Maybe it's the sleep deprivation.
Or maybe it's the postpartum hormones.
Or maybe it's the reality of bringing Tiny Boy home.
(You know, after years of treatment and RPL and using DE, not to mention the fact that I'd completely given up on this pregnancy at 5 weeks and 9 weeks...and that whole placental insufficiency/IUGR thing)
But I am one weepy girl.
I don't think this is postpartum depression, because I'm not depressed. I don't even think I'm sad. I'm just overloaded with emotion, anxiety, something. And I really wish that my old therapist was covered by my insurance, because I could use a chat about now.
I triaged my work email this morning and found a message from Dr. Gorgeous, and I started bawling again.
I am so grateful. To her and her staff. To the two donors who made Tiny Boy possible. But I have to say, even now, holding him, nursing him, taking oodles of pictures of him...I'm not over it. I know I've said it before, but I feel like a happy carefree pregnancy was stolen from me. And a real birth was stolen from me. I'd like to shelve all that. Just enjoy him (and believe me, I am enjoying him) without all the emotional baggage of the past three years.
But at least for now (knock wood) my body seems to be doing something right. As of yesterday morning, I have a thriving 5 lb 3 oz (yes, he's surpassed his birth weight) baby. Whom I need to wake up to nurse...
Gwinne, you have been amazingly brave and strong throughout all of this. I admire you for knowing what you wanted and making it happen uphill. I understand those robbed feelings. I also hope that because your hand was missing the easy pregnancy card and the real birth card, that means that they will be replaced by other, more wonderful cards to come. Sending love to you and your sweet little family, mama.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
About 10 days after M was born I went to the store and bought some pomegranate colored needle point thread and have worn it around my wrist ever since. It has really helped me feel connected to my IF experience, and helped give me some peace when I was feeling some post traumatic stress. I still tear up easily... hormones, what a dramatic shift in hormones, of course you are feeling teary. Hopefully it will all move towards tears of appreciation and love as the weeks go by and you get more settled with the fact that he is here and here to stay.
ReplyDeletesending you lots of love,
inB
InB, you know, I'd also started wearing the pomegranate thread during pregnancy...I think on your suggestion. It fell off the night before Tiny Boy's birth, and I haven't put on a new one. Probably should...
ReplyDeleteYou know, after B was born I was an emotional wreck -- torn between my sheer joy that he was ok and in our life and sad that my pregnancy got cut short (honestly, I wasn't ready for it to end) at 36 weeks. And combined with my tremendous failure to effectively feed my child, I was a super teary for about a month. So know that you are feeling normal, ok feelings, and that your experience, while hard and not what you had hoped for, does belong to you and brought you a wonderful little boy. Give yourself some time to feel off balance -- your world has changed.
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