I.
I cried during Yoga for Pregnant People again. And I got passive aggressive. Or maybe just plain aggressive. I'd tried to make an innocuous observation that I'm dealing with anxiety/emotional issues rather than physical ones, when the whiniest of the Presumed Fertiles said--and it was well-intentioned--that she thought probably all of us are dealing with anxiety. Yes, I said, but I was given a 90% chance of miscarrying in my first trimester. Let's just say that shut everyone up. Perhaps not my finest moment. But I think it made the point.
Instead of retreating with my tail between my legs and going back to normal yoga, I think I will stick it out. Maybe this is the "release valve" my therapist always wanted me to have. A space that allows me to deal with all the emotional stuff I'm dealing with. Because, let's face it, it's not going away any time soon. As A. said, I probably have something like Post-Traumatic Reproductive Stress Disorder as do many of you who read here.
II.
I have my regularly scheduled OB app't tomorrow and quite a long list of things to talk about. Among them: (1) If he's still breech, I think I suck it up and schedule the c-section; if he's not, I think I suck it up and schedule the c-section and hope I don't need it. (Of course, not needing it means either preterm delivery or giving birth potentially on Thanksgiving.) (2) I'm contracting. A lot. Which would have me really worried if I hadn't experienced the same phenomenon with LG from about 32 weeks on and still never made it past 3 cm during delivery. But I do think I should at least mention it.
III.
If you had a c-section and resent it,
If you had a hospital birth and resent it,
If you had a home birth
If you had a birth with a midwife
If you are pregnant and thinking about your birth options
If you are trying to get pregnant and thinking about your birth options
If you are a writer who plays in innovative forms
If you are a reader who likes innovative forms
If you are a feminist
Check out Arielle Greenberg and Rachel Zucker's Home/Birth: A Poemic.
I devoured it in one day. (Yes, when I should have been doing other things.) Despite the subtitle, I'd be more inclined to call it an essay than a long poem. But it is SO up my alley, both in terms of content and form.
It does have what I've come to think of as "the D word" (no, LG, not damn, but dead baby) but I knew that going in and found it profoundly moving.
Sometimes you need someone to say it: sometimes babies die. Maybe next week I'll recommend it in YFPP. Snort.
I just stumbled across your blog- linked here from another blog- I don't have a blog myself but I do journal ;) anyways just wanted to say I've read a fair amount of your entries this year, love your style. Exciting to read a single mom by choice who's also an academic. I just finished my masters (I have two bachelor degrees in sciences and health sciences) and my first baby is due Dec 5 (30+2 today). I really identify with your post traumatic reproductive syndrome idea; we lost our last baby in utero due to a heart defect and I had a chemical PG before that. So basically I am in a similar boat where I still say "hope to bring this baby home" and "if we get to keep this baby" etc. It's not easy but I feel like I can't put myself out there too much or I'll tempt fate and have another loss (I'm an atheist so it's not a god thing...). Anyways, just wanted to say thanks for writing and I'll be reading along while I do my own gestating ;)
ReplyDeleteThank you, on behalf of the DBMs of the world, for speaking up in YFPP. Honestly, if people could talk about the fact that babies sometimes die, there would be so much better support for those women ... and maybe we'd all be suffering a little less from PTRSD.
ReplyDeleteSomehow the 90% figure was easier for me to toss out, when put on the spot, than the dead babies of my pregnancies past (and present). I agree. People do need to talk about this stuff...just hadn't realized what would fly out of my mouth...
ReplyDeleteH...welcome! And thank you!
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