The Thing About the Boy

I'm still processing this whole boy thing.

I mean, I always imagined my family with two daughters.  But my life also never turns out the way that I want it.  That's not necessarily a bad thing.  I'm just readjusting.

Part of what worries me is that I have a daughter who shares my DNA; she looks like me, she acts like me (that is, she has most of my worst personality features and some of the good ones too).  Most of the time I forget, honestly, that there was a sperm donor involved, as LG might as well be my clone.  And then there's this Boy, who will not be connected to us genetically, who will also not be like us in terms of gender.  I worry that he'll feel disconnected, not that I won't feel connected to him.

I've also been thinking about my first pregnancy.  Although I did not have chromosomal information following my D&C, I was absolutely convinced that that baby was male.  I even named him.  This pregnancy felt a lot like that one early on, and nothing like my pregnancy with LG.  In the midst of that miscarriage, I dreamed about this boy a lot; I'd even say I had hallucinations of him, following me around during the day.  Not as an infant, but as a 3-4 year old.  That's the only time in my life I've had an experience like that.  I really mourned that boy, my son.  When LG turned out to be a girl, I was shocked--happy, yes, but shocked, and I mourned him again.  I haven't thought about him much lately.  Until Friday, that is.

This boy that is growing inside me...I wonder if he'll look the way I always imagined my son.