You know you were a long-term fertility patient...

...when you're rereading a book for the chapter you've been working on and tucked in the back is your RE's business card in lieu of a bookmark.

I'm happy, people.

But it really doesn't go away.  Sigh.

On Trade-offs

So, Dr. Crazy, who is one of my academic bloggy heroes, has a post up about her take on balance or, more precisely, what she terms The Wheel of Neglect.  Go read it.

I am not sure in my whole life that I really can have a true Wheel of Neglect (though my lawn would beg to differ!) because my kids really can't ever be put on the back burner.  But I do see myself using that concept on the smaller scale of trade offs.

Right now, for instance, I am fake-walking a boy who could be at daycare playing.  And while I will not make this decision every day--I can't afford to waste my sabbatical this way--today I thought our lives would be better if he could have a guaranteed morning nap, having woken up in the five era and not really fallen back to sleep for more than a few minutes (I think--sort of hard to say for sure).  But at 9:30, he's waking up, going to school, and I'm going to settle down with my manuscript.  Because I really can't just be a mommy today.

A Post About Breastfeeding

I.

So I assume some of you have heard about the controversy about an AU Professor breastfeeding in class.  The whole thing strikes me as problematic on multiple levels (and I should say by "whole thing" I do not mean solely Professor Pine's actions but also the students' and the discussion surrounding it) but it's started me thinking about the contexts in which I breastfeed Tiny Boy, as well as the occasions when I've brought my children to campus.

About the controversy (much of which has been said elsewhere):  (1) I do think choosing to bring a sick infant and nurse a sick infant in class was a DUMB thing to do, and I can't really imagine making that choice myself; that said (2) the academic and cultural climate in which she sees that as her ONLY choice is highly problematic.  I mean really...if sick childcare existed at her institution, she wouldn't have considered that option (I hope).  But (3) really....if students were offended, it seems they should have spoken with Pine first, then someone in Pine's department, NOT contacted the school newspaper. (4) It is true that the very problem that Pine ran into speaks volumes for the need for the kind of feminist anthropology class she was teaching in the first place.

And, (5) really, no I don't think infants, even healthy ones, belong in the classroom but see #2; Pine seems to believe that was a better option for her career than cancelling class, and that's mind-boggling but perhaps accurate.  I'm sure I had more to say about all this but Tiny Boy is yelling and needs to be rescued from the crib.

II.

I've been nursing Tiny Boy at daycare, usually in the morning and again when I pick him up.  I've also nursed him on an airplane, in restaurants, in front of female colleagues (at my house or theirs, NOT on campus), the children's department at the library and museum, at parks and probably a bunch of other places I can't recall.  I don't wear a giant cover up like my sister in law, mostly because if people find breastfeeding sexual, well, they're fucked up and fuck them, but also because Tiny Boy would draw MORE attention to the act by flailing about under all that fabric.  I'm not squeamish about it.  But nor am I going to do it in front of students or my department chair or while giving a lecture; really, I can't talk on the phone and nurse.

I don't believe in a hard and fast separation of professional and home life, especially as a single mama who teaches gender stuff.  I have brought LG to class, for instance (but NOT until she was 5, and I had no other choice, and I was reasonably sure she wouldn't interrupt, and only in very particular contexts [like when students are mostly working in groups anyway]).  I have also cancelled class, and not shown up for meetings, because my kid was sick, and I didn't really worry about the fallout for my career.  During one particularly bad semester (my first here year, when LG was under 2, ended up with ear tubes and then a trip to the cardiologist), she was sick on three work days; by the third, when it would have meant we were too far behind, I asked a colleague to sub.  I figure if my students are allowed to miss a few days because they are sick, well, in a real emergency so can I.  Because if my kid is sick enough to stay home, chances are we're at the doctor, or having a chest x-ray, or I've gotten too sick to go to school too.

But bringing a sick baby to school?  Wouldn't consider it.  Bringing a healthy baby to class?  Wouldn't consider that either.  But I sure would (and have) brought him to meetings with students in my own office while I'm on leave.  And waited, of course, until they left, and then closed the door, to nurse him.  Students don't need to see my breasts.  Even if I really need them to know (a) that I'm human, (b) women can work and have kids, and (c) sometimes that presents challenges.

III. 

I am not sure how to go about (and when to go about) weaning Tiny Boy.  I am currently in uncharted breastfeeding territory, as I stopped nursing LG exclusively at 7 mo and completely by 9.5 mo, as the combination of her allergies and my weight loss really made continuing untenable.  (I am about 103 lbs now, which was my weight pre-ttc and probably too low for a nursing mama; I was only 93 lbs then, despite eating pretty much nonstop).  I have no real desire to wean him at some arbitrary cut off like 1 year, but I also know that he needs to start (at some point) eating more food and less me.  Seems to me that perhaps I stop pumping at some point around one year and let him drink (cow, soy, whatever) milk when he's not with me.  But how to do that?  At what point is he just done?  For how much longer should he be tethered to me by the breasts?

He's going with me (well, the whole family is) to a conference next month, mostly for this reason.  I'll probably bring them pump so I can leave him with my mom for chunks of time, but that too is time away from the conference (which is, not ironically, on motherhood), the first conference I've attended since the week before retrieval (anyone remember THAT craziness?!).

I have no problem nursing a toddler, especially at bedtime.  But I'm guessing that soon even I won't feel comfortable nursing him in public, as he's old enough already to signal his desire to nurse by pulling down the front of my shirt.  And, really, in the end, how different is that from the situation Adrienne Pine found herself in?

Just musing.  Would love to hear what y'all think about this.  And now we will continue on our fake walk.  The living room is looking particularly lovely today...

Time Management for the Single Mama (and others too)

Well, we've been doing this daycare thing for a week now, and I'm working toward a productive (and peaceful!) rhythm both for work and home.

What happens with the kids' schedules is largely down to a science.  We're out of bed at 7:20 (Tiny Boy and I are generally awake by 6:45, sometimes earlier, but LG's wake up time is as late as 7:20), dressed and downstairs for breakfast by 7:45, out the door at 8:15.  Pick-up for Tiny Boy is around 4:30, as LG's bus gets home at 4:15.  The days she does aftercare (because I needed to hold a space for her for next semester) I usually get her around 4:15 and then we go across the street to fetch him.  Dinner at 5:30.  Bed for him between 6:30 and 7:00.  Lights out for her at 8:00.  I clean a bit or read or blog or watch TV (or some combination) until 9:00.  If I'm lucky, I can sneak into bed and fall asleep before Tiny Boy wakes up.  More often than not, he wakes, I have to nurse him, and I don't actually get to sleep until 10:00 or 10:30.  Rinse and repeat.

*

I should say I started this post yesterday during a writing break and never got back around to it.  (I am currently hooked up to the pump, producing more milk than my son actually drinks, which is probably the subject of another post.)

I've been trying to track how much times I spend doing this, that, and the other thing, and what I'm finding is that just the idea of tracking time makes me less likely to do things like read blogs.  In practical terms, I'm not sure how much wiggle-room for change my schedule actually has.  Yeah, I could cut the 20 minutes I spend watching TV at night, but even then I'm usually doing something else, like folding clothes.  I suppose I could stop blogging, but that, too, does not seem to be a major time waster.  I seem to be fairly efficient.  (At least this week!)

After reading about it at Profgrrrrl's site I've been playing with the Pomodoro technique for writing.  Some parts of it strike me as pretty arbitrary and even counterproductive--i.e. Why should I take a break when I'm in a groove just because a timer goes off?--but generally I find it helps with my accountability.  I've also noticed I write at a really good clip most days (about 300 words in 30 minutes) and once I've written 1000 words or so I'm done.  Need to move on to a different task or, at least, work in a different genre.  So mornings I start with the book manuscript and then I either read or write something else or take notes for the next day.  I really can't do much more than that, and if I do that much, well, in the ~60 working days (excluding conferences, Thanksgiving, etc) I have left on sabbatical, I should be able to have a working draft of the whole book as well as some nicely polished parts.  (Yeah, I know I said that last fall.  And then I had OB appointments 2-3 days a week and spent a ton of time hooked up to a fetal monitor and, oh yes, had a Tiny Boy.)

And now, having produced ~6 oz of milk I need to get back to real work.  To Be Continued.

*

Having said all that, I have to say that there's a ton of stuff not getting done.  My lawn hasn't been mowed in ages; there's a huge list of phone calls that need to be made and errands that need to be run.  I can't even really contemplate what life will be like next semester, when I actually have to be on campus three or so days per week and need to grade papers and show up for committee meetings on top of everything else.  But you know, this is really what I wanted.  And I'm not complaining.  Just looking for strategies to make things easier on both myself and my kids.

On Wednesday, Tiny Boy was at daycare from 8:45-3:45 and then I brought him home and nursed him (and nursed him and nursed him) and left again at 4:30 for a campus event.  Came home at 7:00 and put him to bed.  That was hard.  And that I won't be doing again unless it is absolutely necessary.  Going out for a reading that starts at bedtime is one thing.  Not seeing my kid all day and then all evening is another.  And as much as I like having my intellectual life back, my space back, I don't want it to come at Tiny Boy's expense.

*

So today I've gone to yoga and written (haven't quite how to count when I delete as much as I produce).  I've got writing group coming over this afternoon so need to make some snacks and tidy up a bit (the baby has discovered Cheerios and they are everywhere).  It's a nice, balanced day.  So long as I don't see what's not getting done on my to do list.

Managing

Well, my still snuffly baby has been back in daycare for two days, and I'm starting to get things done.  It is absolutely amazing how much one can accomplish when the baby is gone for, like, close to eight hours.  I can read and write and cook and take walks and clean and did I say take a shower without rushing.

Then I pick him up and I can't hug him enough.  (Well, I'd like to hug; he'd like to stick his hand down my shirt and nurse for a few hours straight.)  I knew the dinner hour was going to be even trickier than it used to be, so I've been trying to do dinner prep as breaks earlier in the day.  Because, really, all I can manage is reheating.  Today Tiny Boy nursed at daycare when I picked him up at 4:30 and then pretty much nonstop until I put him in the high chair for dinner at 5:30, and then we were in the rocking chair nursing and working toward sleep by 6:30.  So much for drinking from bottles, eh?

Morning has been going pretty well, mostly because LG and I collaboratively work on lunches after Tiny Boy goes to bed.  Then in the morning one of us just needs to make a sandwich.  We leave at 8:15, which is fifteen minutes later than she did taking the bus, and she walks across the street to school from the daycare parking lot (there's an adult crossing guard) while I get him settled.  By 9:00 I'm home with a cup of coffee and a battle plan.

It's going as well as could be expected, I think.  But I am so freaking tired.  And I know it's just going to get harder come January.  But really I'd just like to put the world on pause and watch TV for like 8 hours straight. 

Good night, folks.

Three Steps Forward, At Least Two Steps Back

We've had a rough couple weeks it, seems.

The upside is for the most part Tiny Boy is taking naps.  He napped for 1.5-2 hrs in the afternoons both daycare days, and he's totaling 2-3 (or more) nap hours per day.  Yes, when he's at home it requires a fake walk.  I'm hoping once he's done with the illnesses I can get him in the crib, since he was napping in a crib earlier this summer.  Not sure what will happen to the morning nap when he has to do it at daycare (he's in a room that generally only has afternoon naps, but they have put younger ones down for a morning nap as well).

He's also remembered that he can go back in the crib after nursing at night.  But with the stuffy nose and the fever...ugh...he (that is, I) was awake pretty much every hour for the past two nights, and I'm not sure how much total sleep either one of us managed.

All that sleep training work...not so consistent when you have a baby have surgery and then get sick.  But I see a glimpse of my future and it might include longer sleep blocks.

*

Of course, in his two daycare days he drank 1 ounce and about 5 ounces of milk in a six-ish hour period.  He's not going to starve, clearly, but that means there's a lot of nursing I'm doing morning, afternoon, and night.  Not sure how I'm going to work that one out.  He really doesn't eat much in the way of baby food or table food.  Don't really have plans to wean him anytime soon, but I do know the balance needs to start shifting the other direction in the next few months.  His four month old cousin weighs the same or more (16 lbs 4 oz, diapered).  More on these issues, probably, in the future.

*

In other news, I am itching to have him back in daycare so I can actually start writing.  I'm supposed to finish a book in three months?  How?!  So much of my time feels like it's going to be sucked up by other things...kids and campus events and doctors appointments and general life maintenance.

I'm tired.  And I'm not even at WORK yet.  Someone tell me Tiny Boy will sleep when I go back to work.  Please.

Hooray for Daycare!

It is only the second day and I did the bad thing that parents do to/with their children when they go to daycare.  I sent Tiny Boy despite the fact that he has a cold.

I mean, he clearly got the cold from visiting daycare, as he otherwise hasn't come in contact with anyone ill.  And staying at home with me wouldn't heal him, or make him any happier.  And if he's really miserable, I know I'll get a phone call anyway.

The upside of daycare, so far, is that on his first day he took an actual nap on an actual cot.  An almost two hour nap, people.  No nursing, no rocking, no fake walking, just some back-patting.

And in the time that he's been there today (which is only three hours, because I took him late so he could nap in the morning at home), I have (1) written a course description, (2) gone to Target and purchased all kinds of (mostly) necessary things, (3) scoured my bathroom, (4) finished a shutterfly photo book to send to my grandmother because I am a horrible person who has not sent pictures of the kids since, oh, maybe December (!!), (5) pumped milk, (6) eaten lunch, (7) had a conversation with a friend I haven't talked to in far too long.

I have three more hours (well, minus fifteen minutes) before LG gets home and we go to pick up her brother.  Up next:  cleaning my desk, reading and plotting the remainder of my semester.  And maybe pumping some more milk.


Update:  Oh, crap.  Just got the dreaded phone call that the baby is now running a fever.  Which means no daycare and probably a pediatrician visit tomorrow.  Ugh.