Last night I worked essentially from 8:30-10:30 pm, other than the two hours (4:30-6:30) in which I picked up, fed, and hung out with my children. That's all I saw of them all day, except if we're going to count the hour (45 minutes for LG) of getting dressed, driving across town and being dropped off (I read a couple books to Tiny Boy, thus his bonus Mom-time). Although these days are rare, they're more common in spring semester (I can think of five [six?] such nights in March/April). I also have two Saturday events that will involve about 4-5 hours of childcare during the day.
So when I was asked earlier this week by a fellow admin type to do the annual 'tell-high-school-students-parents-why-this-field-is-awesome' gig, I said no. Historically it's been on a Friday afternoon, about two hours. This time it's going to be an all afternoon Saturday thing. I actually really like the person who asked me, and truth be told I like this event. I probably would have said yes if April wasn't already the month of WAY TOO MUCH EXTRA CHILDCARE AND AFTER HOURS EVENTS. The money is only part of it. Saturday is the one day I really do nothing related to my job. It's the day we do family stuff, which is increasingly rare with a middle-schooler and increasingly important with a four-year-old. In short: there is a consequence for me being gone too much, and it generally involves bad sleep all around.
Case in point: I got home last night at 10:30, LG still wasn't asleep, I still hadn't made Tiny Boy's lunch (thank you, former student babysitter who did the dishes!!). Lets keep in mind I'm usually asleep by 10:15-10:30. By the time I got ready for bed and decompressed enough to fall asleep, it was about midnight. And then Tiny Boy was in my bed (which he rarely does anymore) at 2:30 because he didn't want to be alone in his room. I kicked him out when his skull wormed its way under my pillow around 5:00, and I'm not sure he went back to sleep. I'm not sure I did either, or if I did, it wasn't that restful. And I've been fighting the cold-that-will-not-die for more than a week. I expect sinusitis to set in any minute now.
This has turned into a ranty thing, but mostly I meant it to be a philosophical discussion. I like the 'extras' of my job--going to readings and talks, dinners with guest writers, weekend workshops, etc--but there's only so much of it I can do. And I'm maxed out. I've spent too many nights (or even afternoons) in my career going to things that aren't rewarding because I thought I 'needed' to (and I really did, pre-tenure). Now I go to the stuff that I'm in charge of, or that I find really meaningful (infertility advocacy stuff), or to support colleagues when I can. But if it means staying up late or losing time with my kids, it better be fucking awesome.
So when I was asked earlier this week by a fellow admin type to do the annual 'tell-high-school-students-parents-why-this-field-is-awesome' gig, I said no. Historically it's been on a Friday afternoon, about two hours. This time it's going to be an all afternoon Saturday thing. I actually really like the person who asked me, and truth be told I like this event. I probably would have said yes if April wasn't already the month of WAY TOO MUCH EXTRA CHILDCARE AND AFTER HOURS EVENTS. The money is only part of it. Saturday is the one day I really do nothing related to my job. It's the day we do family stuff, which is increasingly rare with a middle-schooler and increasingly important with a four-year-old. In short: there is a consequence for me being gone too much, and it generally involves bad sleep all around.
Case in point: I got home last night at 10:30, LG still wasn't asleep, I still hadn't made Tiny Boy's lunch (thank you, former student babysitter who did the dishes!!). Lets keep in mind I'm usually asleep by 10:15-10:30. By the time I got ready for bed and decompressed enough to fall asleep, it was about midnight. And then Tiny Boy was in my bed (which he rarely does anymore) at 2:30 because he didn't want to be alone in his room. I kicked him out when his skull wormed its way under my pillow around 5:00, and I'm not sure he went back to sleep. I'm not sure I did either, or if I did, it wasn't that restful. And I've been fighting the cold-that-will-not-die for more than a week. I expect sinusitis to set in any minute now.
This has turned into a ranty thing, but mostly I meant it to be a philosophical discussion. I like the 'extras' of my job--going to readings and talks, dinners with guest writers, weekend workshops, etc--but there's only so much of it I can do. And I'm maxed out. I've spent too many nights (or even afternoons) in my career going to things that aren't rewarding because I thought I 'needed' to (and I really did, pre-tenure). Now I go to the stuff that I'm in charge of, or that I find really meaningful (infertility advocacy stuff), or to support colleagues when I can. But if it means staying up late or losing time with my kids, it better be fucking awesome.
not controversial at all...I think all of us with family commitments do the same thing. I know women more established than me who refuse ANY evening commitments, whereas I pick & choose strategically.
ReplyDeleteYeah. I do wonder if it's sort of academic culture, though, to expect it. The new trend in my dept is starting talks at 4:30, which it seems to me is the WORST time for people with kids, esp those in the daycare setting, who need to be picked up in the 5-6 hour.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, although you and I work in very different fields, I feel the same way about work. I try to avoid working weekends entirely, and I don't do many of the extra, non-mandatory things I did pre-kids. Not even the ones I enjoyed, like volunteer work and happy hours.
ReplyDeleteNowadays, if it's not required to serve clients' interests or directly requested of me by my boss, I skip it
S, no doubt. This is a larger systemic issue than one unique to academe. One of the issues I struggle with is the boundaries of my job. It's not actually clear what is 'required' beyond the general rubrics of teaching, research, service. These sorts of events *are* required, though certainly not all of them...
ReplyDeleteI hear you. Even as an admin, I spent last weekend on a retreat with students at work, will be there on Saturday this weekend, and really ought to stay later than I do ... most of my other colleagues are there, and while it's not "required," it's definitely expected, in the unwritten rules. Very few of them have kids, or have kids for whom they are primarily responsible, or have spouses whose jobs demand travel. It sucks, and it's not fair.
ReplyDelete