The Thwarted Sabbatical (and other academic musings)

Our semester here is wrapping (tomorrow is the end of 'exam week') which means it is the official end of my "sabbatical."  Our university allows for one semester at full pay, or a year at half pay, every seven years.  (My last sabbatical was taken when Tiny Boy was ~9 months old.)  Because I'm a single parent the thought of living on half my salary was....well...not workable without giving up a good chunk of savings, which I wasn't about to do (note to future self:  if sabbaticals exist in 7 years, take the full year regardless.  Teach summer school for a couple years to save $$ for it.)  I have spent time every day since the stay-at-home order spiraling through the feelings of being overwhelmingly grateful that I (a) have a job that is paying me to work from home, (b) do not need to be emergency online teaching right now [beyond a few independent studies and grad students], and (c) really angry that what is not only a true *benefit* of my employment, which is the time needed to finish a book so I can go up for promotion, has been taken away.  As we've all been talking about, sustained intellectual work just isn't happening with kids home.  The end.

Two things happened yesterday that have me feeling a bit encouraged:  I looked at my beginning-of-semester plan and found that I have made reasonable headway on projects.  Not nearly what I'd hoped to accomplish.  But reasonable progress, particularly under the circumstances (and given that I spent the first month or so prepping for a job interview).  I think if I can keep up, minimally, my hour-a-day (courtesy of LG) focused on my main writing goals, I'll get enough done by the end of summer to feel okay.  If I can figure out some kind of 'real' childcare arrangement, several more hours/day would be possible (I really max out of intense reading/writing capability after 4-5 hrs/day).  I just "finished" a chapter (of academic monograph) so before diving deep into a new one I'm going to pause and knock out some shorter things and regroup, so I can call it done.

The second thing is that I sent an email to a colleague in the college (another dept) who has served in an advisory role to the dean in recent years, who I found out is also on sabbatical and also experiencing the effects (she's married, and her youngest is a high-schooler so not exactly the same personal situation, but she had planed substantial travel for research that was just taken away).  We're going to talk today on the phone about approaching the dean for some sort of 'redo' situation or summer pay when the world reopens and I can have childcare (I'd settle for a semester w/out teaching....I know a full-on redo isn't happening). 

A bit of optimism.

In unrelated news:  I slept 8.5 hours last night and feel really good, and I wonder if I've just been operating slightly sleep deprived and cranky, on top of everything else. 

AND while I know you medical types can't officially give me advice, I'd take your opinions with more than a grain of salt.  I haven't had my broken tooth examined because doing so would require either seeing a dentist out of network and/or driving a great distance (like 1.5 hrs/each way) to have an x-ray to determine IF it's an emergency that needs intervention, which is completely circular logic, but whatever.  To my mind this isn't a capital "E" emergency but pretty urgent (about 1/5 to 1/4 of my front top tooth is missing--not in PAIN but discomfort, affects speech, beyond the cosmetic).  I'm terrified of the risk but at some point this just needs to be dealt with....

What Do I Want? (And Sabbatical Thoughts)

I was up last night spinning with existential angst.

Okay, that's a slight exaggeration.  But I did have trouble falling asleep and woke up early as I was turning around the question What Do I Want?

I did make the list of finalists for on campus interviews for that other job.  (Not it seems the other job at my own university, which would up the angst substantially, but not disrupt my children's everyday lives.)  Although I think it's highly unlikely that I'd take the job if offered, I still think it's worth going on the interview; all the preparation has been a useful--if still unresolved--intellectual exercise in exploring what do I really want to do, what do I find meaningful in the job that I have, etc. etc.  And there ARE conditions under which I'd take this job if offered, because it is in an IDEAL location.  (That is, I see no point in applying for a comparable position at a university located in a place I would never ever under any circumstance fathom moving.  Been there. Done that. Now I have kids.) 

I've been reading a book on negotiation because I suspect I will need to negotiate, having NOT done that well the last time around (the salary offered was higher than the salary I was earning, and, well, I was stupid).  I just got a raise here (a substantial raise, but one that still just puts me in line with my colleagues) but if there is space to negotiate I should.  Because that big raise might not ever happen again, and I have years of being underpaid to make up for.  But I'm also exploring things other than salary that would (a)  make me take the new job, because location is not enough and (b) make me stay at my new job.  This will require a lot more thought, so I'd welcome your perspectives.

Money:  to move, I'd need an absolute minimum of $15K over what I'm making now, because cost of living would increase.  That would not be the deciding factor, but a minimum.  I don't know what's reasonable to ask of my current employer, but I think $5K would do it.

Other things I'm mulling:  student worker and/or GA line; additional course release; summer salary; a way to get out of the overload I'm theoretically doing next year; promotion (if offered the other job, I'd want to go in as a full prof, given my publication record and experience).  Especially for you academic/admin types, any advice or ideas?  This book I'm reading suggests imagining an ideal....and I just can't.

*

So sabbatical:  yup, great in theory, very tricky in practice.  I am doing administrative and teaching (honors thesis) work, which means I can never really be OFF.  I'm trying to remember as much as I can that there is a specific outcome tied to sabbatical (a book ms) as well as a state of mind.  Not doing any admin type stuff on Mon/Tues, and limiting to Wed/Fri afternoons is helpful.  Yesterday I was on campus for 5 hours (it could have been more, but a colleague cancelled a meeting).  I was completely drained by the end of it.  BUT I made sure that I had about 2 hours of meaningful deep work before I went in, which helped enormously.  Tomorrow there's a training/workshop I want to attend, but it's 3 hours.  I'll go....and cut out after the first hour if it isn't doing it for me.

Something Resembling Sabbatical (and Other Stuff)

We are currently housebound with a 'wintry mix' and ice covering everything.  Tiny Boy and I made a list of things to do assuming we had power and assuming we didn't.  Fairly ordinary stuff:  playing with trains, baking, reading, puzzles, 'shopping' for a new (old, forgotten) toy in the basement.   But after seven hours of this I'm DONE; Tiny Boy is now watching TV.  We are tentatively going to a friend's house for dinner (they live within walking distance); we'll see.  (The mom is the one human being on the planet who makes me feel completely inept; she is a dean in the law school, always perfectly coiffed, and is generally a delightful human being.  The feeling inept says everything about me and nothing about her.)

This week was theoretically the beginning of my sabbatical.  There were some highlights:  I read some stuff, watched a lot of Good Girls (and gave myself shin splints as I did a good chunk of this on the treadmill), had lunch with a friend, went to the furniture store on a continuing quest to find living room furniture.  But I also spend about *8 hours* on admin/teaching type tasks, which is 8 hours more than I spent on meaningful writing.  Next week I need to write two letters of rec.  There's also that Skype interview (I spent some quality time talking to myself on the track in preparation).  I had the epiphany late in the week that I feel like I'm on sabbatical when I'm exploring and reading and thinking (and, yes, talking to myself), but not when I'm checking off a task.  (And certainly not when I'm checking email.)  On Friday I was actually asked to do a review of a junior faculty person (internal) and though I like her, I really do, I just said no; there are many other people who could do this.  Right now I need to be saying yes only to the things that only I can be doing.  I do think at some point I can get into a groove and become a master at time blocking.  But hard. 

So right now I could be doing some things (like email.  or cleaning my office.  or reading.  or writing) but instead I'm sitting in the comfy chair NOT DOING because if you can't do nothing on a snow day while on sabbatical well, when can you?