I find it annoying that people--pregnant people, say--assume that all pregnant people are unhappy in their pregnant state, have partners who are less than helpful, and want the experience over and done with as soon as possible;
I find it annoying that my OB's office, careful as they are, decided that a sleeping baby on an NST warranted another BPP, even though I'm scheduled for another ultrasound on Thursday; if they had kept me on the monitor for 10 more minutes, the kid would have woken up (okay, I'm not really annoyed by the extra monitoring--I'm glad they're being careful--but it does feel like I spend half my week at the doctor's office);
I am also really ready to be done with the injections (as soon as I am done with this I need to take Heparin Shot #1 since 2004);
but mostly I am angry that the blissful-I-finally-got-pregnant feeling I had with LG was stolen from me by my own damn body and anxiety; I've had what has been an easy pregnancy from a physical standpoint but, other than a few weeks during the second trimester, it's been emotionally crazy. So much so, honestly, that as much as I'd like this little boy to stay in my body as long as he can, that I'm also ready for my doctor to say two days from now okay, time's up, let's schedule your c-section for this afternoon. I want a do-over. I want a pregnancy that doesn't start with low betas and a vanishing twin and small gestational sac syndrome and end up with IUGR. I want my son to be healthy, without having to fight so fucking hard.
And that's about all I can say in 5 minutes.
Go visit Maddy (Late for a Very Important Pregnancy). Do your own 5 minute post. Pass it on.
Showing posts with label fucking fertiles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fucking fertiles. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
In Which Gwinne Reveals Herself to Be a Petty Bitch
(perhaps otherwise titled: "This Is My Infertility Talking")
So...I learned over the weekend from a mutual friend that someone I know, a good friend actually, is pregnant. Given my current state, that's not enough to throw me into a near suicidal tizzy anymore. But, let me give you the details, fellow current and former infertiles. This friend is another single mom of two (more by chance than choice); her youngest child is a teenager, who actually babysits LG on occasion. She's 44, just started dating someone this summer and, bam, unplanned pregnancy (which is how she ended up with kid #2 as well). Talk about fertile.
I'm conflicted, to say the least.
On the one hand, there's still that part of me that thinks how the fuck does a 44-year-old get pregnant without even trying when I needed to resort to donor eggs? Yes, that's the jealous, petty response.
Then there's the part of me that thinks I've known too many of my friends with PhDs throw their careers away for men/babies (that's not the pregnancy per se but her response to the pregnancy). And that pisses me off (this friend is actually a former grad student so I'll need to write her a letter of rec in another couple months). She's on the cusp of having everything she wanted, including a tenure track job in a highly competitive field, and now, well, probably not. She's brilliant when it comes to her work; she's an idiot when it comes to her life. But who am I to judge?
Then I think I'm angry that she's not planning on telling me for a good long while, but I needed to be subjected to this info via the gossip mill, because the friend who told me is also having a very hard time processing this news.
And then I'm very scared and very sad, because I know what the stats are for Down Syndrome and miscarriage at her age and, well, it's not good, as you all know. And of all the people she could talk to about this...I'm the only one who's had the experience of pg loss, dealing with a high risk pregnancy where we live, etc. She's my friend, and I want to be there for her at a time I know she's completely overwhelmed and stressed out.
And one more thing (that occurred to me a day later): when I say I'm a single mother by choice, I mean it. I mean, DE was certainly not my first choice, but dammit, both my children will know that they were wanted with every fiber of my being and a grand total of (oh my god I really don't want to do the math) maybe $70K worth of fertility treatment between them. And I've watched this friend raise two children and believe me, she's a good mom, but her daughter has to know she was the result of an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy. And this new baby, assuming it becomes a new baby, will know the same thing. What does that do to a family? Sigh. Believe me, I've been telling The Peanut, aka The Boy, who I think will eventually be LB on this blog, all day long you are loved. (And I'll I get in return is a quick jab to the ribs, but I think we'll work that out in counseling when he's 10 and pissed.) Sigh.
Infertility/RPL is a fucking bitch, isn't it?
So...I learned over the weekend from a mutual friend that someone I know, a good friend actually, is pregnant. Given my current state, that's not enough to throw me into a near suicidal tizzy anymore. But, let me give you the details, fellow current and former infertiles. This friend is another single mom of two (more by chance than choice); her youngest child is a teenager, who actually babysits LG on occasion. She's 44, just started dating someone this summer and, bam, unplanned pregnancy (which is how she ended up with kid #2 as well). Talk about fertile.
I'm conflicted, to say the least.
On the one hand, there's still that part of me that thinks how the fuck does a 44-year-old get pregnant without even trying when I needed to resort to donor eggs? Yes, that's the jealous, petty response.
Then there's the part of me that thinks I've known too many of my friends with PhDs throw their careers away for men/babies (that's not the pregnancy per se but her response to the pregnancy). And that pisses me off (this friend is actually a former grad student so I'll need to write her a letter of rec in another couple months). She's on the cusp of having everything she wanted, including a tenure track job in a highly competitive field, and now, well, probably not. She's brilliant when it comes to her work; she's an idiot when it comes to her life. But who am I to judge?
Then I think I'm angry that she's not planning on telling me for a good long while, but I needed to be subjected to this info via the gossip mill, because the friend who told me is also having a very hard time processing this news.
And then I'm very scared and very sad, because I know what the stats are for Down Syndrome and miscarriage at her age and, well, it's not good, as you all know. And of all the people she could talk to about this...I'm the only one who's had the experience of pg loss, dealing with a high risk pregnancy where we live, etc. She's my friend, and I want to be there for her at a time I know she's completely overwhelmed and stressed out.
And one more thing (that occurred to me a day later): when I say I'm a single mother by choice, I mean it. I mean, DE was certainly not my first choice, but dammit, both my children will know that they were wanted with every fiber of my being and a grand total of (oh my god I really don't want to do the math) maybe $70K worth of fertility treatment between them. And I've watched this friend raise two children and believe me, she's a good mom, but her daughter has to know she was the result of an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy. And this new baby, assuming it becomes a new baby, will know the same thing. What does that do to a family? Sigh. Believe me, I've been telling The Peanut, aka The Boy, who I think will eventually be LB on this blog, all day long you are loved. (And I'll I get in return is a quick jab to the ribs, but I think we'll work that out in counseling when he's 10 and pissed.) Sigh.
Infertility/RPL is a fucking bitch, isn't it?
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