I am writing this post on a Saturday morning. The teen is in bed on their phone; the 9-year-old is downstairs watching a guy play Minecraft via youtube* I have my Saturday migraine, which may or may not be related to the cocktail I had last night (gin, which doesn't usually cause a problem?) but more likely the humidity. I will shortly get up and go to the grocery store, with an eye toward BEACH FOOD as we are making our first excursion to the lake tomorrow. I include this context because it's a snapshot of my life, which feels so much better than it did a few months ago.
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Tiny Boy's friend came up to me the other day and asked, "why does Tiny Boy have to go to so many summer camps?" I said, "you have four adults who can take care of you [divorced and remarried parents, with a 50/50 co-parenting arrangement]. Tiny Boy has one." I told Tiny Boy that if he goes to camp I won't have to work when he's home (i.e. he will have a happier more attentive parent), unlike all the times that I was in zoom meetings while he stood next to me and literally tapped on my arm.
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I have been a single mother now for seventeen years. There have been really hard times and not so hard times. Pandemic aside, I'm mostly in a not-so-hard-time, which I attribute to older kids, ADHD meds (for Tiny Boy), and regular sleep (for all, but esp. for me). When I became a single mother I was very much adamant that single mothers by choice and single mothers by chance (unplanned pregnancy, divorce, widowhood, absent spouses, etc.) are fundamentally different. The choice matters because (a) there isn't a sense of loss and/or resentment at the foundation of the family structure and (b) there's never been another way of doing things.
The pandemic laid bare another way of understanding this, which has to do with time. Is there another person, like a spouse, who lives in the house and can take care of your kids even for short periods of time? Is there a person who lives in another house, like a divorced co-parent, who can take your kids even for short periods of time? See, if you are truly a single parent, it's ALL YOU ALL THE TIME. From what I have observed is that actual single parenting is temporally harder but emotionally easier than 'parenting solo.' Based solely on the experiences of actual humans I know in my community (and not humans I know only via the internet) I am tempted to say that the problem is marriage and traditional gender expectations, especially among women who consider themselves feminist in every other context.
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What is an actual problem, and what is a problem created by not living up to one's own expectations?
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I started thinking about this post in response to a query in the comment thread over on SHU's blog, regarding hard times on 'solo parenting' weekends for mamas with littles. And those times are hard. I remember the worst times were when I thought the kid would nap and the kid wouldn't nap and then how could I get my work done and how could I get through a day only talking to little people? My main solution? Childcare, preferably paid because that takes out the relationship dynamic. But it can come in other forms, too, like playdates, drop in childcare at the gym, older siblings, grandparents, etc. The thing that sucked the most earlier in the pandemic was that I had FINALLY FIGURED ALL THIS OUT AND HAD A GOOD GROOVE GOING AND IT WAS TAKEN AWAY. So it's summer and there are two vaccinated humans in my house so the unvaccinated person is going to camp in his mask or hanging out with a vaccinated babysitter (oops, sorry, Tiny Boy: KIDSITTER!).
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This has gotten long and somewhat feisty so I would like to open up conversation. If you are a single mama by choice or chance or in an angsty parenting solo phase for whatever reason, I will happily problem-solve alongside you. Just drop me a line here, or reach out via the email gwinne (at) yahoo (dot) com. Hugs and warm fuzzies.
* This makes me all kinds of crazy but this show entered my house without my knowledge and now it is hard to eliminate. Also Tiny Boy doesn't understand the nuance of why THIS show makes me crazy but other similar ones do not. A work-in-progress.
actual single parenting is temporally harder but emotionally easier than 'parenting solo.' Based solely on the experiences of actual humans I know in my community (and not humans I know only via the internet) I am tempted to say that the problem is marriage and traditional gender expectations, especially among women who consider themselves feminist in every other context.
ReplyDeleteYep. The fact that you have this man in your life whom you chose, who's supposed to love you and help you and have your best interest at heart, only to realize that, when the kids come and the parenting shit hits the fan, he will opt out of doing things because he feels he can, and because he knows that you as the mom cannot and will not. You feel duped, you feel ashamed for not having chosen better, you feel resentful for now having a man/child as burden in addition to your actual children, you feel you can't blow up the family because he's not that bad all things considered even though you really wish you could, just send it all to hell, and you're on top of everything supposed to somehow remain a loving wife and consult him on family decisions even though you do 90% of everything alone anyway. It's the betrayal, the shame and disappointment, and the inability to send everything to hell.
If I weren't married now or my husband died or left me, I would never ever get married again. Marriage continues to be a shit deal for women.
OMG the needing to consult him about everything despite being the one to actually do it is something I can really relate to. Grrrr
DeleteX -- I would not remarry either. Husband will do tasks if I delegate them to him, but it requires a lot of nagging. Honestly I am tired of hearing him whine about having to do anything.
DeleteAll. Of. This.
DeleteIt's been a long time since I read anything that resonated with me as much as this has! Yesterday, we celebrated Father's Day, and I couldn't help but think that every weekend is basically almost like FD for my husband - he gets to be the one to sleep in; food is prepared; kids are taken care of so he can have some alone time; and then we do some fun family activities together, which he enjoys. (The fun part of parenting is where he excels!) Meanwhile, when I get to sleep in on my birthday or Mother's Day, it's a BFD. And, seeing my good friends, he is FAR from the worst (though also not the best). I wouldn't choose divorce because (a) I still love him/am loyal to a fault; (b) it would be worse having to check in with him on major decisions without having the influence of him liking me; and (c) when I'm older, I want a partner to do things with (like I said, he's great with the fun stuff). Sounds awful when I type it out like that, but there it is.
DeleteAh. There's some definitions to work through here.
ReplyDeleteIn Australia, we call you a single parent if the kid's two biological parents live in separate houses.
A sole parent is one who has full parental rights and sole custody.
I'm a single parent (and single) with a 50/50 is arrangement. My view is that sole parenting is logistically more difficult but probably emotionally easier. No negotiation required for the grown ups and no hand overs and different house rules for kid's.
But I also have friends in awful marriages who are staying for the kids and... that seems like the worst of both worlds. Like, they have a theoretical other adult in the house but no actual support.
I dunno.
Parenting is just hard.
Kristin, thanks for the Australian spin. Yes, your solo parent=my single parent by choice.
ReplyDeleteI take your point about single-via-divorced parents, though from a TIME arrangement--which is really what I wanted to talk about-- that's arguably better. In that case "off" time without kids actually exists!
I am a married parent (with an involved co-parent, my husband), and I can still see that there is a fundamental difference between choosing to be a parent on your own vs. being forced into that situation by circumstance (death, divorce, etc.). I also know FAR too many married woman who parent alone (or nearly alone), and that again is a different kettle of fish than either type of "single parent," IMO.
ReplyDeleteThis not the point of your post but do you often have Saturday migraines? I am prone to especially bad “let down migraines” often on Saturdays or shortly after a very stressful period. It’s the worst. I have a lot of thoughts about migraines and migraine medication in general.
ReplyDeleteI am relatively lucky in being married to someone who definitely doesn’t do 50 percent of the parenting is definitely better than many dads a lot of the time. The pandemic really brought a sense of scarcity to my life that I had not felt in a while- not enough time, not enough energy and no way to solve any problems with money or anything else. While we had some struggles specific to our family, I can only imagine how hard this must have been for single parents. I really hope things stay a little easier for you for a while! - I
Anon, yes--I do often get migraines on Saturdays. While I've had them for 20+ years I've cycled in and out of better and worse periods. Things got pretty bad during the pandemic (stress, poor posture from WFH, no access to regular massage, too much alcohol, etc) I've talked to my PCP about prophylactic meds but have tried most of the ones available and too many side effects than would justify taking them. would be interested in hearing your take! I'm not crazy about imitrex but if I just take it EARLY it usually works (before things get really bad, I start vomiting, etc). I'm trying to sort out how much actually is dietary and within my control (i.e. wine is bad!).
ReplyDeleteUgh I’m so sorry! I don’t have a lot of tips for preventing migraines especially letdown or weather related ones. If you have not talked to a doctor recently a bunch of new migraine meds have been approved recently and might be worth checking out! I also have not done well with most preventative meds but a new oral abortive was recently approved - I think there are possibly 2 now with similar mechanisms but I take umbrelvy and it has been a real game changer me in terms of not have side effects or rebound headaches like I did from relpax. I also sometimes have to take it in addition to the relpax which I find helpful for if some reason I can’t take something early entropy knock it out, which is key for me too. I also take a newish injectable preventative which has not been as great for me as some other people in terms of really getting rid of the migraines but at least I have not had side effects. Anyway I HATE migraines and feel sad anyone ever even has to have a single one so I hope you don’t mind me offering my experience here!
DeleteAnon, thanks for those ideas! Will talk to my PCP when I next see her.
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ReplyDeleteBoth my husband and I have reflected on how much better the house runs when only one of us is available to run it.
ReplyDeleteFor instance, when I was in residency, once I set up the childcare he basically did most things kid related. There was a lot less conflict. If he hires the babysitters, they suck at the job and invariably end up hating me. He is a terrible judge of women.
And on the flip side, when he travels on business or visits his family in Italy, I manage all the household things myself, and there is generally a lot less conflict and things run quite smoothly.
Logistically I need a lot of childcare, because of my hours and overnight call, but once in place it isn't bad. Which makes me reflect on why he thinks things were easier in residency -- I set up all the difficult stuff, and he basically just ran through the same routine every day.
So... I am wondering whether X is right -- the problem when we are both more available is that I feel like I have to run decisions by him and then he resists heavily. Whereas if he is not around, I just do what needs to be done and I don't have to cajole another person. Hm.
Also I have to say that it is a common assumption that everyone has lots of help from family, older siblings, grandparents, etc. We don't have that. No really, we don't. It's basically just me, my husband, and whoever we hire and that's it. I can't even fathom how much easier my life would be if we had a family member nearby we could rely on... that would be so amazing! I mean even someone who wasn't actively trying to make my life harder from afar would be nice too. Thinking about that makes me want to cry.
Hi. I certainly wasn't making the assumption that anyone (married or otherwise) has help nearby. Just that childcare can take many forms, paid or otherwise. Paid is certainly emotionally easier. But more costly. As a single parent who also lives nowhere near extended family, I make use of my teen (sometimes, anyway) and paid care. Someone needs to take care of the kid.
ReplyDeleteAnd also, this thread confirms that I made the right choice choosing single parenthood as a 20-something. Not that I really had any doubts :)
ReplyDeleteCatching up on blogs late... academic single mother by choice here, too, with 8-year-old twins. I am glad not to have to maintain an adult relationship on top of all the parenting, but the parenting has been pretty tough lately (medical/mental-health issues for both kids that have used up most of my energy and made me less effective at work). Still, I wouldn't change my choices! -- accm
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