The Plan

 I am feeling moderately calmer about the onslaught of the semester.  

• I have the first several weeks ready to go on the "learning management system"--I just want LG to try it out as a "student" and see what isn't intuitive.   The syllabus policy document and week-by-week plan are as done as they can be until I've met this crew  and hammer out a few details.
• Synchronous learning was okay for Tiny Boy.  Not fabulous, but not nearly as bad as it could have been.  I'm hoping it gets better as there is more WORK and less get-to-know-tech exercises.  But the inability to sit still, for the time being, is okay [he had a "privacy screen" made out of a box, headphones, an elastic band on the bottom of a chair for his feet to play with, a sensory cushion to sit on, a weighted lap pad, and a couple hand held fidgets.  Not all were used at once, but he did use them all]  The upshot of this was that in the time he was "in class" (8:15-11:15 or so--minus an epic meltdown at some point) I was able to do a reasonable amount of work.
• The final plan is in fact afternoon "tent schooling" with our neighbors, who have a fourth grader.  The tent is big enough that the kids can remain socially distanced, and there's also a box fan to help with circulation.  This child is Tiny Boy's major playmate, so our "bubble" hasn't expanded at all--the kids are just spending more time together.  The best part of it--and I cannot overstate how grateful I am--is that I'm only taking one afternoon per week.  My neighbor (who is also a colleague) is taking one day and her husband is taking the other three, as he's not working for pay this semester.  I'll hire a babysitter to do a few more hours per week, and I think I'm going to have LG contribute more around the house in non-childcare ways, like making dinner, which is more interesting for LG and won't cause domestic discord.
• And, unrelated, but potentially with some bearing on my mood and physical well-being:  I have started taking magnesium supplements.  I've been having a ton of headaches, and there seems to be some evidence that magnesium helps.  So far, so good. (My primary care doc prescribed some antidepressant for prophylaxis that I don't want to take)  I'm taking it at bedtime, and it's also been enough to deal with insomnia.  And general muscle aches.  More research is needed but this seems promising.

If You Want Life Advice Ask a Single Mom

I decided to jump back into my own blog because I was leaving a really long comment on SHU's about Cal Newport, whose work I have been reading off and on for about a decade.  For some reason (he's a dude?) he irks some of you who read around in these parts.  He doesn't push my buttons, while other time management type writers who shall remain nameless induce nothing short of rage.  Anyway.

This is not advice.  What works for one person does not work for another person.  So much varies (health, job, kids, spouse, socio economic class, etc).  I get that.  So let me say a bit about how things go in my world (if you are just joining:  single mother with two children, currently aged 8 and 16, professor of humanities at a research intensive (R1) institution).  Anyway.

Say the most important thing (not the most urgent thing, the most important thing) to my work and also/therefore my mental health is WRITING.  Say I have only an hour a day of childcare* and only then because my teenager has agreed, somewhat reluctantly, to provide it (see April-June 2020).  Should I use that time to go to the grocery store?  No.  Should I use that time to check email?  No.  Should I be on a zoom call?  Probably not.**  Should I take a walk?  Maybe.  Should I write?  Yup.  But if there's a reason I can't (like I didn't sleep or have a migraine and can't think straight, then maybe take that walk or read or sleep or do something that supports future writing).  Do I answer the phone or texts during this time?  No.  Absolutely no.  Do I talk to my kid during this time?  No, I really try not to, not unless it rises to the level of actual emergency that teenager cannot possibly handle.  Sometimes that means I need to work in the car (yes, for real), although I have a lovely home office.

I'm not saying this is easy.  I'm not saying it works all the time.  I'm writing this largely as a reminder to myself, when things get much harder in August, because they will.  DEEP WORK FIRST.

*

Deep work is hard.  It needs to be supported with other behaviors and is more challenging due to particular life circumstances.***  And from what I've read of Cal's work, I really admire his ability to do so (I have absolutely no idea about his childcare arrangement with his wife, and it might in fact be he's a patriarchal asshole who doesn't do much, but I'm not going to assume).  It's a lot easier to look at someone else's life and dole out advice than it is to look at your own (you, the general you here, and I'm speaking for and to myself, too).

Some things that I do (and don't do) that facilitate deep work, when I compare my life to others I know:

• I prioritize sleep.  After years as a chronic insomniac, sleep is my priority.  Right now I am staying up relatively late (~11:30) but also sleeping relatively late (~7:00-7:30).  I have high-ish sleep needs, and I know I am no good if I don't get enough sleep;
• I'm not on social media (except for occasionally cycling through twitter), and I don't really text (actually text threads, esp those involving multiple people, make me batshit crazy);
• I walk, and when I walk, I'm mostly not listening to podcasts or music; either I'm "multitasking" by talking on the phone or I'm thinking (about stuff I might be writing or teaching, or...)
• I limit the amount of time I'm on email and/or schedule email checking (better about this at certain times of year than others, to be sure);
• I do deep/meaningful work in the morning before I lose energy to other things;
• I know I have very limited time/energy and try to prioritize accordingly.

There's probably other stuff, but this is what comes to mind.  My biggest challenge is Tiny Boy's need to TALK INCESSANTLY, and if kids are learning from home again in the fall, we will revisit.  (Next up in therapy:  impulse control!!)  Right now, as long as I can get in reading/writing/walking daily I'm pretty happy.  Now I am being beckoned to the inflatable pool to play "water park."

* By this, I mean any direct care that is not provided by directly you.  That could be a spouse who resents you.  It could be school.  It could be a babysitter.  It could be your snarky teenager, and yes you will pay for that later.  Not saying it's ideal....but most people have more childcare  safety net than they acknowledge compared to single parents.

** When I was down to one hour/day, I did not schedule any meeting via zoom during that one hour a day but used it for actual work.  Tiny Boy watched a lot of TV while I zoomed.

*** Some things that would make deep work more challenging:  larger childcare burden and/or, very young children, less $$, chronic pain, chronic insomnia.