Where to begin? The other day I called Dr. Gorgeous's office to get permission to do a Femara cycle if this one doesn't work. I was very specific about what I wanted to do: 2.5 mg on cd 2-6 with *no* luteal estrace. When the MA left me a message it was sure, Dr. Gorgeous said it's fine to do a Femara cycle with luteal estrace. Do you think I called back to clarify? Heck no.
I've done something like 8 cycles using Femara on various days, at various doses, with and without various doses of luteal estrace (on various days). All these permutations have been cooked up by my doctor. The one we haven't tried is the one I think I want to do, the one I didn't exactly get permission for, because apparently I speak Swahili over the phone. And then I think, well, maybe I should use luteal estrace, but only after beta for a few days. But then do I need to go back up to 5 mg? And then I think, I don't like Estrace; it makes me bleed for-fucking-ever, it gives me headaches, it slows down my cycle too much. And then I think, yes, but the last time I tried Femara without luteal estrace I ended up with a mature follicle on cd 6. You see how this goes.
I keep telling myself that there are actual medical and psychological reasons I wanted to try "natural" cycles, not just financial and logistical ones. But as I approach the end of what will inevitably be yet another failed cycle, the thought of not doing everything I can to increase that number of follicles....well, it just seems ridiculous. I'm not ready to get the Follistim out of my fridge, because, really, I can't handle the injectable-level monitoring. Femara cycles, at least how Dr. G does them, don't require anything more than a cd-11-ish follicle check (which is what I'd do au naturel anyway). But do I risk mistiming an IUI (again) because instead of producing multiple follicles I end up with a single dominant way-too-fucking-early? I sort of feel like I have nothing to lose.
I'm spinning, people. I'm actually contemplating seeing a therapist. I can't take this anymore and I can't face what quitting means. And to think I thought trying for #2 would be easier than for #1. What an idiot.
I wish I knew more about all the drugs, as I can't offer any useful thoughts on that one. But if your re's office has some IF therapists to refer you too, that might not be a bad idea. You have been through a crazy couple of years so an emotional check might not be a bad thing. As for the swahili, I hate when people only superficially listen to a message... mbya sana (and that is swahili).
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