Weaned

I think we're really truly done nursing.  It's been two weeks (?) or thereabouts, with only a couple requests which were easily redirected.

It's occurred to me that I'm not sad or wistful or anything, that I'm really glad to be done.  And that seemed weird to me, given how agonizing it was to stop nursing LG before I was even close to ready (even though she was sick and I was literally starving).

See, nursing a toddler wasn't particularly enjoyable. 

It involved being pawed at and bitten.  It involved nursing someone who was frequently upside down or rolling around (and generally behaving like a toddler).  It involved poor sleep.  It involved milk letting down at seemingly random times because sometimes we nursed a lot and sometimes we didn't.

Nursing an infant on the other hand--well, that I could have done longer.  So I'm a sad that I won't have that experience again, with Tiny Boy or, presumably, any other baby.  But man am I happy to be done nursing a 22-month-old.

Operation Wean and Sleep (An Update)

So here's where we're at:  Tiny Boy generally nurses one or more times between pickup and bedtime; if he wakes before 12:00 sometimes I nurse him sometimes I don't (sort of depends on if I have the milk or not).  Then he's cut off until 6:00 am; sometimes he takes a bottle in the morning, sometimes he nurses, mostly up to him... 

How we've been dealing with the night wakings:  I'm keeping a lunchbox next to my bed with 3 2-oz bottles of rice milk.  When he wakes, he generally requires that I pick him up, hold him in the rocker; we go through the ritual of me offering a bottle and him crying "mama mil" and shoving the bottle away with me holding down my shirt and telling him there's no more milk in the night, if you are thirsty you can have a bottle.  At which point he generally takes the damn bottle; I hold him for maybe two minutes and then tuck him back in.  He takes some sips and throws the bottle on the floor or leaves it to leak milk in the corner.

What that means is, although most nights he's still waking me like 3-4 times (what the fuck is up with that?!) I'm not spending huge amounts of time dealing with him, and more often that not, both of us go back to sleep.

Starting Sunday, I'm going to start diluting the rice milk, and I'm hoping a week after that I can just give him water in the night.  Also hoping to start holding him next to the crib and then, well, not at all.  But as it's turning out, the weaning and the wakings, although related, are two separate issues.

That's where we're at.  And this morning, after I boobed him at 6:00ish and still put him back in the crib, I was able to get up and do some things before kids woke up around 7:00.  That was new and different.

*

Next up:  some of the nonsense about morning drama with a 9-year-old girl and whether or not LG will do her own laundry.  Argh.

Spoke Too Soon

So last night was one of THOSE nights.  Tiny Boy woke for the first time around 11:30.  And despite going to bed at 10:00, I had some crazy fit of insomnia that lasted until about 3:30.  Certainly wasn't helped by the fact that he woke again at 1:00 and 2:30 or so and then maybe 4:30 or 5:00.  yeah.  I think maybe I got an hour and a half of uninterrupted sleep, plus about 30 minutes here and there.

So I'm functionally brain dead today.  But tried napping twice and just can't.  So I've been puttering around trying to do domestic things I'd like to get done before school starts (like, I still haven't entirely dealt with the filing cabinet mess since moving Tiny Boy into my home office) and doing the laundry.

And now I think I'm going to go to run a couple errands and then pick up a Tiny Boy and take him on a walk.  And shovel food in him like he's not going to eat for a week.  Or at least overnight. 

Fuck.

Operation Wean and Sleep

I finish summer school tomorrow.  And although I had delusions that grading would take like 10 minutes total and I'd be really done tomorrow, I have accepted that I'll need to wrap things up Friday.  I'd like things really finished, like desk cleaned (I never filed after spring term), fall syllabus ready to go, email sent to get the ball rolling for my administrative duties (which don't begin until fall).

I have two main projects for the next weeks:  (1) get Tiny Boy to sleep (or at least not wake ME) and (2) write in a sustained way.  The second, of course, is largely dependent upon the success of the first.

I am working on a plan.  Feel free to advise (though I will also feel free to ignore--too often sleep advice is dependent upon TWO FUNCTIONING ADULTS in the house).

1. I have purchased a toddler clock.  I'm hoping he likes it enough to OBEY.  We've been talking for a while about how the milk sleeps at night and will come back in the morning.  I also make a big show of pulling up his shades when I get him (even though it's been light for a while) and talking about waking with the sunshine.
2. Also, a toddler pillow.  He likes pillows.  He doesn't really have any sort of 'lovey' so I'm hoping maybe this will help.
3. I'm using some sort of "no cry" (or, really, "less cry") option, as he has STAMINA and I will not survive three days of no sleep, much less a month.  Right now we're only nursing in the rocking chair, and he's going back to bed pretty easily.  He seems to need to nurse for about 10 minutes; 5 minutes generally he says "NO" or doesn't go back to sleep willingly.  So I'm hoping the combo of the clock and cutting nursing times can get him to eventually not nursing.  I think I am willing to do it ONCE but that sort of depends on when his first waking actually is; this past week it's varied from 10:30-12:30, for no apparent reason.
4. Also, going to my mom's next week and maybe she'll be able to sleep in the same room with him and get him to NOT NURSE.  She's helpful for many things but so far not sleep issues, so we'll see...

 Anyhoo, wish us luck!

The One About Breastfeeding a Toddler

Apparently the last thing I need to do as a writer before MOVING ON from the whole writing about reproduction thing is dealing with the boobs.  Working on an alphabetically organized essay--it's good fun.  Checked out about twenty books through interlibrary loan, including something that turned out to be someone's PhD diss, which isn't great reading, but the review of lit is helpful.  All this is to say I'm thinking about breastfeeding in an intellectual as well as emotional way at the moment.  But here's where I spill the venty-I-don't-know-what-to-do stuff.

I didn't really plan on nursing a toddler.  I didn't not plan on it either.  I didn't really have plans, beyond I knew that I wanted to nurse for the first year if humanly possible.  And it was.  I went back to work--back to campus, that is--at 14 months, pumped until about 16 mo, and here we are at 18 (how the hell does that happen?!) doing a combo of breastmilk from the tap, formula in bottles and formula in cups.  Daycare would like him to be on a cup and while I agree in some ideal sort of way, in a very practical way I just want the kid getting calories DURING THE DAY thank you very much, so if he refuses the cup, well, he wins and gets a bottle as far as I'm concerned.  (I should say he's on formula because he doesn't seem to tolerate straight dairy and I see no point in trying soy as I'm allergic and I have huge qualms about soy products in general...and while I might be able to do something like almond milk or enriched rice milk as a calcium supplement, the child DOES NOT EAT AND IS IN THE FIRST PERCENTILE so I'd really like to get as much fat and protein in him as I possibly can.  Advice appreciated, as always.)

This is also one of the reasons I've let him continue sucking on me at night, although it is making me crazy.  (And this is how I know it's getting time to wean...it's more annoying than it is enjoyable, I'm tired of wearing a nursing bra, and I'm producing hardly any milk [which might have to do with weighing a grand total of 98 pounds again, but who knows])

I go round and round:  which feedings to cut first?  I'd rather not nurse at night, but if I can't get him eating more during the day, well, he needs calories.  It's easier to nurse during the day, it's also easier NOT to nurse during the day, as he's already taking bottles at daycare.

It is absolutely heartbreaking to hear him cry for milk and not have milk to give him.  For a while he was quite willing to take a bottle from me--he holds his own bottle, I just hold him--but now he shoves it away.  The exception is if he's nursed from both breasts and somehow understands he's not getting anymore from me so if he's thirsty he'd better just take the damn bottle.

So, in short:  I'm starving, he's starving, breastfeeding is annoying, the more I want to stop the more he wants to nurse.  All in all, a good problem to have, considering I weaned LG before either of us was ready.

Now I need to go eat something again. Talk amongst yourselves.

Not Sleeping, Weaning

I should probably just wait to write this when I have the energy to spin it out sufficiently.

Last night Tiny Boy woke at maybe midnight and was awake until TWO.  He nursed on both sides.  He drank a four ounce bottle of water.  I changed his diaper.  He was in and out of my bed and the crib; gave him tylenol (he can't have motrin as his surgery is scheduled in a week) and a dose of benadryl, as he's still (always) getting over a cold.  Then he woke at five, we went through the same crap again, although he fell back to sleep.

I think his sleep patterns are changing, and he hasn't figured them out yet.  Possible he needs less sleep overall at night, but why he'd wake in the middle of the night instead of just earlier in the morning doesn't make a lot of sense.  I also think we haven't figured out this nursing part-time thing.  My body has the oversupply mode and, now, apparently, in the absence of pumping during the day and skipping some feedings at night, undersupply.  Which is not a NUTRITIONAL problem, given that he's 16 months.  But he wants more milk than my body is producing.  And when he sucks on an empty breast, it makes me want to rip my nipples off.

I'm wondering if we should just be done with it.  I mean, I wouldn't mind nursing him at bedtime and first thing in the morning for a while longer...but there's just not the kind of milk that he wants.  Tonight I nursed him on both sides (and we used to be a one-side-at-a-time pair) and when he still wanted more I gave him a bottle of formula, which he happily drank.  (He needs to eat more FOOD but that's another story.)

Anyway, that's where we're at.  Four weeks left until SUMMER (?!)

The (Night)Weaning Thing

I'd hoped that the conference-going might help with the process of night-weaning and getting Tiny Boy to sleep in longer stretches.  Which it sort of did, but he immediately got sick (still with the ears and bronchiolitis).  But sometime last week I started trying to skip a feeding in the night; generally I'd feed him on first waking (10:00-12:00) and then try to tuck him back in for subsequent wakings.  Sometimes that worked, sometimes I'd have a baby who either didn't settle, or woke again within an hour.

Since coming home, my milk supply has been all over the place--from hourly let-downs during the day initially to now producing very, very little.  I'm completely done pumping.

This weekend was, well, weird as far as sleep was concerned.  Babysitter put Tiny Boy down late on Friday, and he didn't wake until 2:00.  That struck me as promising.  So yesterday, when he got a legitimate nap (Sat he didn't nap AT ALL), I kept him up for five hours between nap and bedtime.  I woke up at 2:00 am...and he was still sleeping.  He was still sleeping at 3:30 am--but I wasn't--and, stupidly, I decided to pull him out of bed and nurse him because I thought if I didn't he'd wake as soon as I fell asleep.  So he nursed.  And then woke every ~75 minutes after that, wanting to nurse, and I didn't really have enough milk and ended up giving him a bottle of formula at 6:30 or so.  And I never really did get back to sleep.

Lesson learned.  Let a sleeping baby sleep.

(Night)Weaning

So:  for the first time in my life I seem to be not producing enough milk for my son (during the day, anyway), as he takes more milk than I pump.  My supply has remained pretty constant since he's been in daycare...mostly about 9 ounces daily.  The lowest it's been is 7.5 (usually when I have my period), and the highest (rarely) is around 11.  For the past few weeks, as he's been eating pretty much nothing in terms of solids, I've been supplementing to get him up to 12 oz, either with my frozen stash or with formula.  (I know he doesn't need more than that, as usually he finishes the last couple ounces in the car on the way home.)

And he's now almost 13 months, and I go back to the classroom in January.  I'm not ready to wean him entirely, but I'd like (1) to stop pumping and (2) to cut night feedings (are you laughing now?).  I think these projects are equally important to me.  Stopping pumping seems easier, though.

Need to decide what to wean him to...toddler formula or whole milk or something else.  I don't keep milk in the house.  Or soy milk for that matter.  Not that I'm opposed to doing it for Tiny Boy, but the whole milk thing is a foreign concept to me, and it's not really clear to me, from repeated attempts at yogurt, if he tolerates milk in quantities greater than baked goods.  It seems to coincide with increased reflux and sleeplessness, but who really knows.

I really need to start this plan next week, as I'll only have two weeks before he's home with me full-time...and then two more before I'm back at work full-time.  Lay your suggestions on me, mamas.

(In response to a few comments, updated to add:)  I'm all too aware that sometimes milk allergic folks are soy allergic [LG had milk-soy/multiple food protein intolerance], and TB seems to have trouble with legumes, so I'm skeptical about soy.  The doctor suggested a toddler formula as a possibility because he's TEENY (17 lbs 10 oz at nearly 13 mo).  The combination of possible allergies and a need for high calories is sort of freaking me out.  The idea of continuing to pump indefinitely....hmmm...

Now This Is Weird

Lately I've been noticing that I have a flash of inexplicable, heart-racing anxiety.  Happens probably a couple times a day.

It doesn't start with me thinking about something.  It's purely a physiological response.  Like last night, I'm standing in the kitchen cleaning up and BAM there it is.

And then my milk let down.

I started thinking about those moments I need to pump and I'm not home and I get absolutely panicky.  And then my milk lets down.

I started thinking about Bionic's  observation about middle-of-the-night anxiety and night-weaning.

Just for the hell of it, I googled "milk let down anxiety."  Who knew this was an actual thing?!

Not sure what to do with this info...

My Life as a Cow

I am pumping more milk.

Like, when we started this daycare thing I was pumping generally 8 oz.  And then about 10 (and about 1 ounce of that kept coming home).  And now closer to 12 (though when I sent that much yesterday, he only drank about 9).  I'm pumping for basically the same amount of time and at the same times of day.

He still nurses like a fiend when I am available.  (And, heaven help me, I think his word for nursing might be "boop." Although I always ask him if he wants "mama milk," I have been known to say things like "I need to boob the boy" in his general presence.)  He seems to be eating more table food; apparently the kid likes carbs as much as his sister.  Graham cracker?  Apple cider muffin?  More!  More!  More!

So what's with the extra milk?  Is my supply actually going up?  Or is he simply taking less because he is, uhhh, starting to wean?

Milky Problems (II)

So I've got that conference coming up, and I still don't know what to do.  Some thoughts:

1. I counted a mere 13 packets of milk in the freezer.  To the best of my knowledge, they contain 3-5 ounces each.  So, let's say there might be 50 ounces of milk.  That's probably about half of what Tiny Boy would need over the course of 3 days.
2. Formula might be a possibility.  But (a) I don't want to risk him not taking it and (b) given that he may or may not have a problem with dairy (and he's had NO soy exposure, as I am allergic) I'm not sure I want to mess with it and introduce yet another complicating factor into an already complicated night-time situation.
3. But.  If I could manage to leave him, (a) I might sleep and (b) he might actually start the process of sleep training with his grandmother.
4. And the conference would be more enjoyable without the family tagging along.
5. But I would miss him and worry about him (yes, I miss LG, too, but she's 8 and, well, I've left her for conferences since she was Tiny Boy's age and somewhere around age 4 it stopped being A BIG DEAL).

Gee, this is almost as complicated as choosing an egg donor.

snort.

A Post About Breastfeeding

I.

So I assume some of you have heard about the controversy about an AU Professor breastfeeding in class.  The whole thing strikes me as problematic on multiple levels (and I should say by "whole thing" I do not mean solely Professor Pine's actions but also the students' and the discussion surrounding it) but it's started me thinking about the contexts in which I breastfeed Tiny Boy, as well as the occasions when I've brought my children to campus.

About the controversy (much of which has been said elsewhere):  (1) I do think choosing to bring a sick infant and nurse a sick infant in class was a DUMB thing to do, and I can't really imagine making that choice myself; that said (2) the academic and cultural climate in which she sees that as her ONLY choice is highly problematic.  I mean really...if sick childcare existed at her institution, she wouldn't have considered that option (I hope).  But (3) really....if students were offended, it seems they should have spoken with Pine first, then someone in Pine's department, NOT contacted the school newspaper. (4) It is true that the very problem that Pine ran into speaks volumes for the need for the kind of feminist anthropology class she was teaching in the first place.

And, (5) really, no I don't think infants, even healthy ones, belong in the classroom but see #2; Pine seems to believe that was a better option for her career than cancelling class, and that's mind-boggling but perhaps accurate.  I'm sure I had more to say about all this but Tiny Boy is yelling and needs to be rescued from the crib.

II.

I've been nursing Tiny Boy at daycare, usually in the morning and again when I pick him up.  I've also nursed him on an airplane, in restaurants, in front of female colleagues (at my house or theirs, NOT on campus), the children's department at the library and museum, at parks and probably a bunch of other places I can't recall.  I don't wear a giant cover up like my sister in law, mostly because if people find breastfeeding sexual, well, they're fucked up and fuck them, but also because Tiny Boy would draw MORE attention to the act by flailing about under all that fabric.  I'm not squeamish about it.  But nor am I going to do it in front of students or my department chair or while giving a lecture; really, I can't talk on the phone and nurse.

I don't believe in a hard and fast separation of professional and home life, especially as a single mama who teaches gender stuff.  I have brought LG to class, for instance (but NOT until she was 5, and I had no other choice, and I was reasonably sure she wouldn't interrupt, and only in very particular contexts [like when students are mostly working in groups anyway]).  I have also cancelled class, and not shown up for meetings, because my kid was sick, and I didn't really worry about the fallout for my career.  During one particularly bad semester (my first here year, when LG was under 2, ended up with ear tubes and then a trip to the cardiologist), she was sick on three work days; by the third, when it would have meant we were too far behind, I asked a colleague to sub.  I figure if my students are allowed to miss a few days because they are sick, well, in a real emergency so can I.  Because if my kid is sick enough to stay home, chances are we're at the doctor, or having a chest x-ray, or I've gotten too sick to go to school too.

But bringing a sick baby to school?  Wouldn't consider it.  Bringing a healthy baby to class?  Wouldn't consider that either.  But I sure would (and have) brought him to meetings with students in my own office while I'm on leave.  And waited, of course, until they left, and then closed the door, to nurse him.  Students don't need to see my breasts.  Even if I really need them to know (a) that I'm human, (b) women can work and have kids, and (c) sometimes that presents challenges.

III. 

I am not sure how to go about (and when to go about) weaning Tiny Boy.  I am currently in uncharted breastfeeding territory, as I stopped nursing LG exclusively at 7 mo and completely by 9.5 mo, as the combination of her allergies and my weight loss really made continuing untenable.  (I am about 103 lbs now, which was my weight pre-ttc and probably too low for a nursing mama; I was only 93 lbs then, despite eating pretty much nonstop).  I have no real desire to wean him at some arbitrary cut off like 1 year, but I also know that he needs to start (at some point) eating more food and less me.  Seems to me that perhaps I stop pumping at some point around one year and let him drink (cow, soy, whatever) milk when he's not with me.  But how to do that?  At what point is he just done?  For how much longer should he be tethered to me by the breasts?

He's going with me (well, the whole family is) to a conference next month, mostly for this reason.  I'll probably bring them pump so I can leave him with my mom for chunks of time, but that too is time away from the conference (which is, not ironically, on motherhood), the first conference I've attended since the week before retrieval (anyone remember THAT craziness?!).

I have no problem nursing a toddler, especially at bedtime.  But I'm guessing that soon even I won't feel comfortable nursing him in public, as he's old enough already to signal his desire to nurse by pulling down the front of my shirt.  And, really, in the end, how different is that from the situation Adrienne Pine found herself in?

Just musing.  Would love to hear what y'all think about this.  And now we will continue on our fake walk.  The living room is looking particularly lovely today...