I'm drinking coffee. There are cinnamon rolls in the oven. LG and her friend (who slept over) and Tiny Boy are on the sofa bed watching kid TV. I spent New Years Eve watching Homeland and filching potato chips from the girls. It was really nice.
I find myself more and more lately thinking about THEN and now. Because I think the distinction between them is just becoming more clear. Reading at Dr. Gorgeous's office solidified that. While I will always be infertile, and while that time shaped my identity in ways I don't think I have yet fully processed, I really do now have the life I wanted, even if it came about in a way that was less than desirable. Still, sometimes I am astonished when I think about just how hard those years--years in which I was coming up for tenure and driving for treatment and raising a small child and having a lot of family drama--actually were.
A lot of goodness happened in 2014: I had two books published and another accepted, on top of many smaller pieces added to my CV.* I settled in to an administrative position I will keep probably for another year or two (maybe until I go up for promotion to full? I'm not entirely sure). I'm sleeping better, if not great, but at least enough that I don't have many of those "lost days" any more. LG is, if a bit pre-adolescent-surly, a real companion at this age (she'll be 11 in Feb), and Tiny Boy is, well, a tiny boy who talks in complete (and complicated) sentences and plays with trucks and doles out many hugs. I am tempted to say I have found something resembling peace.
I'm not sure what 2015 will bring. I should have a book out in the fall, and assuming all goes well, a new nephew or niece this summer. LG will start middle school (yikes!). Professionally I'd like to finish up the two book projects that I have lingering (a co-edited collection that's in review, and a hybrid creative/scholarly monograph thing that I've been working on since I was pregnant) and solidify what my next thing will be, as I'm eligible to apply for an internal grant again next fall. Personally I'd like to lose 5 pounds (which is such a weird thing to say, because I've historically had the opposite problem) mostly by increasing exercise (which should happen anyway) and paying a bit more attention to my diet (I think I need to go low histamine/low inflammatory because I'm getting a ton of headaches lately). And read more outside my field(s), probably social science (psych, anthro) and cognitive/neuroscience designed for "lay" readers.** I'd also like to do better about routinizing certain things (cooking, cleaning) to free up some head space and time.
And how nice it is that none of this is high drama, just routine life. Hope all of you have a great year. If you're reading and haven't commented in a while (or never!) please do say hi.
* what's stupid is that these won't "count" for much of anything because book publication already earns highest merit in our annual review process, so it's actually better to sit on things and deliberately space out publication.
**if you have recs, send them my way
I find myself more and more lately thinking about THEN and now. Because I think the distinction between them is just becoming more clear. Reading at Dr. Gorgeous's office solidified that. While I will always be infertile, and while that time shaped my identity in ways I don't think I have yet fully processed, I really do now have the life I wanted, even if it came about in a way that was less than desirable. Still, sometimes I am astonished when I think about just how hard those years--years in which I was coming up for tenure and driving for treatment and raising a small child and having a lot of family drama--actually were.
A lot of goodness happened in 2014: I had two books published and another accepted, on top of many smaller pieces added to my CV.* I settled in to an administrative position I will keep probably for another year or two (maybe until I go up for promotion to full? I'm not entirely sure). I'm sleeping better, if not great, but at least enough that I don't have many of those "lost days" any more. LG is, if a bit pre-adolescent-surly, a real companion at this age (she'll be 11 in Feb), and Tiny Boy is, well, a tiny boy who talks in complete (and complicated) sentences and plays with trucks and doles out many hugs. I am tempted to say I have found something resembling peace.
I'm not sure what 2015 will bring. I should have a book out in the fall, and assuming all goes well, a new nephew or niece this summer. LG will start middle school (yikes!). Professionally I'd like to finish up the two book projects that I have lingering (a co-edited collection that's in review, and a hybrid creative/scholarly monograph thing that I've been working on since I was pregnant) and solidify what my next thing will be, as I'm eligible to apply for an internal grant again next fall. Personally I'd like to lose 5 pounds (which is such a weird thing to say, because I've historically had the opposite problem) mostly by increasing exercise (which should happen anyway) and paying a bit more attention to my diet (I think I need to go low histamine/low inflammatory because I'm getting a ton of headaches lately). And read more outside my field(s), probably social science (psych, anthro) and cognitive/neuroscience designed for "lay" readers.** I'd also like to do better about routinizing certain things (cooking, cleaning) to free up some head space and time.
And how nice it is that none of this is high drama, just routine life. Hope all of you have a great year. If you're reading and haven't commented in a while (or never!) please do say hi.
* what's stupid is that these won't "count" for much of anything because book publication already earns highest merit in our annual review process, so it's actually better to sit on things and deliberately space out publication.
**if you have recs, send them my way
Yes! Isn't it odd to be in a low-drama place? What a change, what a relief, what a nice place to be. I'm so glad you're here, too!
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year! It sounds like a mellow and lovely evening. Glad you're recognizing the positive evolution of your life and congrats on so many publications! I'm hoping to be a little further down the road to a couple similar goals this year - working on a book and adoption. Many blessings to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it amazing what we can go through and it's not until later when we look back, having survived it, that we think "Holy shit, that was intense!" Glad you have some calm now :)
ReplyDeleteAmazing to get to the point in life you've been striving for - and to actually be able to sit back and appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteHappy 2015!