Plans!

This probably won't surprise you, but I'm one of those people who likes making plans.  And resolutions.  And new beginnings.

I turn 40 in just about a month.  And in honor of that occasion, which feels like the beginning of a whole new era, I am (1) purging (in the home clutter, not bulimic, sort of way), (2) sending out new manuscripts, (3) finishing up old projects languishing on the computer (I found 3/4 of a double abecedarian and made myself complete it), and (4) SLEEP TRAINING TINY BOY FOR GOOD.

Ahem.

I've decided my strategy needs to be lengthening time between night feedings.  Cutting them cold turkey would result in screaming baby for most of the night.  Weaning to bottles just establishes another bad habit to break.  So last night, I nursed when he woke at 10:30 (I think I'll keep this feeding, or start it as a "dream-feed" to get him more calories), nursed at 1:00ish.  Ignored him at 2:00.  Nursed at 3:00, and this was a protracted thing because when I first put him back in the crib he screamed...when I gave him some more milk, he fell asleep easily.  Nursed at 5:00ish and 6:00, because I thought he was waking for the day, but SURPRISE he went back to sleep until almost 7:00.  So that was a minimum of 2 hrs between feedings.  I'll do that for another day or two and then go to 2.5 hrs and so on.  My goal is to have a feeding at 10:30-12:00 and then not until 5:00 (and eventually 6:00).

Yes, you can start laughing now. 

Tired Frustrated Confused

(or, my weekly whining session about sleep)

Because it was a Bad Nap Saturday (~1 hr 10 min total, instead of the 2.5-3 he'd have at school) I put Tiny Boy down by 6:30 last night and he was asleep a few minutes later.  Woke up around 10:45, squawked for a bit; I nursed him and we were both back to sleep.  Didn't nurse again until around 2:00.  Yay, right?

And then he was awake an hour later and couldn't fall back to sleep.  I gave him motrin in case it had anything to do with teeth.  Checked his diaper.  Finally rubbed his back until he fell asleep in the crib.  And he was still awake around 4:00 and around 5:00 and up for the day sometime around 6:00, although I ignored him for a while.  I'm that tired right now; I just couldn't manage to start the day, even if it meant listening to a baby yelling at me from across the bedroom.  And then I nursed him, gave him some toys, put a light on, stuck him back in the crib and ignored him some more.

I just don't understand what's going on.  The waking every couple hours to nurse?  That's likely a bad habit.  The waking every hour after he's started off great?  Well, that seems to be something else.  He's uncomfortable...and I just can't figure out why.

Tiny Boy Speaks!

I remember it being very obvious when LG learned a word.  At 10 months, she could say "mom-mom" (in a meaningful way), "at" (cat), as well as her own name.  Other words followed quickly; by 17 months she was speaking in "sentences" like "park, walk, bye bye."

Tiny Boy is more elusive.  Sometimes both LG and I think he said a word, but then he never does it again.  Or it changes.  We've diagnosed three different ways he says her name.  He says "mama."  He may or may not be saying "boop" when he wants to nurse; more often, it's a "muuuuh" sound or "mamamamama."  We think he says "da-die" for "bye-bye."  And "dat" may or may not be cat, and "ma" may or may not be the name of IVF Kitten (whose real name is, of course, NOT IVF Kitten).

But for real, without a doubt, he said "ba-ull" for "bottle" the other day.  I was holding him on my left and putting bottles together on the right.  And LG said "MOM!  HE SAID BOTTLE!!!!"  And then he did it again, and then he tried to flop over to nurse.  So that may or may not be his first word.

There's a brain in there!  And it works!

In Lieu of Actual Work

I'm having trouble this week getting work done.

And by "work," I refer to the book manuscript I am supposed to be working on.  I started a new chapter this week, and I think I am not ready to write it.  I think I need to do some more reading in order to take an article-length thing and make it a chapter-length thing, with a very different style.

And then there's the whole Tiny Boy Doesn't Sleep issue.  Not sure why he went those LONG stretches last week and now is back to the madness.  Like, last night, he was talking to himself at around 2:00 in the morning and then almost an hour later a cat came into the room and then he was like I want out of this crib NOW and as I went to nurse him AGAIN it occurred to me that he smelled bad and, yes, I had to change a poopy diaper somewhere around 3:30 in the morning.  And then he still woke up in the 5:00 hour to nurse.  I think.  It's all hard to remember.

And this week the JOB is also interfering with work.  I was at a meeting yesterday.  And I had to pick up refreshments for a reading tonight.  And then I'll have to drop them off today and then show up tonight to actually do the event.

And this has been the week of home-repair estimates.  Trees must be yanked.  Roof must be repaired.  Ceiling fans need to be properly secured so they don't freak me the fuck out anymore.  Yadda yadda yadda.  Yay for my tax refund.

I think now maybe I will take a shower.  And clean something.  And then maybe I'll have figured out something to write.  Just in time to go to campus.

My Life as a Cow

I am pumping more milk.

Like, when we started this daycare thing I was pumping generally 8 oz.  And then about 10 (and about 1 ounce of that kept coming home).  And now closer to 12 (though when I sent that much yesterday, he only drank about 9).  I'm pumping for basically the same amount of time and at the same times of day.

He still nurses like a fiend when I am available.  (And, heaven help me, I think his word for nursing might be "boop." Although I always ask him if he wants "mama milk," I have been known to say things like "I need to boob the boy" in his general presence.)  He seems to be eating more table food; apparently the kid likes carbs as much as his sister.  Graham cracker?  Apple cider muffin?  More!  More!  More!

So what's with the extra milk?  Is my supply actually going up?  Or is he simply taking less because he is, uhhh, starting to wean?

The Elusive Nap

I am not sure what to do about Tiny Boy and naps.

It seems to me that he is not biologically/developmentally ready to give up a morning nap.  When my mother was here, for example, he was taking hour long morning naps (in the stroller) and still taking 2-2.5 hr naps at daycare in the afternoon.  Now, granted he was seriously overtired, but still.  Then when he was home sick last week he took a 40-min morning nap (in the stroller) and only a 20-min afternoon nap.  Yesterday, he took NO morning nap and only a 30-min afternoon nap.  This morning, he fell asleep (in the stroller), woke up about 2 minutes later, clearly not comfortable; we nursed in the rocking chair and he fell asleep, then tried to roll over.  I transferred him to the crib and...no nap.  By comparison, most daycare days he naps for 2-2.5 hrs in the afternoon and occasionally 30-40 min in the morning; according to his caregiver, it's as simple as dumping him on the cot and patting his back for a minute.  No crying, no nonsense, sleeping baby.

So it seems to me the problem is not the need for a nap (and I don't really care if his naps are split across two) so much as not finding the right way to nap at home.  Did I mention that we even borrowed a cot from daycare?  Yeah, fun to play on, no interest in sleeping on it.

Right now he's up in the crib, crying, having almost fallen asleep nursing.  I figure if it works at night, well, eventually it should work during the day.  Except 5 days of the week, he's got a different routine that I can't possibly replicate at home.  Unless I can borrow half a dozen toddlers, too.  Grrr.

1:20 am

That's when Tiny Boy first woke to nurse last night.  That is, a full SEVEN HOURS after I put him down. 

I kept looking at the clock to make sure that was right.  And the breasts concurred.

I nursed him and put him back and then listened to him jibber-jabber in the crib for half an hour about that most amazing subject dadada.  Not sure if he was talking in his sleep, as he certainly wasn't protesting his incarceration.  Then, not a peep out of him until almost 4:00.  And then 5:30.  And then we snuggled and nursed around 6:30 and he might have gone back to sleep if I hadn't turned on the light.

Yes, folks, I am incredibly grateful to have an 11-month-old who ONLY woke three times last night.  And the night before.  And I know in writing this I risk it not happening again.

But even with the eye gunk and the cough, he's sleeping.  Is the Prevacid really working that much better than Zantac (it IS the kind of drug that takes a couple weeks to have full effect)?  Is it the new white noise box (I'd tried white noise on the laptop and that never worked)?  Is 17 lbs some magical sleep-in-longer-stretches baby weight? 

Whatever it is, I'll take it.

Sick Day

Well, Tiny Boy stayed home from daycare today, as he had the eye gunk and a fever.  Eye gunk turned out to be an infection of the eyelids, and he would appear to have some kind of virus to boot.  Which, of course, he has shared with me, along with some gnawed-on teething biscuits.

He's been in daycare I think a month now and has had two colds, a bout of diarrhea, eye gunk, and this new virus.  In his previous ten months he had two colds, despite having a school-aged sibling and being a teeny-tiny winter baby.  I am not looking forward to this winter.

He's been fever-free today, so my current plan is to take him to daycare and then have a sick day of my own  It might not be room service at a swanky hotel, but some goodies from the bakery, lots of hot drinks, my laptop and a not-really-for-work book sounds mighty nice.

But the best news?  He SLEPT last night.  Not sure if it's the new white noise machine or the illness or what, but he only woke three times (12:30, 3:30, 5:30) and didn't get up for the day until 6:45.  I'm desperately hoping for a repeat...

Insert Expletive Here

Umm, yeah, so I was carefully weighing all those great ideas y'all had

and then I got a call from daycare:

Tiny Boy has gooey eyes, which either means a sinus infection (ugh!) or pink eye (ugh!) but either way, we're staying home.

Cancelled reservations, can't take it back, done.

But I will think about a way to divide up my ice cream and my toppings and maybe have a deconstructed ice cream sundae some other way...

I do think the universe has it out for me.

I Like Ice Cream (a Metaphorical Pro-Con List)

I'm still trying to decide if I just take the kids and go to the conference, however challenging and stressful that would be.

See, I like ice cream.  Let's say, a full-fat, expensive carton of Ben and Jerry's.  I like Ben and Jerry's enough to make myself sick from a dairy overload.  I am not willing to eat a rice-based substitute that tastes like crap but doesn't give me a migraine or a stomach ache.*

That is, I was looking forward to the full experience of the conference.  I wanted to give my paper.  I wanted to go to sessions.  I wanted to hole up in a hotel room all by myself and do my usual conference-going things like painting my toenails and taking a long hot bath and ordering room service and then going to sleep (I mean I was even considering taking Valium just so I'd be sure to be really and truly knocked out, as I often don't sleep in hotels).

And now I can't do that.  I could have the half-assed, half-calorie version, where I do my paper and stay in a swanky hotel with my kids, which would mean letting random conference folk help out (yes, the hotel probably has a babysitting service of some kind but that would freak me out way too much to even consider) and LG having a blast while Tiny Boy and I sleep miserably, even more miserably than we do at home, not to mention the two days in the car with screaming baby.  Sounds fun, doesn't it?

Or I can stay home and be generally resentful that I'm not getting my carton of Ben and Jerry's.  The first carton of Ben and Jerry's since the week before egg retrieval.

Or I can take a friend up on her extraordinarily generous offer to try to "time-share" my kids with another friend (friend #2 hasn't yet consented to this) so I could go solo which is so FUCKING AMAZING and generous that it's making me cry but I can't take her up on that offer, even if it means SLEEP.  And if this were a real job-on-the-line professional event, I would do it, but it's not.  It's a carton of Ben and Jerry's.

Which leaves me contemplating whether I want the rice milk ice cream, just so I can say fuck you, I did it on my own.  And ice cream rarely tastes good with a side of spite, if you'll excuse all the metaphorical mix-ins.





* Yes, I eat coconut ice cream.  And love it.  But let's stick to the metaphor.

Blogotherapy (Crazy Sibling Edition)

Oh, internets, talk me DOWN.

I will say now that I will probably erase this post, as this is really one of those un-postable things in which I reveal WAY too much about myself (yeah, ironic, I know given how much you know about my ovaries).

So long story somewhat shorter:  I think I am not going to the conference this weekend, for reasons that really have nothing to do with me and Tiny Boy.  My mom was supposed to be my childcare and she can't because my sister is being my sister.*

That is, she's currently hospitalized for psychiatric reasons.

And I'm angry.  Like, seething fucking angry, which I realize is NOT the way one is supposed to act when one has a sister in the hospital, and I sort of hate myself for that.  But there's a huge pattern here that goes back, well, my entire life.

And having two children now I understand completely the impossible, absolutely impossible, position that my mother is in.  And I suppose in her situation I'd probably make the same choice.  And I know, I know, I know, that my mother has helped me in countless ways, including helping me out last week.  But the bottom line is, it is ALWAYS about my sister.  Even when it's about me, it's about my sister.  (i.e. My mother comes to visit because I'm having a fucking miscarriage and she gets a call about my sister.)

So my mom has proposed an absolutely STUPID plan, in which she watches the kids at her house (which is, like, five hours the wrong direction, which would add basically TWO DAYS of travel time for me to get to the conference and back) just so she doesn't have to make this choice.  And I get it.  I totally get it.  But I will not do that to her, myself, or my kids.  My sister wins.  The End.

It is probably worth paying $100 out of pocket for me to go see my old therapist.


*When I stop seething, I'll think about other ways I might be able to swing going.  But, of course, if I'd thought of any of those options, well, I wouldn't have asked my mother to watch the kids in the first place.

An Hour of Quiet

Tiny Boy is, I believe, asleep.

LG is watching Harry Potter at a friend's house and not expected back until 8:00 (which is her bedtime).

Laundry is laundrying. 

So I have an hour (well, about 50 minutes now) to MYSELF.

I could clean.
I could read.
I could watch TV.
I could make oatmeal cookies.
I could practice wet-into-wet for my watercolor class.

Hmmm.  I think I'll split the difference.  But start with the mess in the kitchen...

On Formula Feeding

Someone tell me why I dislike formula so much.

I mean, I really don't care what you feed your baby, but I hate giving my baby formula.  And I say that as a mother whose first kid needed the most extreme of all formulas, and drank the shit as primary source of nutrition until she was two.

Yes, that might have something to do with why I don't want to give Tiny Boy formula.  But, as I rationalized to A last night, he's not pure any more.  He's been tainted with all kinds of foods, including cinnamon bread.  And even my own milk has turned into quite a pharmaceutical concoction with the ambien and all.

But, I did it.  (Nutramigen, in case you were wondering.)  And I sneaked about 3/4 oz in each of his bottles for daycare, banking 4 oz of breastmilk for the freezer (in Tiny Boy's world, that's a whole bottle).

I'm not entirely sure I will follow through on the ditching-the-baby plan, but I'm taking some tentative steps...

Life on Sabbatical

If I were teaching this semester this would be just about midterm.  So I thought I'd take a moment to take stock of things and see how my sabbatical is winding up (or down?).

• Despite the whole NOT SLEEPING thing (not to mention Tiny Boy's surgery that happened the first week of the term, and the aftermath that lasted another following week and then not starting regular full-time daycare until nearly a month in) I've actually managed to stay on top of my writing deadlines.  I am not all YAY, MY CHAPTER IS AWESOME or anything, but I've churned out enough (not crappy) pages to be happy.  I've also done a good chunk of work on a conference paper that is also a revise-a-bit-and-resubmit that sounds very promising (deadline around Thanksgiving) and started a few smaller things.
• I think I've struck a reasonable balance between showing up for campus events (like a friend/colleague giving a talk) and staying the fuck out of the department.  Perhaps doing a bit more than I should, but I've also been on various forms of leave for a year, so I'm not completely burned out.
• I'm also aware that I want to keep this not-burned-out state, as I was incredibly angry (all that tenure debacle bullshit) and very tired (10 years as an assistant professor, across my two jobs, and then that whole fertility treatment + high risk pregnancy + new babyness) going into sabbatical.  So:  I'm probably watching a bit more TV and reading less than I "should," but, you know, by the time 8:30 rolls around and I've been awake for a minimum of 14 hours, well, I'm not really capable of coherent thought.
• I am having a very good time in my painting class and I really hope to carve out time when I'm not on leave in which to paint (which probably means giving up TV, but that will be okay).
• There's a whole lot of domestic stuff that doesn't get done:  i.e. I have a list of various home repair projects (a new roof!  tree removal!) that require simple phone calls I put off day after day.  My lawn hasn't been mowed since, like, July (it grows freaky slow, but still).  Other than during pumping sessions--hooked up right now--I really am trying to WORK during the day.
• I also had these great ideas like I'd get all Tiny Boy's pictures in albums and I'd de-clutter the entire house and clean the garage and cook all kinds of new things and, you know, mostly that stuff isn't getting done.  But I hardly feel like I'm wasting my time.  There's just only so much I can do.  And, frankly, that sort of scares the crap out of me for what might happen when I go "back to work" in the spring.  I mean, if I can't manage to call a roofer, how the hell am I going to grade all my students' work?  And am I seriously going to talk to my department chair about becoming an administrator for my major program?  Am I that stupid?  Perhaps I am.

But you know, I'm tenured.  I'm not in the throes of fertility treatment or pregnant (and when you add it all up, well, that's about half of the past decade).  I'm something resembling happy.  And really it will all be okay.  So long as I have a prescription for Ambien.  Sigh.

Milky Problems (II)

So I've got that conference coming up, and I still don't know what to do.  Some thoughts:

1. I counted a mere 13 packets of milk in the freezer.  To the best of my knowledge, they contain 3-5 ounces each.  So, let's say there might be 50 ounces of milk.  That's probably about half of what Tiny Boy would need over the course of 3 days.
2. Formula might be a possibility.  But (a) I don't want to risk him not taking it and (b) given that he may or may not have a problem with dairy (and he's had NO soy exposure, as I am allergic) I'm not sure I want to mess with it and introduce yet another complicating factor into an already complicated night-time situation.
3. But.  If I could manage to leave him, (a) I might sleep and (b) he might actually start the process of sleep training with his grandmother.
4. And the conference would be more enjoyable without the family tagging along.
5. But I would miss him and worry about him (yes, I miss LG, too, but she's 8 and, well, I've left her for conferences since she was Tiny Boy's age and somewhere around age 4 it stopped being A BIG DEAL).

Gee, this is almost as complicated as choosing an egg donor.

snort.

Night and Day

Well, last night sucked.  But today has been good.

I'm not sure if it's the Prevacid poop or the immanent emergence of tooth #4 but last night saw the return of the all night suckathon.  Really.  I could not get him in the crib at all, after he woke inconsolable a mere hour after going to sleep; after that, he wouldn't sleep without my breast in his mouth.  I let him CIO when he decided, despite a horrible sleepless night, that 5:30 was a reasonable time to start rolling over me and babbling and smacking the window.  After an hour of crying, we both slept for another hour, and LG was late for school (oops!).

I'm giving it until tomorrow and then I am (a) calling his pediatrician to discuss this phenomenon and perhaps getting a referral to a ped GI and (b) putting one or both of us on probiotics (anyone have experience with this?).

But it's a work day, and I have energy, and I've gotten plenty done.  1000 words on the book; plus another chunk on the conference paper; read and took notes for tomorrow's writing session; come up with a list of places to submit things that have been languishing on the computer for far too long; taken a walk; pumped twice; started a load of laundry and put away the previous two.

Things not accomplished:  renewing library books (stupid electronic system kept freezing up), bill paying (tonight!), washing breast pads (I use the utterly expensive and comfy wool variety).  I also collected some leaves that I'd like to paint, as I have not managed to practice for my painting class, so perhaps that will happen tomorrow.

Now I've got to cook something quickly and pick up kids.  I'm starting to crash...

The Paradox of the Older Child

Why is it that LG can be enormously helpful

and yet when she's not home things are a zillion times calmer?

Well, now this is shitty

Yes, I mean that literally.

Over the course of the week, Tiny Boy's poop has gotten increasingly disgusting and diarrhea-like.  And indeed, this morning I was looking at one of those mucousy green concoctions that landed LG at a pediatric GI's office and eventually on Neocate.

Coincidentally-timed virus?  Perhaps.  But Dr. Google confirms that poopy problems can arise from Prevacid.

You know, the drug that let my son sleep last night.

Really.

He went to bed at 6:45 (?) and woke for the first time at 11:30.  And then I don't recall hearing a peep out of him until somewhere around 4:00 (of course, he was in my bed, but that's another story).  If I am remembering this correctly, well, that might be the best he has EVER SLEPT IN ALMOST 11 MONTHS.

I'll give it another couple days.  And cram bananas down his throat.  But, please, don't let it be the medicine...

Something Resembling Sanity

Well, folks, my mama just left us.  I wish she could stay for another few nights, but she has a life, too.

I'm nowhere near rejuvenated but I also feel like I can go into tonight and be okay.  We talked about it, and while it would have been best for me just to leave and sleep in a hotel, I wasn't sure how it would go for Tiny Boy.  In the end, we took a compromise position that got us both some more sleep than we were getting.  I slept downstairs, my mom stayed with him, and she brought him to me to nurse.  Then around 5:00 am we ended up switching, and I managed to fall back to sleep until LG needed to get ready for school.

Some things learned:  (1) Tiny Boy really does have digestive issues of some kind in the night.  Prevacid is helping (the 40 minute stupidity didn't start until about 4:00 am, instead of the beginning of the night), but he's really gassy.  He actually ended up pooping around 3:00 in the morning one night.  Not sure what to do about that.  (2) My mom also confirmed his sleep patterns for me (and really I consider the past few days to be back to baseline for the most part):  he goes a roughly 4 hr stretch, then 2.5-3, then 2, and then all hell breaks loose around 3:00 or 4:00 am.  He's fussy, inconsolable, etc, nurses and still won't go back to sleep comfortably or easily. (3) He prefers to sleep in the crib, and, other than wanting to nurse, will go back to sleep with some mild back rubbing. 

And then there's me.  The main problem that surfaced in the past week was that my old insomnia coupled with the mommy sleep deprivation.  So I had trouble falling asleep and then once woken couldn't go back to sleep.  Ambien is not a great drug for me, though I experimented taking it different ways, at different times, and last night seemed to work best (taking it at 11:30, in one dose instead of halved).  I don't want to be on it long term, so I need to get in to see my primary care provider to talk options.

Need to get a bit of work done this afternoon... I'll let you know how it goes tonight.

Mama to the Rescue

When Tiny Boy wouldn't stop fussing last night at 10:30, after nursing, my mother rubbed his back until he felt asleep.  And then I did, too, doped up on Ambien, knowing he was safe.

And I'm sure she would have done the same at 3:30 except it didn't seem worth waking her.  We snuggled up and fell back to asleep.

She did put him down again at 5:00 and took him when he woke at 6:00 for the day, and I managed to sleep until 7:30 (having taken an illicit second 1/2 dose of ambien, which I figure is fine as I was prescribed half the usual dose anyway).

And now she's fake walking him so he can get in a morning nap before daycare.

Let's be clear:  I do not feel rested.  But that's probably the most uninterrupted sleep I've had since I whacked my head in July.  Mothers really are awesome, especially when you are almost 40.

Problem Solving for the Sleep Starved Mama

All kidding aside, I do think we've reached (I've reached) a crisis-level of sleep starvation.  Like, I'm aware that I'm doing everything in slow motion.  Even typing is challenging.  I probably shouldn't be driving a car at all.  So:

1. Tiny Boy's pediatrician called me back personally last night and called in a prescription for Prevacid (instead of Zantac).  We talked about melatonin, and she's reluctant to use it on such a small guy.  But she said if the Prevacid doesn't work we can talk about other things.

2. My mother is going to stay with us for "a few days."  I do think I want to check into a hotel, but I don't think I will if her solution is to let Tiny Boy CIO all night.  I say this because I think right now the goal needs to be doing whatever needs to be done to get us both more sleep, and the training can come a bit later.  He's also actively teething, might be getting a cold, and had a flu shot this morning.  So we'll talk.

3. I am still waiting to hear back from my ob/gyn's office about me taking ambien (and them prescribing me ambien).  While I don't really like it, I do fall asleep and stay asleep for about 6-7 hrs straight.  Which is less than ideal but so much better than I've slept in the past 10.5 months that it won't really matter.

4. I was planning on taking Tiny Boy (and LG and my mom) with me to a conference in a couple weeks.  Now I am thinking that if I can get a large enough milk stash (how much would he need, over about 4 days? 100-120 ounces?) I'll leave them behind.  Because that's 3 nights in a swanky hotel and I might just be able to relax (and self-medicate with valium or something if I can't).

Thank you for all your support.  It does mean a lot in those wee hours.