Help, I can't get down!

(otherwise titled, "More of the Same," or "Gwinne's Pity Party")

On a scale of completely zen to cancelled-IVF hysteria, I'd say I'm at about a 9.

I've cried myself into a migraine. I've taken ttc/pregnancy approved migraine meds, enough that I hope I'll be able to sleep. My brain is working overtime: maybe instead of taking chinese herbs, I'll just try Femara again--after all my one proven pregnancy was on Femara--but I really can't mistime an IUI so it falls on a Wednesday so maybe I will take luteal estrace which means I can't have my blood checked on day 3 for FSH but who really cares, so maybe Femara this cycle and then nothing next cycle or maybe a hybrid cycle and then I'll take January and February either off or drug free and then figure out this donor egg thing, but why is it that every fucking forty year old on the planet can get pregnant and I've been trying since I was thirty five with nothing more than a miscarriage and a possible chemical pregnancy to show for it. Of course Femara didn't really work or I'd have a nine month old by now so maybe I will try those chinese herbs or maybe soy isoflavones, but I'm allergic to soy so that seems really stupid, and then there's always that Follistim in my fridge...

My approach, I know, would be completely different if I weren't doing IUIs but just having sex. Really, I've never wanted to be married. But do you know how much easier having a male sexual partner would make my life right now?

I am so profoundly sad. Never in my wildest dreams did I see this baby project stretching out to a third year.

Can you tell I peed on another stick tonight?