When I first saw LG's heartbeat, I felt an incredible sense of relief that this pregnancy would be different than the one before it. I wasn't naive enough to assume everything would be okay--I spent 9 months waiting for the bad thing to happen, and then another year or so being petrified of SIDS--but, still, on top of the unrelenting anxiety was something I'd call bliss. I remember sitting in a little cafe close to the clinic after my ultrasound, eating rosemary potatoes and just staring at that grainy picture of a not-quite pea-sized embryo thinking for the first time that I might actually get to be a mother.
I didn't get that yesterday. What I got was a temporary respite from the heart-pounding, insomnia-inducing anxiety that's had me overwhelmed for the bulk of this pregnancy. By the time Dr. G came in to see me (about 40 minutes after they stuck me in the ultrasound room), I was about as close to a full-fledged panic attack as I've ever been. When I called my friend M, who took me to transfer, to tell her about the heartbeat, she started sobbing over the phone. (Talk about empathy.) I want to enjoy this pregnancy. Because I do enjoy being pregnant, for all its bodily weirdness. I knew pregnancy after multiple losses would be hard. But this? I really couldn't have anticipated this.
In really practical terms, I'm not sure what to do to make it through the next 6 weeks (will I even make it another 6 six weeks?) with my sanity intact. I don't trust this enough even to order extra PIO and syringes. (Although I will confess that I bought a pair of baby socks yesterday that I've been coveting for a long time). I'm planning on going to yoga on Friday (the first time since transfer), and I've got a massage scheduled, and LG's coming home tonight. And all of those are good, distracting things. I just wish I didn't need to be distracted from the thing I've wanted for so long.
I think distraction is key, glad to hear you are getting a massage.
ReplyDeleteI have also found helpful - A friend who is a rabbi - I asked him to pray for me - because he is probably better at that sort of thing than me- only I wouldn't tell him what for - just that I needed it. Oddly life has gotten a whole lot easier since then.
Just remember you can only do your part -the rest is out of your hands. And you loads of people in the blogging world are rooting for you!
I know you know I've been where you are before. Almost exactly where you are. I had a hard time in the very beginning making plans. It was as if I was telling myself this would work when in fact I was never more unsure of anything in my life. But I did - make plans. At nine weeks I made an appt with a realtor to put my house on the market so I could move closer to my mom and the rest of my support team.
ReplyDeleteI was nervous the entire pregnancy and one of my closest friends put it in perspective for me - you won't feel better until you hold those babies in your arms. She was right. And somehow that was comforting.
You have an army of supporters here hoping and waiting with you! I hope that helps. And I agree - distraction, distraction, distraction!
Of course I was repeating what my friend said to me when I said "babies"! But the same is true for you and your little peanut. :)
ReplyDeletepregnancy after loss is so tough... there are no words to describe it. every day is a blessing- and an utter fearfest.
ReplyDeletesending love and warm thoughts, and hoping for a happy 9 months :)
I know that feeling so well. I didn't buy a single baby thing until I was pregnant enough to be likely to bring a baby home if I went into labor early. And I couldn't even bring myself to buy nursing bras until after M was born; it felt presumptuous. I hate that I felt that way because I missed out on a lot of bliss (wouldn't let anyone throw me a baby shower either, I was vehement about it actually). I don't think there is much that those of us who have been through loss can do about this but focus on getting through one day at a time, distracting ourselves and remembering to take a few minutes every day to enjoy it along the way. For what it is worth, know you aren't alone and I am thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteAh yes, fertility problems are truly the gift that keeps on giving. I’m coming to accept that this will always inflect my experiences and attitudes as a parent, even though my family is complete and I “should” be “over” it by now.
ReplyDeleteI guess the trick is to grab onto those moments of bliss when you happen upon them; “These fragments I have shored against my ruins,” right?
Reading your post this morning brought me back to a moment I’d forgotten, from early in my (long fought for, many disappointments weathered) pregnancy. I had a rare free day, went to the library and checked out some pregnancy books—because of course I wouldn’t BUY anything yet—then took myself out for lunch. I still recall the indescribable contentment I felt as I sat there with my salad, my book, and my own peanut. But what was I reading at the time? The Miscarriage Book. You know, just in case. Yet I was happy in that moment, probably the happiest I’d been in years.
I completely understand.. I order only 2 weeks supply of PIO only.. I'm so scared... so scared of every step. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
ReplyDelete@Baby Chase: I think fear is a just a part of pregnancy/motherhood for many women (and your comment makes sense to me now that I know your news!). But I also think that each woman's experience is fundamentally different. I've got a really particular brand of fear going, though, that I think probably only RPL folks and those will long-term infertility experience. And even then I'd say that my experience of RPL isn't anything like Michelle's (after multiple second-trimester losses), or someone who has had 4+ losses and no live birth, or...
ReplyDeleteI guess my point is it all sucks. But it sucks in very individualized ways.