I think I've cracked.
I came out of my class Monday night with this list of realizations:
1. What I'm going through sucks beyond words.
2. I can either bemoan the fact that it sucks beyond words or I can do something to make it better.
3. Doing something to make it better (obviously) is going to donor egg.
4. Just because I go to donor egg doesn't mean I won't have to grieve. I will. A lot.
And yet by last night I had cried myself into a migraine. Again.
A. actually asked me last night if I should consider going on an anti-depressant. And given how anti-drug A. is, well, that seems to be an indication that I am in a bad way, people.
Is this Femara? Is this like when the acupuncturist said I was essentially going through postpartum depression (minus the baby) due to the crazy high hormones followed by a hormonal crash?
I know I'm depressed. That is, I know I have major symptoms of depression. Which is really not me. I'm having a hard time focusing on work. I'm being surly with LG. If I could stay home and watch TV and cry all day that would be ideal. Instead I keep piling up more and more responsibilities at work because I think maybe doing things will get me out of my head long enough to be okay.
But I'm not okay. And I'm really not in the mood to be told that I should see a therapist, or go on an antidepressant, or go to acupuncture, or take a walk, or break glass (although I haven't tried that one recently), or anything else. Because while any of those things might deal with the current symptoms, they will not deal with my actual problem. So please don't.
*
But if I snap out of it. And if I have time later. I might tell you a funny about male factor infertility as told by LG. That girl is way too fucking precocious.
I'm sorry this is so hard & so sucky. If you want to talk DE with someone who's been there - been both happy & grieving about it - give me a call or zap me an email. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteLurker. I've been reading for a few months but I don't think I've commented yet. I remember being depressed a few years ago b/c something out of my control was happening and I did go on anti-depressants. But I hated being on those drugs and really felt like what was happening to me was really depressing. And I was _supposed_ to feel sad and angry and miserable. So I went off the meds. And I was so horribly sad. But I did feel like I was honoring what was, in fact, sad. I guess I'm just saying that being sad about what's happening in your life is okay. I know that doesn't make you feel better, but I hope you feel validated. At least a little.
ReplyDeleteRebecca, that makes so much sense. It goes to why I decided NOT to have general anesthesia for my D&C with my first miscarriage. I was losing a baby, and while it was horrible, I needed to experience it for what it was. So, yeah, I guess I need to figure out how to balance "honoring" this experience and not letting it consume me...
ReplyDeleteGwinne --
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that things are so unhappy and hard right now. And I'm just sorry that this is so hard and that you find yourself in a place where there is so much grief. I'm thinking about you.
I really feel for you and hate that you are in this position. I wish I had perfect words of wisdom. Since I don't, I'll ask for some from you. What's the glass-breaking supposed to do? I could see how taking a baseball bat to an old car might feel really good, but just one glass?
ReplyDeleteI have, on occasion over the years, taken a long hard run at night when it was raining. It fit my mood so perfectly and I could cry and cry and cry as I pushed myself really hard. Such a relief, at least for an hour or so after.