Untethered

Well.  The part of the year I have come to love the most is the blip of approximately the first two weeks in May when the semester has ended but kids aren't yet out of school.  Of course, this year LG, as college freshman, was off for the summer before me.  And May seemed to be more full of obligations than usual.  But I did things.  Work things. Domestic things. Fun things.

Tiny Boy is now off for the summer, which will mostly consist of camps 9-3 pm, with a few half day options (as basketball, this week) and a couple weeks completely off for travel and such.  Yesterday around 4:30, after Tiny Boy had been picked up, I found myself wandering around the house uncertain about what I should do.  I've been experiencing some version of this untethered unfocused feeling for a while, and it's certainly connected to both the breakdown of work/life boundaries since COVID and also Tiny Boy getting older, just old enough to be mostly left alone but also still young enough that he has a million and one demands and the ADHD tendency to interrupt every three minutes.

All this is to say I don't really have a routine, and when I don't have a routine I flounder and don't do much and feel both overwhelmed by the undone and also aimless and bored because I'm not doing anything.  And because this week is somewhat of an anomaly (the half day camp) it also doesn't make a lot of sense to explore some kind of major new routine because it won't be long lasting.  But also....the hours between kid pick up and bedtime always exist, and me working while Tiny Boy is home is also a thing that happens relatively frequently.  So I should make a less-than-optimum-but-doable plan.  (Yes, this is me mostly thinking on the electronic page, but observations are welcome!)

Not Everything Sucks

I just forced myself took the opportunity to do a review of summer activities which, interestingly, did not differ a great deal from my summers of years past, other than the lack of even a weekend getaway and no real swimming (okay, this is big).  There was ice cream making, a beach day, blueberry picking, movie and TV watching, time with kids, art making, writing, reading, house tending, etc.  In some ways these small things matter even more than they usually do; I'm also somewhat disturbed that so much of summer could go on, business as usual, with a pandemic.  

I am currently sitting in my garage (door open) to supervise Tiny Boy and friend who have co-opted all available shade in the yard.  At least I'm facing some plants and not the messy shelves.  LOL.

Tomorrow is back-to-work in some kind of technical sense.  Tiny Boy has four more days of camp; we're going to try for a beach day on Friday and then.... something resembling school.

Something Resembling Optimism

First:  Kamala Harris!!!!!!  So while she was not my top contender when she was running for the nomination--and if I were going on policy alone, she would not be my top contender now--I am just thrilled.  I spent a good chunk of the evening scrolling twitter (in a good way) and just being delighted by pics of her and Biden looking HAPPY.  Something resembling optimism, folks.

*

Tiny Boy continues to enjoy camp.  He was going to have today off, as he has an app't with a pediatric specialist (update on an old problem, nothing new), but the app't isn't until late afternoon, so we can leave at 2:30 and still be early....so he's going.  This time has been so necessary.

Thus:  I have said this before, but I really don't think that folks have talked enough about the psychological/social ramifications of the pandemic for the children.  When you are 8, 6-12 months (or more) is a good chunk of your life.  Camp has reminded me what Tiny Boy is like in a normal version of himself.

Having nixed Montessori and our friends' "micro school," I have now moved onto the homeschooling + in home tutoring/childcare combo.  I'll let you know if I come up with a workable plan.

I Interrupt This Regularly Scheduled Pre-Fall Pandemic Angst

The last week of camp (and therefore childcare) AMAZING.  I picked up a happy kid four days in a row, with only the most minor complaints about safety (i.e. the day it was raining and they had to eat indoors--distanced, I've gathered--Tiny Boy still didn't want to take his mask off and therefore didn't eat much lunch).  I signed him up for the third (and final) four day week, which will bring us to the "school year."  It occurred to me that it's likely if there is a COVID exposure, it's likely we'd know this toward the end of camp, or even after camp.  So I will charge forward.  In all the conversations about school opening, I'm not hearing enough, frankly, about the psychological ramifications of keeping young children home with stressed out working parents and endless screentime.  Schools NEED to be open, at least for some kids (to this point, it looks like our usual before-and-after program might be opening a school-day facility in the community center to supervise online learning.  I'm on the fence but did request more info).

This has also been a week of socially distanced gatherings for me, including cocktails with a colleague who lives in my hood, family dinner with friends we've had since LG was in preschool (single mother by divorce) and their teen suggested a school "bubble" for the two of them (yes, please), badminton gathering with another colleague + her spouse who have been friends since my grad school days, and today blueberry picking with a single friend I've had for eons.  This is A LOT of socialization for me but there will be very little once the semester hits.  Other than the masks and the need to sit halfway across a yard from people, this is pretty great.

In these last weeks, I'm also trying to check off domestic tasks on my list, like organizing the basement (aka stack of crates from when we moved in) because given the amount of time spent in the home, it is helpful overall to my mental state to have an organized home.  (Method:  I started with a 30 day challenge courtesy of the interwebs, and then deleted tasks irrelevant to my home and added the necessary ones.)

I'm also spending what feels like a lot of money on semi-necessary things, like new sheets (all but one set has holes from cats), a toaster oven (I spent too long looking at fancy ones before LG reminded me that we like ours, it's just ancient and no longer works, so therefore we have a new 4 slice Black and Decker for under $40), school/office supplies, and books.  But since I've been saving money in the form of childcare, gym membership, and monthly massages I think it all comes out pretty even...

Off to get ready for the blueberry farm!!

Notes from our Staycation

So glorifying this week with the name "staycation" might be going a bit too far.  It's really a normal pandemic week minus the paid childcare.  In order not to be resentful of the lack of childcare, I took the week off.  Here's what we've done so far:

• Tiny Boy and I went to a local "beach" area 
• Tiny Boy and I went to our local small zoo
• Tiny Boy created a "water park" in our backyard with an inflatable baby pool (maybe ~5 diameter?) and a sprinkler; I read a book with my feet in it
• Tiny Boy and I have watched Star Wars movies nightly, and I'd never seen Attack of the Clones before and now I want those two hours of my life back
• I wrote one 750 words stint anyway, because I felt like it
• LG and I worked on our current puzzle*
• I painted my nails blue
• I made orange sherbet
• Tiny Boy and I went to the local ice cream place that is always better in theory than in actuality, but still it was great having ice cream I didn't make
• We had foil dinners in the instant pot, which I will definitely do again, because everyone made their own packet (mine was chicken/potato/green bean/cheese/BBQ sauce).
• This weekend the kids will have their sleepover do over, and I will hide in my room, which is not the same as when I imagined this summer last year and the possibility that I could have a night in my own home by myself for the first time since early 2011

It's raining today, so I think I will get to the cleaning-the-house portion of my list.  Bye now.

*The general absence of LG can be attributed to teenager, and also low grade sickness/quarantine due to COVID possibility, but since our tests came back neg, mostly just teenager...

Something Resembling a Staycation

My summer sitter is off this week, so I figured I might as well embrace it and pretend it's VACATION which we'd often do around mid-July anyway.  Given that I was on sabbatical and kids have been home since mid-March, there wasn't even really a major shift between "spring semester" and "summer."  I know folks who have gone places, like airbnb but that wouldn't be appealing under the best of circumstances, and I really have no interest in being anywhere that isn't my own home right now for long stretches of time.  Some plans:

• I set a passive-aggressive AWAY message on my email because there is no away when the office is one's home and there's no place to go;
• mostly puttering around and letting Tiny Boy have the week "off" from educational activities (which is highly ironic because he started doing French on Duolingo and has been reading to Grandma over zoom.  whatever);
• cooking stuff (I made orange sherbet.  And basil lime grapefruit sorbet.  OMG so good)
• picking up library books (AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!);
• taking Tiny Boy to the local "lake" or other outdoor areas we rarely get to;
• reading for "pleasure," which means fiction;
• watching movies (last night we did Empire Strikes Back)

The kids were going to have a "sleepover," and I procured a lot of candy and treats to that end, but.... LG has a sore throat (and a good amount of hypochondria) so we ended up getting COVID tests.  Awaiting results.  But sleepover is on hold and LG is mostly upstairs in the bedroom, which is what teens like to do anyway.  Sigh.  Hopefully this Saturday.

The Summer Without a Summer Fun List

For the past many summers, I have constructed--with the kids--some version of a summer fun list.  They have been virtually identical from year to year, featuring such activities as making ice cream, trying out a new ice cream parlor, listening to music outside, swimming, beach days, baseball, picking berries, etc.  This year we didn't make a list.  We've still done the things we likely would have put on it.

The difference, for me, is that this summer seemed to create more space to do nothing.  Weekends included plenty of time for being home.  For yard work.  For Tiny Boy to go out and play in an unstructured way.  For me to sit around and read.

And, you know?  I think I liked this better.

Summer--finally! (and miscellany)

• For the past couple weeks I've been living in a weird limbo between spring semester and summer, with teaching done and grades submitted, but lingering administrative nonsense and professional development type things that meant my days were so full of human contact and appointments that I couldn't even make it to the gym.  That's not to say there weren't pleasurable moments (I got my hair cut on Weds, which involved a scalp massage, and I've been reading fiction) but I felt like I couldn't quite relax and definitely couldn't start All the Summer Writing and Reading Plans.  I mean, I haven't even articulated All the Summer Writing and Reading Plans.
• Thursday, which was the first day I didn't actually need to be on campus in I can't tell you how long, I had what I think of as A Day of Sloth.  I watched a good chunk of the current season of Killing Eve.  I read some stuff.  I cleaned some stuff and generally puttered around and fed my children and took Tiny Boy to baseball, where I read some more and looked up to watch him bat.  Friday more of the same, including watching Killing Eve while walking inclined on the treadmill, which left my glutes so sore that I can still barely walk (oops), and a massage that had been rescheduled because I actually forgot to show up to an appointment the week before, because All the Work.  Then this weekend I actually did not need to think about work or even check email, so although I had a colleague from work over for a glass of wine, that's because we are friends and mostly talked about non-work things.  I took Tiny Boy swimming with a friend from his class, whose mother I am starting to like, which is nice, because she might be the kind of friend who could just come over and drink a glass of wine while kids run around in the back yard, and it is nice to have those, as I didn't mostly when LG was young.  All that is to say, good weekend.
• I have been reading all the things I want to read, including Claudia Rankine's play The White Card (brilliant!), Tracy K. Smith's poetry anthology American Journal that I ordered for class, Ross Gay's delightful Book of Delights that I will also end up using for class, Meg Wolitzer's The Wife (I have not yet seen the movie with Glenn Close but want to).  I also started Maria Kuznetsova's Oksana, Behave! which wouldn't have come across my desk but for a work thing, and I'm enjoying it mostly, though it's not really my kind of fiction.  Oh, and Daisy Johnson's book Everything Under which also mostly wouldn't have made it on my radar but I got it from a friend and was immediately drawn to it.  Books.  Good.
• Today I am still going back to campus, but I think this is THE LAST MEETING for a very long time.  And I am making a mental note to make actual physical notes of all the job-related things I do over the summer when I am not actually paid to do them.  Including this meeting.

Letting Go

It's Tuesday, and I haven't yet made my to do list for the week.  It pretty much boils down to (1) write, (2) keep my kids alive, (3) move forward with the home repair.  Of course these are all multi-part projects, with many moving parts.  There's a lot that's not getting done.  I'm spending a lot of time worrying about LG, for reasons I'd rather not talk about, even here.  I have moments of complete paralysis.  I'm also making some choices about things I'm not doing, including

• planting annuals (I like the way they look, but that's one more thing to maintain)
• any yard work in my backyard (it's completely out of control, and I need to hire someone to do big things, so I'll end up spending $1000 or so to weed and re-mulch the whole thing [there's no grass]; once I made that decision it seems pretty obvious that I'm not being charged per weed, so why bother doing anything right now)
• going to LG's away softball games (I go to the home games)
• giving a shit about how much TV Tiny Boy watches (to a point)

I'm acknowledging that I have a finite amount of time and energy.  I'm trying to not beat myself up about what's not getting done and focusing on what is.

*

I'm also still experimenting with mixing up writing times/places.  I managed to produce about 500 words in my actual office on campus, but it was painful, and I don't really want to do that anymore.  I also ran into my department chair, and now she wants to have a talk.  Oy.

*

This Does Not Bode Well

Like the beginning of summer, the end of the summer is a malleable thing.  My contract officially started Aug 15 (though I do not yet have a contract for the admin work I've been doing).  Classes begin Aug 30.  Public school begins after labor day, though LG's university-run program starts, well, when the university starts.

Yesterday I went in to work to start dealing with the nonsense.  I was in the office for a grand total of maybe 87 minutes.  But by the time I left I was stricken with that stress-crazed feeling.

I was supposed to meet the tech guy to get stuff off old computer and onto some kind of network drive (this isn't my personal stuff, but has to do with student-run publication I oversee).  We share a lab with another group.  Did not occur to me other group would be in the midst of multiple skype conversations on a weekday afternoon when school is not in session.  It was loud.  Crazy frantic.  Tech guy finally rips out hard drives (literally) and we proceed to my office to have a conversation about WE NEED A BETTER SYSTEM THAN THIS.  Yes, please.  Turns out this was the guy I needed to have been talking to all along, not his boss, who has not given me much of anything I need (and my tech needs are minimal.  like, please can we have a functioning website sponsored by the university?).

As soon as tech guy leaves--and I'm supposed to be on the phone with student editor--my dept chair comes in and says oh by the way here's this call for proposals the dean would like by early September.  WTF?  (To my dean, not my new chair, whom I think I like very much.)

I woke up at 3:30 to some small sound of Tiny Boy's* that did not require intervention and then I was AWAKE until the morning.  I suspect this is not unrelated to the previous, and the fact that we begin department business with a 'retreat' (good lord) tomorrow and I am dreading absolutely fucking dreading whenever it is that I have first contact with the batshit crazy junior colleague.

I'm just going to keep telling myself that I AM NOT DEALING WITH THIS SHIT IN THE SPRING.**  I AM NOT DEALING WITH THIS SHIT IN THE SPRING.  I AM NOT DEALING WITH THIS SHIT IN THE SPRING.

Thank you.





* again, we do not wish to put this in print, but the dude is sleeping like 11 hrs a night and mostly through the night in his own bed, thank you very much.

** yay for grants! yay for writing books! yay for minimal coming to campus!

The End of Summer

It's the time of year when Xykademiqz publishes her lovely graph on academic summers.  (Love it!!) And indeed, I either start work in a week, or in three, depending on how one counts these things.

When I block out the fact that I did a ton of unpaid work in June and July (that is, for my admin job, not for my own research) and the drama that went along with that work, it's been a great summer, largely focused on building some good writing routines, cleaning up around the house, and spending time with my kids.  We had some good adventures and 'family fun' times:

• trip to Vermont, including a Ben&Jerry's factory tour
• going on a cousin's speedboat (this is SO not my thing, but LG had a blast being pulled in an inner tube, and being on the lake itself was lovely for everyone)
• swimming in a lake (see above)
• taking kids to the pool on Friday's after daycare/camp
• annual blueberry picking expedition
• making ice cream in our ice cream maker
• trying out all the new ice cream places in town (yes, a theme) including our new Whole Foods, which has lots of good non-dairy options (mojito sorbet, yes please!!)
• attending town events (art festival, jazz festival, folk festival coming up next week)
• dinner at one of our favorite places with a balcony, overlooking downtown
• scrapmetal festival where LG made a metal taco
• Art museum
• big zoo w/ giraffe feeding
• outdoor concerts on campus
• dinners with friends
• today, a trip to the Lego Discovery Center
• trip to a water park (another one coming up)

Although weekends often stress me out due to the lack of break (the problem of being a single parent), I made a concerted effort to be on 'kid time' during the summer weekends, and to employ LG when I really needed to get away for a walk (I pay her $1 for a 15 minute childcare stint, on top of her regular allowance).  It's helped that I'm not anxious about undone work.  And I'm hoping to maintain some of the real leisure time of weekends during the academic year because my first class is Tuesday, rather than Monday, this year, so there's not the Sunday frantic time.  And if there is, I can always go back to hiring a mother's helper for a few hours on Sun (I might do that anyway).

It's going to be a crazy, crazy fall for me.  I have two conferences in October, and a book deadline of Oct 1.  I already have requests for letters of rec.  I will be supervising I think four independent projects for undergrads, plus my two student interns (for the work that they save me, they also require supervision, so it's a wash time wise), and grad students.  So I need some systems in place...

Random Bullets of Summer So Far

I did not mean to drop off the face of the planet.  Although the pace has slowed (yay for summer!) there's still quite a lot going on.  In brief:

• My job has not gone away.  I ended up having a good (generous, helpful) conversation with my dean about the high drama.  He came up with a strategy to deal with the immediate problem, though I suspect we'll need to have another conversation about long term implications.  His door is open, though, and that's really all I could ask for.
• Day 1 of interviewing for this position is done.  I just wrote 13 rejection letters (there's about 40 left to go...and this is for a one year gig--this is the sorry state of my profession).  One of them made me really sad to write, and if I were really in charge I wouldn't have needed to write it (this guy has multiple books out and is applying for one year gigs--again, this is the sorry state of my profession).
• Looks like my co-edited collection (in the works since Tiny Boy was about 10 pounds) might actually get a contract.  I've been chipping away at revisions, which I have promised the editor by early July.  Very exciting, as it really is a project I believe in and believe should be out in the world, even if working on it has been an utter pain in my ass.
• LG is enjoying softball.  Tiny Boy and I have been having a lot of picnics during softball practice.  This is a good thing.
• I have been devouring Orphan Black which is not so good for my sleep.  Soon I will run out of Orphan Black episodes to watch and I will force myself to go to sleep at 10:00.
• I am contemplating getting a membership at a local athletic club.  The monthly fee is higher than I would like, but not so much so if I stop going to my regular yoga class (which I was contemplating anyway).  This would be a major life change that requires more analysis than I am capable of on minimal sleep.
• I've had three (?) days in the past week or so that have royally sucked from the sleep angle (both the variety where I can't fall asleep until like two and conversely the variety where I wake up at like two, neither of which amounts to much).  I think there's probably a hormonal component here, beyond the stress and Orphan Black components--perimenopause sucks--so I will get myself back on prometrium and see if that helps.  Thankfully Tiny Boy is still mostly sleeping (last night he was the reason I woke up at just past three) but it's still no fun.

Updates at the Beginning of Summer (For Real)

Well, after my book request post, I mostly took the week off.  The days sort of blur together at this point, although I know on Monday I got my hair cut and watched 1.5 movies (Creed and Carol), Tuesday I lost the middle chunk of the day watching my friend A's daughter who was home sick, Wednesday I'd been awake since 3:00 due to Tiny Boy relocating about 15 times in the middle of the night.  Over the course of the week I finished reading Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project (I'd read it before, but the time felt right) and Everything I Never Told You.  I made strawberry cupcakes and banana bread.  On Friday I assembled an old-school reel push lawnmower, because we've lived in our house for almost 11 years and we've never had a lawnmower (I have mostly borrowed our neighbor's, and paid for lawn service last year); while our lawn is so tiny it's 5 minutes of work, the needing to ask the neighbor was stressing me out.  I also started a summer work plan, which isn't solidified because our vacation plan isn't solidified (involves other humans), but I was pleased to see it wasn't insanely long.

One thing I wasn't planning on doing was just added back because that co-edited project I've been working on for four (?) years came back with a fantastic review, but there's some work we still need to do on it before it can proceed to contract (but it sounds like it will proceed to contract, so yay!). It's the amount of work I think I could do solo in a couple weeks, but will probably take longer due to collaborative nature of the project.

Anyway, this is good news, because I've been encouraged by both my department chair and a senior colleague in another dept who is turning out to be something of a mentor to go up for promotion in the next year or two.

And then came Friday...my dept chair wanted to talk, which I don't like doing on the phone, so I went to work (I needed to get some stuff anyway).  Turns out my insane junior colleague sent an email to our dean--I didn't read it, but I got a glance while my chair was summarizing, and it was quite long--in which she alleged I was "microaggressive" toward her.  On the one hand, the racial politics of this is so ridiculous I feel like I'm in a David Mamet play.  (This is not to question the very real issues of racism in American universities, or even potentially on my own campus.  But good lord.  Most of the writers I teach are women and/or writers of color.  All but one of the student interns I've hired have been women and/or students of color.  I write and teach about issues of race.  Etc Etc Etc.)  On the other, this is how operates, and I should have seen it coming.  Any disagreement--and of course we're going to have disagreement--is not about intellectual, aesthetic, pedagogical or any other issue--is because she is a person of color and junior, and I'm white and senior.  She's been doing this for two years, and it's the major reason I'm quitting my [admin] job.  The only thing new here is contacting the dean instead of going after me directly.  

I'm not sure what I'm going to do here, or what I can do, but I sent an email to my chair--after taking xanax and drinking probably more vodka than I needed--saying I need to step off the particular committee in question, even though that will mean more work for someone else.   I think really that's the only thing I can do, which is also stupid, because she wins.  But no matter what I do she wins.  That's the way she's structured this game, which, I think, really has to do with the fact that she hasn't published what she needs to publish for tenure (maybe because all her energy goes into writing nasty emails--no I'm not the only recipient, and most recently she's gone after another woman of color, and our dept secretary, who has no power whatsoever--instead of working on her book.)   So I've also contacted our "faculty excellence advocate" who deals with these sorts of issues, and happens to be the mentor mentioned above.

It looks like instead of starting summer writing projects tomorrow, I'm at least partially going to be dealing with this.  Oy.

Summer Plans

My students turned in final projects today.  My plan is to turn grades in on Friday, which means fitting them around meetings or giving up my morning writing time, which feels likely at this point.  I have a massage scheduled for 2:30 tomorrow (amen!) and it would be really awesome to be done by then.  I'll see.

Although student-related projects will be done soon, this semester will drag on for a few more weeks, due to the search committee and some other smaller administrative projects.  I did, however, tell my chair I'm done as of December.  I said I might be willing to come back again, but that's dependent on personnel issues (i.e. if my crazy colleague gets another job and leaves, or doesn't get tenure and leaves, I'm happy to reprise my role).  In the meantime, I'm applying for a different admin position...I don't know that I'd want it if offered it, and I suspect that there's already someone in mind, but writing a letter of intent felt like a good thing to do.

*

All this is to say that I haven't done the summer planning I usually enjoy doing.  I've put some movies  (i.e. Oscar nominated films) on hold at the library, and they'll trickle in over the summer, so that's a plan related to leisure.  I'd also like to do art in a more strategic way (making art supplies more accessible might be an obvious way to do this?).  And I think I want to take a barre class and see how that feels.  I'll take the kids on a couple trips (at least one smaller trip to see family and to celebrate nephew's first birthday, a weekend/driving trip involving the beach, and something involving the extended family).  I'll read some books (I feel like maybe starting a book club again might be something to do?) but haven't figured out a reading list (I have a long backlog!).

For work, I have two smaller projects that need to be completed immediately (an essay that was solicited that is in messy draft stage, and edits on an essay accepted for publication) both due May 15.  And then I want to pick up the book projects related to the grant I have for next spring.  I'd like to be able to use the grant time in a focused way, so hopefully this summer I can deal with the what-the-fuck-am-I-doing messy second draft sorts of questions.  Mapping out a weekly plan is critical, but before I get there I think I need to figure out camp-and-travel schedule so I know how many work weeks I actually have.

And before all this work happens, I need to take a week off.  And just clean my house and cook stuff and veg out.  Because you know, summer (even if I still need to wear a winter coat).

Early August

It would be very easy to make a narrative of this summer that says It Sucked Bigtime.  My mom has cancer.  My newborn nephew spent more than two weeks in the NICU.  I've needed to spend more than I wanted on home repair.  And way too many wasted daycare hours on doctors appointments. But as I said yesterday, this summer has also been full of many good things.  Some highlights:

• I finished a book manuscript and submitted it.
• I reviewed proofs of my book coming out in November.
• I had more days of good sleep than bad sleep.
• We took a trip to Baltimore, including the National Aquarium and Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum (not my thing, really, but LG had a blast).
• I read some good books, including The Way We Weren't, Sleepwalking, The Children Act, The Argonauts.
• I watched some good movies, including Still Alice, The Imitation Game, Interstellar, and The Theory of Everything.
• I watched seasons 2 and 3 of Orange Is the New Black.
• I introduced LG to The X-Files.
• I cooked some stuff, including Justine's totally yummy no-dishes-needed vegan chocolate cake.
• I made caramel today (there might not be any in the house when the kids get home.  It is that good).
• We picked blueberries.
• We went swimming.
• We went to the farmer's market and ate food truck fare.
• I took the kids to some local places I remember fondly from childhood.
• We made it once to Hip City for reasons other than medical appointments.
• I took Tiny Boy to some kid events, like last night's Touch-a-Truck thing, and story hours.

I could keep going, but it's a really lovely afternoon, and I have about 90 minutes before I pick up kids.  So back to work it is...

Summer Triage

I don't like traveling much.  I don't sleep well, I don't eat well, I get migraines from airplanes (altitude?).  I live far enough from a major airport that most trips require a layover (or I could drive 1.5 hrs to a bigger airport, but that doesn't generally save much time).  So travel days are lost days. And then there's the cleaning and packing and all the stuff that happens before...and then after.

We were just out of town.  And then we're leaving tomorrow for my mom's surgery and potentially the birth of a new nephew.  So more cleaning and errand running (town library, campus, bank, oil change).  I'm not sure how long we're staying.  So I've made a list of phone calls I can make from anywhere, and relatively short work stuff (email, syllabus revamping, article review) I can do if kids are occupied and my mom is doing okay.

It's feeling like there's not a lot of time left this summer.

And what is left is full of doctor's appointments, including three for Tiny Boy at the Children's Hospital.  I've lost the week LG was going to be doing Camp Grandma (unless it ends up being rescheduled for the very end of summer, but I'm not counting on it).

So I'm in triage mode, trying to focus on what's most urgent and meaningful.  And fun.  Yesterday I took LG to a new (to us) place for lunch, which ended up being about a two hour production.  It's a place I've meant to go for several years, so I'm glad we did it.  We likely won't be going back (too long a wait!  too loud!) but the food was fantastic and it was a good diversion.

Much to do before we leave.  And then I hope my mom's surgery goes well and Tiny Boy sleeps relatively okay (he usually rooms with her, which isn't going to happen this time) and LG is moderately well behaved.  And if my new nephew would show up while we're there, well, that would be just fine.

On the Cusp

Well, I lived through the crazy of last week* and am now on the cusp of summer break, which seems like a ridiculous thing to say given that it was snowing days ago.  But indeed.  I have one week of classes and a week of exams, and then I can call the semester done.

So I'm thinking about what this summer looks like, as I am mostly done with all my big writing projects, which means starting sparkly new ones in earnest.  And I haven't really had sparkly new projects in eons.  I'm not quite sure how to do it.  So putting together a reading list and planning to have lots of quiet walking around and just thinking time, because while I have ideas I don't have anything in terms of a structure, as the one thing I think I've ruled out is straight chronological narrative.  And assuming we get the sleep thing straightened out**, I should be able to get a lot done.






* To give you a taste: on Thurs I prepped for class, had lunch with a visiting poet, raced to class, raced to my office to box up some books, raced to her talk, picked up the box of books which I [stupidly] lugged across campus, picked up kid #1, fed her, picked up kid #2, dropped off kid #1 at ice skating, left kid #2 with babysitter, went to undergrad event, left [early] to pick up kid #1 [late] from ice skating and came home to kid #2 who was still awake at 10:00.  oy.


** Last night, Tiny Boy only called twice 1:00ish, and 5:00ish, and I slept so deeply I had a dream within a dream, featuring the Artist and Dr. Gorgeous, though I couldn't recap the plot if I tried.

Happy Sunday

Today was good.  Really truly good.  And it was one of those proverbial "light bulb" epiphanies that what made all the difference was SLEEP.  And I'm not even talking good sleep by pre-Tiny Boy standards when, insomniac nights aside, I could rely on 8-9 hrs.  Last night I fell asleep a bit before 10:00, woke with him around 11:30 [and stayed awake for close to an hour] and then around 3:30 and that was all.  He was up for the day at 6:30, which is so much better than 5:00.  I felt rested.  I can't even imagine what I'd feel like if I got more than 3 hrs of uninterrupted sleep.

*

We had a big breakfast.  Toast, hash browns, eggs, juice, berries.  LG and I ate a ton and Tiny Boy ate potatoes mostly. 

Out the door to the neighborhood park by 9:00, home by 10:30.  I made an early lunch, put Tiny Boy down for a nap just before noon. 

I putzed around the kitchen, swept the floor, finished commenting on student writing for tomorrow...and finished The Interestings (finally!).  At 2:20 or so LG and I woke him up so we could meet a friend at the pool.

She swam with her friend while I let Tiny Boy splash.  He had a few moments of sheer terror but mostly he enjoyed himself.

We came home, I popped him in the bath to clean off the sand/chlorine/sunscreen scum, and ate dinner.

I'm not really doing it justice here...the whole day was just nice and calm, without me worrying about things or just trying to muddle through to get to the next SLEEP.  The only new glitch (this has been going on for several days now) is that Tiny Boy doesn't want to go to bed at night.  It involves crying and, generally, me going back in to console him.  Tonight I put an exhausted boy down at 7:15 and was back twice because he wouldn't stop crying.  Finally went to sleep after 8:00.

*
I don't know what else to say except, wow, what a difference a bit more sleep makes.  Please, I'd like some more.

Meta Planning

Strange week, this.  Enough time for some relaxing but not enough time to really do much meaningful, what with the grading and the prepping for summer school.  Making lists of things that need to get done, things I'd like to do.  Put the toys back in the basement, organize Tiny Boy's clothes, make good iced coffee, figure out a writing plan.  A reading plan.  A plan for LG's camps and such.  Much to plan.

Yesterday I just crashed and watched a few hours of TV on hulu and wrote in my notebook.  I seem to have caught some version of LG and Tiny Boy's latest illness.  And I've got a low grade migraine simmering.  And no access to real drugs (don't know if I even can take the good stuff, what with the boobing and all).

I have to say the (not)weaning is making me crazy.  Seems the more determined I am to cut him off at night the more determined he is to suck on me all night.  He pulls up my shirt, sobs muhmuh mi or something like that while flapping like a bird (he used to make the actual milk sign and now it is generalized flapping in my direction).

So where was I?  Tired.  Headachey.  Not getting enough done.  A bit overwhelmed. 

All in all, not bad, I suppose.  But I'd like to stop stepping in smooshed graham crackers and legos.

We're Back!

• Quebec is a lovely city.  I would like to go back there.
• It is difficult traveling with 10 adults (one of whom is disabled), 1 child, and 3 infants.
• As a result, various people (including moi) had meltdowns at various points.
• I am beyond tired.  More when I have something else to say.