finished commenting on student writing for tomorrow...and finished The Interestings (finally!).  At 2:20 or so LG and I woke him up so we could meet a friend at the pool.

She swam with her friend while I let Tiny Boy splash.  He had a few moments of sheer terror but mostly he enjoyed himself.

We came home, I popped him in the bath to clean off the sand/chlorine/sunscreen scum, and ate dinner.

I'm not really doing it justice here...the whole day was just nice and calm, without me worrying about things or just trying to muddle through to get to the next SLEEP.  The only new glitch (this has been going on for several days now) is that Tiny Boy doesn't want to go to bed at night.  It involves crying and, generally, me going back in to console him.  Tonight I put an exhausted boy down at 7:15 and was back twice because he wouldn't stop crying.  Finally went to sleep after 8:00.

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I don't know what else to say except, wow, what a difference a bit more sleep makes.  Please, I'd like some more.

Because I've Been Whining Way Too Much Lately

I bring you some small good things.  If you are just tuning in, I do these periodically on the blog, and every day with both my daughter and my son.  Only with him, I tell him what was good about his day (as in:  you played in the sandbox today?  (nodding vehemently)  and you ate some cherries today and you played with your lawnmower with LG?  what a good day!).  A little perspective is a nice thing sometimes.

1. My class is winding down.  Like, we're in the last week which means ABSOLUTELY NO PREP ON MY PART.  It's a lot of commenting on insanely bad pieces of writing grading, but that's a different sort of energy.  I'm hoping to get a diss chapter read and my syllabus for fall written, so I can focus on my own stuff for the rest of the summer.
2. LG has the capacity to be enormously helpful and sweet with her brother.  Like, even after she's said goodnight, she'll come back in while I'm rocking him and kiss him.
3. Because LG is taking a half-day language program this week (and in the half day that I *don't* teach) I had to cobble together a bizarre childcare arrangement for her.  But this afternoon she's coming to class with me (field trip day!), and we're going out to lunch beforehand, and it will be nice to spend some time with her without the toddler drama.
4. I've gotten several short pieces accepted this week.  All vaguely infertility/RPL related.  Nice to have them accepted.  Nice to put that shit to bed.
5. Tiny Boy has slept in his own bed two nights in a row.  He's also gone back to sleep relatively easily.  While I have not, I am still very appreciative TO HAVE MY OWN FUCKING BED BACK AND NOT BE KICKED IN THE HEAD OR CRAWLED ON BY A TODDLER AT TWO A.M.  HE ALSO DOES THIS RHYTHMIC BANGING THING WHICH MIGHT HELP HIM TO SLEEP BUT IT DOES NOT HELP ME  (No, I don't have any pent up frustration or anything.)
6. I have been reading the same work of fiction since May (to be fair, it's a LONG novel).  Now that I have my own room back, I'm reading it again.  Yay.

Random Musings on Humanity and the State of My Week

Friday morning, on my way back from dropping off kids, I was in a car accident (rear ended at a yellow light; I stop for such things, apparently the car behind me had other plans).  I'm OKAY--glad kids weren't in the car, very glad--but holy fuck.  Car ended up in the middle of the intersection; seemed like it would never stop.  And you know the asshole who hit me didn't even bother to ask if I was okay?

Then, Friday afternoon I was sitting with my lovely writing group, just listening to them talk, and found myself almost in tears because of how gifted I am to have them in my life. 

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Pulled out the No Cry Sleep Solution.  Seems like the one that is most in line with both my parenting philosophy and my actual abilities.  Or maybe I'll let him cry and sleep in the car for a few nights, because I think that's the only spot in the house I couldn't actually hear him.  Last night I didn't fight it, just dumped him in bed with me after first waking, and I really don't remember much waking after that and we both woke up about 6:30.  No complaints there.

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LG decided we should go to the zoo today.  Tiny Boy sat in front of the mandrils and said bay-bee, which might be the cutest thing ever.  Of course I think that every time he says something new.

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I don't know how it started but LG and I have a tradition of buying a sugar cookie (for her) and a cup of coffee (for me) on the way home from our farmer's market.  Tiny Boy sure did enjoy his share of the cookie.  Mo dat.

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I really don't know how I'm going to get done everything I want to get done this summer.  More on that later.  Now I'm going to bed.

Random Stuff That's On My Mind

• When LG was 18 mo, I'd moved and started my current job.  I remember thinking I couldn't get any work done because she (a) didn't nap reliably and (b) didn't eat (not in the Tiny Boy sort of way--she was on Neocate and barely ate solid food) and (c) I spent a lot of time doing domestic work (some due to b).  We have come full circle and here we are again.
• It occurred to me earlier this week that I'm deliberately overpaying my mortgage; I refinanced a year ago and kept paying the same amount (some $200 more) to cut down on the principal.  While this might be beneficial in the longterm (nicoleandmaggie?) I could do a whole lot with that money NOW.  Like pay for someone to do yard work or clean my house or.  You get the point.  So I'm thinking about what I'd really like.
• Also occurred to me that I have a lot of money in savings (one gets a whole lot of money BACK in taxes after doing a DE cycle, or at least I did) and so although I have trouble paying the bills with my actual salary, I have money.  And I should use it to deal with crap around the house.  Like the fact that we don't have LIGHT in the bathroom on a regular basis.
• There are aspects of toddlerness I like (language acquisition!  he wakes up in the morning and says "hi!" which is much better than crawling over me to get at the boob).  There are aspects of toddlerness I really dislike (tantrums in parking lots over being carried, the constant need to climb dangerous stuff).  Ditto age 9.  There are ages I would rather die than relive (LG at 3.5!); we are currently in neither of those.
• I asked LG what her perfect night would be like.  Interestingly, it was a lot like what mine would be like (except I don't have a need to eat pizza on a daily basis).
• I really don't know what to do about our nights.  There are things I really enjoy about having Tiny Boy in his own room (i.e. I can actually READ in my bed at night without resorting to a book light under the blankets) but on the whole we're not getting more sleep.  The past two nights have involved being awake for two hours in the middle of the night--two hours straight, that is--the first due to a coughing fit (his) and the second because I was trying to get him to stay in his fucking bed and he'd be quiet for a while and then start screaming and finally I said do you want to sleep with mommy and he actually did.  Slept, that is.  I know consistency is the thing about sleep training, but every night is a different beast.  Sometimes he sleeps better with me, sometimes without me, sometimes he really actually needs milk and sometimes he just wants a human pacifier.  This is the project for when I finish summer school.  Honest to goodness.

Words from Tiny Boy

Mommy?  Ma-mow.  Ma-mow.  Ma-mow.  Ma-mow.
Mommy?  Ma-mow.  Mommy.  Ba-bal.  Ba-bal.  Mo.  Mo ba.

Loosely translated:  Mommy, I like lawnmowers.  I saw a lawnmower yesterday.  I hear a lawnmower now, except I don't see one, maybe that's a car.  Maybe that's our car, you tell me.  Can we look for lawnmowers today?  You know, Mommy, I'm really thirsty.  I could use a bottle.  Now, Mommy, I'd like another bottle, I threw that one on the floor.

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I have more things to say, except I'm tired, really tired, so I won't.

Life in Fragments

Generally I'm one of those parents who, despite LOVING television and even WRITING about television, limits TV time for kids.  LG didn't watch anything in toddlerhood and has had generally 30 minutes/day for the bulk of her life, exceptions being weekends when I slept in and she binged on cartoons and occasional movie days.  Until recently Tiny Boy hasn't had systematic exposure to TV--he's seen things that LG had on, but never really paid attention--but in the last week or so I plopped him in front of an old Baby Einstein video just to keep him out of the kitchen.  And he watched it.  And he's currently sitting on a toddler-sized chair eating a graham cracker and being a proverbial couch potato.  And given that I spend about 90% of his waking time CHASING or WRANGLING HIM and the other 10% boobing him, well, I couldn't be more grateful. 

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Kids had well visits yesterday (18 mo and 9 years, respectively). Good news:  Tiny Boy passed lead screening and hemoglobin tests, developmentally on target, blah blah.  Bad news:  they suck at the whole weight gain thing.  He's still hovering at just over 20 lbs, which I think is about less than 1% [there was a whole thing here and blogger fucked up the formatting and long story short LG lost weight and I will fill in the rest when I have more energy]

And this is when although I might feel incredibly guilty as a mother, I have to say I don't.  It's not like I don't FEED them.  He doesn't eat, and she doesn't eat enough to offset the energy requirements of nonstop rollerblading and gymnastics.  So I'll be stocking up on protein powder and thinking about all kinds of ways (beyond dumping oil in everything) to fatten them up.  And in a less than stellar parenting move--despite my vow NEVER to make food an issue in the house (my sister was/is bulimic and I certainly had what I'd describe as anorexic tendencies in high school) I said if she doesn't start eating normally (last week after a 90 minute gymnastics class she decided to eat OLIVES for dinner) there will be NO MORE GYMNASTICS.  Yeah, that went over really well.  Clearly need a better strategy.

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I have a friend who made a short film.  This in itself is not surprising, given the area I work in.  But I watched it and just thought it was the most amazing thing and I'm have so lucky to have such creative people in my life.  She's moving, and this makes me all kinds of sad.

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I had a totally bizarro dream in which Dr. Gorgeous was an army colonel (and also an RE) and her whole staff hated her.  Not sure what that was about.  But clearly I have embryos on the brain.

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And now I'm going to stop writing this, do a quick clean up of the kitchen, curl up in bed with a heating pad and a movie (I'll watch 20 minutes per day, I think, until it's done).  And sleep.  I'm just TIRED.  And while I thought the NP we saw yesterday was spot-on brilliant when she said that Tiny Boy's sleep habits have taken months to get messed up and therefore will take months to straighten out, well, I don't have that kind of time.  Once he's over this cold (argh!!!) and I'm sufficiently recovered, the kid is being night-trained.  (Yes, you can start laughing now.)

Ugh

This week I was FINALLY going to get some real writing done on my book manuscript.

And I woke up Tuesday morning vomiting.  Went to class because I thought I was feeling better and walked out of class (at the end, thankfully) and threw up next to the river.  Picked up LG and told her she was watching her brother, I didn't care what they did as long as they ate dinner and were safe.  She actually did it.  She gave him a bowl of noodles and some "ice" (sorbet) and they took out every single toy in the house and watched the farm movie (Baby Einstein) over and over and over while she gave him a ride on his bike in the living room.  While I crashed in bed and listened.  I could not have been more impressed.

Of course she started throwing up around 3:00 am.  Stayed home from school on Wed.  I got a friend/colleague to cover my class, brought Tiny Boy to daycare, and puttered around the house with LG.  I actually TOOK A NAP.

Everyone was back to their respective educational institutions yesterday but I still feel like I was hit by a truck.    Dropped kids off Thursday morning and came home and went back to sleep before heading to campus.  In a t-shirt.  (With a skirt and kicky sandals, but still.)  But if you can't wear a t-shirt with a pun as a tenured director of a writing program, well, where can you?

Thanks to a combo of Benadryl (for the runny nosed Boy) and half an ambien (for the mama) we slept pretty well last night.  8:00-6:30 for him (he woke and nursed only twice), 9:30-6:30 for me (minus the boobing).

But not feeling much better today.  Grading papers and doing some reading in bed this morning, before LG comes home (last day, half day).  Decided it was worth skipping usual Friday yoga to rest and catch up.

Next week has to be better, right?

Boo-Hoo Baby

When Tiny Boy woke me at 5:00 I didn't feel quite right.  And indeed, upon sitting down with him in the rocking chair, I promptly deposited him back in his crib and ran to the bathroom to hurl.

Huh.

You know how much fun it is having a baby suck on you when all you want to do is throw up?  So from 5:00 until LG woke at 7:00 he was in and out of the crib, I was in and out of the bathroom, and bodily fluids abound.  Cancelled an appointment I had at 8:30, made LG get ready for school, and went downstairs to get ready to leave.

Only to have the ROOFERS knock on my door.  It's hard to have a sick day when there's constant pounding in your skull, and I don't mean the metaphorical sort.

So because I haven't puked since around 8:00 I think I'm going to put on actual human clothes--as opposed to my yoga pants and a t-shirt I've had longer than I've had LG--and go to my office.

Argh.

The One With Pictures In It

So Tiny Boy has his own room.

This is the basic gist of it, though I'm planning on painting the walls something darker and slightly less aqua and putting up decals of VEHICLES because he's a little obsessed.  Anything with an engine is "ma-mow" (lawnmower).

Which means I don't have a proper workspace, but have stashed a desk and bookcase in the corner of my bedroom where the crib used to be.  Much cleaning and reorganizing still to be done, as I also lost four shelves in the process, having "donated" two small bookcases to the kids.

And just for kicks, here's the boy on his new "bike."  And a lot of weeds.  Ahem.

Up next:  sleeping in separate spaces, a new tooth, and the all-night-suck-a-thon continues.

A Good Day in Baby World

I know most of y'all read each other, but if you don't, send a congrats to Shannon and Bionic.

Yay for babyness!

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And Chez Gwinne, Tiny Boy has a bedroom.  And he's sleeping in it.  I mean, not like all night or anything, but anything is a start.