I am so done with this semester (7w3d)

Let me preface this inevitable rant with this:  I woke up this morning and felt pregnant.  The whole exhausted, nauseated, off-kilter and almost-ready-to-pass out deal.  I went to work.  Crisis email triage (most of which emerged yesterday when I was at Dr. G's office):  students not getting theses written, money issues with student organization, requests from various students, etc.  Almost fell asleep during class #1.  Ate half of lunch, brought the rest to TOC meeting.

At which point I found myself getting more and more irritable.  Because that was two hours of my time that could have been better spent doing many things.  And I am not a person who dislikes meetings.  I do dislike meetings that go on unnecessarily long, which TOC meetings (and frankly any meeting with my chair running it) are wont to do.  I am just so fucking tired of one of my colleagues going on lengthy tirades about his particular program (and I have to say that I really like this particular colleague, outside the context of TOC meetings).  I am tired of rehashing the same pointless conversation about the position of my department in the college and the university.  I am tired of all the politics and all the nonsense.  And I have to say, three weeks after learning about this whole tenure deal, I'm angry with my chair.  I'm not angry that this happened--I really do trust that he did what he needed to do and was as blindsided as I was--but I'm angry that he's not doing more to fucking fix the problem.

And yet all of this, I have to say, feels very small and insignificant compared to that little embryo inside my uterus.  I mean, I'm just in awe of what it is doing right now while I generally go about my day.  And I found myself wanting to tell the secretary--who will be absolutely giddy with this news--as she glanced at what I'm sure was the obvious displeasure on my face.

I'm just so tired, people.  And I'm petrified that this baby isn't going to make it.  And I just want the semester to be over so I can actually work on my new book and hang out on my porch and gestate.  And not have to deal with my job.  [I realize that on some level I am incredibly fortunate to have the kind of position that I do.  To get paid to do things that I love to do (read, write, teach, etc).  But I am woefully underpaid (I'm making about 7K less than the new folks we've hired, and I'm 10 years out of school) and feeling absolutely no institutional loyalty, given my current situation.]

So I've got a headache.  And I'm not sure how much of that is pregnancy (it's a typical symptom of mine but so far it hasn't been an issue) and how much is work stress.  I'm putting LG to bed momentarily and then I'm curling up in bed with an episode of Mad Men, taking Lovenox and going to bed at 9:00. 

My last scheduled appointment with Dr. Gorgeous is the last week of the semester.  And somehow that seems exactly right.