For those of you who travel in the ALI blogosphere, I suspect this post is nothing new. But as I find myself--happily, comfortably--21 weeks pregnant, I wonder when, or if, the scars of long-term infertity treatment and loss ever really go away. As Cute Andrologist put it when I stopped by the other day, you had SUCH a hard time. According to my planner, I spent 60 days (in 2010 alone) at Dr. G's office; and let's not even try to add up the number of phone calls. I've been around long enough to know there are many in this community who've been at it longer than me, or had more losses, but, damn, have I put in my time. It was all over Dr. Gorgeous's face the other day: I think it was the first time she'd ever seen me something close to zen.
And I am, really. I walk around my (overheated) house, with LG asleep in her bedroom and 2 cats in her new windowsills and am astonished at how far I've come in 10 years, since I graduated and started my first job. Back then, all I really wanted was a baby. And if all goes well, by the end of this year, my family will be complete, and I'll be an associate professor at an R1 institution (that's a major research university, for those of you who don't know the lingo). I have a good life, and it's not something I take for granted.
It is so precious, I'm terrified of losing it. I've been so weepy this week. And dreaming infertility/loss dreams. And panicking when The Boy isn't smacking the side of my uterus with his little feet.
Pregnancy after miscarriage was hard. Pregnancy after multiple miscarriages and a trainwreck of a first trimester? That, my friends, really requires valium or large quantities of vodka, both of which are contraindicated in pregnancy.
My therapist--whom I saw for the last time last week--thinks I'll be okay at the end of this. And I'm sure she's right. But I also wonder if the scars ever really go away.
Hell no they dont but I guess we wouldnt really want it to - this is kind of who we are now.
ReplyDeleteShake the fear Momma. You have everything to gain from it.
Even though our experiences have been somewhat different--I had mostly failed cycles, only one chemical pregnancy in over three years TTC--I can relate. I am 8 weeks, 1 day pregnant today, and it still does not feel real to me.
ReplyDeleteOh, I know intellectually that I am pregnant (and I am sick all the time to confirm that knowledge). I just feel a little detached from it all, in a way I feel is outside the norm for a pregnant woman.
I hope at some point you are able to relax and enjoy your pregnancy without being haunted by fears of loss.
Not like I am an expert but at 4.5 months post-birth I can say that for me the scars are still here but I don't think of the pain so much. Rather I find tremendous patience and zen from the difficult path I took to get here. I am probably a much better mother than I would have been otherwise, as I know how close I came to not getting this chance. So my motto is to love every god damn second of it like my life depends on it. Sometimes I start to cry when I hold my hand against her little back as she lays into my chest breathing deeply. I cringe and bristle at the parents who take their fertility for granted. I think those of us who have experienced the pain of IF and loss have a red badge of courage that is something to be proud of. I wear a pomegranite colored string sround my wrist following the "common thread" idea and it helps me feel connected to that history. http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread/
ReplyDeletenope. they stay. they don't hurt the same way, but they're there
ReplyDeleteThat's a cool idea, inB. I'll need to read that post.
ReplyDelete