I'm in a serious funk. Between the rejection and two absolutely nasty comments on student evaluations,* I'm feeling pretty bad about professional things. And then there's this cycle that's just kicking off. I've gone into cycles sure they wouldn't work, and I've gone into cycles sure that they would. In the end, it didn't matter. And while I'd like to think that the fact that pretty much everyone I know from the blogosphere has gotten pregnant means that I will, too, I'm logical enough to know that someone else getting pregnant has absolutely nothing to do with me.
Let me be clear: I'm petrified of going back to Dr. Gorgeous's office. I'm scared I'll keep throwing time and money at a project that is never going to work. I'm tired of people telling me I should adopt (yes, people are starting to do that), which, while a perfectly good way to create a family, is not the way I want to have a family. I'm scared that I won't know when to quit, that I have one or more pregnancy losses in my future. I'm scared that Dr. G won't have anything encouraging to say tomorrow. I'm scared that I'll fall apart the minute I see her. I'm scared that I will sacrifice too much of my present in order to have a chance at a particular future. I'm just scared.
And now I need to put all this mental clutter away so I can concentrate on my job, which, in the best ways gives me a way to identify other than fertility patient and which, in another way, means very little to me in the face of everything else. I need spring break. I need summer. I need maternity leave.
* Okay, logically, I understand those students are a small minority. My evals over all--I stupidly read them for two semesters at once--ranged from average to excellent. I understand that those negative opinions will have no practical consequence. It certainly won't affect my raise (we're not getting one anyway!) and in terms of tenure it's such a minority that it really shouldn't matter, unless someone wants to use it as "cause" not to renew my contract at a moment we're under serious budgetary pressure. Still...it's getting to me.
It's crazy how those very few students out of hundreds can really kick you in the face. Sometimes I think they have no idea how much it smarts, and other times I think if more students knew, there might be even more of them just to be nasty.
ReplyDeleteA few years back I started an extra credit question on the final exam that works wonders to counter-balance those few negative students. I offer 2 points of extra credit in exchange for the student telling me two things that they really liked about the class that I should DEFINITELY keep for next year. This boosts my confidence and gives me good ideas for what to definitely not cut, and perhaps even elaborate. I don't know if your subject material lends itself to something like this, but I highly recommend it.
I'm so with you on the cycle depression. I'm on a high estrogen dose right now and I thought I had it together, but this morning I lost it when talking with the mail order pharmacy. I'll blog on it later today.
In the meantime, back to professor-crap...
love, inBetween
Thanks for your comment. Yeah, it's really amazing what a couple jerks can do! I'll have to file your extra credit idea away for future contemplation...many of my classes don't have finals, but in the ones that do, that might work.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the estrogen...I like estrogen (except for the headaches!).
Ugh. I hate negative reviews, whether by a respected mentor, or a student who wasn't perhaps as thoughtful as they could be. But still - it sounded like an awful lot (read, the vast majority) of your students gave you overwhelmingly positive reviews. Can't please everyone.
ReplyDeleteAs for the IF shit - god, it sucks. It sucks that well-meaning people offer up adoption as a fix-all. It sucks that you're feeling scared. I wish it were easier - all of it. The parenting, the working, the family-building. I'm thinking of you.