Blogo-therapy (Session 5)

Things got bad last night. It was sobbing on the screened porch in the midst of cancelled IVF #1 bad. I think I might need to rename it The Porch of Hysteria. Or maybe just The Porch of Tears. Or the Porch of No Baby. Needless to say, I couldn't sleep after that. What I needed was to talk to Dr. Gorgeous. Or maybe vodka. Or valium.

I had to settle for my nightly Zyrtec. And emailing my doctor. (Hey, at least I didn't have her paged!)

Oh, I didn't say anything I'd regret. It wasn't angry. It was gently put, but the gist of it was I'm crushed; help me figure out what to do. Of course, I knew even as I was writing it she'd already given me her advice (and I didn't want to hear it). What I really wanted, of course, was for her to hear me. Not just respond to an ultrasound and an E2 level.

The nurse who is always the bearer of bad news called me today to say that Dr. G would get back to me in the next day or so, but I should call with anything urgent before then. Of course, what I'm going through feels urgent, or I wouldn't have sent her that note. But not urgent in any kind of medical way. If I really wanted an answer to the protocol question I posed in the email, all I needed to do was ask the nurse to ask her. I started thinking about her availability and then I started thinking about the availability of RE's more generally.

I left Dr. Evil as quickly as I could because he wasn't available. It was hard to schedule appointments. He wouldn't do email or do phone consults either. And when I did see him, he just didn't listen. Dr. Gorgeous, by contrast, is both physically and emotionally available. She's getting busier (it's a pretty new practice) so it's getting harder to schedule spur-of-the-moment appointments. But questions (asked through nurses) are always attended to the same day. She's called me at home when we really need to talk and she didn't have appointments for weeks. She came in to do my IUI on a Sunday, in the midst of the cancelled IVF debacle. She's been there for me, above and beyond just doing her job. She listens and is clearly concerned with her patients' emotional, not just physical, health. There are limits to what she can--or is willing--to do. And I bumped up against that boundary today. I knew email wasn't the best way to communicate with her if I actually wanted a quick response. But it was the only way to communicate without translation from the nurses and right now that's more important.

I know I need a lot of hand-holding from my RE. Perhaps I grew to expect it with Wonderful Former RE, with whom it was incredibly difficult to schedule appointments (I made them months in advance) but who was always willing to give me a call. She called me a lot during the miscarriage--she even joked after my D&C that I'd better stay in bed and she'd know if I didn't because she would check up on me--and during early pregnancy with LG. We talked about my professional life while she was doing my annual exam. She knew me as a whole person. But, as caring as she was, she didn't get me emotionally. Her response to my freaking out about spotting was to tell me to take it easy, hang out on the couch and watch some funny movies. Dr. Gorgeous would say to take it easy, hang out on the couch, and be zen.

They aren't therapists, these REs. But I suspect that I'm not the only patient who needs that hand-holding--or a big hug--along the way. I'm feeling better today, but I'm a long way from whole.