Freakouts and Loose Ends

I think (hope?) the pinnacle of the crazy hit over the weekend. I slept at most, I think, an hour Saturday night. I tried to explain to my therapist that this insomnia doesn't start with head-spinning but actual physical sensations of anxiety (racing heart, in particular). I literally can't calm my body and then I'm awake and I start thinking and then, well, you know how it goes. The upside (is there an upside to not sleeping?) was finishing course prep in the middle of the night when it became clear that lying in bed was not helping.

Honestly, people, this might be the most anxious I've ever been in my life. (I seem to recall similar anxiety/sleeplessness when I was applying for jobs back in 2001, but I don't remember not sleeping at all).

My calendar's been changed by 2 days, for personal rather than medical reasons, which I'm not happy about, and that seems to be what set off this freakout. Also don't have my lupron, which I'm supposed to start on Saturday, even though I've been trying to get it for a week. Specialty Pharmacy #2 told me they could have it to me by tomorrow if I wanted to pay cash. Umm, no, I'd like to milk my insurance for all it's worth, so please just verify it! Today I waited for about 20 minutes at the campus pharmacy--when I should have been in a department meeting--because they didn't give me 3 mm syringes *with* 22 gauge needles for PIO, and I only have a handful of them left from the last IVF debacle. These minor glitches are really getting to me, even though I know they are minor in the whole scheme of things. (It sort of feels like when I moved halfway across the country my mother couldn't just say she was worried about me but obsessed about where I'd get enough boxes for my stuff.)

Then there's work. I have to say I love my classes this semester, and those moments with students are the best, most focused, calmest of my days. Because all the nervousness gets chanelled into performance, which, frankly, I'm good at. But the details about student organizations and the summer program I'm supposed to do and dealing with general incompetence of staff is another layer of complexity and stress that I don't need.

LG is good. I'm trying to savor the parts of mothering like snuggling and reading and talking, and I'm trying not to get overwhelmed by the parts of mothering that are work, like food preparation and grooming and rushing her out the door. I actually forgot to put her booster seat back in the car (my mother visited this weekend), which she pointed out to me when I picked her up from school, and I'm the kind of mother who kept her kid in a real carseat with a 5-point harness until she finally protested at age 6.

Anyway, I took it as a sign that my therapist's office called with an opening for tomorrow, so I took it. And I also scheduled myself for a massage (instead of acupuncture) as a way to try to deal with the physical effects of all this stressing and not sleeping.

If everything goes as planned, 33 days until retrieval. Sigh.