Insomniated at 5w5d

My therapist thought maybe I'd be able to sleep post-ultrasound. Ha! (Actually, I do think this version of insomnia is largely physiological, as I also woke up wickedly early in the morning when I was pregnant with LG. So right now I'm just glad I'm sleeping in until 4:00 am instead of 2:00 am...)

Going 5 days between ultrasounds is both wonderful and terrifying. This is the longest stretch so far during this pregnancy when I haven't had information (blood test, scan, etc). I'm trying to think about it as 5 days in which, barring freak bleeding episodes, no information is good information. I am pregnant.

Assuming this thing works--and believe me I'm very skeptical about the possibility of me being booted out of Dr. G's office in a couple weeks--I'm wondering how to reframe Something Remarkable once again. I don't want this to become a pregnancy blog per se. My readership, as far as I can tell, seems to be SMCs and others in the trying stage, some relatively new mamas, and academic types. All I know is with very few exceptions I didn't/don't read post-infertility pregnancy blogs. (I also don't read a lot of academic mommy blogs, even though I'm an academic mommy [and actually write about that in my real life]). And if I don't want to read about someone else's morning sickness...well, why on earth would I write it? Then again, it's sort of where I'm at. That, and the whole tenure upheaval, which I'm trying to approach as a very practical matter rather than something else for emotional angst.

But, really, not much interesting going on in the bodily world. Maybe that's because it's old hat at this point, and because I've been around the RPL block enough times to know symptoms mean shit in terms of viability. The most noticeable thing this time around--and I'll blame the fucking PIO--is that I am hot. I'm sleeping in a tank top and shorts with the fan on, and it's 20 degrees outside. And the absolute coolest thing, which I have never experienced in early pregnancy, is that I feel this embryo. Obviously I don't feel it moving or anything. I think I feel the sac growing, because it feels pretty much excactly like follicles growing, except in a different place. And I know it's the embryo because I asked Dr. G to tell me where it is in my uterus, and I knew exactly what she was going to say: top left side, anterior. And that's just fucking cool.

I had a moment last night when I was playing Scrabble with LG (can I just say that my first-grader is reading Little Women?!), one of our "chicks with guitars" CDs on in the background, that everything seemed absolutely perfect. What else is there to say? Maybe the most remarkable thing of all is just the quiet hum of domesticity.