So yesterday I finished the article that was the thing standing in the way of my major summer project (writing that damn book) and developed a list of secondary projects I'd like to do (shorter things that can get in the mail relatively quickly). I work in (at least) two fields, so that's a way to keep a hand in both.
It hit me on the way back from yoga today that I need to write about DE. And I just sat down and knocked out 827 words and could easily keep going. What I hadn't counted on was crying through the whole thing. I thought I was done with that part of things. Guess not. One of the moments I wrote about was the time Dr. G asked me--this was the day of my trial transfer--if I thought I'd be able to love this baby. (Even at the time I was struck by how real it was to her--this baby--when I was damn certain the cycle would fail.) And that was the point in the conversation when I broke down and said of course, it's just you know my body's radical failure at all things reproductive and I'm fucking petrified and please make sure we are doing everything to make sure that my body doesn't fuck this up (not that I've actually ever said fuck in front of her, but you get the gist).
And here I am, about four months later, and I feel exactly the same. I have absolutely no regrets about doing DE. And, yes, dammit, I love this baby and LG will love this baby and really, even now, I know it's mine. But I am clearly still far from being okay with needing to do DE and wondering if I actually had a male sex partner, would I have just gotten knocked up like billions of other women? Not that any of this is surprising. It's what I told my therapist: I will do it and I will deal with the emotional aftermath later. And here we are.
Interesting you should post this today. Just this week I was thinking about a collection of first-person essays written by women who have had "bad" birth experiences. Not the same as your situation, but I'm thinking along the lines of "when things don't go the way they are 'supposed' to in a perfect world." There's so much out there about the gleefulness of getting pregnant, being pregnant, giving birth, and really nothing about when things go wrong. I would have INHALED a book like that after my hemorrhage.
ReplyDeleteI know no one wants to read about hard or scary stuff, but if you've struggled through that stuff (or know someone who has), you do want to read about others' experiences. And I'm surprised by how many people will reveal their own difficult experiences once I reveal my own. They just come out of the woodwork. And they want to tell their story and they want to hear stories like theirs.
All of that to say I think you SHOULD absolutely write about your path to this pregnancy and this baby. I'd read it.
Rebecca, I can't tell from your comment if this collection already exists or if it's something you'd like to put together :) Because if it's the former I'd love to read it and if it's the latter, well, I think you should do it and that's a project I would also like to see in the world.
ReplyDeleteI'll definitely finish this essay, though I don't know where I'll send it...
Rereading my comment, I realize it wasn't clear! I meant that I've begun thinking about soliciting essays for such a collection (and editing). My husband has a NYC literary agent, so maybe I'll ask him/the agent about it. A friend of mine suffered from HELP syndrome, and I thought she might be interested in helping.
ReplyDeleteDoing a little research this past week, I couldn't really find anything like this idea out there, but I did find lots of "opinions" about how women shouldn't read "negative" birth/pregnancy stories. How is that healthy? I don't know if the big glossies on parenting publish essays/narratives, but you could try "Parent Magazine" or something. Or pull together with some others in the blogosphere re DE, IVF, etc. Just a thought.
Well, I'd love to see you edit a collection like that! I've got an old draft of a long abandoned essay trying to deal with LG's birth--how it was supposed to go, how it did go, reading my doula's (appalling) version of the birth story, etc. I suspect many women have similar stories...but perhaps pregnant women aren't the target audience but women who have had "traumatizing" birth experiences, etc? Anyway, I'm interested to see how this develops...keep me posted!
ReplyDeleteWill keep you posted. I've got to find out if I could even get a publisher, I guess. I know I could get an intro/abstract and a list of submission topics and writers/contributors (probably mostly academics or writers IRL), but I'm leary of putting all the effort in if I can't bark up the pub tree easily. If I can get any traction, I'll let you know. And yes, it'd be for women who have already had their births (the traumatizing births, that is), not pregnant women. I wonder how big of an audience that would be. Probably bigger than anyone thinks.
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