Small Good Things (New Year's Eve Edition)

1. LG's fondness for Burger King, which is (a) closer to our house than McDonald's, (b) significantly quieter than McDonald's, and (c) has free WiFi. While I am not ordinarily the go-to-a-playland type of parent, it's a good thing when one HAS to get a letter of rec sent off and home internet is too slow to convert the file to PDF.
2. Making snowflakes out of construction paper with LG. They are now hanging in our front window prettily.
3. Coffee. With caffeine. Even if it is from the Burger King.
4. Snow. And more snow. I really can't get enough of it.
5. A short Prometrium period. After the past two months of blood and more blood and more blood, I'll gladly take a 4-day light period.

Free Meditation CD!

On the one hand, I'm feeling all charitable as I'm going through my clutter and finding things to donate. On the other hand, this CD made me *cry* so perhaps it's an act of sadism that I'm trying to pawn it off on one of you. Nevertheless, if anyone wants an almost-brand-new copy of "Meditations for a Fertile Soul," it is yours. Just send me your actual name and address at gwinne [at] yahoo [dot] com and I will happily put it in the mail for you.

Random Bullets of Winter Break

• Lesson learned: I would make a horrible SAHM. After two days I made a schedule for LG and I to follow, including designated leave-the-house time. Basically, we're running errands in the morning and she's choosing something fun to do in the afternoon, after quiet time (which isn't exactly quiet when one is playing a xylophone, but I digress).
• Much watching of TV/movies for both LG and myself. We actually went to the theater and saw Alvin and the Chipmunks on Christmas Day. She didn't cry or need to sit in my lap, so that was a major accomplishment (usually we only make it 20 minutes into a film and need to leave because it's too loud or scary or...). I've been working my way through The Closer on DVD, which was a fairly arbitrary choice, but I'm enjoying it.
• Much game playing. Connect 4 is the current game of choice, followed by Bejeweled (on the computer), and Uno. She could play Connect 4 for hours, which is one of the major reasons I instituted the schedule, which also includes designated game time.
• Much decorating and eating of sugar cookies. We managed to eat about two dozen in a couple days. Now we're working on chocolate chip. Needless to say, I will be back on the diet come New Year's.
• Much reading. LG is working her way through the Magic Tree House series, among other things. I reread The Secret History for probably the 10th time. I also read Rapt, which is a nonfiction piece on attention, which I will probably write more about in a post soon. I'm going back to Ian McEwan until next week, at which point I need to read actual things to prep for my introductory lecture in my senior seminar.
• Minimal housework and taking care of random odds and ends that I have basically ignored for too long, like buying shoe laces so I can wear my brown boots and hanging a hook for LG's backpack in the entryway. Still need to replace smoke detector batteries, do major decluttering and such. That will happen when the girl is back in school, next week.
• I'd like to say I've completely forgotten about ttc, but I've ordered refills on drugs (Lovenox, Estrace, Femara, Ovidrel), purchased an OPK, and done the math to figure out I'll need to put myself on the pill if I want to cycle in early March, due to a badly timed professional conference. The LAST specimens of the other half of LG's DNA will be purchased this week. Then I'm done, done, done.
• Other activities include: trips to the library, ice skating, sledding, and the purchasing of a new fish, a Hanukkah present, aptly named Dreidel. He's a blue betta, and I hope he fares better than his predecessors.

Quiet time is over. Must put on new boots and shovel. More later.

Vodka Night

Dear Readers,

You are cordially invited to join me for the final Vodka Night of 2009. Self-destructive festivities will begin at approximately 7:30 pm. Share a virtual or actual drink. Here's to the end of a super shitty year!

Cheers,
g.

Silver Linings

A list, made mostly in jest, of the reasons it's better that I don't get pregnant this cycle. Because, let's get real, there is no silver lining to infertility.

• I can buy another bottle of vodka and get really drunk on New Year's Eve, or any other occasion in which it seems appropriate, until I cycle again in March
• I can blow off my diet any which way I want
• I can suck it up and get some new bras in the appropriate current size
• I could go ahead and get the black interview/conference suit I never replaced after pg #1
• I can do various home repairs like painting my bedroom (assuming I find the time!)
• I can get a whole lot of work done because I'm not driving to the fertility clinic (I suppose this has less to do with not being pregnant than it does with TAKING TIME OFF)
• It would suck to be hugely pregnant in the summer in an un-airconditioned house
• It's better from the whole tenure angle not to be on leave next fall
• If I get tenure, I could potentially have maternity leave and then sabbatical back-to-back, which would be fantastic (this, of course, assumes I manage to get pregnant at some point)
• I'll feel better about the plan to seduce my ex-something-or-other at an upcoming conference
• I haven't built up quite enough scar tissue in my veins, or my lower abdomen
• I have leftover Menopur, Follistim, Gonal-F, and Ganirelix--why should I let those good drugs go to someone else?
• Maybe Dr. Gorgeous has a not-pregnant-after-one-year consolation prize, along the lines of her IVF goody bag

In case you're wondering, yes, I have First Response evidence of a negative. Beta on Sat. Please, spare me the it-could-still-happen comments. I know it could. But I'm 90% sure it won't.

In the Box

LG was doing a project this morning that involved beads. It occurred to me that I used to have a bunch of fancy beads (in grad school, when I made earrings and such). I knew where the beads would be, if I still had them: in this fabric-covered box that has jewelry (I don't wear) and various odds and ends. Apparently I haven't really looked through the box in quite some time, like probably since around the time we moved (four and a half years ago!). What I found (in addition to the beads):

• unworn jewelry from pretty much every stage of my life (childhood stuff, the first grown-up stuff I received as Bat Mitzvah gifts, horrid dangly necklaces from high school, dangly earrings from college and grad school); most of it was thrown together in a plastic baggie probably two moves ago
• a pair of earrings that have been missing since 2001 that I still really like (I thought I only had one; the other one was in a different plastic bag of small odds and ends)
• a box of colored stones, including a worry stone I held compulsively my sophomore year in college
• some little worry dolls (is that what they are called?), I think from Mexico, given to me as a gift from an equally neurotic high school friend
• a little yellow rubbery alien, from The X-Files phase
• an envelope with clippings from LG's first haircut (2o mo)
• the hospital bracelet LG wore on her teeny-tiny wrist at birth
• the home pregnancy test I took at 12dpo with LG (they didn't turn all gross and yellowy back then)

I think I need to go through my bedroom closet more thoroughly. Who knows what else I'll find.

Don't Ask

(Which might alternatively be titled "On Hiatus, or, The Last TTC Post for a Good Long While.")

Yes, today was the big day. My debriefing/what to do next chat with Dr. Gorgeous, an uncanny exactly-one-year later. Even more uncanny, she was wearing exactly the same clothes. I remember this not because I pay too much attention to what my doctors wear (though perhaps this is true) but because it was unusually festive, involving a red plaid skirt (with ruffles!) instead of the usual black and gray ensemble. (Crazy Nurse was festive, too; they must be having a holiday party or something.) Oh, you want to hear about my uterus and not Dr. Gorgeous's wardrobe?

The lesson for the day is don't ask questions if you really don't want the answer. In this case the question was: so what was up with that freaky bleeding episode? The answer: well, this isn't going to make you feel any better but, probably, a really early loss. Me: there's no other reason? Dr. G: well, I mean, I can't say with 100% certainty, but, yeah, there's no other reason I can think of that anyone would start bleeding on that much progesterone without an implantation and then the hcg signal being lost. Me: I think I'm going to ignore that.

And that's when she started going through my chart to make sure that we have indeed done a RPL workup. (Yes, been there, done that, taking my Lovenox in an hour.)

Since I am going to ignore the reality/possibility of loss #3 (heck, that's what it felt like regardless of what she calls it anyway), I will turn instead to the more positive let's-get-pregnant part of the conversation. That began with her saying you've done the whole spectrum, tell me what you want to do. (Can I just say, once again, I'm so glad I ditched Dr. Evil this time last year?) I told her that the only thing off the table at this point is IVF. I told her that I'm torn: that on the one hand I want to be aggressive and on the other hand I feel like aggressive is not good for my body. In the absence of Volume 1 of my chart, I gave her the greatist hits of how I finally got knocked up with LG (3 natural cycles, 3 Clomid, 1 miscarriage; 2 Repronex, 1 Clomid, 1 natural). We talked about my stamina. We talked about what I'm going to do during January and February (she wasn't impressed with my work answer as a mode of stress reduction). She said I'm doing everything right and we haven't overlooked anything (but, really, I need to relax.)

We finally settled on going back to Luteal Estrace + Femara, which we really only tried twice (and one cycle did result in a pregnancy). I'm okay with that (though I have several months to change my mind), as I respond pretty well to it, and it's less intensive from the monitoring angle. She said, acknowledging that her tendency is to be aggressive, that we just have a bit of patience. Give it two cycles. Then add in low-dose injectables.

And hopefully, knock wood, fingers crossed, this is a plan that will never be set in motion. Crazy Nurse thinks I'll be back for an OB ultrasound in about three weeks. Dr. Gorgeous said, once again, perhaps I'll spend January and February gestating. There are, I suppose, crazier ideas than that.

Students, oh the students

Let me preface this post by saying loud and clear I like teaching. It's probably the main reason I'm in a university and not working some 9-5 job and writing at night. But, as it's exam week, let's talk about some of the ridiculousness, shall we? Some scenarios from the week:

• Multiple students emailing me questions about how to organize their final projects. The guidelines that are important are clearly spelled out on the assignment sheet (how many copies, what order, etc). They had multiple opportunities--as in, every class period since midterm--to ask me any other question they had. So what is up with the last minute email panic?
• On that note, one of my best students--I like this guy a lot--emailed to ask me if I'd send him another copy of the assignment sheet because, get this, he gave his to a classmate who hasn't shown up in, like, two months!
• A student who put her name on every page of her blue book exam, which sort of defeats the purpose of a blue book, which is anonymity!
• A student I'm writing a letter of recommendation for gave me his materials after one of his deadlines already passed. And I'm supposed to say how responsible and mature he is? WTF?

I think those are the prize-winners for the week. I am done grading the exams for one class. I have written one of three letters of rec. I still need to write two more letters, calculate grades for class #1 (yes, I'm an idiot who uses a paper gradebook), and do the grading for class #2 when it all rolls in tomorrow. In the middle, there's the Dr. Gorgeous Debriefing this afternoon...

Small Good Things

1. Hot chocolate. Now, the problem with hot chocolate, of course, is it requires milk. And milk and my intestines do not get along so well. But after much experimentation, I have figured out that if I use good cocoa mix (like Ghirardelli), a cup full of water, and the splash of creamer I'd stick in coffee, it has the right creamy consistency without the consequences. That makes me happy.
2. Latkes. LG and I made two different versions this weekend, one that is mostly vegetables (zuchini, carrots) and one tradtional potato-and-egg variety. Yum!
3. Exam week! I have more than enough to keep myself busy (three letters of rec for students applying to grad school, 40 exams and 26 portfolios [with a minimum of 4 essays in each] to grade and my own deadlines) but not having to go to campus and deal with people all day is just nice.
4. Prometrium. While I do prefer the estrogeny, energetic part of my cycle, this sleepy progesterone fog feels quite nice, given how cold it is outside. I just want to stay in bed and drink hot chocolate and read. At least, for right now, my progesterone level is where it needs to be.
5. An opening at the dentist's office. Now, really, I shouldn't be happy about this. LG and I went to the dentist yesterday and, in addition to getting chastized for not wearing my bite plate [I HATE THAT THING], an old "filling" popped off my front tooth when the hygenist was scraping at it. What's funny is that I spent many years being worried that that exact thing would happen at the dentist's office. It never did. The first filling lasted 20 years (I broke my tooth at age 8 and it didn't need to be replaced until after I'd gotten my PhD!) and the second another 9. Now I must get myself to the dentist so I can drink my coffee :)
6. Acupuncture this afternoon.

In Answer to the Question: What do you want?

Other than a baby and a book contract, that is...

At the top of my list would be students who are independent thinkers who can follow directions well enough that they don't need to ask, "what do you want?" because really, it's not about what I want. It's about doing good work. And taking responsibility for it. End rant.

I Do Not Have Seasonal Affective Disorder

Theoretically, I love this time of year. I love the cold and the snow and drinking hot chocolate and making cookies and snuggling up with a loved one to watch a DVD when it's too wintery to do anything else. I moved back from a southern state partially so LG could grow up with winter.

But for the past seven years this time of year has been marked by The Baby That Wasn't. If I largely chose to ignore that anniversary once LG was born, now that I'm back in the ttc trenches, it's there with me, all the time, but especially now. December 19 marks the anniversary of the D&C that officially ended the pregnancy. I'd known it wasn't viable at 6.5 weeks, finally had the D&C at 11.5, and I have no doubt that if I hadn't, I could have carried that pregnancy for many more weeks to come. My body was that tenacious; my RE said I was showing no signs of impending loss. So here I am, back at the anniversary of the bad time.

Last week it was easy to get caught up in the flurry of this IUI--it came on so fast (I don't expect anyone to do the math but it is only *3 weeks today* from IUI #8). But on Saturday when Crazy Nurse started talking how long did it take you to conceive LG? that was unmedicated, too? the andrologist really thinks THIS IS THE ONE, well, I just lost it, burst into tears with my feet in the stirrups, and I haven't quite come back. So this morning, a morning I really should take advantage of, as it's a designated writing morning, and the onslaught of grading can't begin until 5:00 tonight, I find myself with very little to say, other than I'm sad.

Back in May, even though I knew intellectually pregnancy #3 likely wouldn't make it, I imagined myself hugely pregnant now, wrapping up the semester. I have a good friend who is due two weeks before I would have been; every time I see her, it's a reminder. I'm so happy for her and can't wait to meet this little boy in a few weeks. And yet...why not me too? I think about the end of January coming, the possibility of me not only not having a newborn but also not being pregnant, and I'm just devastated.

Dr. Gorgeous, make sure the consult room has a new box of tissues on Thursday. I think I'm going to need them.

Signs

On my way to the clinic this morning, following the detour off the highway, which was closed due to the storm, I wondered if the universe was telling me this cycle wasn't meant to be (you know, because I didn't manage to read the more subtle signs of two cysts, a wonky lining, an elevated E2 level, and an early surge).

Then I wondered if the fact that I managed to get to the clinic, despite the detour, to learn that I do indeed have a mature follicle to go along with the two blue lines on the pee stick, meant that the universe is telling me I need to listen to my body, after all.

Then I got to hold one of Best Professor Friend's newborn twins. I rubbed her fuzzy brown hair for good luck. That has to mean something, right?

IUI #9, tomorrow at 1:00. Happy Hanukkah.

Anti-Procrastination Thursday

Things accomplished today:

1. Wrote some sentences.
2. Finished reorganizing book manuscript #1.
3. Read a large chunk of book manuscript #1 aloud, until the crying ensued.
4. Wrote cover letter for book manuscript #1.
5. Emailed revised book manuscript #1 to editor.
6. Emailed editor to inquire about the status of a manuscript accepted in June.
7. Emailed different editor to inquire about the status of a manuscript accepted in July.
8. Took an OPK. (Note to self: this is the problem with unmedicated cycles.)
9. Called a friend to deliberate what to do about the nearly-positive OPK.
10. Called Crazy Nurse to switch monitoring appointment.
11. Emailed former student about statement of purpose.
12. Emailed current student about appointment.
13. Revised cover letter for book manuscript #2.
14. Went to post office to mail book manuscript #2.
15. Called friend to see if she's up for company following monitoring tomorrow.

The kitchen is a mess. My desk is a mess. I can't quite sit still, but I'm not sure what to do.

A purely rhetorical question: why can't my body do ANYTHING according to plan?!

The Hole

There is a baby shaped hole in my life.

I tried to fill it today with a chai latte and marshmallow square. You can guess how well that worked.

I need to pick up my Ovidrel and Folgard from campus pharmacy today. I need to call the cryobank today. Usually these little tasks make me feel like at least I'm doing something about the baby shaped hole. Today--not so much. I haven't yet bothered to do either one. Instead, I'm sitting in my office, awaiting my final class of the semester, in which I will once again discuss a birth scene with my students.

This time seven years ago, I sat in my office day after day and cried and then went off to teach. I was in the middle of what felt like the longest miscarriage in history. Five weeks from start to finish, and then there was the mandatory three months of uterine and mental health rest. Loss was all consuming.

It still is. I suppose it doesn't help that I'm dealing with it as an intellectual project as well, as I get these two manuscripts, both of which deal with fertility and pregnancy loss, off to publishers.

I never imagined I'd be celebrating my one year anniversary with Dr. Gorgeous talking to Dr. Gorgeous. Can I just say I hate the third fucking Thursday in December? It's also the anniversary of my D&C.

I think it's fair to say that every month since May I've dug myself deeper into this hole. I don't know how much deeper I can go without ever coming back out.

Small Good Things (Last Week of the Semester Edition)

1. Tomorrow is my last teaching day for the semester! Woo-hoo! Now I will say that I will miss one of these classes quite a bit. But, still, my mind has been elsewhere this semester and it's good to be wrapping up and starting something new.
2. I emailed a big-wig in my field today, who once gave me permission to use his name in my query letters. I just wanted to make sure that's still okay (it's been a while), and he was so quick and generous in his reply. Manuscript #2 will be back out in the mail in a few days, with his blessing.
3. My right ovary woke up. I still wouldn't be surprised to find, well, anything when I go in for monitoring on Saturday, but I'm hopeful that there's a follicle on the right. And I conceived LG on the right (my miscarriages have both been lefties). Yes, I am a superstious freak.
4. After spending way too much time at Target this afternoon, I found a computer game that LG has been begging me for (she played it at school). That's her one real Hanukkah present, as mostly she's getting things I need to buy her anyway, or ridiculous little trinkets (barrettes and the like).
5. Oh, the bleeding, which Dr. Gorgeous decided is a product of my insanely elevated estrogen level from Follistim, has finally tapered to something less than changing a pad every hour. In all seriousness, I haven't bled this much since my D&C seven years ago. Pretty freaky, and I'm glad it seems to be wrapping up. I only hope that's the last of the blood I see for a good long while.

Random Thoughts

On the question of the December unmedicated IUI, of course.

1. I can't get pregnant if I don't try.
2. I did conceive LG on an unmedicated cycle (after trying injectables, I might add).
3. Injectables seem to have pretty nasty side effects (cysts, lining problems, E2 problems).
4. It will cost a lot of money and has a low chance of success.
5. A low chance of success is still better than no chance of success.
6. A December cycle works better with timing the rest of my life than January.
7. I'd get to cycle--and take a pregnancy test, and, if it works, have an ultrasound--before the dread due date.
8. I could distract myself from the significance of December 19 with positive, sticky embryo thoughts, instead of morose dead baby thoughts.
9. My lining might not be in optimum shape, all things considered.
10. My body probably isn't in optimum shape, all things considered.
11. If Dr. Gorgeous only cites cost as a factor for not doing it, then it's probably not medically unadvised.
12. If I were not using donor sperm but had a male partner, I could very well get pregnant just by having sex on my cycles "off."
13. I won't get pregnant if I don't try.
14. I might get pregnant if I do.
15. What, in the whole scheme of things, is another $1,000?

I think I've made my decision. I'm not all gung-ho about it. I wouldn't be surprised if I go in for monitoring and there's no follicle, or my lining is still messed up and I can't cycle. But it seems stupid not to try. Care to weigh in?

Question for the Night

Would I be completely crazy to try an unmedicated IUI this month?

The cycle I conceived LG I was benched due to a cyst/elevated E2 level. I asked my RE if I could just try a monitored/unmedicated cycle and she said, well, you know, that could work.

She was right.

Small Good Things

1. Not so small: I am a sane, responsible, high-functioning, professionally accomplished adult. This is a good thing to remind oneself when one's sister is back in the psych ward and unable to care for herself, let alone a child and a home.
2. Good cheap red wine from a local winery and dark chocolate.
3. A clean bathtub (yeah, I'm the one who had to clean it, but now it's clean and I plan to actually bathe in it, with some lavender bubble bath).
4. A Bug's Life, which LG watched this afternoon while I did laundry and the bathroom.
5. The new Star Trek movie, which was exactly the kind of mindless entertainment I required last night (though I could have done without the sobbing [mine] during the early childbirth scene).

I have a feeling you're going to be getting a lot of small good things posts in the upcoming weeks. They're what I'm holding on to...

The Morning After

First, a thank you for all the recent comments and support. I really appreciate it, as I'm working all this stuff through and trying to figure out where to go from here. This is sort of rambly, but I'd appreciate any observations you have.

Well, the reprieve from the bleeding did not last. After about fifteen hours of *nothing*, it started up again, with a vengeance. I think, N and Sprogblogger, that's a good thing. I really didn't need the mindfuck of my period coming 5-6 days early and then stopping altogether, making me question whether or not it's actually my period. As far as I'm concerned, the only good that can come of this at this point is clearing my body of hormones for a couple weeks and hopefully a quick resolution to the E2/lining/cyst problems.


I need time off from this project. In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have attempted that November cycle, with the huge lining problem kicking it off, but I needed to cycle again before I turned 37. I don't regret doing it, but clearly it wasn't right from beginning to end. So here I am, taking a cycle "off." Originally, I was planning on taking Dec-Feb off anyway. Now, I think I'll try for Jan, if Dr. Gorgeous is okay with it, still take Feb off, and then go for March. I'm not sure about this, but my gut reaction to being told I can't do something is to find something new that I can do. Giving birth in late September/early Oct (I hope!) would close out two years of ttc from beginning to end. That's pretty much exactly what I had with LG, as well.

When I look over my timeline, it's becoming increasingly apparent that I can only cycle every other month. I'm not sure what that's about, but perhaps instead of getting mad every time it happens, I should just accept it for what it is and only plan on cycling every other month. And if for some reason my body is ready sooner, so be it.

A month ago, I was so gung-ho about this follistim plan. Now I don't know. Maybe Femara (with pre-cycle Estrace) really is the way to go (I did conceive, and that was a picture perfect cycle from beginning to end). But I keep thinking about what my first RE said, after I got pregnant and miscarried on a clomid cycle. She wanted me to do injectables, I wanted to go back to clomid. What she told me was if you'd gotten pregnant and STAYED pregnant then we'd say Clomid worked. What if there's something to that? What it's not just a coincidence but I don't make good embryos with Femara?

On the one hand, I feel beaten by this process, absolutely astonished that it's taking this long. That I will most likely be going into a fourth semester at school still doing cycles. That's incredibly stressful in itself. I feel like I've "wasted" so many months of work, focusing on this stuff, at the moment I need to be focusing on work as I'm coming up for tenure. I'm not saying I regret any of this, it just seems like a lot of energy expended on a project that is going nowhere.


But then there's the other part of me, the part that remembers it took **10 cycles** to conceive LG (and I started at 29!). When you count the IUIs I've actually done, I've only done 8, plus that IVF. Perhaps this January cycle, if I do it, will be lucky number 10 again.

Then I'm worried about what Dr. Gorgeous might say at our consult, that she'll say no to January, or no to Follistim, and want to get even more aggressive (though I can't imagine what that might look like). This is the first time she's "summoned" me to see her; usually I just make an appointment when I have a question or issue that can't easily be worked through with the nurses. I'm scared, mostly, that she'll say she thinks this is the end of the road for me. And what if it is?

I Do Not Fucking Believe This

I stopped bleeding.

The Evidence

Before

Right ovary: quiet
Left ovary: 2 large cysts
Endometrium: 13 mm

Still bleeding. Heavy period bleeding. (Where is all that blood coming from if there's that much left?)

Other blood spinning in the lab. I have no idea what this all means, but it is evidence of something.

After

E2: 144
P4: 8
bHCG: <2

Dr. Gorgeous has absolutely no explanation for why I'd start bleeding so early. She wants me to come in for a chat before I cycle again. Not sure when that will be.

December 19 is the anniversary of my D&C for pregnancy #1. Pregnancy #3 would be due in January.

I'm just... crushed.

Small Good Things Before the Appointment of Doom

(One would think that I would be massively freaked out or depressed about all these major life goings-on. Oddly, I'm not. Perhaps it's denial. Perhaps I'm whacked out on hormones. Anyway...)

1. Snow! Our first (albeit pathetically minimal) snowfall of the season. I live in a place that historically has snow as early as October. This year? The evening of Dec. 3. Despite the minimal amount (like, not even covering the ground), LG, who rarely wears a coat, decided she required snow pants, boots, the whole get up, and almost missed her bus.
2. Leftover pizza for breakfast. Yes, it's making me feel pukey (one of two things that makes me think Crazy Nurse might be right). And yes, I will pay for it later (headache, digestive problems), but it was definitely necessary to order a pizza last night (after LG went to sleep) and devour it and eat it again this morning.
3. A cc'd email from my chair, requesting that a new colleague talk to ME about a particular project he wants to undertake. Too often in this big place I feel quite small and powerless. Nice to be acknowledged for what I do (even if it potentially means more work!).
4. Organic sanitary pads. Yeah, given how much I'm bleeding, I'm glad these things exist. I used to use the regular ones and then about four years ago my body completely rebelled against them. As in, insane allergic reaction. I should tell Dr. Gorgeous to keep some in those pretty baskets in her bathroom.
5. One more week of classes, plus exams. I have never needed winter break as much as I need this one (please don't remind me that it's a week shorter this year!).

And now I am off to have my uterus examined...

Update from the Land of Sanitary Pads

Yeah, I'm bleeding. A lot. Like, I wonder if I actually will end up in the ER.

LG is having one of those crappy days when I tuck her into bed as soon as she gets home from school and has a meltdown. Which is making it somewhat difficult for me to, you know, stay in bed, like a good fertility patient.

There's also some unexpected drama with my sister, which makes all of this blood sort of pale in comparison, which I suppose is a good thing.

The nurse I talked to today thinks I'm pregnant (oh-kay) and can't come up with any real explanation for why I'd start bleeding at 9dpo (on gobs of progesterone, that is).

Tomorrow, I might be starting Follistim for an unexpected December cycle, or I might be panicking over another likely-to-fail pregnancy. Think good thoughts for me around 10:00 am (though at this point, I'm not sure what a good thought would be).

I sure hope 2010 gets better...

In Bed

At the moment, I'm in bed, with my laptop, a sleeping cat, a cup of decaf, and the phone. It has occurred to me more than once, as it did after transfer, that my house is less than ideal for bed rest. It has one bathroom (upstairs). The kitchen is downstairs. Then there's LG, who requires me to go up and down stairs quite a bit, even if I am prepared enough to hole up in the bed.

I'm not sure why I'm doing this, other than I can (except for a meeting in a few hours), and take it easy and put your feet up sounds like code for bed rest. Or perhaps couch rest. Still, it seems useless, especially since I bled more last night lying in bed than I did all day yesterday. I'd be stunned if I turn out to be pregnant. On top of the bleeding and the cramping, there's the negative HPT (early, yes) and the follicular activity. I fully expect that I could do a baseline monitoring appointment on Saturday, after a negative beta tomorrow. Ordinarily, I wouldn't start bleeding until Monday or Tuesday. Damn. Why is it I'm constantly getting hit with the thing I never saw coming?

Deja Vu

Still bleeding. Bright red. It stopped for the bulk of the day, but after I was doing my typical hop-around-the-classroom-Oprah-style afternoon it started up again. Heavier. Dr. Gorgeous, via the nurse, said to take it easy, put my feet up, drink a lot of water, wait it out until my pregnancy test. But if it gets significantly heavier or painful to head to the ER. Great.

This is all eerily familiar. My first pregnancy announced itself not with two lines on the stick but with the same kind of bleeding. Three days later, it was a full on, scary, blood all over the sheets and bathroom floor bleed (that was 15dpo). After they ruled out an ectopic, my doctor gave me a bunch of progesterone samples and told to take it easy, put my feet up, drink a lot of water. Ultimately, that turned out to be a "blighted ovum" that ended in a D&C at 11.5 weeks. A tenacious little fucker, despite the bleeding.

I spotted with LG, too, but later, around 5 weeks, and it wasn't quite as dramatic.

It's 9dpo. And either this is just a problem, or a pregnancy with a problem. Either way, I'm not liking it. Not sure when I'm going to test. Beta on Friday or Saturday...

Spotting

Shit.

Thought #1: Lovenox.
Thought #2: I never spot on heparin. (Hell, I'm not even bruising from it this time). I have historically spotted from baby aspirin. No more.
Thought #3: Implantation spotting. Which I have NEVER had.
Thought #4: Progesterone problem. I'm on supplements (400 mg/day), but it was on the low side (23) on Mon.
Thought #5: I guess this is when I call Dr. Gorgeous.

Grrr.

All the Rest

A disclaimer, before I get going: I am still quite grateful for my list of 37 and the many other big and small good things in my life (mostly, health, LG, family, friends, having a job). That doesn't mean I can't get pissy about things sometimes, and that's how I'm feeling right now. Some things that are going on that make me crabby:

• Students plagiarizing papers. I made a huge speech in my class yesterday, a class with a clump of suspected plagiarists, clarifying the academic integrity policy of the class and asking people to come forward if they had violated the policy. The result was a good THIRD of the class emailing to ask me if I suspected her/him of plagiarizing. SO NOT THE POINT.
• This damn cold. I think the old one was almost gone and a new one came to take its place, but snot is running down my throat, and that's just nasty.
• A colleague in another unit (whom I've never even met) taking advantage of my generosity in doing her a favor and asking me to do it again.
• I forgot to renew my car's registration (which expired on my birthday), which means spending time at a government branch office to write them a check, now with a ten dollar late fee. Dumb dumb dumb.
• Too much email from students (see #1).
• Apparently LG has a field trip today. I would have liked to have been notified before yesterday of this event, even if it is free. Perhaps I would have liked to accompany her?
• I'm just feeling OFF. Not pregnant. Just OFF. I fully expect a negative beta on Friday or Saturday, whenever I choose to get my blood drawn.