On my way home from the meeting with the donor coordinator lady (hereafter referred to as DCL), I stopped out the outlet mall. I ended up at the Gap, where I found myself trying on size zero jeans (why they make size zero is sort of beyond me, not to mention beyond the scope of this post). So there I was, stripping off my clothes, and maybe it's just the mirrors in the Gap, or maybe it's real, but I looked at myself and saw for the first time that I've gotten old. Old and haggard and skinny. (I also looked like an actual grown up professor for the first time, and that, I suppose, is not a bad thing. Did I mention I actually did not get carded when I bought the vodka for NYE, which is a first?)
What I saw in the mirror is what these past 2.5 years have done to me. And I am fucking tired, people. This needs to be over NOW. And I don't think I did anything more than make DCL think I was slightly nuts when I said that this has to happen in March. April is not okay. March. March. March. So what the fuck do I need to do to make this happen in March?
DCL said she wouldn't want me to put any money down (nonrefundable and all that) before the outcome of my next pregnancy test. But waiting until then (roughly 1/25) pretty much guarantees that March is out of the question. Am I willing to gamble something in the vicinity of $6K that I won't get pregnant in January? Because I'm pretty certain if I do get pregnant, I really won't care about that money. It's a lot less than I'd spend on the chance of a DE cycle failing, right? Am I just crazy here?
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Someone tell me what to do here that doesn't involve drinking large quanities of vodka or smashing all my plates (my sister said to break eggs in a bathtub, but, metaphorical significance aside, that sounds really gross, and who would want to clean eggs out of her bathtub?). I'm tired. And sad. And full of rage. And that strikes me as a pretty bad combo. My therapist chose the worst two weeks to be off, let me tell you.
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Update at 7:09 pm:
"Hi, Gwinne. I think if you are ok with the idea of potentially losing a deposit if you are successful, then I think you should go ahead. The donor sounds good! Dr. Gorgeous"
I know.. Today, I had a 20 y/o college student tell me that she wants to get a MPH degree so she can promote awareness for "old women" to have babies when they are younger to avoid giving birth to kids with congenital defects. Thanks alot, bitchy young 20y/o eggs..
ReplyDeleteYou hang in there.. you can do it.. I'm sending you positive energy... whatever I have left, my friend.
Here it is - I am going to tell you exactly what to do.
ReplyDelete.
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Read your last post. :)
Sorry I can't offer more. I wish at the very least I could share some vodka with you and give you a huge hug. And I would clean your bathtub.
It does sound to me like you want to move forward with the deposit for DE. I guess try to imagine if you don't do that and in fact do get a BFN on the 25th. If that is the worst thing imaginable - worse than eating $6k, go for it. My two cents.
Ugh. I'm so sorry. I've been there, in the "I JUST NEED TO BE DONE WITH THIS" place. I really don't think there's anything healthy about ttc for so long with so little to show for the anguish we go through.
ReplyDeleteIf it helps, you sound exactly like I did right before I realized once & for all that I really wanted to stop fucking around and just use a donor's eggs, because, sheesh, I'd just given up WAY too much of my life to this project, and didn't want to be in that place anymore. Maybe this will be the impetus your brain needs to make DE feel like less of a failure, and more of a wonderful opportunity to accomplish what you're trying to accomplish?
Thinking of you, and wishing this were easier.
MaB--you are brilliant. Now I wouldn't be happy about losing $6K (or more), that pales in comparison to what I'd feel if I got a negative at the end of January, couldn't cycle in February, AND couldn't go ahead with a March DE cycle. Now the question is do I *need* to do this January cycle at all, or can I just put the deposit down for March? And that is what isn't quite clear...
ReplyDeleteYou'd clean nasty eggs out of my bathtub, really? You are a pal.
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S, yeah, I really am at the end of my rope.
But I think here's where we differ about DE. While I recognize the incredible joy that DE can provide in terms of creating motherhood (and, damn, do I hope I can share it SOON!), I really don't think I will ever be able to understand turning to DE as anything but a symbol of my body's failure. I'm infertile; DE can't change that. But I refuse to let infertility also render me childless, and that's where DE comes in.
Dude, $6k is a lot. I dunno.
ReplyDeleteWaiting one month is rough. Will you potentially lose the donor?
Roccie, yeah, it is. But it's a hell of a lot less than the $30K I would spend if I actually had to do the cycle, right? And, yes, I risk losing the donor if I wait.
ReplyDeleteAnd here's the math I'm doing: there's about a 6% chance (at best) that my own January cycle will work. That's pretty damn good odds that I'll need that deposit anyway...
Now it would be nice if the DCL was just willing to let me pay a smaller amount, until beta day, but I really do think I'm willing to chance it...
It's crazy how much it changes us...
ReplyDeleteNot to be a kill joy, but I can think of worse things. What happens of you put down the deposit, you are pregnant, but then miscarry in Feb?
ReplyDeleteYeah, that's certainly worse. Getting pregnant via DE and miscarrying is worse than that. I suppose I could let fear paralyze me but I'm not sure that helps...
ReplyDeleteI think I was unclear, sorry, tired and sitting in meetings not paying full attention to anything... If that happens, you would have to put off starting in March, but I assume you wouldn't lose your deposit?
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