So I ended up in tears again last night, on the drive home from Yoga for Pregnant People.
A large part of the problem, I think, is the moment the instructor has us talk about what we'd like to work on in class (i.e. certain body parts) which ends up being a general whine fest about various pregnancy goings on. And it's not that I don't have some of those goings on (i.e. heartburn) but I am so grateful to be pregnant and to have this experience that I would never whine about them in a public setting (among "normal" pregnant people) and I end up thinking about things that I absolutely cannot say. You know, dead baby thoughts. And I'm going to yoga ostensibly so I keep my stress level down and stop thinking the dead baby thoughts.
Because even now, at 30w2d, I do not assume that I will have a healthy baby living with me in 10 weeks. Yes, it is more likely than not, but it is SO not a given, not in this community, and not with my medical history. And I really wish that my crappy new insurance was accepted by my old therapist, because she'd actually be helpful in this regard.
The hematologist asked me last week, when we were talking about getting me finally off the shots, if I'd be able to forget all this.
I really don't think so. At least not today.
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