The other day LG and several other kids were turned away from taking the SAT for stupid bureaucratic reasons (apparently 12-year-olds are instructed NOT to put a photo on their SAT registration, which needs to be done on paper, not online, BUT they still need a govt issued photo ID to take the test). I was annoyed, to be sure, mostly because I was dealing with an anxious 12-year-old, a squirrely 4-year-old, and we'd gotten up early and had been at this point waiting for about 40 minutes, and all of this could have been prevented if guidelines were clearer by the Gifted and Talented program for which she was taking the test. Not a big deal. Retake it in May. Whatever.
But another parent in the same situation was INSANELY angry. Like, adult having a temper tantrum angry. After he left the building, we could still hear him screaming in the parking lot. Screaming. I worried briefly that he might have a gun. I felt so awful for his kid. I talked about it with my own.
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I'm thinking a lot about anger these days. And my March "goal" is to demonstrate more patience with my kids and less anger. I'm sure there's some deep Freudian issue here, but I'm not really interested in thinking about my relationships with my parents or behaviors that were modeled for me (and no I don't think of my mother as a particularly angry person but I also don't think we were taught very good mechanisms for dealing with emotions). I am concerned, though, about the behaviors I model for my kids. And I'm worried that Tiny Boy's anger issues are the result of my own. (That said, I don't really know that Tiny Boy has "anger issues"--he's four, a strong personality, and lacks impulse control. It's a work in progress.)
The irony here is that I'm a pretty even tempered person in most of my dealings. But being a parent (a single parent?) has certainly showed me the darker parts of my personality. I know I'm more patient with my kids when I'm well rested and have my own basic needs met. We've removed one of my major triggers with Tiny Boy's new bedtime routine (I am not kidding when I say that melatonin has made me a better parent). I also know that this is a tough age; 3.5-4.25 was probably my most challenging time with LG, and it seems to be with Tiny Boy as well.
Mostly it's the combined not listening from the two of them that makes me nuts. And a lot of that has to do with screen time, which I have now banned in the morning for Tiny Boy in ALL forms (he'd been watching a video on his LeapPad in the car while driving LG to school). LG and I need to uphold contractual arrangements. Next up, I banish the TV completely, which feels strange to me given my own love of TV.
It seems odd to me to deal with MY issues via changing THEIR behaviors, though. What I'm going to do on my end is wear a rubberband (I feel like NicoleAndMaggie mentioned this) because, really, I don't think it's about me THINKING about anger and coming up with an action plan in the abstract. I need something concrete to short circuit my own escalating thoughts about a situation and then deal with it rationally. And if that doesn't work, I think I'll go back to therapy. And maybe start drinking vodka.
whoa I can so relate to this. And my 6 year actually DOES have anger issues, and I know neither my husband nor I model really good ways to deal with anger (and I absolutely was not taught this as a child). I talk to my son a lot about anger, and how its OK to feel angry but its not OK to yell/hit etc.. and I always apologize after I lose it. and then one day he said "so its good to keep all your feeling inside, right" oh dear, where did I go wrong?
ReplyDeleteI've been working on this for a while, and thought I was making progress but B's behavior drives me NUTS and I LOSE IT these days.
I haven't slept well in ages, and that is working against me, as is general stress. the rubber band thing did not work for me. therapy is mildly helpful (therapy for me and him). honestly, wine helps.
Haha, yes, that was us. The rubber band is a great CBT exercise for stopping automatic thoughts ("I'm so stupid, I'm never going to graduate, everyone thinks I'm stupid, I'm going to fail," etc.). Snap it and say "STOP". I don't know about behavior, but you can give it a try!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Ana, at what point did you know he had larger issues, beyond normal child development? I suspect we're getting there, but it seems to be an issue more at home than at school...
ReplyDeleteI figure the worst thing that happens with the rubberband plan is doesn't work. It's cheaper and faster than therapy :)
Anger seems so complicated - what's "acceptable" ways of expressing it is different in different cultures and different families. We definitely have to learn what are okay ways to express it, not just ways "not" to express it, I think, and many adults have not learned this, let alone kids. And even when we know sometimes we can't help but go primal at times of being emotionally triggered. But having a plan and some ways to stop and/or channel it seems positive. Sending good thoughts.
ReplyDeleteGwinne, around age 5.5 we started asking whether something could be going on. We still haven't fully figured it out (and maybe never will) but we are working with a therapist. a LOT of what we do in therapy for HIM is actually working on how WE react and getting at WHY we need to control our anger/underreact and how that translates into him doing better. I get that, I understand it, I am in complete agreement. I just haven't mastered HOW to stop getting angry or how to express my anger more productively. Maybe I'll try the rubber band thing again.
ReplyDelete