On one level, LG and I had a perfectly enjoyable day, the kind of day that one imagines when one imagines being a mother. You know, taking the kid to ballet lessons and watching her twirl around, checking out books from the public library, playing at the neighborhood park with another mom and kid. The kind of day when you realize how good your life is.
So why is it that it's also the kind of day that leaves me swallowed up by the gaping hole that is the not baby? Sure, I watched LG play on the park, but I was also looking at all the newborns in slings and all the pregnant women. I did the math: if I hadn't had the miscarriage, I'd have an almost three month old. Or, if the IVF had worked, I'd be about that far along.
I'm so fucking envious, even as I know that for some of you who read this, I already have what you want. I know I'm lucky. And there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about what would have happened if I'd waited even another year to try to get pregnant (even my RE was stunned to find a 29-year-old in her office looking to do donor IUIs). I certainly wouldn't have LG. And I might not have had a baby at all. But...that doesn't change the fact that I want a new baby. That everyone around me is getting pregnant. That even within the IF blogosphere, there seem to be fewer and fewer of us still not pregnant.
I don't know how much more I can take. But I also know that giving up means that I will not have another child. As a single, not-currently-sexually-active person, there is *no* chance for me to have that miraculous spontaneous pregnancy that so many fertility patients seem to have. I started this process fairly certain that it was just a matter of when and now it truly seems to be a question of if. I have big questions for Dr. Gorgeous this week. I know, ultimately, I'm the only one who can make the decision. But I need to know what she thinks about a reasonable time to give up. If I'd set an arbitrary stopping point when I started trying for a second, I would have said no more than two years and twenty thousand dollars. And here I am...
I want to stop living in this world of IF and enjoy the life I have. But I want so much more.
In all honesty, I think you have good perspective on all of this. Huge and hold LG tight and enjoy the hell out of her. I'd do anything to be in your shoes.
ReplyDeleteBut I also know that you know even more what you are missing by not having a second. So the pain is different, and in some ways worse, some ways better than those of us who haven't managed the one yet.
I think you should keep trying for as long as you can afford it and deal with the huge distraction. From what I've read, IUIs are not so successful in women over 40, so you have a few more years or so. Why not keep trying? then at least you will always have the peace of mind that you tried all that you could.
I hope you and LG have a wonderful sunday.
Thanks. I really appreciate the perspective :)
ReplyDeleteBut now that you put a number on it, I do have a clearer take on things. I know that, for me, a few more years is out of the question. I've already been trying for 18 months, which is both a relatively short amount of time (compared to some) and a huge investment, given that all of those months involved fertility treatment (as opposed to trying with a partner). A few more months? Another year? Not so much giving up but moving on to donor egg at some point in there, I think. At some point--and I'm not sure when that is--it seems like I'd just be dumping time, money, and emotional energy into a project likely to fail. I guess that's why I have a doctor, to help me figure out when that is. I know she's not ready to give up, but she also keeps mentioning donor egg...