I've been reading reviews of a new book by a memoirist/essayist, who is a single mother adamantly NOT by choice. And while I'm excited to read this book--she's a fantastic writer and a very cool person--I have a feeling the plot (if we can think of lives as having plots) is going to annoy the hell out of me, as it's centrally concerned with unplanned pregnancy plus being abandoned by her daughter's father and subsequent alcholism.
I have no doubt that it sucks to be in a partnership (marriage or otherwise) that breaks down. And I also have no doubt that it sucks to end up as a single parent when one hadn't anticipated it, or desired it. I was raised by a single mother in those circumstances (my parents divorced when I was four, and my mom remarried when I was seven....and was separated again by the time I was twenty).
This is part of the official line of the SMC organization, which highlights (at least it used to, back when I was a member in the early 2000s) the divorce rate as one of the major reasons that SMCs become SMCs. And indeed, recently a divorced mom of one of LG's school friends said--in the midst of a rant about her ex, who is not a good co-parent for many reasons--"you know, you went about this the right way."
And you know, most of the time I think that's the case. And the times I don't, well, they fall at those moments that I suspect I'd be stressed even if I did have a partner and/or when I see a father doing doting father things, like wearing a baby carrier at the farmer's market or going to swimming class. That is, I've wanted a partner in the same idyllic sort of way that LG wanted a father as a preschooler; it was clearly a fantasy built on nothing but happy movie images, not anything grounded in real life experience.
Families in all forms are messy and complicated and rarely the stuff of fantasy. But as I read bits of talk about this memoir I find myself grateful that my life is largely built out of things that I have created, rather than things happening to me. Infertility--both the social and medical kinds--sucked. But at the end of the day I have the family I wanted...and that's knowledge that my kids have as well.
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In our next installment: LG goes to sleepaway camp. Woohoo!
I have no doubt that it sucks to be in a partnership (marriage or otherwise) that breaks down. And I also have no doubt that it sucks to end up as a single parent when one hadn't anticipated it, or desired it. I was raised by a single mother in those circumstances (my parents divorced when I was four, and my mom remarried when I was seven....and was separated again by the time I was twenty).
This is part of the official line of the SMC organization, which highlights (at least it used to, back when I was a member in the early 2000s) the divorce rate as one of the major reasons that SMCs become SMCs. And indeed, recently a divorced mom of one of LG's school friends said--in the midst of a rant about her ex, who is not a good co-parent for many reasons--"you know, you went about this the right way."
And you know, most of the time I think that's the case. And the times I don't, well, they fall at those moments that I suspect I'd be stressed even if I did have a partner and/or when I see a father doing doting father things, like wearing a baby carrier at the farmer's market or going to swimming class. That is, I've wanted a partner in the same idyllic sort of way that LG wanted a father as a preschooler; it was clearly a fantasy built on nothing but happy movie images, not anything grounded in real life experience.
Families in all forms are messy and complicated and rarely the stuff of fantasy. But as I read bits of talk about this memoir I find myself grateful that my life is largely built out of things that I have created, rather than things happening to me. Infertility--both the social and medical kinds--sucked. But at the end of the day I have the family I wanted...and that's knowledge that my kids have as well.
*
In our next installment: LG goes to sleepaway camp. Woohoo!
In so many ways, I envy the fact that you are 100% in charge of your family life. The compromises and sacrifices required in marriage can be exhausting. Of course, with the freedom comes the responsibility, and not having a partner to switch off with sounds hard. But what sounds harder is having a partner that cannot/will not shoulder any of the burden, or in fact, is a burden themselves in some way (not talking about my own situation, just reflecting on scenarios I've seen).
ReplyDeleteI'm having a hard time conveying what I'm thinking here, hopefully the gist comes through.
Ana, yes!
ReplyDeleteI've been hearing so many narratives lately--both online and in conversations with people in my world--in which co-parenting (mostly, though not always in the case of marriage) is clearly a very difficult thing. Like, couples who get along great and then have a kid and find out they have very different parenting strategies. Or navigating co-parenting after divorce.