I have been thinking about calling up my old therapist. That might just be because I sent her my book, so she's sort of on my mind. But I seem to be having a Jennifer Senior sort of realization that motherhood right now is 'all joy and no fun' or something to that effect.
Back in the dark days I spent a lot of time, especially evenings after LG was I bed, feeling SAD and alone. Really any quiet time I was sad, and I tried very hard not to have quiet time. I worked. A lot. I needed to, as I was going up for tenure.
Now I am not cosmically sad. Not at all. Everything I didn't have when I started this blog (book, baby, tenure) I now have. I enjoy my work, and I mostly enjoy my job, even if it is too much right now.
And I certainly have moments--like right now, typing this and drinking coffee while Tiny Boy plays in his kitchen (he's given me a pickle and tiramisu and a big hunk of 'salad'), or yesterday when we took a walk in the 'deep dark woods'--that I'm content.
But much of the weekend has just been miserable in terms of behavior. He hits. She sulks. He jumps out of a shopping cart and screams. He chases the cat. She stays on the computer and ignores whatever I've asked her to do.
So even as I'm aware that a lot of being happy has to do with the narratives we tell ourselves (my weekend sucks!), lives are also lived in minutes and hours. And most of those minutes--of this weekend anyway--have been pretty fucking horrible. To ignore that in favor of the good, I think, is to misrepresent the experience. Do a few good experiences outweigh the others? I say this as a person who is largely optimistic in terms of world view (or at least not pessimistic?).
What say you?
Back in the dark days I spent a lot of time, especially evenings after LG was I bed, feeling SAD and alone. Really any quiet time I was sad, and I tried very hard not to have quiet time. I worked. A lot. I needed to, as I was going up for tenure.
Now I am not cosmically sad. Not at all. Everything I didn't have when I started this blog (book, baby, tenure) I now have. I enjoy my work, and I mostly enjoy my job, even if it is too much right now.
And I certainly have moments--like right now, typing this and drinking coffee while Tiny Boy plays in his kitchen (he's given me a pickle and tiramisu and a big hunk of 'salad'), or yesterday when we took a walk in the 'deep dark woods'--that I'm content.
But much of the weekend has just been miserable in terms of behavior. He hits. She sulks. He jumps out of a shopping cart and screams. He chases the cat. She stays on the computer and ignores whatever I've asked her to do.
So even as I'm aware that a lot of being happy has to do with the narratives we tell ourselves (my weekend sucks!), lives are also lived in minutes and hours. And most of those minutes--of this weekend anyway--have been pretty fucking horrible. To ignore that in favor of the good, I think, is to misrepresent the experience. Do a few good experiences outweigh the others? I say this as a person who is largely optimistic in terms of world view (or at least not pessimistic?).
What say you?
I know I essentially said the exact opposite in a recent post, but YES, while I still think its helpful to focus on the positive, I also don't think its helpful or healthy to completely ignore the fact that many many moments just suck. This weekend was (is?) a complete pile-up of miserable minutes & hours and I did go to bed last night feeling very very sad & alone. I think the key (for me anyways) is to allow myself to acknowledge that certain days/weeks/months are hard in certain ways without letting that spiral downward into "my life is awful and its only going to get worse". This is where therapy definitely comes in for me---to keep the bad things in perspective of the overall good in my life.
ReplyDeleteAlso recognizing & pointing out the sucky parts can sometimes be an impetus to try to FIX any fixable things. If you keep telling yourself everything is hunky-dory there is no reason to ever try to change anything about your life.
I hope your weekend is looking up.
Sorry that you are feeling sad. Sending care.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you're a little lonely for adult connection?
I do agree with Ana that it's normal to have sad and happy periods but if you feel stuck in sadness/depression (general ongoing malaise, things that were fun before aren't any more, crying/teary a lot, life seems grey or blah). Doesn't feel like you're there? but that doesn't mean a therapist wouldn't be helpful to talk about what's going on and what needs in your life aren't being met, etc. My two cents...
It's an interesting question.
ReplyDeleteI read Senior's book, and a lot of what she had to say resonated with me. I work in a demanding profession that doesn't get less demanding as one attains levels of seniority and/or experience, so work is more or less a constant stressor for me that I go back and forth about whether I like it or not. (Ultimately find it intellectually fulfilling but often tire of the conflict and the grind.)
Coupling my job with parenting twins has certainly not been a recipe for happiness. I adore my sons and actually enjoy them more and more the older they get, but
(Sorry, phone froze up on me)
ReplyDeleteI would not say my experience parenting them to date has been all, or even mostly, positive. Frankly, it's been the hardest thing I've ever done.
S, yup, it's hard. And I am tempted to say that it's 'harder' for the infertile crowd, because of the cognitive dissonance....we wanted this SO MUCH how is it possible to not LIKE it all the time?
ReplyDeleteKristina, I don't think I'm depressed in any big cosmic way. I do wonder if I might have a minor thyroid/hormonal thing, though. Or maybe it's just lack of sleep.
Ana, yes, problem solving. On that. Note to self: tiny Boy does well with ART PROJECTS.
I think it's good to enjoy the positive experiences, but I think it's also helpful to get outside of our own heads to process the negatives ones. (If you're anything like me, I ruminate on those until they become much larger than they are, and absolutely a reflection on my poor parenting, or something. It's nice to have someone else more objective comment on those situations.)
ReplyDeleteFunny ... I was doing just that in my post: focusing on the positive experience, chasing away dark clouds. Did the song show up for you? It was having issues embedding this morning.