Consult # 5,000,032 or something

So after 2+ years and 21 cycles I am now on my third, yes, third chart at Dr. Gorgeous's office, as the other two (each about 3 inches thick) were held together by large amounts of packing tape. Look what they did to your chart! she exclaimed, noting that it's basically empty, except for my DE calendar. I might need to ask for more of it.

Anyway, I was pleased that Dr. Gorgeous did not insult me by remaining outwardly hopeful that I might actually conceive this cycle. (Although, for the record, my progesterone level is unusually high for a 1-follicle cycle [37]. Not sure what's up with that. Also, for the record, my progesterone level has always run low on my previous conception cycles.) She asked only when I was scheduled to test (yeah, that other chart would have been helpful), and we spent the bulk of the consult talking about the impending DE cycle.

Anxieties mostly mitigated: (1) she's not worried my lining will get out of control again (see early November 2009); (2) she said we could use prednisone but medrol is safer (?), and she corrected the calendar to reflect when I should take it (starting 2 days prior to transfer); (3) the donor's cycles involving freezing embryos prior to day 5 likely has to do with the practice she was at, not the quality of the embryos; (4) steroids + Lovenox is, from her perspective, about all we can do to improve likelihood of implantation.

Then we talked about The Diet. Apparently 97 lbs is the point at which weight loss becomes apparent to the outside observer. Let's just say she's not pleased with either the weight loss or how the acupuncturist is handling me (and she's the one who referred me to this particular acu.). The words preying on your vulnerability was used more than once. The upshot of this conversation was that she'd like me to make it back up to an absolute minimum of 100 lbs, hopefully by adding more healthy fat (avocado, walnuts, flax seed, etc). Her only other recommendation (thank you, Dr. Holistic Medicine) is to reduce stress (meditation, yoga, a different acupuncturist, etc), which she's been telling me for two years. I think I'd be a lot less stressed if I weren't spending $30K trying to get pregnant, but I do know what she means. And I'm trying. I really am.

It helps that the only things left on my DE to-do list are (1) transferring $$ from account to account and (2) figuring out which sprm donor to use. What will I worry about next?

And, more immediately, what will I eat next?!

A Tale of Two Acupuncturists

Acupuncturist #1 is very skilled with the needles (she's also an RN), very chatty and nice. We have a really good rapport. Her practice is thriving and full, but she's always on time. Her treatments have helped, insofar as I'm calmer, my body temperature is up, and generally feel better after I've seen her. (Not always. Sometimes I think I'm on the table too long and end up feeling overcooked.) She works with fertility patients, including some of Dr. Gorgeous's, but fertility really isn't her thing, and she doesn't seem particularly systematic or knowledgeable about it.

On the other hand, acupuncturist #2 works in a larger "holistic medicine" office, with a receptionist and DOs and all kinds of folks. Her sense of time is much like Dr. Gorgeous's, which is to say, I'm always there much longer than I anticipate. Fertility is a major specialization of hers (she's trained with Randine Lewis), so I'm pretty confident about what she's doing with the needles, stimulating particular points and so on. But. But. But. As I've said, she's dogmatic, in this touchy-feely, new-agey sort of way. She makes me feel combative, even as she's talking about making my body more "receptive" and "open." She has many good tangible suggestions (taking royal jelly, testing DHEA, tinkering with diet, particular yoga poses, etc) but when she veers off into meditation and spirituality (not in exact words, but in implication), I get annoyed, shut down, etc. As A. told me, I shouldn't be paying her to stress me out. What I want to say when I'm there is just stick the needles in me and shut the fuck up (but that's not very open or receptive now, is it?).

What would you do? (Seriously) Go back to #1, email/talk to #2 about these issues, bail on acupuncture altogether, or something else I haven't thought of...

Hypersensitive--who me?

So I don't really have anything to say that's not more of the same. It's just gotten more intense.

To begin, I cheated on my acupuncturist yesterday. With another acupuncturist, that is. While I haven't decided if I will go back to see Acu #2, the information that she provided is, well, interesting. She did some weird biofeedback thing on me to diagnose my problem areas before she even looked at my medical history. It was spooky weird. The thing that was most out-of-whack? A point that told her something about my estrogen level and migraine history. Gee, you think that might have to do with being on an anti-estrogen drug right now? All the areas in my top ten were allergy/chemical sensitivity/autoimmune related. The first relevant thing she asked me about fertility treatment is whether I'd been tested for clotting disorders. Umm, yeah. Been there, done that, got the boxes o' Lovenox in my bedroom closet.

The upshot of all that is that she thinks I really need to get off the "drug cocktail," that my system is completely overwhelmed, that my problems have little (if nothing) to do with my age/ovarian reserve. Not surprising, I suppose, from an acupuncturist in general. But one who works regularly with (and really likes) my drug-happy RE? She suggested that I ask Dr. Gorgeous to do a complete thyroid panel on me, including anti-thyroid antibodies, which I think she might have done about a year ago, but who remembers anymore. Also suggested repeat DHEA-S testing as my adrenal function seemed out-of-whack. And of course she gave me a list of dietary suggestions, all of which I knew, and most of which I practice on a regular basis.

Not sure exactly what I'm going to do with this information, other than take it back to Dr. Gorgeous. And go back off the decaf. And the sugar. And all the rest.

I've got a day of meetings and insanity ahead. I'll finish this when I get back...

Welcome to the Bad Place

That whole thing about how I can choose to face the reality of my infertility with grace and calm?

Fuck that.

Welcome to my world. It is an angry, unhappy place.

But at least I get to go to acupuncture today.

Random Bullets on Life and IVF

• Migraine last night. Not intense, thankfully, but accompanied by nausea which hasn't happened in YEARS. Thankfully one dose of Amerge took care of it.
• This morning I woke up with a crick in my neck. Not sure what that's about (stress much?). The acupuncturist stuck a bunch of needles along the back of my neck and head. It helped a little, but not nearly enough. I'll be making friends with the heating pad tonight.
• Antral follicle count this morning at 10, which might even be a bit low given that the tech could barely see my left ovary (and 7 of those 10 were on the right). I know AFC doesn't translate into good stim, but there's no way to have a good stim without a decent AFC, and this is pretty good for me.
• The coolest thing? I felt my lazy left ovary wake up after acupuncture. Please decide to join the party this time!!
• Microdose lupron tonight. I'm playing by my RE's rules, at least until day 5. Then if things aren't going well, all bets are off.
• The med tech who drew my blood? Absolutely fabulous. She got three vials from the left--the vein that can only be touched about once every six weeks--with no trouble whatsoever. I'll take whatever small good things I can.
• I've deliberately made my class prep "easy" for the next two weeks (other than that whole grading thing). So tonight, when LG decides she's willing to sleep, it's porch meditation followed by an hour of TV. I'm so freaking tired, people, and it's just getting started.

A Remarkable Coincidence

Last night I spent some time looking at the acupuncture charts in Randine Lewis's book, both to figure out what the acupuncturist did to me (I'll ask her next time) and perhaps note what points I could pressure on myself.

Anyway, there's a spot on the upper portion of the shoulder blade that is a "point to resolve grief and call to the soul of the unconceived child." Coincidentally, that is the place I refer to as The Spot of Evil that the chiropractor always has to work on. I assumed it was from work, as it always bothers me more when I spend significant time on the computer or, especially, writing longhand on student papers. But perhaps not.

Perhaps I'll ask the acupuncturist to stimlate that area when I return.

I Found Zen

So I went to the acupuncturist today (yeah, I said I'd never do that. also said I'd never to clomid, and injectables, and... you get the point). Her diagnosis (after reading my pulses and looking at my tongue)? Deep-seated exhaustion and some emotional stuff (for which there was a facial demonstration). Do I agree? Yeah, I think so.

There were many needles--I don't know how many--and I didn't really pay attention to where they went. Except for the one that she tapped into the top of my head. I might as well have taken Valium (I think, I've never actually taken it). Almost instant calm.

Will I be going back?

Ummm, yeah. Thanks for the referral, Dr. Gorgeous.