I have seen my therapist out-and-about in the world twice in the past week or so. It was sort of inevitable that it would happen eventually; although I didn't know exactly where she lived (now I do), I knew her kids went to the same school as mine and therefore we had to be close. Turns out she's on my regular walking route; she high-fived me (which was a little weird) for being on a walk, you know, and generally taking care of myself.
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I've been thinking a lot about this thing I'm calling Baby Lust, which is baby lust I suppose, but I think there's something bigger. Like, I'm at a point in my life that I actually have what I wanted (tenure, babies, books). So what's next? Going on a date might be an obvious choice but I'm not sure that's what I want. But something. I feel a bit restless.
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I tend to walk at such moments, when my head is spinning. I wrote the bulk of my dissertation two summers in fits between walks around campus.
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Today already I have written about 1000 words on a collaborative project and revised at least as many on the next book project and read some stuff so I can write about it tomorrow. I've also done some follow up "book tour" (ha!) stuff. And done some basic domestic work and taken a shower (apparently I shower during the day now, as Tiny Boy is holding me hostage at night and mornings are too rushed).
I'm getting a lot done this summer. And I started thinking about what makes this summer feel so different from the previous. Let's review:
2009: miscarriage drama, IVF drama, just in a bad way
2010: IVF drama, tenure file due
2011: finally pregnant! summer school! tenure drama!
2012: new baby, not sleeping, whacked in the head with a fan, not sleeping
2013: not sleeping not sleeping not sleeping, summer school, misc. illnesses, not sleeping
And now I'm sleeping (seriously, this unisom/lunesta plan might leave me addicted to sleep meds but I can actually think during the day so why would I stop). And the Tiny Boy is more or less sleeping. And I'm not teaching. So I write stuff during the day. And read stuff. And cook stuff. And mostly enjoy it. Except when I'm trying to figure out what I want next...
But right now my arm hurts (ulnar neuropathy, anyone?) so I'm going to stop this. And read.
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I've been thinking a lot about this thing I'm calling Baby Lust, which is baby lust I suppose, but I think there's something bigger. Like, I'm at a point in my life that I actually have what I wanted (tenure, babies, books). So what's next? Going on a date might be an obvious choice but I'm not sure that's what I want. But something. I feel a bit restless.
*
I tend to walk at such moments, when my head is spinning. I wrote the bulk of my dissertation two summers in fits between walks around campus.
*
Today already I have written about 1000 words on a collaborative project and revised at least as many on the next book project and read some stuff so I can write about it tomorrow. I've also done some follow up "book tour" (ha!) stuff. And done some basic domestic work and taken a shower (apparently I shower during the day now, as Tiny Boy is holding me hostage at night and mornings are too rushed).
I'm getting a lot done this summer. And I started thinking about what makes this summer feel so different from the previous. Let's review:
2009: miscarriage drama, IVF drama, just in a bad way
2010: IVF drama, tenure file due
2011: finally pregnant! summer school! tenure drama!
2012: new baby, not sleeping, whacked in the head with a fan, not sleeping
2013: not sleeping not sleeping not sleeping, summer school, misc. illnesses, not sleeping
And now I'm sleeping (seriously, this unisom/lunesta plan might leave me addicted to sleep meds but I can actually think during the day so why would I stop). And the Tiny Boy is more or less sleeping. And I'm not teaching. So I write stuff during the day. And read stuff. And cook stuff. And mostly enjoy it. Except when I'm trying to figure out what I want next...
But right now my arm hurts (ulnar neuropathy, anyone?) so I'm going to stop this. And read.
A friend and I were recently discussing her feelings of restlessness, which sound similar to yours (thought she would definitely NOT describe them as baby lust, as she absolutely does NOT want another child). She is married (mostly contentedly), gainfully employed (in a field that is not wholly fulfilling but is well-paid and which she does not plan to leave, for a variety of reasons), and she is settled in her community and her life.
ReplyDeleteHistorically, her approach to these feelings of restlessness has been to make some sort of BIG change in her life (cross-country move, back to school, career change, divorce). . . but now that those options don't seem viable to her, she is exploring other ways she might satisfy this need she feels.
Good luck figuring out what will fill that need for you.
P.S. Oh, and hooray for sleeping!
ReplyDeleteWow! You are a very impressive person. And yay sleep!
ReplyDeleteHa! hardly impressive, but I definitely get more done when I can think during the day :)
ReplyDelete