Exactly one year ago, I spent the morning sobbing in Dr. Gorgeous's office, not having my six week ultrasound, but instead having my blood drawn for repeat RPL testing. I spent the evening getting very very drunk and waiting to bleed. I've had many bad days since then, but I think that was probably the lowest I've been.
I put off thinking about this pregnancy loss a couple weeks ago, because I knew I couldn't handle it on top of a negative beta. I tried to tell myself that stims for this cycle would go so stunningly well that I could bask in hope. I mean, Dr. Gorgeous has been more encouraging than ever; she actually used the word optimistic about my chances of (eventual) success.
Since yesterday, when I saw that lone follicle on the ultrasound I've been, frankly, a wreck. To say that I was disappointed would be a radical understatement. (To be fair, I'm sure the elevated estrogen/Ganirelix combo isn't helping matters.) I woke up this morning at 4:20 and never fell back to sleep. I'd like to think that's when my ovaries woke up, too.
I'm not yet hopeful, but I am more optimistic for this cycle now than I was two hours ago:
Endo: 13
RO: 12.5, 18
LO: 13.5, 12
For now, let's just hope that Dr. Gorgeous and Ganirelix buy me another day. Later, I'll talk to her about this, err, belated response to stims.
♥
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