Another Post on that Elusive Thing Called Work/Life Balance

Summer has barely begun, yet I feel the hours slipping away already.  There is so much to be done--on my book, on the house, with and for the kids--and so little time in which to do it.  Much of this has to do with my current childcare arrangement, which is 20 hours per week of a mother's helper/babysitter for Tiny Boy.  That's just not a lot of time in which to do the things I can't do while holding Tiny Boy.  Like write or pack up my office or go to yoga or run certain kinds of errands.  In some ways, I'm feeling ready for him to be in a full-time daycare situation, which would really free up my days; in others, I know that him being home for as long as possible, with me being able to nurse him largely on demand, is probably best for us right now.

But in practical terms, that means the 4 hrs/day that we have the babysitter, I'm feeding him at least once, and generally twice.  (Yes, I could pump, but that takes away other time, like first thing in the morning, and is logistically very difficult, particularly if he's sucking on me all night, so I only do it when I know I need to leave the house.)  And if he falls asleep while nursing, then I need to hold him for a while longer so he stays asleep, before dumping him in the crib or my bed.  Granted, while I'm doing this, MMH (marvelous mother's helper) is working on the laundry or sweeping the floor or whatever else doesn't take my brain to do (would be great if she could organize things, like LG's nonsense, but we'd never find them again).

I'm trying to focus on what I have gotten done, rather than the long list of the undone.  For instance, this week so far I have written several pages on a collaborative project that feeds directly into my book project, notes towards poems, and my usual 500-word daily minimum in my "exercises" file.  I've read.  I've done some research.  I've cleaned out two large filing cabinets filled with student work.  I've organized baby clothes sizes 6-18 mo (though I have no idea where to put all this stuff!).  And generally I've parented my kids which, in Tiny Boy's case, occurs even in my "sleep."

Here's where I need to pause and say I'm happy.  I'm fortunate.  Last night I took the kids to the park, and it was one of those fairy tale moments, so long as I didn't think about my to-do list and Tiny Boy's lack of naps.  And I'm sure, if I think about it rationally, that I will get as much done this summer, with a baby, than I did for the past few summers, which were eaten up by a miscarriage and IVF #1 (2009), depression and IVF #3 (2010), summer school and high risk pregnancy (2011).  I just feel so scattered, working in the interstices and unable to really concentrate, what with the milk letting down and all, while I try to keep my butt in the chair and write.  I think maybe I need to leave the house and work in the coffee shop, though that brings with it its own distractions.  Although I wouldn't want to go back to those lonely pre-kid times, there is something to be said for those long days I spent in graduate school doing anything I wanted over the summer, meandering from the library to the apartment to the computer lab to a cafe. 

And now I think I really need to stop writing this and take advantage of Napping Baby, who, if true to form, will wake within then next 10 minutes.  What to do first?