When I chose single motherhood in my twenties it was a thing to explain. It also felt--and sometimes still feels--radical. Anti-heteronormative. Anti-patriarchal. And because I was a fertility patient with a diagnosis (beyond just a need for donor sperm) that fact only solidified that I wanted to be a mother for the sake of having a child (as opposed to the related desire to have a child with a partner, as an expression of that union).
My yoga teacher--mother of five, recently widowed--asked me the other day if I liked being a mom. I said yes, of course I said yes. But really it's more complicated than that.
*
I love my kids. And 'being a mother' is an essential part of my adult identity (I mean, I started trying to get pregnant more than fourteen years ago, just a year after I started my first tenure track job). But there are many moments I do not like 'mothering' as a verb. Let's talk about when it's 8:14 in the morning and we need to leave for camp like NOW so I can get to a 9:00 meeting and LG is wandering around looking for her flip-flop which, it turns out, Tiny Boy hid in a basket of picture books. Or we're at the grocery store and Tiny Boy will not stay in the cart but wants to run around gathering samples and has a need to get pink cowboy/girl boots* But of course there are also plenty of moments that mothering as a verb is also really satisfying, like the Gilmore Girls nights I have with LG, or reading to Tiny Boy before school.
In this respect, I don't think that being a single mother is in any way profoundly different from being a partnered mother. What's different is the cushion. I can't leave the house and let someone else deal with the crazy. I can't run out to pick up that thing I forgot at the store. (Just recently I've started walking around the neighborhood with LG and Tiny Boy home alone; she's twelve, she can usually hold things together for 15 minutes, esp. if there's screen time involved.) And while partnered parents parenting 'solo' for a weekend or a week or even longer might feel some of that, the difference is for real single parents--esp. those of the variety that don't have a co-parent anywhere in the mix [i.e. from divorce]--that's a permanent feature.
That is, single motherhood requires planning**. And the lack of a cushion/safety net adds a certain amount of stress. (See for example Vomit Fest March 2016). As the kids have gotten older, this has gotten better (LG can fend more for herself, and also be more helpful, and Tiny Boy's needs are less immediate than that of an infant/toddler). But also there's more to plan (he's in swimming lessons; she's in ice skating; two different schools with things to keep track of, etc).
My goal for this academic year is to try to build in more cushion, although I'm not quite sure how to do that. This summer I've been working probably about 25 hours a week on actual work, which is not a whole lot. (But because it's been real work (books! not admin!) it's been meaningful, and arguably I've accomplished a lot.) But when classes start, and the admin thing picks up*** and LG has all her stuff going, well, yeah, I need a plan...
This will probably be the first in a series. More soon. Now I need to work.
* yes, a recent acquisition. LG had them at that age, too. Only she didn't wear hers with sporty shorts and a Grad School brand t-shirt.
**I think that generally speaking working motherhood requires planning. I think this is probably a difference of quantity, rather than quality.
*** I am quitting after fall. Need to work out details with new dept chair.
My yoga teacher--mother of five, recently widowed--asked me the other day if I liked being a mom. I said yes, of course I said yes. But really it's more complicated than that.
*
I love my kids. And 'being a mother' is an essential part of my adult identity (I mean, I started trying to get pregnant more than fourteen years ago, just a year after I started my first tenure track job). But there are many moments I do not like 'mothering' as a verb. Let's talk about when it's 8:14 in the morning and we need to leave for camp like NOW so I can get to a 9:00 meeting and LG is wandering around looking for her flip-flop which, it turns out, Tiny Boy hid in a basket of picture books. Or we're at the grocery store and Tiny Boy will not stay in the cart but wants to run around gathering samples and has a need to get pink cowboy/girl boots* But of course there are also plenty of moments that mothering as a verb is also really satisfying, like the Gilmore Girls nights I have with LG, or reading to Tiny Boy before school.
In this respect, I don't think that being a single mother is in any way profoundly different from being a partnered mother. What's different is the cushion. I can't leave the house and let someone else deal with the crazy. I can't run out to pick up that thing I forgot at the store. (Just recently I've started walking around the neighborhood with LG and Tiny Boy home alone; she's twelve, she can usually hold things together for 15 minutes, esp. if there's screen time involved.) And while partnered parents parenting 'solo' for a weekend or a week or even longer might feel some of that, the difference is for real single parents--esp. those of the variety that don't have a co-parent anywhere in the mix [i.e. from divorce]--that's a permanent feature.
That is, single motherhood requires planning**. And the lack of a cushion/safety net adds a certain amount of stress. (See for example Vomit Fest March 2016). As the kids have gotten older, this has gotten better (LG can fend more for herself, and also be more helpful, and Tiny Boy's needs are less immediate than that of an infant/toddler). But also there's more to plan (he's in swimming lessons; she's in ice skating; two different schools with things to keep track of, etc).
My goal for this academic year is to try to build in more cushion, although I'm not quite sure how to do that. This summer I've been working probably about 25 hours a week on actual work, which is not a whole lot. (But because it's been real work (books! not admin!) it's been meaningful, and arguably I've accomplished a lot.) But when classes start, and the admin thing picks up*** and LG has all her stuff going, well, yeah, I need a plan...
This will probably be the first in a series. More soon. Now I need to work.
* yes, a recent acquisition. LG had them at that age, too. Only she didn't wear hers with sporty shorts and a Grad School brand t-shirt.
**I think that generally speaking working motherhood requires planning. I think this is probably a difference of quantity, rather than quality.
*** I am quitting after fall. Need to work out details with new dept chair.
I think the part about having no co-parent, anywhere, is the hardest for me to fully understand (I can't possibly understand because I haven't been there). I feel like I'm always "on" for my kids, but actually I'm not...if I am really sick I CAN be off.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are right, single parenting likely requires more planning. I can be a bit more lax on my planning because I have a husband with a flexible job who can always step in if I drop the ball. You can't drop the ball.
Ana, yes. And there's a difference, too, between being an SMC and single mother via divorce w/co-parent still in the picture (though certainly all individual situations are different as well).... i.e. when my mom had surgery for cancer and I needed to care for her, I couldn't leave my kids with the other parent as my mom did with us when we were kids and her mom got sick. Although we didn't live with our father, he was certainly willing to step in and house us under emergency circumstances.
ReplyDeleteBut the other side of this means there's no expectations, at all, that someone else could cover in any case, or difficulties involved in co-parenting with a partner, as I sometimes hear from married friends.
There's probably a lot of minor differences on a day to day basis that I don't think about because my normal is my normal...