Is it bedtime yet?

I've been awake, again, since 3:30. (Yeah, apparently Ambien isn't working out so great.)


I had to wake LG at 7:30 so I could take her to childcare. She spent the better part of an hour in tears because her hair was staticky.


I need to finish this damn conference paper.


I can't think straight enough to finish a conference paper.


Apparently we're not done with all the hiring and campus visit insanity for the year.


I called the massage therapy place to see if they could fit me in this afternoon, because really that's all I can think to do. Am also thinking of calling Nurse of the Everchanging Nickname to see if Dr. G was actually serious when she said valium is better than ambien.

This has got to be the lupron, right? I've never been this insomniated before.

I've also never done DE before.

Things I've Learned in the Past Twelve Hours

1. My department chair has the capacity to be a real jerk.
2. It is entirely possible to take Ambien and still not sleep.
3. Just because Dr. Gorgeous says it, doesn't mean my body will do it.

(So I'll take #1 back, after an email at 6:55. One crisis averted.)

What The Fuck

Really, I shouldn't need to say any more than the title.

Still not bleeding. 7, yes, 7 days after coming off the pill/estrace.

According to the nurse, who was quoting an email from Dr. Gorgeous, I will bleed, wait it out, my lining will be adequate even with fewer days on estrogen. (That last bit I don't doubt, as I suspected all along there were too many days of estrogen on my original calendar.)

But if there's no theory as to why I'm not having a withdrawal bleed, I see no reason to trust that it will happen any time soon. And do I really want the donor starting stims if I haven't started bleeding yet?

Does anyone else see the radical irony in the fact that even after I've completely given up to my body, it's still my body that's holding me back?

I'm going crazy here.

p.s. If anyone knows of any herbs, teas, medications, magic potions, or charms to bring on a period, send them my way. I'm this close to making an executive decision to up my own lupron dose and see if that has any effect...

Cycle Day Huh?

I am supposed to go in for baseline monitoring tomorrow (theoretical cd 2) before starting estrace.

Granted, I've never been on lupron before, but I always start bleeding exactly 2.5 days after stopping progesterone and/or coming off the pill (okay, maybe there was one 3 day gap in there, but you get the point). I had a huge gush of blood--like, went through my pants it happened so fast--on Friday (before coming off the pill), and then nothing. Stopped the pill, as instructed, on Saturday. And I've been waiting. And cramping. And waiting. And cramping. And spotting. And waiting.

I'm not sure what this means, but I suspect it's not looking good for getting started on estrace tomorrow. Fortunately, there are a few extra days built into my calendar (target retrieval is still 18 days out), but, hello?

*

In other news, my chair told me, completely off the record, though he did repeat it in TOC meeting so it's sort of public: my inside sources say your case sailed through college RPT and you're being promoted.

I'll believe it when I see it in writing, but I think I can let all tenure worries go...

Now if only I would start bleeding. Hopefully for the last time for the next 12 months or so...

In Which I Ignore All Dietary Restrictions

Thanks to A, who is the ultimate kid party planner, we made these cupcakes for LG's party:

http://www.thepartyanimal-blog.org/zhu-zhu-pets-cupcakes/

Of course I had to sample one. I also needed to consume actual ice cream, with actual whipped cream, and sprinkles (because this was a party for a seven year old girl!). And I also ate a turkey sandwich. Then I chased it with some herbal tea (you'll notice I didn't drink large quantities of vodka) and an ambien.

This morning I am drinking my special tea from my neighbors (it's a slight variant on "free and easy wanderer" for liver qi stagnation) and gearing up for my fake cd 1 to start tomorrow. Gulp.

Apparently this is my 800th post

You'd think 800 posts later I'd have a kid, or at least be pregnant, or have experienced some kind of monumental life change. I guess not.

There was a moment a few days ago I felt really good. On top of things. Like the plan I'd cooked up with my therapist to not think (my new mantra) but redirect with one of the 100 million things I need to get done was actually working.

Let's just say that spending almost 3 hours at Dr. Gorgeous's office on Thursday, which was also LG's birthday, really threw me. I cried before my mock transfer. I cried when she asked me to talk about the ultrasound tech from hell. I cried when she asked me if I thought I was ready to do this. I spent the better part of 3 hours crying. And then I drove home and went to work and cried some more. She once joked that I was going to get PTSD from her consult room. I wonder how close to the truth that actually is. I was so messed up on Thursday I almost started hyperventilating in the waiting room, which was crammed, and took myself out into the hallway where I paced and freaked out and cried some more before my nurse consult.

I think it would be easy to say I'm overemotional because I'm completely hopped up on hormones. But I've spent the better part of the past 2.5 years hopped up on hormones, and I'm usually not like this. I think it would be too easy to say it's the lupron.

The truth is, the closer I get to March the more petrified I get. I think Dr. Gorgeous finally gets it; I'm not scared of DE working (she asked me point-blank if I was worried about being able to love this baby, or bond with it, or whatever [apparently she's had one patient who never bonded with her DE kid]) but scared of it not working. Because I'm out of plans. And time. And energy. And if this doesn't work, well....I can't even really imagine that. Nor can I really imagine it working, that I might actually be something resembling happy in a month or so.

I'm sad. And scared. And, really, what a fuckhead I was not to ask for valium when it was pretty much offered to me. Because let me tell you, I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the 2ww. The donor hasn't even started stims yet and I'm a wreck. All I can say is thank goodness for the nurse who decided taking me out of the office for our consult was a good idea.

~26 days until transfer.

Random Bullets of Life on Lupron

• Right now (knock wood) life on lupron is tolerable. I decided my hot flashes were actually just the result of working in an old building with steam heat, because they don't seem to hit me at home. And the headache? Well, either that was a byproduct of the cold and/or taking estrogen along with lupron does indeed cancel things out. My mood is good enough that I think my E2 level is relatively high. But who knows.
• I am officially afraid to open my work email. Every time I do there is either (or both) a request from a student to do something else (oh, the late requests for letters of rec!) or an update from my chair about ongoing search drama. Urgh.
• The upside is that I am so completely overwhelmed with what needs to happen before March 1 that I'm sort of blase about all of it. It's just a matter of triage and checking the next thing off the list.
• My students are sick and they have hit a pre-midterm slump. I'd like to rally and have energy for them, but I just can't.
• LG started crying tonight when she realized that chocolate frosting is not conducive to making all kinds of colored swirls and such. So it looks like I'm making my own margarine-and-confectioner's sugar version in light blue, so she can dump colored sugar on it in the morning. Oh well.
• After a lot of rigamarole (anyone else here over the age of 25 need her mother's authorization to take her own money out of the stock market?!) I am finally in posession of the Big Check that will allow me to pay Dr. Gorgeous for the DE cycle.
• I have decided the Thing on My Left Ovary is either smaller or larger. But it's doing something, because it's popping and I'm spotting. Sorta like ovulation. Shit. We'll see what happens tomorrow.
• Tonight: making frosting, reading a job candidate's writing sample, shaving my legs, finishing a book for class, and, hopefully, watching 45 minutes of TV. The craziness really starts at 8:00 tomorrow.

Thank you, Betty Crocker

I love my daughter. But I have to say her birthday hits, every year, at exactly the wrong time. Case in point: her first birthday occurred the same week as my campus visit for my current job, and that might have been the easiest of the past seven years. So in the midst of all the work stress, I have to plan birthday parties and make cakes (and more cakes and more cakes).

At some point in the past year, A pointed out to me that not all store-bought frostings contain dairy. Yes, indeedy, LG will have her chocolate cake with chocolate frosting to bring to school on Thursday and, thanks to Betty Crocker, her mother will need to put in an absolute minimum effort. And understand, to an allergic seven-year-old store-bought is so much better than any organic, homemade concoction her mother slaves over. Which is great, because if I had to make a real cake with real frosting tomorrow night, after a day of lupron hot flashes in my steamy office, that might just be the end of me.

Talk me down, people

What was that, Roccie? Graceandmotherfuckingcalm? Yeah, that's about where I'm at.

Not sure if it's the lupron/estrogen/pill combo. Or the headache/cold combo. Or the giant fucking follicle. Or all the work insanity.

But I'm feeling a bit, ahem, crazy. And about two steps from having Dr. Gorgeous paged on a Sunday afternoon (or using her cell phone number, which I have) because I really need to know if that thing is still on my overproductive left ovary on Thursday if that means I'm benched for another month. Because that is not acceptable. Because that would mean I might actually have to think about how fucking crappy it is to be using donor eggs at barely 38 and the fact that I'm still not pregnant. Still. Not. Pregnant.

So instead I find myself googling the various components of the tea recommended by my herbalist neighbors, only to learn that the major component is (a) not recommended during pregnancy and (b) might interfere with estrogen, so why the fuck would I even ask Dr. Gorgeous if that sounds like a good idea. Because to me it sounds like a bad idea, however well-intentioned my neighbors might be, especially if it involves drinking 3 pots of it daily.

Fucking lupron.