Unrelated Bits of Anxiety and Dread

1. I just turned in my tenure portfolio. My department chair was pretty blase about the whole thing. I'm glad it's done, but the finality of it has filled me with a sense of dread. I mean, I won't find out officially if I actually GET tenure for another full year. And now it's totally out of my hands. And if you read this blog you know that I am a control freak. I am skeered, people.

2. When the medical assistant called me to give me instructions today I was told to stay at my same dose of Menopur and add Ganirelix for two days, come back on Thursday for monitoring, for IUI on Saturday. Have I mentioned that I have a single follicle at 16+ (and an E2 level of over 300) and no chance in hell of anything else developing? Thus began phone calls back and forth so I could actually find out what this plan was all about. Turns out Dr. G was trying to save me from driving back there every freaking day this week. Sounds good to me. But then I started thinking, if there's no actual *medical* reason for waiting, and I'm already concerned that this poor follicle has been way overexposed to LH, why the fuck would I want to take Menopur for an extra day? And why not get this cycle over with as soon as possible? So I left a message that may or may not be returned today, and I'll take Ganirelix + Menopur tonight regardless, but methinks I won't be waiting until Thursday to trigger. Argh. Argh. Argh.

In Which I Denounce Rhetorical Questions

Remember when I wrote this?

"Thankfully, Dr. Gorgeous has been willing to entertain my next cycle questions even though beta isn't until tomorrow. It appears we've entered a new phase of our relationship, which is that she asks me what I want to do, I tell her I can't make decisions anymore so please make them for me, and then I actually listen. In this case, that would be doing a straight Menopur cycle, which was the thing I thought I never wanted to do. But the situation can't really get any worse, can it? (Don't answer that!)."

Well, the answer is obviously yes. First time I've had a lone follicle on a medicated cycle since March 2009, which was the first cycle I did with Dr. G. Looking at IUI #14 Thursday (likely) or Friday. If it's Thursday maybe Dr. Gorgeous will do the damn thing herself before/after/during our consult, in which I tell her I am never going near Menopur again. Gee, anyone think that might be why I didn't stim so well during IVF? I'm sad that this cycle is likely to be a bust. But I don't regret listening to Dr. G on this one; even if it's not the outcome we both desired, this is information we really needed. This whole thing just sucks, you know?

Fuck Menopur/Menopur Funk

Dr. Gorgeous's Menopur plan? Not working out so great.

After 5 days of hard core stims, I've got one at 11. I didn't bother asking about my E2 level, though I will on Monday.

I know there's a chance that something else will pop up in the next couple days, but I highly doubt it. I'm glad I have a consult later this week because if this goes the way it looks like it's going, I will never touch Menopur again. I'm really tempted to crack out the Gonal-F leftovers from last July's IVF debacle but I think I'd rather know for sure that Menopur is a bust.

It just feels like the harder we hit my body the more it shuts down. It seems pretty clear to me that what I need, physically, is a break. But logistically and emotionally it makes sense to wait until fall.

I'm sad and angry, and I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I'll see what Dr. G says on Thursday.

On Being Zen

It was just about a year ago that Dr. Gorgeous told me I needed to be zen. I'm entering what should be one of the most crazy-making weeks of my career. Last night I decided that the most important thing I can do is stay calm and just get this stuff done (the stuff being both reproductive and professional). Here's the reproductive plan, to keep me focused and healthy for the next few cycles:

• walk daily
• do yoga daily
• stop eating all dairy, with the exception of cream in coffee, which is my one dietary luxury
• go back to eating walnuts, olives, and other combatants of NK cells
• start taking DHEA

By NOON of June 30, I will do the following:

• complete my statement of professional activities [in pretty good shape now]
• fill in missing page numbers and such on my CV [also, minimal work]
• photocopy everything I've published since grad school [ugh!]
• order books for my fall class
• send out a minimum of 3 more manuscripts and, ideally, 6
• meet with my writing group about a current project
• drive to Dr. Gorgeous's office probably 3-4 times

On June 30 at 1:00 I have scheduled myself for a massage, after which time I will do nothing resembling work for two weeks, go somewhere with LG [need to get on that], and, hopefully, hopefully, hopefully, get knocked up with a keeper. A girl can dream, can't she?

The Year of Injectable Drugs

I just took my first Menopur injection for the cycle. While I'd like to say I'm going into this cycle with no expectations, of course that's not true. I suspect it's going to go either (a) swimmingly well, resulting in 3-4 follicles or (b) abysmally, resulting in 1 follicle developed way too quickly. I'd be very suprised if I get a run-of-the-mill 2 out of this. Of course, I've been surprised by just about everything that's happened in the past year, since I started on the road to IVF and gonadotropin IUIs. I'm anything but optimistic, but I'm hopeful that this might just be the change my ovaries need.