This one is for Kristina, who asked, and who was there at the beginning.
1.
Do I feel a different connection to Tiny Boy and LG? Yeah, I do. Does this have to do with their genetics? Not sure. There's also a gender thing, and a personality thing. Sometimes looking at LG is like looking into a mirror. We like a lot of the same stuff...books, art, various TV shows. As she's become pubescent (yowza!) she looks a hell of a lot like a more attractive, slightly smaller (for the moment) version of me. Tiny Boy is an alien boy child. I love him. I love him fiercely. I suspect that coming so close to losing him* has something to do with that. But I don't get him. Like, what the fuck possesses him to chew on his own toes? Or why does he need to climb everything and throw stuff and collect pebbles? I have no idea what goes on in his brain. Maybe that's boyness, maybe that's four, maybe that's personality or genes, who knows...
I think mostly people (in the abstract, including me) forget that kids are their own selves. Some of that has to do with their genes, sure. But my sister and I, who have same parents and same upbringing, could not be more different. That is, you can use your own DNA and end up with someone who looks nothing like you, acts nothing like you, anyway.
I used to think a whole lot more about him being a donor egg kid than I do now. Though someday we'll need to talk about it.
2.
I haven't yet told him (or LG) about his genetics. He hasn't really asked about babies in any real way, not even to introduce the concept of sperm, much less someone else's egg. He's finally stopped talking about his "dad" (a whole host of imaginary figures, including Santa Claus [we're atheist/Jewish!] and Batman). Maybe soon. I sort of worry that LG will reject him, like he's not really a part of the family. Because, you know, she's twelve and can't stand him half the time (and the other half wants to be his mother).
3. Both egg and sperm donors were anonymous, and I haven't considered looking on the donor sibling registry. My family is my family. But I'm certainly open to LG and Tiny Boy looking into their half-siblings when they grow up. On the other hand, my offer to donate embryos to The Artist is still a project in the works...and, if her cycle is successful, that would obviously be open as we are, at this point, colleagues and friends. How to broach that with kids is so far in the future I haven't really gone there yet. It might require a trip to the therapist.
*
Any more questions? Feel free to ask!
* For those who weren't around Mar-Nov 2011...here are the cliff's notes: not-adequately-rising beta, miscarried twin, wickedly small gestational sac, IUGR, early delivery.
1.
Do I feel a different connection to Tiny Boy and LG? Yeah, I do. Does this have to do with their genetics? Not sure. There's also a gender thing, and a personality thing. Sometimes looking at LG is like looking into a mirror. We like a lot of the same stuff...books, art, various TV shows. As she's become pubescent (yowza!) she looks a hell of a lot like a more attractive, slightly smaller (for the moment) version of me. Tiny Boy is an alien boy child. I love him. I love him fiercely. I suspect that coming so close to losing him* has something to do with that. But I don't get him. Like, what the fuck possesses him to chew on his own toes? Or why does he need to climb everything and throw stuff and collect pebbles? I have no idea what goes on in his brain. Maybe that's boyness, maybe that's four, maybe that's personality or genes, who knows...
I think mostly people (in the abstract, including me) forget that kids are their own selves. Some of that has to do with their genes, sure. But my sister and I, who have same parents and same upbringing, could not be more different. That is, you can use your own DNA and end up with someone who looks nothing like you, acts nothing like you, anyway.
I used to think a whole lot more about him being a donor egg kid than I do now. Though someday we'll need to talk about it.
2.
I haven't yet told him (or LG) about his genetics. He hasn't really asked about babies in any real way, not even to introduce the concept of sperm, much less someone else's egg. He's finally stopped talking about his "dad" (a whole host of imaginary figures, including Santa Claus [we're atheist/Jewish!] and Batman). Maybe soon. I sort of worry that LG will reject him, like he's not really a part of the family. Because, you know, she's twelve and can't stand him half the time (and the other half wants to be his mother).
3. Both egg and sperm donors were anonymous, and I haven't considered looking on the donor sibling registry. My family is my family. But I'm certainly open to LG and Tiny Boy looking into their half-siblings when they grow up. On the other hand, my offer to donate embryos to The Artist is still a project in the works...and, if her cycle is successful, that would obviously be open as we are, at this point, colleagues and friends. How to broach that with kids is so far in the future I haven't really gone there yet. It might require a trip to the therapist.
*
Any more questions? Feel free to ask!
* For those who weren't around Mar-Nov 2011...here are the cliff's notes: not-adequately-rising beta, miscarried twin, wickedly small gestational sac, IUGR, early delivery.
My kiddo has started comparing his looks to his father’s and mine, and while we’ve had the ’donor egg’ talk a few times--"remember your book?"-- it obviously hasn’t really sunk in yet. He still tells me that he has brown eyes and tans easily because I do, and that he hopes he got my good teeth & not his dad’s awful ones.
ReplyDeleteWhich, yeah, gives me a little pang, because, (his honest-to-god-donor-given-beauty aside) I do wish we looked more alike, even though I take comfort from the fact that he’s a little-me mentally.
(Although, that said, I find it unaccountably amusing when strangers or friends-who-don’t-know remark on how much we look alike. It’s a comment I always thought would hurt, but it doesn’t. It’s such a funny thing, though, how people search so hard for a physical resemblance that they find one--even when it really isn’t there.)
And to be fair, my brother’s children resemble him not at all. They look like copies of my SIL, no input from him. Might as well be her clones. Genetics is a strange thing!
Yeah, with Tiny Boy it was the 'where'd he get his blue eyes from' as a baby... although it would have been genetically possible for *me* to have a blue-eyed baby anyway. He looks more like LG and me superficially now that his hair has darkened (and he's destined to be short, like me).
ReplyDeleteThis is a really complicated topic, thanks for sharing. re: #1, I have 2 bio kids and feel different connections to each. I often wonder where my little one came from, he resembles neither of us in looks or personality. That also makes him fascinating to me---I am so so curious to see how he turns out. My older son is a lot like me and a lot like his dad---in good and bad ways. Its rough seeing the worst parts of your personality come through in your kids.
ReplyDeletere #2, is that something that frequently happens, with one sibling rejecting the other due to lack of biologic connection, whether through adoption or donor gametes? I've heard from siblings that are far apart in age that they feel like they grew up in totally different families, but that's the age difference mainly. Sibling relationships are a total gamble in any case---who knows what the future holds for them.
Thanks for responding to my questions! Interesting...yes, perhaps a human instinct to look for aspects that are "like us" either in personality or looks. And maybe after a while, our child is so familiar and familial to us that we feel that bond regardless. Many adopted children are of different ethnicity than their mom or parents or some SMCs choose a donor of different ethnicity. I believe I will feel that primal love and bonding with a child born of donor embryo, but perhaps I (and the child) will feel those pangs or that sense of confusion sometimes. I actually can imagine incorporating donor siblings in my sense of "my family" and that would my hope for my child, who will not have other siblings within our nuclear family, as LG and Tiny Boy do (unless I have twins of course - yikes at that thought!).
ReplyDeleteKristina, yes, makes complete sense to me that you might want to incorporate donor sibs into 'family'... my own sense has changed, as I said, with possibility of open relationship from donating embryos to someone I know who lives nearby. I already have the relationship; it's not something that will go away.
ReplyDeleteBUT if I'd prioritized wanted that sort of open relationship going into family-building, I wouldn't have chosen anonymous donors. I'm open to my kids' pursuing and redefining their own sense of family when they turn 18...but on a day-to-day level, for me family has to do with who you live with and care for, not your genes. FWIW, I'm not close to my biological father or folks on his side (haven't spoken to him in 20+ years) but have tight-knit relationship with my maternal side. Those are relationships I've deliberately fostered.
Ana, I haven't done the research on that rejection question... probably not any different than any other siblings. Just something I think about sometimes.
ReplyDeleteGwinne, yes, that makes sense. Wishing you well on your journey with donating embryos to the artist who lives nearby. That could be really life-enriching and fun for you guys, I think. I hear what you're saying about anonymous... but I've thought about it and I'm not sure I can make that decision for the child (to not try to learn or connect with their genetic heritage if they choose, within safety and reason), at least at the basic level of medical issues. I don't know; I'm still figuring it out. Personally so glad for donor sibling network, at least. But I can see how our histories would inform our desires and choices. Certainly real, relational family is the most important.
ReplyDeleteKristina--yes to our own histories.
ReplyDeleteI also think there's a difference between doing DE/DS and donor embryo. While LG and Tiny Boy half half-sibs, either from their donors or from other recipient families, family building via donor embryo necessarily means there's full sibs out there in the world, as well as half-sibs. Different sorts of relationships, no doubt.
I think too there's no possible way to know what children want to know about their histories...makes sense to me that you might want to deal with that via open relationships. And then there's different sorts of open relationships... All a mystery. Perhaps I'll follow up this thread with discussion of my kids. Both of mine were interested in having a 'dad' around age 3-4. No real interest in the donor, though, even for LG...