I went to therapy yesterday and spent most of 45 minutes sobbing. Apparently the declaration of "normal" doesn't make 2.5 years of hell just disappear (duh). It's really hard to be told you have a 80-90% likelihood of miscarriage and then have that taken away a few weeks later. Not that I wanted to miscarry. It's just the psychological trauma of all this doesn't just go away because you're declared "normal." Talk about psychological whiplash.
I'd like to enjoy this pregnancy. I mean I've wanted it for so fucking long. But just signing up for different insurance (one that Dr. Gorgeous's office doesn't accept) was such an incredible leap of faith it literally made me sick to my stomach.
When I got pregnant with LG (which was after 10 IUIs, a miscarriage, and an APA diagnosis), I was ecstatic. And even though there was this undercurrent of anxiety the whole time, it wasn't my primary emotional response to the pregnancy. I loved it (despite the vomiting and the heartburn and the almost literal inability to walk). I had that feeling for about 12 hrs after the positive HPT this time (until I started bleeding) and for another few hours after beta 3 doubled appropriately. Don't get me wrong: I'm attached to this baby. I mean, I feel it sloshing around in my uterus, and I talk to it, and love it, however much you can love a 2.5 inch being that looks more alien than human.
But I don't trust that I'll actually have a baby in November. Hell, I don't even trust that I'll still be pregnant the next time I see the OB, despite being declared "normal."
After 22 cycles, including 3 attempts at IVF and, eventually, DE, I am finally a success story. But I certainly don't feel like one. I feel like I've just been through a war. And even if I won it, I've got battle scars that aren't going away any time soon. Or maybe ever.
Thank you for sharing what you're going through. I didn't remember/know there were that many cycles. Going through a war is an apt metaphor. And basically holding your breath for the last few weeks. I'm glad you have your therapist to let whatever comes up, come up to be heard.
ReplyDeleteI bet.
ReplyDeleteI feel similarly but I dont have half the worries you suffered through.
Gah. For a normal pregnancy.
Maybe after the level 2 ultrasound?
Hey, Roccie, it's not a contest, you know? I think we've both had our fair share of anxiety.
ReplyDeleteYeah, Kristina, it really was that many cycles (more if you count the ones that were cancelled). And one miscarriage and one probable chemical pregnancy.
Gwinne... you are tough and what an inspiration you are to me. I'm excited to follow your journey.
ReplyDeleteHell, M is 9 weeks old and I still feel like someone will come take her away saying that it was all a big mistake... I am not sure the IF emotional baggage ever goes away. Kudos to you for finding the moments to let go and love the little one!
ReplyDeleteUgh, it isn't fair. We finally get a 'normal' diagnosis, but still can't relax. Good grief. I'm 18w2d and still refusing to buy maternity clothes or ANYTHING for the babies because I might 'jinx' it. Every test I have, I say I'll be able to relax after it comes back normal. That relief lasts an hour or 2, then the fear is back in full force. IF is an evil killjoy. To say the least.
ReplyDeleteNot to diminish in any way the horrors of war, but most vets don't forget their own personal hell of battle. Let's face it, you've gone through your own little war and have incurred all the scars and PTSD of any warrior. I wonder if it ever goes away? Your story is very inspiring and I thank you for sharing (both the good and bad).
ReplyDeleteI hope it gets easier (and more enjoyable) with every day that nothing bad happens. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteWow, that's a LOT, Gwinne. Seconding what sprogblogger said.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. You're doing awesome. Glad you had a good cry and let it out.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy