Theoretically, I love this time of year. I love the cold and the snow and drinking hot chocolate and making cookies and snuggling up with a loved one to watch a DVD when it's too wintery to do anything else. I moved back from a southern state partially so LG could grow up with winter.
But for the past seven years this time of year has been marked by The Baby That Wasn't. If I largely chose to ignore that anniversary once LG was born, now that I'm back in the ttc trenches, it's there with me, all the time, but especially now. December 19 marks the anniversary of the D&C that officially ended the pregnancy. I'd known it wasn't viable at 6.5 weeks, finally had the D&C at 11.5, and I have no doubt that if I hadn't, I could have carried that pregnancy for many more weeks to come. My body was that tenacious; my RE said I was showing no signs of impending loss. So here I am, back at the anniversary of the bad time.
Last week it was easy to get caught up in the flurry of this IUI--it came on so fast (I don't expect anyone to do the math but it is only *3 weeks today* from IUI #8). But on Saturday when Crazy Nurse started talking how long did it take you to conceive LG? that was unmedicated, too? the andrologist really thinks THIS IS THE ONE, well, I just lost it, burst into tears with my feet in the stirrups, and I haven't quite come back. So this morning, a morning I really should take advantage of, as it's a designated writing morning, and the onslaught of grading can't begin until 5:00 tonight, I find myself with very little to say, other than I'm sad.
Back in May, even though I knew intellectually pregnancy #3 likely wouldn't make it, I imagined myself hugely pregnant now, wrapping up the semester. I have a good friend who is due two weeks before I would have been; every time I see her, it's a reminder. I'm so happy for her and can't wait to meet this little boy in a few weeks. And yet...why not me too? I think about the end of January coming, the possibility of me not only not having a newborn but also not being pregnant, and I'm just devastated.
Dr. Gorgeous, make sure the consult room has a new box of tissues on Thursday. I think I'm going to need them.
God, I know. Anniversaries, important days that are less meaningful than they should be, just because we're trying so hard not to focus on the things that hurt so badly. Thinking of you, and wishing you a happy, pregnant, New Year.
ReplyDeleteI know how painful it is to have a living breathing reminder of what might have been. It's just brutal.
ReplyDeleteHoping #9 does the trick.
LFCA
I know you wanted this so much... I am so sorry. :( Sending you love and hugs, and hoping that 2010 brings you so much more than 2009 has.
ReplyDelete