Update from the Land of High Risk Pregnancy (36w4d)

Well, the Boy still looks good.  Cooperated on the NST.  Dopplers and fluid level holding steady.

But you know you're headed for a bad day when you find an ultrasound annoying.  Just the general concept of having an ultrasound.  The transducer.  The goo.  The discomfort.  You know, it felt a whole lot like the millionth follicle check during an IVF cycle.

Then I met one of the other OBs in the practice.  There are 6; I think I've met 5.  Started crying during the whole repeat repeat c-section vs. VBAC discussion.  As she said, the issue isn't really c-section vs. VBAC but delivering a baby who's not growing well at the right time.  She's all for VBAC if I actually go into labor prior to whenever it's decided that he needs to be cut out.

So I came home, and I was crabby.  And went to the library and picked up a couple DVDs and books and set up shop in my bed.  And fretted some more.  I think it comes down to the fact that I'm a girl who likes a plan, and this wait-and-see is making me rather nutty.  I'm not wishing this pregnancy were over in that way that uncomfortable pregnant women whine about wanting it to be over, but I'm also, at this point, not really capable of enjoying the experience much either.  And, as I've said, that really makes me mad.  I like pregnancy as a general state of being; I find humor in its bodily awkwardnesses, I think that I look (and feel) good as a pregnant woman.  But I'm tired of the monitoring.  I'm tired of being "high risk."  I'm tired of living in uncertainty and anxiety.  I'm tired of being unproductive because I'm worried about The Boy and because I don't have a sense of how much time I actually have to work on a project.  I'd plan differently if I knew I had almost four weeks and not just one.  Or less than one.

So that's where I'm at.  All-in-all, incredibly grateful that I'm not where I was a year ago, in the land of not-pregnant.  But still...crabby.  And waiting.

A Baby at Chez Gwinne (35w1d)

Last night A. gave me her tutorial on cloth diapering, as I am considering it for The Boy.  That in itself is not surprising.  But listening to a tutorial on cloth diapering is, I suppose, admitting that I actually think it's possible there will be a baby at my house who needs diapers, cloth or otherwise. 

The baby things are piling up around the house.  A cute little animal sheet from PBK.  Sleepers in newborn sizes (I didn't believe in them when LG was a baby, just started her in those 0-3 mo versions...but I'm guessing even if he's full term, which is unlikely, this guy won't weigh more than 5 lbs and change).  A car seat.  A swing that is actually in my living room, as it seemed to take too much energy to put it in the basement.

I'm not quite sure when this happened.  Maybe it's just at 35 weeks, with monitoring every 3-4 days, it seems unlikely that the bad thing will happen.  I mean, I know it does happen.  I've known people both IRL and online who have survived the bad thing.  But right now, I really don't want to acknowledge the possibility that it could happen to me.  I'd much rather talk to LG about how things are going to change when her brother is in a crib, instead of in my uterus.

So cloth diapers.  Really not sure.  Environmentally and economically, I'm all for it.  Practically?  Not so much.  Maybe I'll see what happens when this little one actually comes home.  I mean, he will come home, right?

34 weeks!

A. threatened to take away my computer and cut off my internet access.  Look up pictures of frank breech babies (yes, I know he isn't anymore, but he's still got his legs over his little head instead of in the "fetal position") or google "breech head" and you'll see why.  Oh, yes, the crazy is back.

Then again, I'm also having moments in which I think this just might work out.  And he just might be healthy.  And not deformed.  And even if he were born tomorrow, which he probably won't be, he'd likely still be bigger than I was at birth (last estimated weight was 3 lbs 11 oz), and he's had the benefits of steroid shots, which I did not, back in 1972.  And given that I'm being monitored twice weekly, the chance that my doctor misses something going awry is really small; from what I've gathered, a reactive NST seems to be a pretty decent guarantee that the baby will be okay at least for the next few days.  Placental insufficiency, be damned.

*

LG and I went back to BRU yesterday and got a crib mattress and mattress pad and all that kind of stuff.  And A. dropped off an old bouncy seat, which LG has been playing with, despite the fact that she loathed such contraptions as an infant (which is why I no longer have any baby containment apparatuses).  That is, I'm getting prepared for the (likely?) reality that there will be a baby at Chez Gwinne sometime in the next 2-6 weeks, and probably no later than 4.  Imagine that:  we might just have a baby before Thanksgiving and my 39th birthday.  And that will be something to celebrate, indeed.

Babies and Books

First off, I am so much closer to calm than I was yesterday.  Thank you.

Hearing a normal heartrate was reassuring, so I'm glad my OB's office was willing to accommodate my neuroses.  I've been reading around a little, and it seems high risk pregnancy as well as pregnancy after miscarriage is associated with anxiety and other psych issues, which is, I suppose, self-evident.  I have the name of another psychologist who accepts my insurance, but I'm not planning on using it.  I think what I really need is the well-baby check, alongside doing things that lower my stress level; interestingly, prenatal massage is highly recommended for high-risk patients for this reason.  What's tricky is walking--which is my go-to exercise for calming down--kicks up the contractions, and as I'm already having several per hour, I really don't want to push it.

Among her many questions, the OB asked me yesterday what I do for work, so we talked a little about how it's good I'm not teaching.  To paraphrase her assessment:  if you had to be in the classroom right now, on top of all this, it would be a train wreck.  Something like that, yeah.  (Although, to be fair, I suspect that dealing with IVF during the school year was more challenging, both physically and emotionally, and if I had to be teaching right now, the teaching part wouldn't suffer.  My stress level would.)  The past three years have really taken their toll on me, and I think the best thing I can do is rest before the new mom sleep deprivation becomes an issue, because while LG can be very helpful, the bottom line is that she will need me to be awake in the morning attending to her needs, whereas when she was a baby our morning could begin whenever I felt like it (which basically meant we spent 12 hrs or so in bed co-sleeping and nursing).

So, despite the fact that I would really like to have this book manuscript completed before this boy makes his arrival, I'm grateful that I don't have to.  I'm not under contract, though my hope was to send out a book proposal in Nov (ha!).  I think I need to suck it up and accept the fact that there are going to be some days, probably more as I start hanging out at the OB's office for NSTs, when I just need to relax, read, pet the kitties, bake brownies, and generally putz around the house.

Right now I'm feeling pretty good, so I'm going to get some work done on this chapter before I need to head to school for a department meeting.  Thanks for listening.

Gwinne Is a Freak #4,000,822

Yeah, so what I didn't say in my last post is that I pretty much haven't stopped crying--except when I was sleeping and getting LG ready for school--since last night.  I don't think I've been this spazzy since around 12 weeks.

I contemplated calling my old therapist and asking her for a rec for someone who might just take Crappy New Insurance.  I contemplated calling acupuncturist #1 so she could stick a needle in the top of my head.  I contemplated calling a friend but decided really no one I know IRL gets this, as sympathetic as they might be.

I settled for calling my OB's office.  And they brought me in for a fetal heartrate/maternal blood pressure/mental health check because, as the nurse said, a week is too long.  Agreed.

So I had a nice chat with one of my OB's partners.  And got to listen to the boy's heart thundering away.  And I was told that what I'm feeling is completely normal given my history and if I'm ever just filled with dread to call them and they'll bring me in and stick me on the monitor for a while.

I also got a reminder that I really do need to call them if I have regular contractions.

All that and a free flu shot.

You think I'll get any writing done today? 

It's Ba-ack

I had my follow-up with the hematologist yesterday.  She was quite happy with my lab results--the only thing that's unclear is if my homocysteine level is normal because it's normal or because I'm on massive B-vitamin supplements--but gave me a look when I told her The Boy is only ~25th percentile.  My OB has said she won't worry until/unless he hits the 10th.  The question, of course, is if he's small not because he's genetically programmed to be small but because of uterine environment; the concern with APA (which has haunted my medical history since 2003 but seems like it might not be an issue now?), at least from the fetal side of things, is IUGR.  Small blood clots in the placenta keep it from functioning adequately; therefore women with APA take aspirin and Lovenox to keep such clots from forming.  She said she'd talk with my OB--I guess they're friends--but is recommending I stay on Lovenox until 36ish weeks and then nothing (I was on heparin with LG until 6 weeks postpartum).  The logic is that there's really no evidence I'm at increased risk of stroke, based on my history, and by 36 weeks The Boy should be okay.  The fact that my blood work basically shows nothing to be concerned about and she'd still like me on anticoagulants for another 6-7 weeks has me a bit (okay, more than that) freaked out.

Of course it's about that time, right?

I'm not due for another OB visit for another two weeks, which will also be a growth ultrasound.  I don't know if I can handle that.  I mean, I wasn't keen on starting NSTs this early, but this baby is small (smaller than LG, who would have been close to the 50th percentile if actually full term) and he really doesn't move a lot.  Or at least not as much as I think he should (if I do kick counts as I was instructed, he does wiggle sufficiently in a 1 hr window).  And you know breech babies are more likely to have birth defects (yes, I know, step away from Dr. Google)?  And I'm still haunted by Dr. G's comment that the sac problem really could mean trouble later in pregnancy; granted, the perinatologist was not concerned, but it's still hard for me to accept that he's  fine after seeing the odds that there was a 90% (or higher) chance we wouldn't make it out of the first trimester.  Add all that to yet another person looking absolutely shocked to find out that I'm due in November because I'm so small and, well, here we are again.

Yes, folks, the reign of terror has returned.

In Which Gwinne Goes to the New OB (14w2d)

Well, the new OB isn't Dr. Gorgeous.  But she's a reasonable substitute.  And if I'm being completely honest, exactly what I need in an OB, which is to say someone who assumes things will be fine but prepares for the absolute worst.  She sees multiple markers for high risk pregnancy (duh) and will do pretty much what my OB did during pregnancy with LG:  monthly growth ultrasounds starting with my next appointment (yay!), and twice-weekly nonstress tests at 32 weeks as well as amniotic fluid level checks (okay, that's pretty fucking intense).  Today, when I asked about contractions starting this early, I found myself the lucky recepient of another pelvic exam; everything's fine, which is what we both assumed, but she had to check.

She said the best indicator that this pregnancy will go fine is that I have LG, who was full term and healthy.  But she also said she's not going to mess with something that worked in the past (so, yes, she's keeping me on Lovenox and actually referring me to a hematologist).  And apparently she is a glutton for punishment because she had me request medical records going back to 1999 when I had a series of abnormal paps in grad school.  (Yeah, good luck getting information from a university health center from more than a decade ago).  Oddly, the only records she didn't request was my previous OB/surgery records, which might be useful in the VBAC vs. elective c-section discussion.

And, oh, they did manage to get a look at my first trimester screen results, which I hadn't received yet.  Something like 1:1200 risk of Down Syndrome and much less than that for other trisomies.

I think The Reign of Terror has been officially demoted to The Reign of Usual Anxiety.  And there was something resembling a box to check on my new patient form to that effect.  Now I just need to survive 5.5 weeks until my next ultrasound (gulp).

IF (12w1d)

If things look good today, I will meet Best Professor Friend for lunch and possibly go to the Whole Foods, just because I haven't been there in forever, and the closest one happens to be in the same city as the hospital.  (When I was pregnant with LG and seeing an OB 50 minutes from home, I had the same routine.  I remember being newly pregnant with her as the summer of fruit tarts at WF.)

If things look good today, I will do open enrollment for insurance and go to the cheaper (by a fucking lot) option, after making sure ultrasound coverage is the same.

If things look good today, I might actually relax a bit.

If things look good today, I will definitely buy clothes that fit.  (My body is nothing if not predictable when it comes to weight gain in pregnancy; 8 lbs in 8 weeks, which basically puts me at the 106 lbs I should be, after gaining the 3-5 lbs Dr. Gorgeous told me to gain + 3-5 lbs of normal first trimester weight.  Not that I'm obsessing or anything.)

If things look good today, I might actually tell LG this week, since people are starting to slip up and make comments in her presence.  Oh, my neighbor the herbalist said, look at you, you're showing a little bump.

I'm really having trouble believing I could lose this baby this late in the game.  I'm also having a lot of trouble believing I might actually have a baby in November. 

Okay...time to go.

Making Plans

LG's at school, hopefully learning something useful.  I'm at the swanky coffee shop drinking decaf (can I tell you how glad I am I haven't actually lost the taste for coffee this time around?) and eating a chocolate croissant.  The real goal for the morning is to figure out a plan.  What am I going to do with my day?  What do I need to accomplish this summer?  Can I actually map out a workable schedule to finish this book project by, oh, November 15?

I've been putting off making plans mostly due to the radical uncertainty surrounding this pregnancy.  But I have to confess, now at 11w3d, although I live in absolute daily terror of losing this baby, I don't actually think that's going to happen.  (Knock wood, cross my fingers, and all that hocus-pocus.)  I just think if it was going to happen due to this sac problem, it probably would have happened already.  Or maybe I'm in a huge state of denial because losing a baby as you approach the second trimester, after you've felt it wiggling, after you've seen it dancing on the ultrasound not once but three times, is horrifying to contemplate.  It occurred to me this morning that my D&C for pregnancy #1 was at 11w3d (although I knew the pregnancy wasn't viable by 6.5 weeks).  I can't lose this baby.  Not now.

So, as if this morning, I'm sort of proceeding as if this whole thing will indeed result in a baby in November.  (Although, I will confess, I'm not exchanging the ill-fitting maternity clothes or doing open enrollment for insurance until I get through Monday's ultrasound.)  What that means is (a) LG and I will take a summer trip (New York City here we come!) with or without my mom tagging along, (b) the house requires some major upkeep and organization, (c) I need to make the most of now through November in terms of getting this new book manuscript done, as well as getting old things accepted, and (d) I also need to carve out a fair amount of time for relaxing, both alone and with LG.  (To be fair, all those things should be priorities regardless of what the next few weeks bring.)

So today...I think I'll hit the grocery store to pick up some fruit, clean the kitchen, and disassemble LG's fort and read a novel on the back porch.  And make a writing schedule to get me through the first part of the summer.  Sigh.

A Tale of Two Obstetricians (10w6d)

Once I got past the sheer enormity of the place (thank you, BPF for going with me!) and saw the visual reassurance of Live Baby, I have to say I felt very comfortable at the perinatologist appointment earlier this week.  It's a place where things are expected to go wrong, they know how to deal with the unexpected, and a woman on Lovenox,with a history of RPL who did a DE cycle is not out of the norm.  So how, the doctor asked, did Dr. Gorgeous get you pregnant?  As I said the other day, he wasn't particularly alarmist but he also took me, and this condition, quite seriously.

Then I met my OB, whom, as I said, I really do like.  An OB who used to be an English major?  An OB who is all for VBAC and natural childbirth?  An OB who makes jokes and talks about her own family?  All good, as far as I'm concerned.  And if I'd met her in a different life, before I'd had a miscarriage, before I'd been through a high-risk pregnancy and all the rigamarole that entails, I would have been very, very happy coming out of that appointment.  But to be told that APA doesn't tend to cause third trimester problems and therefore doesn't require monitoring?  To be told that this GS issue will just "go away" after twelve weeks?  Well, from what I know, from what I've read, from what other doctors have told me, that's just wrong.  Clearly, APA can cause problems later in pregnancy or there would be no reason to keep me on Lovenox the whole damn time (which she is, at least until 36 weeks when I get switched over to regular old heparin).  Basically, if there's a pregnancy complication, APA makes you much more likely to have it (IUGR and placental problems, low amniotic fluid (hello?!), eclampsia, stroke, blah blah blah).  And according to Dr. Gorgeous, as well as me reading crap on the internet, oligohydramnios (the technical name for low amniotic fluid, which is what this sac problem is) is a HUGE deal for potential problems down the road.

Now I don't want to be the crazy, paranoid patient.  I really wish I could be blase about all this.  I really wish I could just gain weight (check), feel this baby move (check), and show up for montly appointments and go about my business like a normal pregnant woman.  But I'm not.  I've had two losses, at least one likely chemical pregnancy, the now confirmed loss of a twin, and several years of fertility treatment to get here.  To say this baby is wanted is a radical understatement.

So I'm not sure what to do.  My next app't is in two weeks, for the nuchal translucency.  That happens to fall during the window of checking out the baby's urinary system, which the perinatologist recommended.  Right now I'm scheduled to do both of those locally, with the OB.  I'm thinking I'll see if I can see the perinatologist instead.  It adds abut 2.5 hours in the car, but I'd really like a better sense of prognosis here.  I just don't believe that after all this, all the fear, all the threat, vanishes after the first trimester.  By all accounts, I shouldn't even have made it this far.

In the meantime, I got a message late on Thursday from Nurse of the Everchanging Nickname, saying Dr. G wanted the update.  I'm waiting for her to call/email me back, but I have a feeling she'll like this tag-team OB/peri idea for me.  I think she knows better than anyone what I really need to get me through this experience more or less in one piece.

Quick Update on the State of My Uterus (10w4d)

Had an ultrasound.  Baby measuring spot on, heart rate good, sac (once I fucking convinced her to measure it!) running 9 days small (but I know she measured the two LARGEST dimensions, so I trust the hospital measurement more).

Bought a onesie (I had an hour and a half to kill).  Says "little" with a picture of a peanut under it.  How's that for $5 worth of hope?

Met the OB.  In another life, I would have LOVED LOVED LOVED this doctor.  But I think I might need to see a perinatologist for reassurance on a semi-regular basis.  More on that tomorrow.

Got a kid to put to bed.  TV to watch.  I'm exhausted, people, and feeling just a bit like a normal pregnant woman today.

Update from the Land of Maternal-Fetal Medicine

Well, important things first:  we have confirmation of a Live Baby.  Measuring 10w3d, heart rate 160 bpm, dancing all around.  I suspect that means Dr. G's measurement was off last week, because I doubt the baby grew 12 days worth of growth in 7 days.

The sac is still measuring 8 and change, which means the numerical situation seems a bit worse, actually than last week, when the sac was measuring only 9 days behind the embryo (12 for actual dates).  But the baby looked like it had enough room, certainly enough room to stretch out and wiggle around (nothing like some of the crunched-up pictures I've seen online).

The ultrasound tech was incredibly thorough, got a good doppler study of the placenta and cord.  Observed The Twin That Wreaked All Kinds of Havoc.  (Umm, yeah, it's still hanging around, at around 6mm, with blood flow directed toward it.)  The doctor reviewed her report and proceeded to investigate my uterus all over again.  Asked if I was on Lovenox (really, can you tell?) and why. 

Bottom line:  pregnancies like this miscarry about 80% of the time.  The fact that I haven't yet miscarried and the baby doesn't seem to be compromised is a very good thing.  The fact that the sac is still growing (albeit at its own fucked up rate) is also a good thing.  He said the next few weeks should reveal much, as the mechanism of fluid production is indeed changing over to fetal-controlled.  Which means if the problem is in any way related to my body, it should be helped along.  If there's a major placental defect, that should begin to show itself in IUGR.  The most comforting thing I took from the appointment was this:  I don't want you to leave here thinking this pregnancy has only a 1 in 5 chance of continuing.  That is, while my risk of loss is higher than the 3% usually quoted to women at this stage, it isn't as high as 80% either.  The longer I stay pregnant, the more that risk declines.  He said there really aren't adequate statistics because cases like this are so rare (gee, that's great); most of them, he repeated, end earlier than this.  Recommended follow up at this point is the first trimester screen (which I'm doing) as well as an ultrasound at 12-14 weeks to check on bladder and kidneys.

I've got a regular OB appointment on Thursday, so we'll have much to talk about.  In the meantime, folks, I've got a little dancing fetus in my uterus.  It really can't get better than that.

Note to Self (10w2d)

Crazy chicks should not rent home dopplers.

Last night I got a reading of ~85.  Could have been my heart.  Could have been dying baby.  Do you think I slept last night?

This morning, without question: 175.

Who knows what the fuck this afternoon will bring.  Best Professor Friend, who spent way too much time at this hospital when her twins were tiny, is going with me.  Wish us luck.

Small Good Things (10w1d)

1. It is really hard to be depressed when the sun is shining, birds are singing, and tulips are tuliping.  This is the first time I've ever been pregnant in early spring, and it is wonderful, regardless of the outcome.
2. LG and I stayed in our pajamas until around noon yesterday, just reading.  I did some minimal housework (laundry, sweeping) and cooked potatoes, but otherwise lay on the couch with my feet up for most of the day.
3. Live Baby Check with the perinatologist tomorrow.  I am absolutely petrified, but at least I'll have a better sense of the prognosis here.  If things are okay, I've got an ultrasound at my OB's office on Thursday, which the nurse said they'll want me to keep.  Two ultrasounds in a week?  I'll take it.
4. Speaking of which, UPS says I should have a doppler in my grubby little hands by the end of the day.  And while I really don't know if things are going well right now, I'm pretty sure I've still got a live baby in there.  If I press on my left side, it does its little fetus dance.
5. Meeting this morning, office hrs in the afternoon, but otherwise a light day.  If I can concentrate, I might actually be able to get some work done.  Must get this article in the mail...

The Rest Cure (9w6d)

What I learned on Thursday:  I pretty much suck at resting.  Which is not surprising to either A or my therapist.  And I suspect that's why Dr. Gorgeous had me in a valium-induced coma for 24 hrs after transfer.  Being forced to slow down has made me very aware of how fast the pace of my life ordinarily is.

So after a day of pretty much doing nothing other than going to therapy and lounging in bed, I had a normal Friday yesterday.  Yoga (9:00-10:30), writing and lunch (11:00-12:45), back-to-back meetings on campus (1:00-3:45), a flurry of photocopying manuscripts and email dealings (3:45-4:30), pick up LG and feed her, return to LG's school for carnival, during which time I took tickets, tattooed little kids, and followed LG around (5:45-8:30).  By halfway through the carnival I realized I needed to sit down and hydrate.  Desperately.  Major uterine unhappiness, which I only recognize from dealing with preterm contractions with LG.  We were both in bed by 9:00, and I didn't wake up until 7:40 this morning.

I shouldn't have another day like that, since the semester is really over, and I just have a handfull of meetings next week.  The rest of the work can largely be done from my own home.  But, wow, yesterday was a major wake-up call about my body's limitations right now.

I do feel this little wiggler, which is enormously comforting, although I still do not expect good news (or even moderately comforting news) on Tuesday.  While my OB's office is apparently unconcerned based on their reading of Dr. Gorgeous's scribbled report--they said they don't usually measure gestational sac after heartbeat--I don't believe they've seen pictures.  And believe me folks, this baby has NO room.  What I'm hoping is that once it starts taking over amniotic fluid production, which happens around now, the situation improves.  The craziest thing was that on Thursday, after eating a bunch of pineapple (you know, because I need to do something, and if pineapple helps with implantation, why not placentation more generally), I felt that weird sensation from very early pregnancy when I thought the sac was growing.  Almost like ovulation.  And then there was a single small blood clot on the toilet paper.  Nothing more than that, nothing since, and absolutely no cramping.  I'd really like to believe something good happened just then.  But who knows.

Anyway, I'm slowing down.  And if that means I need to hire someone to deal with my yard, so be it.  LG and I need to go to the post office this morning, and she's got a playdate this afternoon, during which time I think I will hang out on my porch and read.  For now, I'm hoping this is the summer of resting, writing, and gestating.  But when do I ever get what I want?

The State of Things (9w4d)

The semester is, thankfully, over.  Papers and projects come in early next week, and after the onslaught of grading I'm done with students until July.  That's good, as I'm really having trouble giving my job even minimal attention at the moment.

After about fifteen phone calls, I have an appointment on Tuesday with a perinatologist for an ultrasound and consult.  I won't say what I think the outcome will be.  I suspect you can guess.

I've been sucking down enormous amounts of water and mostly staying in bed when I'm not dealing with real life and my job.  At least that makes me feel like I'm doing something.

I swear I can feel this baby.  Not moving around or anything, obviously.  But there's this odd weight and unsettled feeling, only on the left (which is where the sac implanted).  I'm pretty sensitive to all bodily goings-on, and I legitimately did feel LG moving by ~13 weeks, so I think this is probably real. 

I vacillate between bawling my eyes out and operating under a complete state of denial that this is happening.  I mean, seriously:  how is this even possible?

Increased Risk

History of recurrent pregnancy loss:  increased risk of miscarriage
Antiphospholipid antibody syndrome:  increased risk of miscarriage
Beta hcg levels failing to double:  increased risk of miscarriage
Heart rate low for gestational age:  increased risk of miscarriage
Small gestational sac:  increased risk of miscarriage

At what point does increased risk translate into definite loss?

The Reign of Terror Continues (9w2d)

I'd imagined two possible scenarios for today.  The one where everyone was happy and congratulating me and I was truly released to the OB never to return again, except to show off the baby next spring.  And the one where the embryo had stopped growing and Dr. Gorgeous and I had a sit down in the conference room and talked about D&Cs and FETs.

You have to know where this is going, right?

I find myself, still, uncertain about the viability of this pregnancy.  The good:  Peanut's measuring around 8w5-6d (though Dr. G said the angle was really difficult, and she had a hard time getting a good measurement), heart rate of 173, wiggling around all over the place.  The bad:  gestational sac continues to be small, small enough that Dr. Gorgeous is actually concerned (I think the measurement was 7w4d?).  Things I didn't want to hear her say:  increased risk of miscarriage at any point during pregnancy, could be due to your natural tendency toward clotting issues, I wish I could send you off and say this will turn out fine, but I can't.  I'm sorry.

Still, I've been released to the OB.  She said she'd make a note of all this in my chart for the doctor; asked me to keep in touch with her.  For now I'm supposed to stay on Lovenox, increase fluids, and rest.  I was sort of shell-shocked when I left, so I have a call in to find out what exactly she had in mind in terms of activity level and also if she thinks this warrants seeing a perinatologist (I assume it does, but there's only one in town, he's an asshole, and I'd like a referral to someone else).

I'm not sure what to do with this information.  I'm not sure how dire the situation is (Dr. G mentioned a few other patients, some with positive outcomes, some not, including other DE folks).  I do find it interesting that during my pregnancy with LG my amniotic fluid level was measured monthly (via ultrasound) and it tended to run high (almost problematically so).  So I'm guessing at the very least I've got increased monitoring in my future.  And hell yes I'm renting a doppler.

Paging Dr. Freud (8w3d)

My dreams are anything but subtle.

Last night's featured some kind of board meeting for Dr. Gorgeous's office, although she was the only one I recognized.  There were two tables.  She sat at the one in front; for some reason I was sitting at the one in the back, though there were maybe 2 feet separating us.  At some point she turned around and said, "Gwinne, what are you doing here?"  "Don't worry," I said, "I'll go home soon."

And then we were outside talking and she was telling me about a place a few hours away where she goes hiking and it would be good for me to walk there.

*

In other news:  the breasts are definitely bigger and I'm getting pukier by the minute.  Maybe the reign of terror might actually be over soon? (What, was that laughter?) 

Crazy goes to the OB (8w2d)

First OB app't today.  I was so not ready to be there.

There was a depression questionnaire at the back of all the welcome-to-the-ob paperwork.  Multiple questions that said things like "I feel anxious without reason."  I crossed off the "without reason" and circled the highest number for each one.  Then I burst into tears when the np/midwife asked me to talk about it.

Then we went through my pregnancy history.  Yeah, that was fun.

The upshot of the crazy, possibly combined with my medical history, is that no, they're not making me wait another 4 weeks before I meet the doctor herself.  I've got an ultrasound with Dr. Gorgeous next week (9w2d), an ultrasound and OB app't the following week (10w4d), then a two week gap before the nuchal transucency, which brings us up to 12w4d.  Then they scheduled me for regular OB app'ts through the end of July. 

Are you fucking kidding me?  Needless to say, I wrote them down in pencil.

I did not get my blood work done.  I did not look through all the pamphlets for happy pregnant people.  And I did not get a Live Baby Check of any sort.

Lucky for Dr. Gorgeous, I did not show up for an impromptu ultrasound at the local office she happens to be at today.  We'll see if I can keep it together for another week.