Update from the Land of High Risk Pregnancy (36w4d)

Well, the Boy still looks good.  Cooperated on the NST.  Dopplers and fluid level holding steady.

But you know you're headed for a bad day when you find an ultrasound annoying.  Just the general concept of having an ultrasound.  The transducer.  The goo.  The discomfort.  You know, it felt a whole lot like the millionth follicle check during an IVF cycle.

Then I met one of the other OBs in the practice.  There are 6; I think I've met 5.  Started crying during the whole repeat repeat c-section vs. VBAC discussion.  As she said, the issue isn't really c-section vs. VBAC but delivering a baby who's not growing well at the right time.  She's all for VBAC if I actually go into labor prior to whenever it's decided that he needs to be cut out.

So I came home, and I was crabby.  And went to the library and picked up a couple DVDs and books and set up shop in my bed.  And fretted some more.  I think it comes down to the fact that I'm a girl who likes a plan, and this wait-and-see is making me rather nutty.  I'm not wishing this pregnancy were over in that way that uncomfortable pregnant women whine about wanting it to be over, but I'm also, at this point, not really capable of enjoying the experience much either.  And, as I've said, that really makes me mad.  I like pregnancy as a general state of being; I find humor in its bodily awkwardnesses, I think that I look (and feel) good as a pregnant woman.  But I'm tired of the monitoring.  I'm tired of being "high risk."  I'm tired of living in uncertainty and anxiety.  I'm tired of being unproductive because I'm worried about The Boy and because I don't have a sense of how much time I actually have to work on a project.  I'd plan differently if I knew I had almost four weeks and not just one.  Or less than one.

So that's where I'm at.  All-in-all, incredibly grateful that I'm not where I was a year ago, in the land of not-pregnant.  But still...crabby.  And waiting.