I'm starting to wonder if it's just April as I seem to deal with moodiness in the spring. In any case, I'm in a funk. I shouldn't be in a funk.
I have a grant which means I'm not teaching. I'm writing. I'm actually getting stuff done. Perhaps not as much stuff as I'd dreamed, but a reasonable amount of stuff. Maybe part of the funk is that the semester is winding down?
I am also not a fertility patient. I realize this has been true for many years now, but sometimes it's worth the mental note. Tiny Boy is headed to kindergarten. Also, maybe this is playing a role?
Things with LG are rough. Some for reasons that have to do with 13. And some with some pretty big identity issues she's grappling with. And sometimes it's hard to disimbricate the two.
Mostly I feel like I'm floundering. I don't know what I'm doing at work. And I'm really emotional about my chair's plans for the program, even though in practical terms, I shouldn't want to administer the program and if I'm letting that go, well, I need to be okay with what happens. But I'm not. And I feel like I was bullied out of something that held meaning...and I haven't yet replaced it.
I have many ways to occupy my time. Probably too many ways to occupy my time. But I'm not sure what the right things are. And I'm not exactly sure who I want to be in this next chunk of my career.
I spent so long in CRISIS mode that it's hard to just be here getting stuff done. I don't know....
I have a grant which means I'm not teaching. I'm writing. I'm actually getting stuff done. Perhaps not as much stuff as I'd dreamed, but a reasonable amount of stuff. Maybe part of the funk is that the semester is winding down?
I am also not a fertility patient. I realize this has been true for many years now, but sometimes it's worth the mental note. Tiny Boy is headed to kindergarten. Also, maybe this is playing a role?
Things with LG are rough. Some for reasons that have to do with 13. And some with some pretty big identity issues she's grappling with. And sometimes it's hard to disimbricate the two.
Mostly I feel like I'm floundering. I don't know what I'm doing at work. And I'm really emotional about my chair's plans for the program, even though in practical terms, I shouldn't want to administer the program and if I'm letting that go, well, I need to be okay with what happens. But I'm not. And I feel like I was bullied out of something that held meaning...and I haven't yet replaced it.
I have many ways to occupy my time. Probably too many ways to occupy my time. But I'm not sure what the right things are. And I'm not exactly sure who I want to be in this next chunk of my career.
I spent so long in CRISIS mode that it's hard to just be here getting stuff done. I don't know....
I'm sorry you're in a funk. Maybe it's just a seasonal thing and you will feel better as the weather warms up?
ReplyDeleteSorry for the funkiness… It makes sense what you say about some of the changes been contributing factors. And that question seems a potentially meaningful one – what do you want in the next chunk of your career? Sending care.
ReplyDelete